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WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. THE FOLLOWING HAS NO BASIS IN REALITY. WE CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY MISUNDERSTANDINGS THAT MAY ARISE DUE TO THE NATURE AND CONTENT OF THIS ARTICLE. IT IS ONLY MEANT TO PROVIDE SOME ENTERTAINMENT, MAYBE MAKE SOME OF YOU THINK A LITTLE, AND NOTHING MORE
U2 Kidnapped By Imposters
The FBI has announced that the band currently on tour as U2 is in fact nothing but a band of imposters. But this isn't just a case of a band pretending to be another band. This goes much, much further than that. Who are these imposters? Where has the real U2 been? How does it all tie together? Those questions and more will now be answered.
The real U2 has for the past month been splitting their time between FBI headquarters and living in a high-end luxury suite in a high-end hotel. The name and location of the hotel are being kept so secret that the FBI claims that not even the employees at this hotel know that the real U2 are there. Nor do we. Prior to the past month, the real U2 had been held captive in a Panic room in a mansion outside of Silicon Vally in California for over five years.
Whose mansion was it? Why were the real U2 there?
To fully understand what went on, what is going on, and how serious it all is, we must start at the beginning, in the summer of 1999. After releasing their first Best Of compilation in November of 1998, U2 had delved headfirst into the writing and recording of their then-new record. Their approach to this record was quite a bit different than what is commonly thought. The mixed reception of the previous record, 'Pop', and the Popmart Tour, didn't phase U2. In an interview conducted with the band in a top-secret location yesterday, the real Bono said
"That sort of lukewarm reaction we got to Pop and to Popmart, we didn't mind it at all. We've always had a certain attitude to making our music, one that says that we make the music we want to make in the way that we want to make it in, and we weren't gonna just abandon that because we only sold 6 million records instead of 10 million or whatever. That's not what we do."
Indeed, the band claims that they wanted to push the envelope even further than they ever had. The then-new record was to be entitled 'Bulldozer' and was to be very electronica-trip-hop-based yet also very four-guys-in-a-room minimalistic at the same time. Edge told us that the record would have been in a similar vein as Radiohead's 'Kid A', which wasn't released until the summer of 2000, a full year later. The tour that was to support 'Bulldozer' was to push the envelope even more than Popmart. In fact, it was the development of the tour that led to everything going wrong.
The tour was to be called 'Clonezone'. The concept: U2 would would employ visuals - aside from a giant LED screen ala Popmart and huge walls of mirrors - in the form of clones of themselves. Bono, Edge, Adam, and Larry would each have a clone. The vast majority of scientists say that human cloning is aways off and would be too dangerous at this point in time. But U2 found one man, a scientist who for legal reasons must remain unnamed, in California who was willing to help U2. We will call him Dr. Clone.
U2 were well aware that human cloning would be unwelcomed and unaccepted in today's society under most circumstances, but they truely believed that if they could pull this off, and have clones in their shows providing entertainment but remaining harmless, the world could be enticed to move towards the idea more quickly and less apprehensively. Dr. Clone swore to the band that he could clone humans, that despite what most scientists said, it could already be done. The two parties cut a deal. Dr. Clone preforms the cloning operation, U2 gives him 50% of the tour's profits, the clones would be 'disposed' of afterwards. U2 didn't how the 'disposal' would occur, nor were they responsible for it. Dr. Clone promised that he would take care of that part.
Unbeknownst to U2, Dr. Clone had an agenda of his own. He wanted to progress the science of human cloning and he needed a big stage in which to demonstrate it on. When he heard that U2 was in the market, he jumped at it. What bigger stage than a U2 tour would he ever have a chance at? He had, however, a lot at stake. The experiment had to be successful. The tour had to be successful. At any cost.
So, in November 1999, U2 and Dr. Clone met in California for the cloning itself. The details of how this was done are not known, and Dr. Clone is currently refusing to speak about the science and/or procedure of it. At first, the cloning appeared to have gone smoothly. But that didn't last long. To make a long story short, the Clones took over. Approximately one month after the cloning, U2 met with Dr. Clone to tell him they couldn't keep sufficient control of the clones, and were having second thoughts about doing their tour this way at all. Dr. Clone was incensed, beside himself. After arguing with the band for quite a while, he finally agreed to let the deal go and 'dispose' of the clones. The 'disposal' process is also being denied any kind of explanation by Dr. Clone. All that is known about the 'disposal' is that it never happened successfully. From what we gather, the clones displayed a far stronger human will than Dr. Clone had anticipated. They wouldn't allow themselves to be 'disposed'. Rather than upset Dr. Clone like it should have, it pleased him. It inspired him. He still wanted the U2 stage to show off his clones on. And he still believed he could get it despite U2's backing out of the deal. So he hatched a plan. He told the clones to 'become U2'.
On the night of December 31, 1999 - the turn of the millenium - several career criminals, hired and paid handsomely by Dr. Clone, kidnapped the four members of U2 and took them back to Dr. Clone's mansion in California. Dr. Clone locked them in the Panic room in his home, where they couldn't be heard or found. He sent each clone back to where their real counterpart had been. From that day forward, the clones were U2. And the clones, as U2, produced everything U2 that you have known since 2000. Yes, Principle Management and U2's producers, among others, were baffled when 'U2' scrapped the record they had and made a new one, 'All That You Can't Leave Behind' in 2000, but hey, if that's what U2 wants to do, that's what U2 wants to do. And so the clones were accepted as U2 without much questioning to speak of.
Skipping ahead now to 2005, as you know what 'U2' have done in the past five years.
The details of U2's time in captivity are scarce and are as follows: Dr. Clone provided food and drink to the band and, from time to time even music. Dr. Clone states that he never felt any need to torture or physically harm the band, that the only thing he ever felt the need to do was keep them away from society and away from being able to expose him. When his security guards entered the Panic room to serve U2 their food, the would cuff the band to the walls so as to avoid them trying to charge the guards and get out. When they finished eating, one guard would uncuff them while the other be standing ready to press the button to close and lock the door. This routine worked without flaw for over five years. Until one fateful night about a month ago.
According to various fragmented accounts, after the band had finished eating that night, and after they had been uncuffed, just as the one guard was about to close the door to the Panic room, the power to Dr. Clone's mansion went out. Panic rooms are supposed to be powerable even during power outages, but on this night the Panic room seemingly malfunctioned. Thus, the door couldn't be closed. U2 took advantage of this one-in-a-googleplex occurance and charged forward. Long-story short, a chase ensued and U2 eventually got to the LAPD and reported everything. Police weren't convinced until DNA tests were rushed and came back with the right results, while 'U2' were supposedly playing a gig in Europe that same night. The FBI was alerted and eventually Dr. Clone was arrested. Whether or not clones can be arrested is still a grey area. Furthermore, the FBI, after speaking/hassling Dr. Clone, has come to the conclusion that the clones must be 'disposed' of once and for all. With so much evidence piled against him, Dr. Clone was forced into a deal where he successfully 'disposes' of the clones in exchange for lesser charges. The clones were to confronted and taken into custody for 'disposal' in an ambush immediatly following the final show of the European leg of the current Vertigo Tour. That was two nights ago. The FBI won't say anything more about it except to simply confirm the 'disposal' was 'successful'. The third leg of the tour has been cancelled and the real U2 say they will release the 'Bulldozer' record from 1999 in due time. As for touring, they say it will happen eventually but 'not for a while'. They are, stated earlier in this article, staying in an undisclosed hotel near FBI headquarters for the purpose of being nearby to provide the FBI with information in its ongoing investigation. The band will not be allowed to leave there permanently until Dr. Clone AND the hired guns who kidnapped U2 five years ago have both been tried. And that's where it stands now.
As for the music 'U2' has made in the past five years, Edge has this to say, "All of the songs on both records are basically expansions of b-sides that were intended for our subsequent singles. We assume that they found the skeletal recordings of those songs in our studios and just sort of stretched them out and mixed them and put them out as records. That's what we think happened anyway."
As for what's next for the real U2?
Bono says, "We have to take it one day at a time right now, but eventually things will start to happen again."
U2 Kidnapped By Imposters
The FBI has announced that the band currently on tour as U2 is in fact nothing but a band of imposters. But this isn't just a case of a band pretending to be another band. This goes much, much further than that. Who are these imposters? Where has the real U2 been? How does it all tie together? Those questions and more will now be answered.
The real U2 has for the past month been splitting their time between FBI headquarters and living in a high-end luxury suite in a high-end hotel. The name and location of the hotel are being kept so secret that the FBI claims that not even the employees at this hotel know that the real U2 are there. Nor do we. Prior to the past month, the real U2 had been held captive in a Panic room in a mansion outside of Silicon Vally in California for over five years.
Whose mansion was it? Why were the real U2 there?
To fully understand what went on, what is going on, and how serious it all is, we must start at the beginning, in the summer of 1999. After releasing their first Best Of compilation in November of 1998, U2 had delved headfirst into the writing and recording of their then-new record. Their approach to this record was quite a bit different than what is commonly thought. The mixed reception of the previous record, 'Pop', and the Popmart Tour, didn't phase U2. In an interview conducted with the band in a top-secret location yesterday, the real Bono said
"That sort of lukewarm reaction we got to Pop and to Popmart, we didn't mind it at all. We've always had a certain attitude to making our music, one that says that we make the music we want to make in the way that we want to make it in, and we weren't gonna just abandon that because we only sold 6 million records instead of 10 million or whatever. That's not what we do."
Indeed, the band claims that they wanted to push the envelope even further than they ever had. The then-new record was to be entitled 'Bulldozer' and was to be very electronica-trip-hop-based yet also very four-guys-in-a-room minimalistic at the same time. Edge told us that the record would have been in a similar vein as Radiohead's 'Kid A', which wasn't released until the summer of 2000, a full year later. The tour that was to support 'Bulldozer' was to push the envelope even more than Popmart. In fact, it was the development of the tour that led to everything going wrong.
The tour was to be called 'Clonezone'. The concept: U2 would would employ visuals - aside from a giant LED screen ala Popmart and huge walls of mirrors - in the form of clones of themselves. Bono, Edge, Adam, and Larry would each have a clone. The vast majority of scientists say that human cloning is aways off and would be too dangerous at this point in time. But U2 found one man, a scientist who for legal reasons must remain unnamed, in California who was willing to help U2. We will call him Dr. Clone.
U2 were well aware that human cloning would be unwelcomed and unaccepted in today's society under most circumstances, but they truely believed that if they could pull this off, and have clones in their shows providing entertainment but remaining harmless, the world could be enticed to move towards the idea more quickly and less apprehensively. Dr. Clone swore to the band that he could clone humans, that despite what most scientists said, it could already be done. The two parties cut a deal. Dr. Clone preforms the cloning operation, U2 gives him 50% of the tour's profits, the clones would be 'disposed' of afterwards. U2 didn't how the 'disposal' would occur, nor were they responsible for it. Dr. Clone promised that he would take care of that part.
Unbeknownst to U2, Dr. Clone had an agenda of his own. He wanted to progress the science of human cloning and he needed a big stage in which to demonstrate it on. When he heard that U2 was in the market, he jumped at it. What bigger stage than a U2 tour would he ever have a chance at? He had, however, a lot at stake. The experiment had to be successful. The tour had to be successful. At any cost.
So, in November 1999, U2 and Dr. Clone met in California for the cloning itself. The details of how this was done are not known, and Dr. Clone is currently refusing to speak about the science and/or procedure of it. At first, the cloning appeared to have gone smoothly. But that didn't last long. To make a long story short, the Clones took over. Approximately one month after the cloning, U2 met with Dr. Clone to tell him they couldn't keep sufficient control of the clones, and were having second thoughts about doing their tour this way at all. Dr. Clone was incensed, beside himself. After arguing with the band for quite a while, he finally agreed to let the deal go and 'dispose' of the clones. The 'disposal' process is also being denied any kind of explanation by Dr. Clone. All that is known about the 'disposal' is that it never happened successfully. From what we gather, the clones displayed a far stronger human will than Dr. Clone had anticipated. They wouldn't allow themselves to be 'disposed'. Rather than upset Dr. Clone like it should have, it pleased him. It inspired him. He still wanted the U2 stage to show off his clones on. And he still believed he could get it despite U2's backing out of the deal. So he hatched a plan. He told the clones to 'become U2'.
On the night of December 31, 1999 - the turn of the millenium - several career criminals, hired and paid handsomely by Dr. Clone, kidnapped the four members of U2 and took them back to Dr. Clone's mansion in California. Dr. Clone locked them in the Panic room in his home, where they couldn't be heard or found. He sent each clone back to where their real counterpart had been. From that day forward, the clones were U2. And the clones, as U2, produced everything U2 that you have known since 2000. Yes, Principle Management and U2's producers, among others, were baffled when 'U2' scrapped the record they had and made a new one, 'All That You Can't Leave Behind' in 2000, but hey, if that's what U2 wants to do, that's what U2 wants to do. And so the clones were accepted as U2 without much questioning to speak of.
Skipping ahead now to 2005, as you know what 'U2' have done in the past five years.
The details of U2's time in captivity are scarce and are as follows: Dr. Clone provided food and drink to the band and, from time to time even music. Dr. Clone states that he never felt any need to torture or physically harm the band, that the only thing he ever felt the need to do was keep them away from society and away from being able to expose him. When his security guards entered the Panic room to serve U2 their food, the would cuff the band to the walls so as to avoid them trying to charge the guards and get out. When they finished eating, one guard would uncuff them while the other be standing ready to press the button to close and lock the door. This routine worked without flaw for over five years. Until one fateful night about a month ago.
According to various fragmented accounts, after the band had finished eating that night, and after they had been uncuffed, just as the one guard was about to close the door to the Panic room, the power to Dr. Clone's mansion went out. Panic rooms are supposed to be powerable even during power outages, but on this night the Panic room seemingly malfunctioned. Thus, the door couldn't be closed. U2 took advantage of this one-in-a-googleplex occurance and charged forward. Long-story short, a chase ensued and U2 eventually got to the LAPD and reported everything. Police weren't convinced until DNA tests were rushed and came back with the right results, while 'U2' were supposedly playing a gig in Europe that same night. The FBI was alerted and eventually Dr. Clone was arrested. Whether or not clones can be arrested is still a grey area. Furthermore, the FBI, after speaking/hassling Dr. Clone, has come to the conclusion that the clones must be 'disposed' of once and for all. With so much evidence piled against him, Dr. Clone was forced into a deal where he successfully 'disposes' of the clones in exchange for lesser charges. The clones were to confronted and taken into custody for 'disposal' in an ambush immediatly following the final show of the European leg of the current Vertigo Tour. That was two nights ago. The FBI won't say anything more about it except to simply confirm the 'disposal' was 'successful'. The third leg of the tour has been cancelled and the real U2 say they will release the 'Bulldozer' record from 1999 in due time. As for touring, they say it will happen eventually but 'not for a while'. They are, stated earlier in this article, staying in an undisclosed hotel near FBI headquarters for the purpose of being nearby to provide the FBI with information in its ongoing investigation. The band will not be allowed to leave there permanently until Dr. Clone AND the hired guns who kidnapped U2 five years ago have both been tried. And that's where it stands now.
As for the music 'U2' has made in the past five years, Edge has this to say, "All of the songs on both records are basically expansions of b-sides that were intended for our subsequent singles. We assume that they found the skeletal recordings of those songs in our studios and just sort of stretched them out and mixed them and put them out as records. That's what we think happened anyway."
As for what's next for the real U2?
Bono says, "We have to take it one day at a time right now, but eventually things will start to happen again."
Better than anything i could have though of
