unforgettableFOXfire
I serve MacPhisto
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2001
- Messages
- 2,053
So yeah, Ive been having a rough go of it for the past couple months. My depression was gone, was being the keyword there. However, certain sensitivities of mine have been negatively aggrevated, and I was promised by everyone that university would mark the begining of new and good things.
In some ways it has. For instance, my parents arent on my ass for being up in the wee hours of the morning because I cant sleep, or choose not to sleep, or am on the computer musing my being. I really hated highschool, and university has been awesome in that its nothing like highschool whatsoever. However, university has isolated me from anyone and everyone. I dont see any of my friends anymore, ever, even though they go to the same place. Ive made all of two new friends at university, one of whom I dont see at all, the other who I see tuesdays and thursdays only and whos always running off to see her boyfriend - so, logistically, Ive really not made any friends at all since nobody talks to me, and if they do its a one conversation deal and then they exercise their ability to disappear. So, where does that leave me? Spending all my time on the bus, doing schoolwork, or trying to find ways to pass the time by myself. If total isolation is one of these new and good things, give me back the bad times.
To compound matters, Ive tried to involve myself in extra curricular activities. However, history club meets on thursdays (when i have scouts). Kung fu has just been cancelled, and otherwise their private and expensive meetings are also held on thursdays (when I have scouts). So, now I need to get my money back from that, and have lost yet another outlet for personal frustrations, a place to meet people, and to continue down that path of selfdevelopment. Additionally, philosophy club hasnt set any meeting dates at all, perhaps due to lack of interest.
I have no job, no job prospects, and the places I applied to have not responded to me at all yet.
So, no friends, no job, no money, no social outlet, no means of personal selfimprovement that I can afford/have time for, oodles of homework that Im not altogether sure why Im paying $4000 for other than 'its necessary', and really no source of happiness or even recreation. On the plus side, I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and passably decent health. I have life to live for, but nothing in that life to make it worth living - if that makes any sense whatsoever.
I especially have no best friends or anyone I can trust to tell anything, and I dare not say some of the things I think in any public journal or forum. Truly, Im stuck in a box.
I dont know how to get out of said box, but I want out. No man is a selfsustaining rock/island (read: Simon & Garfunkel, I am a rock, I am an island - satire). I cannot live like this, its sliding me further and further downhill... Im really quite tired of my life, even if it could be worse - but hey, things could always be worse, thats what a relative term like 'worse' is all about.
I do good things, I volunteer, I help people, Im polite, I have strong well-grounded convictions, Im not malicious to anyone, I dont wish harm upon anyone, I put others before myself... and yet when it comes to the matter of me - i have nothing. No happiness, no good feelings of "doing the right thing", no feelings like other people value me, no feelings that Im making a difference, no feelings of anything, no reward of any sort - and thats fine, Im not in it for the reward. However, it would be nice to have a little respect from others, have others return the favour and do/say nice things for/to me. I can only give so much. Im totally drained. I feel no love, I feel no comfort, no distinct 'homeness' that I actually belong somewhere, I dont feel valued in any way whatsoever. It makes me wonder why bother, wouldnt it just be easier to be the same asshole that splashes people with his car when its raining, or checks to see if someone is coming behind him when he opens a door and then makes all efforts to make sure it doesnt stay open for them, or the person who cuts line, the person who uses others only for personal gain just because he can.
What I want to know is, how I deserve this. Why is it that I feel nothing but miserable. Why is it that people all around me have happy little niches and Im stuck on the outside.
I shouldnt feel compelled to come into a public forum wtih my problems once every two weeks and complain because I have nowhere else to go with it.
Im so sick of everything.
In some ways it has. For instance, my parents arent on my ass for being up in the wee hours of the morning because I cant sleep, or choose not to sleep, or am on the computer musing my being. I really hated highschool, and university has been awesome in that its nothing like highschool whatsoever. However, university has isolated me from anyone and everyone. I dont see any of my friends anymore, ever, even though they go to the same place. Ive made all of two new friends at university, one of whom I dont see at all, the other who I see tuesdays and thursdays only and whos always running off to see her boyfriend - so, logistically, Ive really not made any friends at all since nobody talks to me, and if they do its a one conversation deal and then they exercise their ability to disappear. So, where does that leave me? Spending all my time on the bus, doing schoolwork, or trying to find ways to pass the time by myself. If total isolation is one of these new and good things, give me back the bad times.
To compound matters, Ive tried to involve myself in extra curricular activities. However, history club meets on thursdays (when i have scouts). Kung fu has just been cancelled, and otherwise their private and expensive meetings are also held on thursdays (when I have scouts). So, now I need to get my money back from that, and have lost yet another outlet for personal frustrations, a place to meet people, and to continue down that path of selfdevelopment. Additionally, philosophy club hasnt set any meeting dates at all, perhaps due to lack of interest.
I have no job, no job prospects, and the places I applied to have not responded to me at all yet.
So, no friends, no job, no money, no social outlet, no means of personal selfimprovement that I can afford/have time for, oodles of homework that Im not altogether sure why Im paying $4000 for other than 'its necessary', and really no source of happiness or even recreation. On the plus side, I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and passably decent health. I have life to live for, but nothing in that life to make it worth living - if that makes any sense whatsoever.
I especially have no best friends or anyone I can trust to tell anything, and I dare not say some of the things I think in any public journal or forum. Truly, Im stuck in a box.
I dont know how to get out of said box, but I want out. No man is a selfsustaining rock/island (read: Simon & Garfunkel, I am a rock, I am an island - satire). I cannot live like this, its sliding me further and further downhill... Im really quite tired of my life, even if it could be worse - but hey, things could always be worse, thats what a relative term like 'worse' is all about.
I do good things, I volunteer, I help people, Im polite, I have strong well-grounded convictions, Im not malicious to anyone, I dont wish harm upon anyone, I put others before myself... and yet when it comes to the matter of me - i have nothing. No happiness, no good feelings of "doing the right thing", no feelings like other people value me, no feelings that Im making a difference, no feelings of anything, no reward of any sort - and thats fine, Im not in it for the reward. However, it would be nice to have a little respect from others, have others return the favour and do/say nice things for/to me. I can only give so much. Im totally drained. I feel no love, I feel no comfort, no distinct 'homeness' that I actually belong somewhere, I dont feel valued in any way whatsoever. It makes me wonder why bother, wouldnt it just be easier to be the same asshole that splashes people with his car when its raining, or checks to see if someone is coming behind him when he opens a door and then makes all efforts to make sure it doesnt stay open for them, or the person who cuts line, the person who uses others only for personal gain just because he can.
What I want to know is, how I deserve this. Why is it that I feel nothing but miserable. Why is it that people all around me have happy little niches and Im stuck on the outside.
I shouldnt feel compelled to come into a public forum wtih my problems once every two weeks and complain because I have nowhere else to go with it.
Im so sick of everything.