A dissapointing encounter

[Night & Day]

Theres a certain band i've been listening to for about 4 years, and i really, really love their music.
The music is young and deep, thought provoking, yet fun.
I wrote the band an email via MySpace,
and expressed my joy in the music and how it has helped me through some rough spots in my life, etc...
The member responding was extremely nice and humble.
He was genuinely sincere and grateful for my input and thanked me for listening and being a fan.
We exchanged a few emails, and encouraged one another with some personal issues that came out of those emails.
Very innocent stuff, no harm done.

Late last night, i was replying to an email and he asked if i had AIM, and asked if i wanted to talk.
I got on and at first he was really cool and gentlemanly, i thought how great is this...im talking to someone i really admire and dig.
But then he started getting sexual, asking me what it thought about certain positions and acts.
I told him that i wasnt some gooey teenager looking to hook up with him,
but i was a grown woman that takes intimacy seriously,
and i wasnt going to be pulled in by his celebrity.
He told me that he thought i was hot and was very interested in me sexually.
It was like a total 360 from who he was in emails.
I just told him i enjoyed his music, and thanks for his prior kindness,
but i was going to leave the conversation, and i signed off.
He later emailed me and apologized, but i am just kind of dissapointed with it all.
Ill still listen, because they really are a great band, one of my all time faves,
but i wont ever be able to listen without thinking of some of the things he said.

Has any one else had a dissapointing encounter with a 'celebrity', such as this?

 

[greety]

I'm sorry you had to go through this, and I can understand how dissappointed you are with the whole thing.

I can't say I've met anyone famous, so my answer to your question should be short, no.

But, however, you're trying to be kind and discrete about his identity, but if he should come back to you with more suggestions and requests, I'd tell it out load, everywhere possible.

Just to prevent his from harming some real innocent girl (or even worse kid);

Also, are you sure he is who he claims to be??
I don't know much about these myspace accounts, but isn't it posible he made it up for his favourite band (or not), just to get in thouch with young girls??

 

[Got Philk?]

First things first. Way to stand your ground. What a jackass...

Second, that's really unfortunate. What a let down. I'm sorry this even had to happen to you.

 

[Night & Day]

Thank you for responding.

Greety, i am %100 sure its the member,
certain details of our prior conversations make me positive.
They are all currently doing seperate projects,
so i dont want to say the name of the band and cause the other members any embarassment,
because this man is an induvidual, not speaking on behalf of the band, but himself.
So with that said, if he was to continue his expressions, i would call him out as opposed to naming the band.

As far as other females being affected, i cant say.
When he asked me what i felt about certain things,
he said it was my maturity that was a turn on,
so i did wonder about how he conversed with younger females.
Thats where i told him i wasnt some teenager looking for anything,
but i did say with as much respectfulness as i could when he asked me about oral sex,
that any girl can get on her knees, but i considered it an art.
And i excused myself shortly after.

Not that it matters, but he did apologize for his 'actions', and asked me to please respond.
I really dont care that it was about sex, i mean, its natural, and i do enjoy talking about it,
but i guess my dissapointment or let down was that it was someone i thought had, through his music,
been a more deeper, more mature being.


Phil, thanks.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

but i guess my dissapointment or let down was that it was someone i thought had, through his music,
been a more deeper, more mature being.

I understand what you mean by that, but when all is said and done he's a guy. I'm not saying all guys are like that, but he's a guy.

It always hurts when you build up expectations in people based upon your contact with them and other aspects of them-but I have learned the hard way that some of that also comes from within yourself. In NO WAY am I blaming you for what he did or excusing it-there's no excuse for it and you are not to blame. It's hard for me to articulate into words, but just personally speaking I build up expectations of guys when I think they are different and special that just don't always pan out- and I have learned to recognize what in me leads me to do that. For whatever that is worth.

 

[Night & Day]

I understand what you mean by that, but when all is said and done he's a guy. I'm not saying all guys are like that, but he's a guy.

I was going to say that..he's a guy, and the whole, he's a 'typical guy', etc...but i try and not stereotype, i guess.
But its so true, why cant i just have a conversation with a grown man and if it leads to opinions of sex,
leave it as a conversation and not a sign that i want to bone him.

I have had a few conversations with a few of the high profile men here on Interference,
and have appreciated that it was mature,
kept to the issue and didnt turn into something vulgar.
It was for informational purposes on both sides and kept confidential.
No flirting, no innuendos...just interesting conversation.
I've been accused of 'asking for it', and i think thats so unfair.

Thanks for your reply Mrs. S.

 

[BVS]

I understand what you mean by that, but when all is said and done he's a guy. I'm not saying all guys are like that, but he's a guy.

I really find this insulting. As much as you speak about sexism in FYM, I find this comment coming from you very suprising.

Being a guy is neither the reason nor excuse for this person's actions.

 

[BVS]

night_and_day66, sorry to hear about this unfortunate incident.

 

[FitzChivalry]

NightandDay, I'm sorry that happened to you. That does suck and I'm sorry you were let down.

 

[BonosBaby12]

Sorry you had to go through this NightandDay Damn shame when something like this happens.

 

[Got Philk?]

I understand what you mean by that, but when all is said and done he's a guy. I'm not saying all guys are like that, but he's a guy.

And this sucks when you're a guy who is NOT like that. The whole "giving us a bad name" line comes to mind here.


There are good men out there. I promise!

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I really find this insulting. As much as you speak about sexism in FYM, I find this comment coming from you very suprising.

Being a guy is neither the reason nor excuse for this person's actions.

Sorry you take it that way, I didn't mean to insult and that's why I said "not all guys are like that". I don't think it's a reason or excuse, and I don't know why you would think that I do

The bottom line reality is that I've been around long enough to have experience as a teacher, and some of my experiences have taught me certain things- that's all. A guy can come across as not being the kind of guy that night and day had this experience with-when in reality he is. And it's a huge letdown when you previously thought he wasn't. Saying things like "he's a guy" is more of something you tell yourself to soothe the hurt. It doesn't mean that you think all guys are like that, though at the time it is happening it can certainly seem that way.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I was going to say that..he's a guy, and the whole, he's a 'typical guy', etc...but i try and not stereotype, i guess.

I try not to as well, and I explained in my other post what I mean by saying that-it only works for me sometimes.

I've been accused of 'asking for it', and i think thats so unfair.

Do you mean by some of the guys that you converse with? This guy? Well I guess some of them take the leap from someone being open and honest about sexual matters to, well, she is a certain way and will comply with me in certain ways. It's the same attitude that a woman is "asking for it" because of how she dresses. That's their problem- perhaps an issue of maturity and perhaps an issue of certain sexist attitudes. I would try my best to see it as that-but I also would never have anything else to do with them.

 

[HeartlandGirl]

Has any one else had a dissapointing encounter with a 'celebrity', such as this?

I have, only it was in real life and not over the Internet. Basically a pleasant evening with some people from one of my favorite bands turned sour when I refused to sleep with one of the band members. Same as in your case, he apologized profusely once I got mad and decided to leave.

It was disappointing, but I certainly don't hold it against him or the band. More than anything, it reminds me that celebrities are perfectly human, too, only I think they're more used to getting what they want. I still love the band and listen to them, and I just chalk that night up to another interesting experience in my life.

 

[JCOSTER]

I know you feel bad....but I would just chalk it up to immaturity of that person. From what you said, they obviously couldn't deal with your maturity and switched the conversation to dealing with sex. I would also imagine that a popular band may have a big ego and think that anyone that gets in touch with them may want only one thing.

Sorry you feel bad

 

[BVS]

Sorry you take it that way, I didn't mean to insult and that's why I said "not all guys are like that". I don't think it's a reason or excuse, and I don't know why you would think that I do

The bottom line reality is that I've been around long enough to have experience as a teacher, and some of my experiences have taught me certain things- that's all. A guy can come across as not being the kind of guy that night and day had this experience with-when in reality he is. And it's a huge letdown when you previously thought he wasn't. Saying things like "he's a guy" is more of something you tell yourself to soothe the hurt. It doesn't mean that you think all guys are like that, though at the time it is happening it can certainly seem that way.

Ok, I understand.

 

[Westport]

Not to excuse the guy but your myspace page may have helped in putting some ideas into his head:

- The beautiful pictures

- "I put the Lush in Luscious..."

- A reminder that it's Breast Awareness Month

- A link entitled "Your Penis Name is 100% All-beef Themometer" (Get your own Penis Name)

 

[Night & Day]

Not to excuse the guy but your myspace page may have helped in putting some ideas into his head:

- The beautiful pictures

- "I put the Lush in Luscious..."

- A reminder that it's Breast Awareness Month

- A link entitled "Your Penis Name is 100% All-beef Themometer" (Get your own Penis Name)

Well, gee, i guess im a slut and im asking for it.
Just for your info, he didnt even see my profile, he admitted he didn't even look until the conversation on AIM.

So what exactly are you saying here, that because i have these things, i should be sexually harrassed?
You conveniantly left out the rest of my profile,
where i talk about my children and my love of driving, family, music and life.
You know what, i dont even know why i am replying to this...because its really not fair.
I am a person with a sense of humor and a zest for life.
Implying that just because i have a few humorous details in my profile is reason for some one to talk to me
in an explict and degrading manner frankly turns my stomache.

You are way out of line even bringing this up.

Oh, but hey, thanks for checking out my profile...leave me a comment some time.

Not.

 

[BVS]

Not to excuse the guy but your myspace page may have helped in putting some ideas into his head:

- The beautiful pictures

- "I put the Lush in Luscious..."

- A reminder that it's Breast Awareness Month

- A link entitled "Your Penis Name is 100% All-beef Themometer" (Get your own Penis Name)

 

[BonosBaby12]

Harmless jokes such as those on a myspace page hardly constitute the treatment given out. Never mind it's been stated that he never looked at the page before talking to her on AIM.

 

[starsgoblue]

Not to excuse the guy but your myspace page may have helped in putting some ideas into his head:

- The beautiful pictures

- "I put the Lush in Luscious..."

- A reminder that it's Breast Awareness Month

- A link entitled "Your Penis Name is 100% All-beef Themometer" (Get your own Penis Name)

Are you for real?? I've read your comment over and over and I'm still appalled...

 

[indra]

I've been very lucky in that musicians I've gotten to talk to and know haven't been disappointments to me. I do have to admit I'm very cautious about who I try to talk to because I do worry about that person who's work I admire so much being a jerk. Most of the time I opt not to say (well, in most cases write as it's easier to contact people now online) much more than a fairly generic "love your work. it's means a lot to me" comment even if it does mean much more to me. The more you open up the greater the potential for significant reward, but it also opens up you up for significant disillusionment and hurt too.


As for Myspace, "he's a guy" and teenagers looking to hook up vs grown woman, well...

-- Myspace -- I have a page, know several other people with pages and most of us aren't using it as a meat market, but let's face it, it does have that reputation. Whether that perception is right or wrong I think it pays to be aware of it.

-- "he's a guy" -- I've found that both men and women can talk and think about sex in every way -- very graphic, but still just for kicks; very graphic, but quite clinical or primarily for education (and I don't mean as in a formal setting); fun and flirty; creepy and sleazy; and everything in between. Yeah there are differences in how men and women view sex and sexual talk, but I don't think they are as big as many seem to think.

-- teenagers looking to hook up vs a grown woman -- I had to laugh at this because I know women in their 30s and 40s who use "your music has changed my life/helped me so much" conversations to get exactly what "your" musician thought you wanted. Clearly he misread your intentions, but women older than teens out for a quick fuck from their favourite musician isn't as improbable as you seem to think.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Upon reading this thread, I have to say that Indra's last sentence up there was one of the first things to come to mind (yes it is that dirty ). And that the next thought is that this guy is not just a "guy" but a musician. And the reason lots of boys join bands is to get shags. And sometimes as U2 fans we tend to forget that not all bands are as virtuous as our lot are.

Not to denigrate your experience, but you were probably 24765th in line for his particular brand of chat, a line of chat that in the past has got him results.

 

[MirrorballLemon]

Hey now, even rock stars need to get laid every now and then. Cut the guy some slack.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

See this is where the real flip side of "he's a guy" comes in. The side that makes some women feel that way. You know what, if you need to get your sexual desires satisfied that badly then go masturbate. That's what that is for-to get those satisfied without screwing with other people and hurting their feelings and degrading who they are. Women are human beings with feelings, and we deserve respect. We are not empty vessels who exist to satisfy your sexual desires. No matter what she has on her MySpace page, she deserves basic respect and respect for boundaries in whatever sort of encounter with a guy. Like she said, she has other stuff on there about herself and what is important in her life. Yes this sort of stuff goes on-but it is by mutual consent-NOT "well she must be (fill in the blank) because of some content on her MySpace page. The key word being MUTUAL, which usually involves mutual communication and mutual understanding. As soon as it's not mutual, well you have crossed the line. You have already crossed the line by making assumptions about her or any other woman by what is on their MySpace page.

And no matter how young a guy is, that's no excuse. It's not all that difficult to learn sensitivity-all it requires is some thought, intention, action, introspection-that kind of stuff. The kind of stuff that takes some work beyond dirty talk. When you have some respectful, thoughtful relationships with women you can learn that sort of stuff-and you can just learn it as well from working on yourself. Communicate with females, learn about them. Work on yourself. If you haven't been taught certain things in the way you were raised, then teach yourself-or unlearn what you have been taught.

It scares me that any guy doesn't have a sense of boundaries when it comes to this issue. It's not much of a leap from that to other things.

Whatever anyone thinks about MySpace, as far as I know it's still not a prostitution or escort service. I'm sure there must be plenty of guys on there with sexual stuff on their pages-does that mean females should contact them and start asking them for sex and discussing sex with them in unwanted ways? Gee something tells me that all guys on there wouldn't be comfortable with that. Even though, judging from some of the replies here, you're all ruled by your sex drives. You really do a disservice to your gender with the expression of that attitude.

 

[A_Wanderer]

If a good looking woman comes offering sex then your a mark, but the denigration of meaningless and mutually fufilling sex I don't understand - it's infinitely more honest than the bastards who manipulate with a sensitive act to bed the girl only to move on immediately.

 

[MirrorballLemon]

See this is where the real flip side of "he's a guy" comes in. The side that makes some women feel that way. You know what, if you need to get your sexual desires satisfied that badly then go masturbate.

Even though, judging from some of the replies here, you're all ruled by your sex drives. You really do a disservice to your gender with the expression of that attitude.

Sista please...

There's no doubt in my mind that this guy is a pig, a big one at that. No woman should ever have to be degraded in such a way.

But...

Not all men are like that. You think that just because we have a dick that that makes us perverts and we're all 'ruled by our sex drives'. Not all men are like that.

You need to stop judging a whole group based on the actions of a few.

 

[MirrorballLemon]

...it's infinitely more honest than the bastards who manipulate with a sensitive act to bed the girl only to move on immediately.

Couldn't agree more

 

[Got Philk?]

Not to excuse the guy but your myspace page may have helped in putting some ideas into his head:

- The beautiful pictures

- "I put the Lush in Luscious..."

I've tried to stay away from my sarcasm...but it's overtaken me!!!

1. My wife has some "beautiful picutres" here on interference. Does that mean she should readily accept pm's about what she thinks of different positions?

And I didn't know Lush or Luscious meant "I will have sex with anyone!!"

carry on...

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Sista please...

There's no doubt in my mind that this guy is a pig, a big one at that. No woman should ever have to be degraded in such a way.

But...

Not all men are like that. You think that just because we have a dick that that makes us perverts and we're all 'ruled by our sex drives'. Not all men are like that.

You need to stop judging a whole group based on the actions of a few.

First of all, please don't call me "sista". You are completely missing the point- you are the one who is acting as if all men are ruled by their sex drives. "Even rock stars need to get laid, cut the guy some slack" -that's not projecting that attitude? Cut the guy some slack? Now you are saying what you are saying about him-so I guess you're backpedaling. Please don't tell me what I need to stop doing when what you post directly plays into a certain judgment of a whole group.

Just because guys have dicks doesn't give them the license to act like dicks-and some just don't get that, and some never will. Some never evolve.