Smart "Girls" Marry Money?

[Bono's shades]

It's called school. I don't think political correctness though is good for men and women because they get confused on what role each is fullfilling. I believe in choice but I don't think real relationships involve 50/50 in all things. It just doesn't happen.

So as a woman what do you think my "role" should be in a relationship?

 

[purpleoscar]

So as a woman what do you think my "role" should be in a relationship?

I'm just saying that nothing is 50/50 in a relationship. A relationship has to do with duties that both AGREE to. If I cook better than my spouse then I'll probably cook more than her and vice versa. If someone is sick I may have to do much more work than I would like. It's not about all women and men having the same duties ordained by God. The confusion comes when both men and women have their own preconeptions of how it should be and find that it doesn't work that way. Many relationships adjust and find a happy medium but many end in separation because they can't reconcile their differences.

There are women who want to stay at home and men that want them to go earn money. There are men who want women to stay and home and women find it boring and want to work. Each relationship is unique so a 'traditional' or 'modern' cookie cutter relationship won't work for all couples.

 

[BVS]

I'm just saying that nothing is 50/50 in a relationship. A relationship has to do with duties that both AGREE to.

Well I think that that "agree to" part is the 50/50 part that most people are referring to when they talk about relationships.

I know from personal experience if a relationship is not 50/50 it will fail. I can put in 120% even 150% but at the end of the day it's only 50% of the equation, I cannot make up for lack of participation.

 

[AliEnvy]

Who knows?

Except that penis size doesn't actually equate to health and virility. The size difference compared to other animals probably has more to do with walking upright.

But anyway.

If money issues are the number one cause of marital problems, clearly people would be smart to properly assess financial compatibility and expectations before marriage.

 

[BVS]

Who's more of a quack Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz?

 

[AliEnvy]

All Oprah-appointed gurus seems to have big doses of good sense AND quackery.

 

[mysterious_jen]

My requirements in women are - and I'm trying to be objective here - fairly unrealistic. I like them to be both submissive and very intelligent with high earning capability.

well dear as some one who is relitively intelligent and has a high earning capacity i know i didnt get there by being SUBMISSIVE

you better change your expectations or its going to be a lonely life.

 

[anitram]

I don't think political correctness though is good for men and women because they get confused on what role each is fullfilling.

Dear Lord, I need to go back on vacation.

 

[BVS]

Dear Lord, I need to go back on vacation.

Yeah, I was hoping the two of them were playing into their neanderthal roles, but I'm not so sure this one is...

 

[nadie]

As far as I'm concerned, penis size has always been the preoccupation of men, not women.

Seriously. I'd like to see a female come here and say she mainly looks for a ginormous member in a man.

 

[purpleoscar]

Well I think that that "agree to" part is the 50/50 part that most people are referring to when they talk about relationships.

I know from personal experience if a relationship is not 50/50 it will fail. I can put in 120% even 150% but at the end of the day it's only 50% of the equation, I cannot make up for lack of participation.

In your premise it makes sense (participation vs. non-participation) but what I'm talking about is whether someone CAN participate 50/50. Illness or lack of certain skills doesn't lead to 50/50. When my dad married my mom she was young beautiful and participating but she got slayed by Alzheimers at a young age so he had to literally take care of her like a baby for at least 10 years. My point is how many people are ready for that? There are so many diseases out there and we all succumb to something. 50/50 is nice and dandy but that's not what happens most of the time especially when cancer or stroke kicks in. I still think friendship and caring on both sides (beyond lust which fades) is the real thing. When you have a deep down love for someone lots can be overcome.

You sound like in your relationship only one half was involved. My only tip that I can think of is to look at the mother. Often when you look at a parent you can see where the child is going and ironically even if the child is rebellious they end up like their parents as time goes on when they have to raise children themselves. My brother married someone when she was a certain way and as she got older she turned more and more like her mother which is 'bat-shit crazy' who complains about every little thing to create drama everyday so peace is impossible. I think that would wear down most people. The only time it's different is if your girlfriend has moral reasons to be different than the parents and she's making a clean break in which case you are also fine. Find out what lifestyle you like to live and live it then invite a woman and see if she's averse to it or not. There's nothing worse than prolonging the romantic period so a person falls in love with a mental projection instead of the real you. Then if things are going well you have to not just meet the parents but to get to know them to a certain degree. If you don't absolutely hate her family and can get along reasonably enough then you should be in good shape. Thanksgiving dinner is so much better when you get along with the inlaws.

Of course I'm not a psychologist. This psychologist supposedly can predict whether a good portion of couples will make it or not:

John Gottman - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Part of Gottman's theory states that there are four major emotional reactions that are destructive to a marriage: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. Among these four, Gottman considers contempt the most important of them all.

He has outlined seven principles that will reinforce the positive aspects of a relationship and help marriages endure during the rough moments.

Enhance Your Love Maps. Gottman defines a love map as the place in your brain where you store information pertaining to your partner. This is crucial in really knowing your partner, their dreams, hopes, interests, and maintaining their interest throughout the relationship.

Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. This means laying down a positive view about your spouse, respecting and appreciating their differences.

Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. Acknowledging your partner's small moments in life and orienting yourself towards them will maintain that necessary connection that is vital for the relationship.

Let Your Partner Influence You. It is important to maintain your own identity in a relationship, but it is equally important to yield to your partner and give in. If both partners allow one another this influence, then they will learn to respect one another on a deeper level.

Solve Your Solvable Problems. It is important to compromise on issues that can be resolved, which Gottman believes can be accomplished by these five steps: soften your startup, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise, and be tolerant of each other’s faults.

Overcome Gridlock. Major issues that cannot be resolved because both partners’ views are so fundamentally different involves understanding of the other person and deep communication. The goal is to at least get to a position that allows the other person to empathize with the partner's view, even if a compromise cannot be reached.

Create Shared Meaning. Create a shared value system that continually connects the partners through rituals/traditions, shared roles and symbols.

A lot of this seems obvious but a lot of people don't bother.

clearly people would be smart to properly assess financial compatibility and expectations before marriage.

That's the most important point especially the expectations part and I would include expectations on money, sex, children, worldview, house chores etc. A lot of couples go to seminars to look at all the reasons why relationships don't work out before they tie the knot. I saw one co-worker when she came back from one of those seminars and you can tell by her body language that she felt down but that's probably what needs to happen if she feels 'down' to the ground of reality.

Yeah, I was hoping the two of them were playing into their neanderthal roles, but I'm not so sure this one is...

Hey I thought conservatives were the only ones with a dualistic mode of thinking.

Seriously my mom and grandmother worked but they mixed work with raising kids with their hours so you could call it a modern/traditional mix. Most families have to have both spouses working simply to pay bills and the setup changes depending on how old the children are.

Seriously. I'd like to see a female come here and say she mainly looks for a ginormous member in a man.

I think Dr. Oz is talking about some kind of Freudian subconscious thing. He didn't site any scientific basis for it so I think it's just his assertion. I certainly wouldn't be looking at a woman only because she has nice jugs.

 

[BVS]

In your premise it makes sense (participation vs. non-participation) but what I'm talking about is whether someone CAN participate 50/50.

It's not just the participation of chores and economics that I'm talking about, it's also the emotional participation. In my experience if you have the full emotional participation the others will follow.

 

[purpleoscar]

It's not just the participation of chores and economics that I'm talking about, it's also the emotional participation. In my experience if you have the full emotional participation the others will follow.

 

[AliEnvy]

In my experience if you have the full emotional participation the others will follow.

It's a bit of a chicken or egg thing. Emotional dislocation is usually caused by needs or expectations not being met in some other area.

Also, cultures that support arranged marriage would argue the opposite statement.

 

[Irvine511]

It's not about all women and men having the same duties ordained by God.

then why are there two opposite genders? are you saying that gender doesn't matter?

 

[Irvine511]

Except that penis size doesn't actually equate to health and virility. The size difference compared to other animals probably has more to do with walking upright.

but does it correlate to (perceived) sexual satisfaction? or the perception that a man with a larger penis would theoretically have more available mates (due to the perception that he will deliver greater sexual satisfaction) and if you are the mate he chooses then that must say something about you? might that be more the reason that natural selection has made us hung?

 

[Irvine511]

It's a bit of a chicken or egg thing. Emotional dislocation is usually caused by needs or expectations not being met in some other area.

hence, the need for a bigger penis.

 

[RedRocksU2]

lol

 

[AliEnvy]

but does it correlate to (perceived) sexual satisfaction? or the perception that a man with a larger penis would theoretically have more available mates (due to the perception that he will deliver greater sexual satisfaction) and if you are the mate he chooses then that must say something about you? might that be more the reason that natural selection has made us hung?

I think that's predominantly a male perception that is easily manipulated by females in the battle of the sexes.

 

[AliEnvy]

hence, the need for a bigger penis.

Or a bigger bank account.

 

[purpleoscar]

then why are there two opposite genders? are you saying that gender doesn't matter?

Nowadays women can participate in many jobs that men do because pure brawn and physical strength isn't needed as much anymore. Mechanized farming allows for a huge surplus of food and labor saving devices improves working conditions. Because of this men and women have more flexibility in roles. I know a guy who is a stay at home dad and his wife is a high income earning pharmacist. They are happy and well and the kids are well adjusted. This wouldn't be in most situations but there is some flexibility out there for different roles. There are differences in gender but it's hard to generalize completely. Women are better at language and men are better at mathematics but I'm sure there are always exceptions when we are dealing with individuals. Women need to meet male standards to be a firefighter and surely most women wouldn't be able to do so, but there are some women who can.

The area that may be difficult when it comes to gender is the fact that men are usually attracted to feminine women and women attracted to masculine guys so for an emotional connection I find in my experience that women tend to be averse to less than masculine types (again there are exceptions). When men compete for jobs with women they tend to be less chivalrous because women are now competition. A lot of men have lost their jobs in the current economy because many are in jobs like construction but women haven't as much because many work in government and administrative jobs so again families have to be flexible to all kinds of changes irregardless of gender.

Men losing jobs at higher rate than women in recession - USATODAY.com

Personally I like women to be feminine (I love it!) but I won't hold it against them if they get more pay than me and I won't tolerate degrading behaviour against me if they looked down upon me for not earning as much.

 

[BVS]

Also, cultures that support arranged marriage would argue the opposite statement.

Well this is true, I was speaking more from a western perspective...

Arranged marriages do as a whole last longer, but are they happier I don't know. I think there are certain aspects one can take from both types in order to keep a successful marriage.

 

[AliEnvy]

I think there are certain aspects one can take from both types in order to keep a successful marriage.

That would sum up what the book in the OP is about although presented in a more provocative way.

 

[yolland]

In India, a common reassurance offered to the anxious prospective bride or groom whose parents have just arranged their marriage is 'Love will come with time.' The idea being that the process of committedly building a new life, household and family together generates its own deep mutual affection over the years. I think most people in our culture who've been happily married for a good number of years would find a lot of truth in that; that there's a kind of abiding fondness which results from years of giving your utmost together that's quite different from the nervy-giddy feeling of being 'madly in love,' but in its own way just as pleasurable and satisfying. Of course that doesn't always pan out, but then neither does the hope that being passionately in love today indicates many happy years together. 'Under which system are people in general happier' is probably almost a moot point, because so many of our expectations are culturally contingent (though that's not necessarily the same as whether they're 'high' or low').

Economic contentment is much more about how you plan and manage your mutual ambitions and budget than about how much either of you has to start with, but, I suppose if you're adamant about having a pretty high standard of living and aren't personally inclined towards a career that will likely deliver that, then it makes sense to deliberately seek a partner who's already financially successful. But the notion that merely because you're a woman, better give up at the outset on any hopes of a lucrative career yourself is patently ridiculous.

 

[Irvine511]

I think that's predominantly a male perception that is easily manipulated by females in the battle of the sexes.

i do wonder ... while, in theory, size doesn't matter, perhaps there's the sense that it does and that makes the hung among us that much more desirable even if there isn't any measurable increase in sexual pleasure?

for me, in my conception of what is attractive -- which is to say, more accurately, "what looks healthy to us" -- endowment is part of an overall picture of health, as attractive as big biceps or shoulders or abdominals. i think too much in either direction detracts from the overall picture of healthy manhood.

 

[AliEnvy]

i do wonder ... while, in theory, size doesn't matter, perhaps there's the sense that it does and that makes the hung among us that much more desirable even if there isn't any measurable increase in sexual pleasure?

Hung men in particular need to cling to this notion to reduce the competitive pool.

i think too much in either direction detracts from the overall picture of healthy manhood.

Pictures?



Which is to say happy medium is better than hung.

 

[Irvine511]

Hung men in particular need to cling to this notion to reduce the competitive pool.

i know many women and gay men who are, indeed, size queens. i can't think that it's all in their head.

if i were to offer my opinion, i'd say that extremes on both ends offer disadvantages, and while bigger is better from an aesthetic perspective, whilst in the act, it really does come down to the carpenter and not hte hammer.

Pictures?

just browse the website:

2(x)ist

Which is to say happy medium is better than hung.

or, someone who is happy with how they are hung.

 

[AliEnvy]

The idea being that the process of committedly building a new life, household and family together generates its own deep mutual affection over the years. I think most people in our culture who've been happily married for a good number of years would find a lot of truth in that

 

[AliEnvy]

it really does come down to the carpenter and not hte hammer.

...

or, someone who is happy with how they are hung.

Yes and yes!

Sure there are size queens though, otherwise the myth wouldn't persist so strongly. But they are a very much a minority among hetero women.

 

[financeguy]

well dear as some one who is relitively intelligent and has a high earning capacity i know i didnt get there by being SUBMISSIVE

you better change your expectations or its going to be a lonely life.

I like Dominatrixes too. What's your schedule like, say next week?