?Lila? Are you home??
The voice was accompanied by a knock at my apartment door. I?d been sitting on my worn-out loveseat, flipping through a magazine that was a year old. I immediately knew who the owner of the voice was.
?Come in, Nate. It?s unlocked.?
The door swung open, and I threw the magazine on the floor. I laid back on the loveseat and closed my eyes.
?What the hell are you doing, leaving your door unlocked?? Nate asked. I pulled a cushion over my face, and he promptly yanked it out of my hands. ?Do you want to be abducted? Anybody could come walking in, for fuck?s sake.?
?Don?t swear at me.? I rolled over onto my stomach.
?I?m sorry.? Nate sat down on the floor next to the loveseat and looked at me. ?What did you do today??
?Nothing.?
?What did you do to yourself??
?What kind of a question is that?? I peeked at Nate out of the corner of my eye.
?Answer it.?
?Nothing.? I could tell by the look on his face that he did not believe me.
?Push up your sleeves,? Nate demanded.
?You can?t tell me what to do.? I thought that if I said that enough times I?d believe it, but it actually wasn?t true. Nate knew it too because he didn?t say anything. Reluctantly, I revealed the sliced skin on my arms.
?Jesus, Lila,? Nate said. ?You said you?d stop. You said you didn?t want to go back there. You promised me you?d stop.?
?I did stop.?
?Don?t lie!?
?If you?re just gonna come in here and yell at me, I don?t need it!? I got up off of the loveseat and went into the bathroom, slamming the door.
?I?m taking you to the hospital. You have to go back.?
?Make me!? I locked the door and sat in the tub, looking at the framed picture hanging above the toilet. It was a painting of a lighthouse, and the glass over it had been cracked during my last struggle with paramedics. I couldn?t stand to look at it. I yanked on the shower curtain until it fell and covered me, closing me off from my surroundings. Well, from everything except Nate?s voice, that is.
?Let me in!? Nate pounded on the door.
I settled back in the tub. I didn?t want to cry, but I didn?t know what else to do. I didn?t want to go back to the hospital. They didn?t help me. The medication didn?t help me. I?m still alive, so I must be doing something right. I don?t need help.
I gripped the shower curtain and tried to control the flow of tears so that I could compose myself to speak again.
?Nate??
I listened, but there was no response. The fear that he was on the phone with the hospital was enough to have me hurrying out of the tub and unlocking the bathroom door. The clicking sound as the button popped out was Nate?s cue, and he swiftly slid into the bathroom.
?What do you want to do?? Nate sat on the bathroom counter and looked at me.
?Nothing.?
?You can?t do nothing forever. You?re going to self-destruct.?
?I?m okay.? I chewed absentmindedly on my right thumbnail, a bad habit of mine.
?Do you honestly expect me to believe that? You know, you were supposed to be back at your job two days ago. You?re going to get fired. How will you pay for things??
?Sure, give me more things to worry about.? I took a step towards the door, but Nate grabbed my arm.
?I?m just being realistic! If you were really okay, you?d have at least gone back to work. You look like you haven?t even been showering!?
?I did. Yesterday.? I paused. ?Or maybe the day before.? I folded my arms across my chest and looked down at my bare feet. I happened to catch a glance of myself in the mirror, and I had to admit that my wavy brown hair was looking particularly gross.
?Lila, I don?t want you locked up again either. But I have an obligation and a desire to take care of you. I have to do what is best for you.?
?What?s best for me is to be left the hell alone. I can live my life just fine. It may seem messed up to everybody else, but it works for me. I don?t see what the problem is.? I began to gnaw on my thumbnail again, my gaze still fixed downwards.
?The problem is when a bunch of us find you passed out from taking too many fucking pills! You almost died! And you?re trying to tell me that you are living your life fine? Don?t try to feed me that because I?m not biting,? Nate seethed.
I pursed my lips and lifted my head, examining Nate. I confess, having Nate around was a blessing. At this point, most of my friends have ditched me. I realized I was close to losing what may be my last one.
?Nate, I?m working on it. I swear. If you make me go back, it will make me worse. You remember how awful it was. I was more miserable than ever when I was in that place.?
Nate sighed and scratched the side of his head. ?I just don?t know what to do with you. I don?t know what?s right.?
?Nobody ever does. There?s never a right answer.?
?Never??
?Never.?
I walked back into the living room and curled up on the loveseat again. Nate followed and perched himself on the edge of it.
?I promise to keep this stuff a secret if you promise to not do anything rash.? Nate looked down at me, and my eyes shifted until they met his.
?Okay.?
?No, you have to promise me,? Nate said sternly. ?If you do anything, and I hadn?t told anybody that I knew you were still having problems, I?d catch a lot of shit.?
My eyes narrowed. ?Oh, so it?s all about covering your ass, right?? I whipped a small cushion at him and buried my face into another.
?I didn?t mean it like that! I just mean that that would be a lot of guilt placed on me for having not gotten you help. I?d feel awful if anything happened to you.?
?It?s just all about you, isn?t it?? I sneered. ?You don?t really care about me. You just don?t want to be in the position where anybody could blame you if I did something to myself!?
?Fuck, Lila, that?s not what I mean!? Nate stood up abruptly and threw his hands up in the air. ?No matter what I say to you, it?s wrong!?
?Well, maybe you should stop thinking about yourself for a change!? I fired back.
?That?s it. I?ve had it.? Nate began to make his way for the door. ?I have fucking bent over backwards for you, and you don?t appreciate it. I should stop thinking of myself? Coming from the most self-centered person I?ve ever met, that is something else. I don?t care what the hell is wrong with you?it doesn?t give you the right to act like a total bitch!?
I quickly pulled myself up to sitting position and turned to look at Nate. ?How dare you say that to me after all I?ve been through lately. Give me a fucking break!?
?How about all that you?ve put us through? Give us a break! I?m tired of your drama, and I?m tired of your problems. You are so unappreciative, and you don?t even want to help yourself. Go do whatever the hell you want. There?s obviously nothing anybody can do for you!? With that, Nate left.
I drew my knees up to my chin and sat for awhile, thinking of this recent exchange of words. I didn?t know if he was right or if I was. At this point, it didn?t matter. I?d reached the conclusion that I was truly on my own. You really can?t count on anybody except yourself. That?s a scary thought, considering I don?t like or understand myself. I don?t know who I am anymore. I don?t even know if I ever was somebody to begin with.
~to be continued~
The voice was accompanied by a knock at my apartment door. I?d been sitting on my worn-out loveseat, flipping through a magazine that was a year old. I immediately knew who the owner of the voice was.
?Come in, Nate. It?s unlocked.?
The door swung open, and I threw the magazine on the floor. I laid back on the loveseat and closed my eyes.
?What the hell are you doing, leaving your door unlocked?? Nate asked. I pulled a cushion over my face, and he promptly yanked it out of my hands. ?Do you want to be abducted? Anybody could come walking in, for fuck?s sake.?
?Don?t swear at me.? I rolled over onto my stomach.
?I?m sorry.? Nate sat down on the floor next to the loveseat and looked at me. ?What did you do today??
?Nothing.?
?What did you do to yourself??
?What kind of a question is that?? I peeked at Nate out of the corner of my eye.
?Answer it.?
?Nothing.? I could tell by the look on his face that he did not believe me.
?Push up your sleeves,? Nate demanded.
?You can?t tell me what to do.? I thought that if I said that enough times I?d believe it, but it actually wasn?t true. Nate knew it too because he didn?t say anything. Reluctantly, I revealed the sliced skin on my arms.
?Jesus, Lila,? Nate said. ?You said you?d stop. You said you didn?t want to go back there. You promised me you?d stop.?
?I did stop.?
?Don?t lie!?
?If you?re just gonna come in here and yell at me, I don?t need it!? I got up off of the loveseat and went into the bathroom, slamming the door.
?I?m taking you to the hospital. You have to go back.?
?Make me!? I locked the door and sat in the tub, looking at the framed picture hanging above the toilet. It was a painting of a lighthouse, and the glass over it had been cracked during my last struggle with paramedics. I couldn?t stand to look at it. I yanked on the shower curtain until it fell and covered me, closing me off from my surroundings. Well, from everything except Nate?s voice, that is.
?Let me in!? Nate pounded on the door.
I settled back in the tub. I didn?t want to cry, but I didn?t know what else to do. I didn?t want to go back to the hospital. They didn?t help me. The medication didn?t help me. I?m still alive, so I must be doing something right. I don?t need help.
I gripped the shower curtain and tried to control the flow of tears so that I could compose myself to speak again.
?Nate??
I listened, but there was no response. The fear that he was on the phone with the hospital was enough to have me hurrying out of the tub and unlocking the bathroom door. The clicking sound as the button popped out was Nate?s cue, and he swiftly slid into the bathroom.
?What do you want to do?? Nate sat on the bathroom counter and looked at me.
?Nothing.?
?You can?t do nothing forever. You?re going to self-destruct.?
?I?m okay.? I chewed absentmindedly on my right thumbnail, a bad habit of mine.
?Do you honestly expect me to believe that? You know, you were supposed to be back at your job two days ago. You?re going to get fired. How will you pay for things??
?Sure, give me more things to worry about.? I took a step towards the door, but Nate grabbed my arm.
?I?m just being realistic! If you were really okay, you?d have at least gone back to work. You look like you haven?t even been showering!?
?I did. Yesterday.? I paused. ?Or maybe the day before.? I folded my arms across my chest and looked down at my bare feet. I happened to catch a glance of myself in the mirror, and I had to admit that my wavy brown hair was looking particularly gross.
?Lila, I don?t want you locked up again either. But I have an obligation and a desire to take care of you. I have to do what is best for you.?
?What?s best for me is to be left the hell alone. I can live my life just fine. It may seem messed up to everybody else, but it works for me. I don?t see what the problem is.? I began to gnaw on my thumbnail again, my gaze still fixed downwards.
?The problem is when a bunch of us find you passed out from taking too many fucking pills! You almost died! And you?re trying to tell me that you are living your life fine? Don?t try to feed me that because I?m not biting,? Nate seethed.
I pursed my lips and lifted my head, examining Nate. I confess, having Nate around was a blessing. At this point, most of my friends have ditched me. I realized I was close to losing what may be my last one.
?Nate, I?m working on it. I swear. If you make me go back, it will make me worse. You remember how awful it was. I was more miserable than ever when I was in that place.?
Nate sighed and scratched the side of his head. ?I just don?t know what to do with you. I don?t know what?s right.?
?Nobody ever does. There?s never a right answer.?
?Never??
?Never.?
I walked back into the living room and curled up on the loveseat again. Nate followed and perched himself on the edge of it.
?I promise to keep this stuff a secret if you promise to not do anything rash.? Nate looked down at me, and my eyes shifted until they met his.
?Okay.?
?No, you have to promise me,? Nate said sternly. ?If you do anything, and I hadn?t told anybody that I knew you were still having problems, I?d catch a lot of shit.?
My eyes narrowed. ?Oh, so it?s all about covering your ass, right?? I whipped a small cushion at him and buried my face into another.
?I didn?t mean it like that! I just mean that that would be a lot of guilt placed on me for having not gotten you help. I?d feel awful if anything happened to you.?
?It?s just all about you, isn?t it?? I sneered. ?You don?t really care about me. You just don?t want to be in the position where anybody could blame you if I did something to myself!?
?Fuck, Lila, that?s not what I mean!? Nate stood up abruptly and threw his hands up in the air. ?No matter what I say to you, it?s wrong!?
?Well, maybe you should stop thinking about yourself for a change!? I fired back.
?That?s it. I?ve had it.? Nate began to make his way for the door. ?I have fucking bent over backwards for you, and you don?t appreciate it. I should stop thinking of myself? Coming from the most self-centered person I?ve ever met, that is something else. I don?t care what the hell is wrong with you?it doesn?t give you the right to act like a total bitch!?
I quickly pulled myself up to sitting position and turned to look at Nate. ?How dare you say that to me after all I?ve been through lately. Give me a fucking break!?
?How about all that you?ve put us through? Give us a break! I?m tired of your drama, and I?m tired of your problems. You are so unappreciative, and you don?t even want to help yourself. Go do whatever the hell you want. There?s obviously nothing anybody can do for you!? With that, Nate left.
I drew my knees up to my chin and sat for awhile, thinking of this recent exchange of words. I didn?t know if he was right or if I was. At this point, it didn?t matter. I?d reached the conclusion that I was truly on my own. You really can?t count on anybody except yourself. That?s a scary thought, considering I don?t like or understand myself. I don?t know who I am anymore. I don?t even know if I ever was somebody to begin with.
~to be continued~