I found my kinda-boyfriend's personal ad online.

[pax]

How do you confront a guy that you've been seeing about a personal ad that you saw for him online???

A long time ago (we're talking a long time ago), I had my own ad, and I used it on and off to meet guys. If I was seeing someone or just wasn't interested, I would take it down; when I was ready to get back out there, I'd put it back up.

When I was home sick the other day, I was a little worried that the last time I re-activated my ad, I never made it "hidden" again (since I am kinda/sorta seeing someone right now and also promised not to see other people--a bargain which, I am proud to say, I held up). So I went to the personals site to make sure my ad was hidden (it was--phew!), and then just for fun started looking at some ads for guys.

Imagine my shock when I found a personal ad for the guy I am supposed to be seeing--updated only a week earlier.

I haven't mentioned it to him yet and I'm not even sure if I should. First of all, the fact that I found it will make me look suspicious. Second of all, I know that guys have all kinds of stupid ideas and maybe one of his friends put it up for him or something--it is possible, I suppose, that he doesn't even know about it (slim possibility, but work with me here).

So now I'm in a major quandary. Do I mention it at all? What do I say?

(And I'm SURE it was him, too--it had his picture and all the info stated was definitely about him.)

 

[Salome]

since it already is in your mind now
I'd find some way to mention it to him

 

[diamond]

wow.
i wouldnt say a word right away.
if u confront him, you may look like a snoop.


I would see if he takes it down after a bit.
If he dosent you know what you have..

DB9

 

[bonosloveslave]

I dunno, that seems awfully suspicious to me that it was updated only a week ago. Did you meet him through this site? Maybe you could say you went back to make sure yours was not visible and that his was off too, but that his wasn't. And see what he has to say from there.....

 

[pax]

Nope, I've known him for almost 2 years--we met through work.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Give me his address, I'll take care of everything for you.


Ugh, I hope it's not what it seems, but if it is, there are so many better ones out there for you.

 

[diamond]

there is one word you used Pax, you said "kinda-boyfriend".....
when you guys move into in the tradional bf/gf program, then -that will be the time to confront him..


At that time you will really know what u have.
Be prepared for any outcome.
Good luck.



DB9

 

[beegee]

if u confront him, you may look like a snoop.

that's ridiculous. it's the INTERNET. it's all public information. she didn't go through his coat pockets or anything.

 

[cell]

yeah, i would say something.

 

[ABEL]

there is one word you used Pax, you said "kinda-boyfriend".....
when you guys move into in the tradional bf/gf program, then -that will be the time to confront him..

I was thinking that too....

How serious is your relationship with him? Have you talked about beinig "exclusive" and not dating other people? Maybe he doesn't know how you feel about him, or realize that you consider him to be your "kinda-boyfriend"?

Does he know you consider him a kinda bf and would like to date only him and vise verca? Maybe bring that up first before bringing up the ad? Then check in a week or so and see if he's closed the ad.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

that is odd. i would confront him about it.

 

[FizzingWhizzbees]

Since you know about it now and it's probably going to concern you until you find out what it's about, I'd talk to him about it. Does he know that you used to have a personal ad there? If he does then can't you just say you were going to make sure it wasn't still visible, and you happened to stumble across his ad? That way it's not as though you're spying on him or anything, you just happened to come across it.

I don't know...just my 0.2. I hope it works out okay

 

[pax]

Fizzing: That might not be a bad idea.

To everyone else: I don't know what he thinks his status with me is, but he has told me repeatedly that he wants a relationship with me and I've made it clear that 1.) I am not seeing anyone else and 2.) because of that, I expect that he is not seeing anyone else either.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

well it sounds like he does want to be with you, but if you are concerned about what you saw i would say the best thing to do is talk to him about it. it won't hurt to bring it up, just be tactful. the only way this would hurt is in fact he was up to no good and he was out there seeking other dates and not being truthful to you about it.

 

[Chizip]

no no no, dont take these people's adivce, here is what you really need to do.

set up a fake account on this site, if you have to pay then just change the one you already have. put up a nice fake pic, some fake info that you think he would like, and then send him an e-mail from a fake e-mail address. see if he responds as if he is single and is looking for someone, or if he will respond saying thanks but no thanks, i have a girlfriend.

it may be a little sneaky, but, hey it's a good way to find out the truth. sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

now that is sneaky!

 

[pax]

Oh, that has disaster written all over it...I'd blow my cover, I know it.

 

[cell]

haha...if i was in that position, i'd do it

 

[BAW]

Fizzing: That might not be a bad idea.

To everyone else: I don't know what he thinks his status with me is, but he has told me repeatedly that he wants a relationship with me and I've made it clear that 1.) I am not seeing anyone else and 2.) because of that, I expect that he is not seeing anyone else either.

Talk to him about it. You won't feel right until you do. You didn't do anything wrong...maybe he hasn't yet either but you should be honest and hopefully he'll be honest with you too.

If he is up to no good, its better to find out now. And not to get too personal, but if there's the slightest possibility he's sleeping with more than one person, you have to know about that for your own protection.

 

[The_Sweetest_Thing]

I agree with Fizzing. Or Chizip...

good luck Pax!

 

[deep]

Pax,


Relationships are about trust and communication.

1. What if you never looked at the site? How is everything else.?

2. There are a lot of dating sites out there. You could have easily not found this. The fact you found it means nothing more than it is still on line.

3. He could have no profiles on line and be one cheatin? SOB. At work, at the gym, or any place he could get some action.

4. A player is a player, profile or no profile on line.

5. Men can be insecure and want to know they still got game. That is email from womem. Even if they are not interested in playing.

6. To send him fake email would be stupid. See no. 5.

7. I have been out with married friends and some hottie, has come come up and climbed all over them.
Perhaps they conversed a bit and got a number (they threw away) not good I know. Again see no. 5.

8. Sadly I have had married friends chasing and catching their help around the office, etc. Now divorced.


Don?t freak at this. But, he may go on a couple of coffee dates that confirm you ARE the one.

Lastly, you probably should mention it to him, in a sweet-vulnerable tone, to let him understand your feelings.

It could be something as simple as he logged in a week ago and thought he ?hid? his profile but updated it by mistake.

 

[deep]

Or you could just call that

CHEATERS

TV program guy.

We would all like to see you like on TV

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

oh do i know men who qualify here...

4. A player is a player, profile or no profile on line.

5. Men can be insecure and want to know they still got game. That is email from womem. Even if they are not interested in playing.

6. To send him fake email would be stupid. See no. 5.

7. I have been out with married friends and some hottie, has come come up and climbed all over them.
Perhaps they conversed a bit and got a number (they threw away) not good I know. Again see no. 5.

8. Sadly I have had married friends chasing and catching their help around the office, etc. Now divorced.

x 1,000,000!!!!!!

 

[BAW]

5. Men can be insecure and want to know they still got game. That is email from womem. Even if they are not interested in playing.

6. To send him fake email would be stupid. See no. 5.

I agree with everything you said but these 2 are really on the money

 

[Chizip]

no way jose. sending a fake e-mail would be genious. how else are you gonna find out if he is insecure or not? even if he is not interested in playing, you dont want an insecure guy that needs e-mails from girls on an online dating site to make him feel better. if he truly cared about you, just being in a relationship with you would make him lose his insecurities.

i say do the fake account, send an e-mail and see what his response is. this is the only way you will find out what kind of guy he truly is, becsuse if you confront him he can just lie and say he wasnt looking. if he is the kind of guy that is looking for other girls while going out with one, it's a pretty good bet he would lie when confronted with the situation.

so that is my advice, good luck.

 

[pax]

Wow! I ZC, as usual when I crawl back here looking for advice about my sorry love life.

No decisions yet, so I think I'm probably going to sit on it for now and see how things are between us in, let's say, the next week or two. If things are okay or improve, then I'll be inclined to think its harmless. If things start to go south, well, maybe then I'll know why.

Thank you guys so much for reading my woes and giving such insightful and detailed advice. Now I have to go read some threads and return the good karma.

 

[martha]

Chizip, I'm sorry to say this, but that's the worst advice ever. Why play sneaky head games? It's lame, immature, and sets everyone involved up in a stupid, suspicious web of deceit and lies.


A successful relationship is built on trust and honesty; if you really think what you're suggesting will work, I fear for whomever you decide to date in the future.

 

[Chizip]

pleaaaaaase

let's think about this

this is a guy she is going out with, she saw he had an online ad that was updated a week ago, there has to be a reason for this

so you all say the right thing would be to do is confront him

normally i would agree with this, communication is the #1 factor in having a good relationship

but right now we dont know if we can trust the guy

we could confront him and let's say he really did make that ad to find other girls. now what do you think eh is gonna say? he is gonna lie and say he wasn't really looking for girls on that obviously. if he is the kind of guy that is looking for girls while going out with someone else, he is not gonna come out and admit it when confronted with it, he will lie to make himself look good.

now it could be it was done for innocent reasons, in which case he would tell the truth and everything would be fine. but his truth would probably the same type of thing that a lie would be. so how would she really know if he was a jerk and lying or if he was a nice guy and telling the truth? the answer would be the same either way if she confronted to him, so sonfronting him really solves no answers.

so just sending an e-mail would get down to the bottom of it. this is the only way to really solve the answer, and she can take appropriate action after that.

trust me i know honesty, and communication, and trusting is all key to a relationship, but if she is the only one who is honest and communicating and trust worthy, then she will get hurt. i know guys, they are jerks, they will lie when they get caught in something like this. and girls usually fall for it. i hate jerks, they are jackasses, and this is the only way to find out if he is or not.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

while i don't think pax would look like a snoop for coming across his personal ad, i definitely think she would if she were to blatantly lie to her boyfriend and send the fake e-mail.

it seems to me that since he can't be trusted now and may lie, pax needs to lie to him and break his trust in her? that could so easily backfire. i think that plan has disaster written all over it.

pax, what you're doing right now is perfect. just sit on it for a while, act like nothing's happened. look and see if there's any need for suspicion. if need be, bring up the ad whenever you think it's necessary, be it in a week or two, or never.

 

[ABEL]

I agree that sending the fake email is a bad idea. Besides being sneaky, it could potentially backfire. He might think you didn't trust him enough to ask him about it in the first place.

I'd say thinking about it for a while is the right thing to do.

Maybe even wait a while, and log on to check his ad and see if he's updated it or whatever. Perhaps even mention to him again that you'd like your relationship with him to be more, but don't bring up the ad or anything. See where things go with your relationship from there, and then in a while, check the site again to see if he's changed the ad?