a complete disdain for sexuality

[Solar Supernova]

Alright. Over the past year or so, I have developed very strong feelings for woman in general on a plutonic (I think thats the right word Im looking for) level. The more I get to know them, the more I usually like them. Ofcourse I have NO trouble finding girls to be attracted, that is, I mean really, not at ALL a factor in this.

Well, my problem is this. I cannot for the life of me, picture anything romantic with them. No, Im not at all gay, thats not even an issue at all, its just like I'd rather see them happy with someone else than with me.

That, obviously, is a very frustrating feeling. I KNOW I have blown possible relationships by me simply saying "no thanks" to the flirting game that would lead to bigger and so called "better" things.

Its like Id rather see myself be alone and happy, not worrying about someone else, if Im doing a good enough job or whatever. And yet, while I feel this, there is a huge feeling over me that tells me you can make a positive difference in someones life. This being said in a romantic way, I remind you.

I believe it stems from my past relationships where I was in a wreck emotionally most of the time, cause I just KNEW something wasn't right, and it was the sickest feeling. Well, as fate would have it, my instinct was correct, and I was crushed like Ive never been destroyed before. Ive had a relationship since, but I just didn't allow myself to delve any further into it.

So to sum it up, this is where I am at: I have been blessed with so many great female friends, and the ones I have, it just makes me thing that I would never want to get in a dating relationship with a girl of this calibre because they are perfect the way they are, and I have nothing to give them that would be of any use or benefit.

Its troubling at times, but really, times like RIGHT now, I believe Id rather see someone I could be interested in, be with someone else. It would save me the most definate and imminant heartbreak and would also give me the joy of seeing that person happy. Just not with me.

Am I completely alone on this? I can't, to be quite honest, imagine anyone else on earth feeling this way. Its like Im rejecting my sexuality to save myself from the pain of heartbreak and the fear of screwing someone that I could really like up!

Anyone have ANY idea of what Im talking about?

Please bear in mind that it is late, and though what Im feeling isnt a result of that, my wording might be. So siphle through the trash and hopefully you get what Im trying desperately to say.


[This message has been edited by Solar Supernova (edited 02-06-2002).]

 

[Angela Harlem]

Theres nothing wrong with that at all. A lot of people spend their lives unattached.

As long as you aren't so disciplined that you find one day, falling absolutely uncrontrollably in love with someone, but still forego it for the sake of any potential heart break. That I think would be a shame. I think in general we only have a certain amount of control over falling that much for someone, and at the end of the day, it kind of leads you, rather than you leading it.
Mostly, just do whatever makes YOU happy.

 

[zoomerang II]

do whatever feels right. The only problem is that if you always fear fear, you will always be in fear. That makes no sense i know. Gawd im rattling on now - anyway, you may be in denial that you feel in some romantic way about these people because you have been hurt, but you are only ultimately hurting yourself if you really do feel that way. Or maybe you just haven't met the right person yet.

I think ive just been watching Fight Club.

------------------
In the stillness of the evening
When the sun has had its day
I heard your voice whispering...

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

Just reading the first few things you said, I can tell you that I feel somewhat the same way. Relationships, if I dont know someone and they approach me then sure Ill give it a shot, but if its one of my friends or someone I care about, even just a little, I immediately insist that they get someone else and be happy, cuz I cant give them what I think they deserve. So no, you arent alone on this. Im probably a little different in most respects though, I mean age even, I assume youre not 17, so you have a bit more life experiance, but nonetheless that strays from the point... Id do anything for any one of my friends, but I try to get away and watch if Im not needed in any way. And I know the conflict, its depressing at the same time that it is wonderful, to know that someone is truely happy, and yet to not have anyone to care about and get close to - Im like this all the time, I almost seem manic depressive where Im joyous and smiling and then the next moment someone says something and I shift back into self-degradation (probably not normal but we're not here to diagnose me with mental illness of any sort so just ignore that).

My question to you, is do you suffer in silence? Like, would you go through endless yet futile trouble just to help out or even humour those you care about? even if theres nothing in it for you, and you arent happy (with yourself and what youre doing)? I always seem to be more willing to keep others happy then myself, and if people say Im needed, Ill be there, theres only the point where it crosses any moral boundaries of mine where I step back from the oppertunity. For example, Ill help someone with homework, but I wont do it for them. If my friends are getting together, and dont invite me, then I wont go, I simply cant just invite myself when it isnt my place to do so. If someone needs me to go on the net and bitch at an ex-boyfriend for them, then I will, and to that extent Ill even lie just to help carry out revenge, but thats all it is at those times, lies, nothing I say parallels anything in my life. Its both good and bad, as mentioned earlier, its a horrible flaw in character to do things for people - be them needed or not - just to feel useful and trying to make a difference in their lives, but at the same time, that other person looking at what youre doing, its great that they seem to have someone who cares enough to help out or just suprise them... Be there for them...

Anyways... I dont know what the hell Im talking about, or what point exactly I was trying to make... maybe I just wanted attention who knows... Basically, if I said something you can relate to, great, if not, then oooh Ill just be dissapearing now, since Im not one to open myself up to anyone, but what the hell eh? Lets just make a public spectacle of how flawed my thinking is and how messed up I am. Woo! *runs away*

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

On a smiliar note, I wrote this as well to go with the last message, but didnt include it as it was broadly off topic... If you dont care to read it then dont.

Sexuality in society - other thoughts as a prelude... Starting off, basically, I tell anyone who treats me like crap that I am self-appointed 'worlds doormat', because thats really how it feels. People come to me for advice, I hear them out, tell them what I think and what I think they should do, and they come back and yell at me cuz they didnt listen to what I said and did something stupid, like its all my fault and I should have tried to stop them - newsflash btw, anyone out there who does stuff like this, complaining, getting advice, not taking it, and then complaining more, its your own damn fault for not listening so we dont want to hear how things didnt work out.

It might be considered "old school" morals that I have speaking, but people shouldnt just go to the mall, pick somebody up, go back to their place and fool around. Thats just not somethign that should be done. I dont care what society says, or how many ppl do things like that, just because everyones doing it doesnt make it right. Ive had 2 friends, both girls, do this recently, and said they felt like whores, and I didnt argue with them and then they yelled at me. Im not just their yes-man to tell them what they want to hear so they feel better, sure I want them to feel better, but they never consider what I might feel, like I dont have emotions. It feels like a big kick in the face to be there for someone 24/7, to help them when they need it, never get anything in return (which is the way things should be, you help to help, not to be paid back for your time), never be helped when I have problems, care about them nonetheless... and then to have some dumbass from off the street doing goodness only knows what with them when they have no right in the world to be with them, and sure as hell dont deserve them (being with the, and deserving them, both refer to others not deserving my friends). But its not like my opinion matters, because of course Im not allowed to do anything but be other people's thinking processes when it suits them. Society is complete shit. People think they can get away with anything, do whatever the hell tehy want, not have to worry about the consequences... Well there are consequences, being called a whore, let alone feeling remorse and calling yourself a whore, well those are probably the least of someones worries. Why people are so ignorant and take things out on me is just way beyond my reasoning. Any retaliatory remarks on my half, mind you I dont call them whores or sluts, and I still get yelled at like it was somehow my fault that they feel badly? Anyways... I dont know... The sad thing is, is that no matter what Im still their friends, and I still care, and I cant just say see you in hell and walk away... Being nice, being forgiving, caring, trusting, respect, they seem to be qualities all possessed soley by me... Its really frustrating when the world values so much bullshit and Im the one who gets rejected...


Nonetheless, Im done my rant, carry on with your intellectual conversation, I just needed to get that out, and this is the confessionals.

 

[Sicy]

I sometimes feel the same way actually.

Sometimes I feel I would be a lot happier in life alone. I get all weirded out when I'm with someone alot or whatever, I need my space. But thats just me because I dont mind spending time by myself. In fact I enjoy it. I know I'm weird.

 

[UV2001]

Well I keep falling for men quite a bit older or attached. People I don't stand a chance with so I ask my friend why she thought I kept doing that and she said it was because I was not ready for anything really serious and my mind was just doing it so that I didn't get hurt. See you are not the only one who has that problem. I got hurt and I feel I am over it but maybe deep down there is a part of me that isn't. If you need anyone to chat to I am a good listener. My email is :
ultraviolet_9@yahoo.com

Hope it helps to know that although the story isn't the same the situation is

 

[The_Sweetest_Thing]

My relationships never seem to get beyond the first date. I'll like the guy until then, go out, have a wonderful time. Then, it's like, since the thrill of the chase is over, not that I know he likes me, it's a done deal, and swoosh! I'd rather not dat him again. I'd rather see him w/ someone else cause I know he's not right for me.

 

[UV2001]

Originally posted by The_Sweetest_Thing:
My relationships never seem to get beyond the first date. I'll like the guy until then, go out, have a wonderful time. Then, it's like, since the thrill of the chase is over, not that I know he likes me, it's a done deal, and swoosh! I'd rather not dat him again. I'd rather see him w/ someone else cause I know he's not right for me.

Maybe thats why I like people I can't have cos I'm like that too.

 

[scatteroflight]

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels weird about things like this...A few years ago I had a crush on someone I knew it would never work out with and I was so stressed about it it made me physically ill. I lost about eight or ten pounds over a six month period and since I'm skinny anyway that wasn't good. Since then I haven't felt that strongly about anyone again (which I'm glad about because it was a very painful and out of control feeling) but I've had a couple of guys interested in me (yep, only a couple)--and when I realized it, even though (at the time) I thought they were at least nice and cool guys, I got that same feeling of physical stress, not being able to eat properly and everything. It really weirded me out because I thought I was happy about this new opportunity in my life but it had this most unpleasant effect on me, which I couldn't control at all. I think that because my experiences and non-experiences so far have all been anywhere from pathetic to extremely painful, I am afraid of the prospect of a relationship. I think I just have to trust that when I do meet someone who is really right, it will FEEL right too, not the ridiculous stress I seem to get. Now if people would just stop letting me down and trying to destroy my basic faith in human nature...



------------------
Love was never a single emotion

-ACROB@T