FH's thread - I'll write more over time

[For Honor]

...ugh

I haven't been online in a week, and I don't know how much more until so.


I've had some time to look over a lot of things, especially in another ...way....

ANd I realize that there is the horrible... distance...


Between what I have written and what the reality of the situation is. It's hard to explain, but... I feel like a lot of what I have written is wrong. Not so much here, but actually, yes, very many things here, I am sure.



IT's an interesting time, interesting week...





ALl I know is... whenever I get back, I will have a lot to write about...



...Until next time...

(PS: I looked at some of the other new material, and it's a pleasant sight. But I onl;y have one post to spare, and I shouldn't even be writing it now, posting through the "schools cpu system")

so be it...

 

[wizard2c]

reply

Excellent writings.

If love were just a possession of the soul
there will be no place for unhappiness
there will be no hurt
deception of two hearts would not exist....
but it is not reality....
only the images of love dreamt.

carol
wizard2c

 

[For Honor]

THat was really good, Carol.

----------------------------



I have many things on my mind, and this might turn into a late night because of that. I might write a lot. I also remember I left serverall "notes" for myself here in these pages, and I think it might be a good time to take care of all my loose ends...

So many things, so many things.
But still there is that unflappable sense of the moment that catches me, and I am thankful for it. It is best not to be distracted, not to be too needy...


...So many things to write about

 

[For Honor]

Open palm and closed hand

 

[For Honor]

DRAT......

alright..... I will take my shower first, quickly, and THEN procede onwards towards my icecream!

I can't write yet, bu tit is coming..... yes..... it is coming..... it might be a late night for writing.........................

Providing my icecream cashe will hold out... it is a new box of Stewart's Choclate Icecream.

The best in all the land, because it has been consistent, and I've liked it for as long as I've liked icecream, baby,


and that sort of longevity sure makes me smile. THings that last =


I will have to write something about icecream, I believe.......

mmmmm.....

 

[For Honor]

oh damn, ab\ndf bout this too

"sociology""

anmd all hat I cna't leave behind - I ran outof ths house without wallet, etc.......

notes for later on

 

[For Honor]

Since my cat has claimed my lap...... the icecream will wait.......


------

The unexpected revealed what I needed



"So what's it gonna be like today"
The same question everymorning
Some comment about the weather...

I linger in the shower, just because

Yet when I get out I don''t notice the time
I just eat my turkey sandwich, and think about the ham and eggs
That had substituted for...
6:30 - I should be out the door....

But the time passes, and I don't have my shoes
I don't have my jacket, I've got no time to lose.

It's already too late, as I watch the bus go past
And I jog to it with my belt buckle unclasped
So when I sit on the seat
I look at my feet
And tie some loose ends at last.


I didn't have time for my wallet, nor my shoes to tie
I left my lip balm, my gum, my keys, all inside
I left my colongne, my watch, my necklace too
I left my possesions....

But I realize now that I never used them anyway

I realize now (I can't write for crap right now)




Ah... I just wanted to say that today was a day that I realize I need very little to be happy.


I don't need love, I don't need money, friends, soccial interaction, peer acceptance, to do well in the eyes of others...

There is nothing I need.


I've got my water, and it tastes great.
Perhaps I will have a roll later on...

 

[For Honor]

Yet I wonder if that is all false, and perahsp this too is just another emotional tidal snapshot...

it is easy for me to say such things now......
I have (though more subconscious than actually derriving joy from it...) a stable future, I know where I am going to spend the next 4 years of my life.

That in and of itself, even if it is merely subconscious perception and acknowledgement, is powerful.... for I crave stablity. Also, it is towards the end of the year, and though finals are due, I have a lax attitude towards school at the moment. No major family things. No relationships to concern myself with. No worries
So it is "easy" to be happy.....


But at the same time... There is nothing wrong with that. I should embrace the change of times, this changing tide.....

because my "love lasts forever". And I certainly love myself... But let's not put that word, notion, into this othwise secular post......

 

[For Honor]

Icecream


Oh, you wonderful item
You are so pure, so strong!
I will always remeber you...

Stewart's Chocolate
The best there ever was
It is so simple, yet not unlike a mountain from the earth

It is just there, yet is it no less grand for simply being?


The steadfast, a staple
A real conerstone in my diet
Like all things, it comes and goes with the tide
Yet....

It has always come back to me, over all these years
It is one of the few things that has been whereever I have been
And for that..... it is special to me

It has been a bridge between all distances...
Between space and time, past and present
Between youth, and the advancement of.

So behold,
the transendental icecream...


The videogames I've played
The Final Fantasies... it's been there
The late night converstations with my dad
The escapes with Zack and Sue and others
The coming home to it on a hot summer day
The delicious delight of icecream while taking a warm bath... in winter
Icecream in winter, period!

I have no special infatuation with the food, for I can't really stand much fat for too long, otherwise I actually get ill...

But it is such an item to celebrate...


Behold, the trancendental icecream,
a hallmark, a timepeice, a memory
something I can respect, and a tradition


a tradition I hope to keep....

 

[For Honor]

From "Jade Empire"
The way of the Open Palm
The way of the Closed Fist



Yin-Yang thing (thang)
I bring my hands together
When I enter the room
My father's school...

"Basically,
"It's peace over war"
He said to me before

And now the adaptation
From then to now
the connection-
The alteration?

The Closed Fist
Evil? No, just "selfish"
Without concern for others
Strength and cunning are the only way
and that is not false...

The Closed Fist
Everyone should heed
to their personal responsiblity
and let others do as others should
their persoanl resonsibility
the dieing man is to die
the poor man is poor
who am I to say otherwise?
It is not up to me to decide
who lives and who dies
It is not up to me to decide
who's path I cross...

The Open Palm
The way of saints... eh...
The high road, perhaps
But even the prettiest face, and most noble of heart
Does not forsake the devil that may lurk within.

The Open Palm
Virtue...
Virtue is as Virtue does...
But helping others requires more effort
It is much easier not to care, isn't it?
Sacrifice, concern, martydom
Didn't Jesus die for us?
Give your only son for the rest of the world to live,
and not suffer...
There is an inherent gravity that draws all to such things
But who am I to say who live or die?
I will do what I can for those within my reach
Who am I to look the other way
To watch them suffer
It is not up to me whose path I cross
Only how I deal with them, how I can help them become better
And hopefully that will carry on, and others will be helped
Or perhaps they will be kind to me?

......

The Closed Fist
You evil bastard
You seek blood and death
You would kill for a dime
And rape for less
You take and take and take and take
(I take and take and take and take)
I don't care;
What are you going to do about it?
You can't defend yourself,
You can't defend yourself from the consequences, then
I have the power to take and restore life
And yours is mine for the taking
If you can't beat me, then there is only one option
Submit to my will
Do as I say
We live by simple rules, friend
It's nothing personal
I use my power the challange your own
And soon enough, you'' be gone
Your money is mine
your wife is old, but...
Your daughters are FINE
I will kill you quickly
Your head will be severed
One stroke of the blade
One notch in my belt
And the screams come to me
And I smile
Because it's just that simple
I'm no devil
I'm just a player in this life
And unlike your wife
I will not cry for you
Because I would never allow
Someone to cry for me


The Open Palm
(I am the devil)
I am your savior, though
I come to you with graces
with smiles
with fine places, and fine wine
I offer you the purest heart
The noble mind, who seeks peace
I will help you, though I expect some in return
I will gain your trust, and I will be delighted
When you raise me on high, and make me king
Invite me into your home
Offer me your wine
Ask me to marry your daugher, because of my nobility
///I help the dieing man, bread for another day
///I refuse the natural way
///My bleeding heart must not be hurt
///For I could not bear to desert
///A soul within my reach
///I could not allow someone do hurt themselves, or others
And what does it matter if it's not my business?
It is all my business
I am here to make things better
I will colonize the ancient civilization
I will make them better, smarter, westerned
I will set up missionaries, I will slaugheter them with capitalism
Did I say slaughter? I didn't mean that...
I am your savior
Can't you see my shining robes?
My wonderous words?
...So invite me into your home
....introduce me to your wife, to your daugher
....tell my your secrets - I'm your preist, you worship me
....Your daugher has a fiancee?
....I think he might be called to duty soon
....Oh, you didn't know I was a General?
....I have four horses, you know
....The white one is the best, because when people ask me about it
....I'm too high for them to see...
....I'm too hight for them to understand that they shouldn't be looking up
....But behind them
....And I feel so compelled now, because it is already sealed
....Her fiancee is gone, and I'm in your head
....You listen to everything I've said
....So let me tell you, before you die
...."It will come to you as a friend
...."It will become your friend
...."It will be held on high
...."It will be of purity and untainted glory
...."It is everything that is magnificent
...."Because it is everything that you desire
...."Yet you accept the lie, because...
...."..............................."

I stop, and watch you there... your face pained
You ate it all up
It tasted so good, you even asked me for more
You invited me to come again
And now you're sagging towards the floor...
You cannot talk?
That's a pity
I heard you say
I've got the keys to the city....
You're daugher sure is pretty
You'll never know of the poison, though
You'll nevere understand
It wasn't a vile concoction

It was simply deception of man





The Conclusion
"In every bit of white, there is some black
"In every bit of black, there is some white"
One cannot exist without the other
The truth is they are one
There is no good, nor evil
It's all a state of mind
A knife can be used to cut bread
To slaugher pigs
To open mail
To spread butter
To make rope
To cut throat
To represent value
To make blood flow


Man, and more so the mind, is no different than any other tool


----

that's why purpose is so important to me
Even if the results are flawed, and latent consequnces are brutal... I think the effort is what matters most.

BUt even then, there is no right or wrong I realize.
Defending is attacking still, and so to can one attack to defend.

 

[For Honor]

The Paradox:

It is at the same time Magnificent yet depressing that there is no actual good to strive for, and no evil to try and overcome. That is the essence of balance itself, I suppose....

So now when I think about what really matters.....
I am not sure what to say.


I am again reminded of courching tiger hidden dragon


"can you not feel my hand, is this not real?" she said...
Yet is it all an illusion.....?

Is love the best thing to stirve for?
Or is that irrelevant, too.....

I suppose it doesn't matter what the asnwer, is, really.


I guess that the human experience, though, is best felt in the course of seeking a goal, an adventure and quest of sorts. Whether to love or not is irrelevant, but if you are, and you like it, then pursuing it will yeild great action. Perhaps that's what it's all about anyways... Emotions and intentions are simply illusions created to entice us to keep living and keep the energy flowing...

 

[For Honor]

So what is there to do, really....?

I feel very Zen about this.....
I think Zen indicates that you should just play your station, play your role. Right now, I am a student, and a son, so I should do what is within my extent. In college, a profession will appeal to me, and I should follow that.

I suppose I should let instict guide me.



It is interesting to consider, now, the huge societal influence....
That need to be successful and beautiful...
it seems so irrelevant right now
I could go live on a farm and be happy
Go to China or Japan maybe
I don't know...


I've got to find some people I aggree with philosophically, at least.....

Well, I don't "have to".... but if I am going to go the road of interaction, I would like that. But then again, it doesnt matter, does it?


So what if people don't understand me, or I them?
Is that Closed Fist?
I am not sure what the answer is, and I am not sure it matters...



Actually, I wonder what really matters at all right now?



I have some insecurites that can create desires; stability, love, etc. BUt are those real, and what is desire anyway?



and I know tomorrow in school, I will be bombarded with emotional interatcion, jealousy, competition, inadequacy, superiorty, popularity, beauty, sex......

But right now, I think I can see things failry clearly......


Or is this just subject to change like all other things?
I hope, at least, this can guide me, what I have written here tonight....

 

[For Honor]

My old sentiment is,

after you discover the irrelevance of it all, you still have to decide what you want to do. You still have to make choices, and even inaction is a choice.


So I basically confirmed a prior belief...
Just..... I've done so indepth.


I think the irrelevane must be accepted, and then the valor comes from still trying to do something anways.


I, especially at the moment, could be content with simply doing very little with my life. But I know that that would be odd, since I have ingrained aspirations and ambitions for marriage, carreer, life, etc.

So there is still a desire..............



Perhaps this is what was meant by "Fixed point detachment" or something like that. I'll have to find that old book my unlce gave me.....


And somewhere in the mix, there is a desire, perhaps ambition, to have an impact on the world, and to do something for the greater good..... To be a "Hero", heh....

......

 

[For Honor]

Wow.... it has been an intense few hours..... writing this here, and dealing with friends.........


Lots more to write about!!!

But I really like what I did with the "Open Palm/Closed Fist"


I think I write better that way.... as sort of essay in a short story form. Is that like prose? It sorta reminds me of the Aeneid, which we're reading in Latin.... hmm......

I don't know.

All I know is, I'm tired, and I have to wake up in 2 hhours and go to school So be it, though.

It has been greatly worth it to me...... And besides




I"M accepted at a great college, and I am doing well enough in 4th quater! That is reason to be happy, right?

and I never get happy, so, this is actually rare......


Goodnight

 

[For Honor]

you'll have to fogive all my spelling errors- I was power writing...



And daughter is spelt "daughter"... I just happened leave out the 't'


it was for ....um.......... lyrical purposes, you know?
you know what I mean??

 

[For Honor]

Here I am again on a Thursday night, big project due tomorrow yet all I want is to write
Star wars tomorrow too?
I'd love to have the day off...
Have a lay off...


...Lay with her in the land of blankets
Licking lips and body banquets
All day long, forever, forever...

The damn moon, pearl of the night
It makes me wonder and it makes me die
Die all over again, because I loved her.

Because I love her?

 

[For Honor]

It's so hard not knowing, not being able to see or feel
Not being able to sense
read reactions....

I can't tell if it's true
and all I have is hope
and I hope for something impossible

And I hope because I can't
... I can't forget
I can't stop trying

trying to figure out how to make it work

 

[For Honor]

The Damn pearl, the bastard pearl
(the pearl of my love)




"I've been thinking of you a lot lately"

As if that weren't enough
It's just like the damn song
The damn pearl in the sky...

At night is the worst, because there is no distance
No distance between my desire and myself
No distractions

No distance....
Hah
....distance is the problem...

There is no distance from the pain
Because it always follows
It is always waiting for thos fools who love

And I don't love her
I just think I do
Because I don't know what else it is

I don't know anything
I just can't deny the pain
Or the joy from thinking about her

And all the things I want to do with her
all of them
all of them...

The ones that hurt most
Are the ones that matter most
And the ones that matter are the ones that I can't control

So everytime it happens
-The bastard pearl stirs me-
I can't control it anymore

It's not so bad right now, but I'm worried
I'm worried about it all again
Because I know the wound will never heal...


Because my love lasts forever

 

[For Honor]

I'm so tired....

So many miles before I sleep, though....

So many promises.... does one matter, though?
You know the one I mean
You know it....


I will go read my articles... but I'm sure I won't last
I'll think about her
I'll fall asleep
And I won't dream.....



I don't have dreams anymore...



I can still remeber that damn dream
the two rings
the face I didn't see

I wonder if she was lieing to me.............


But I don't have dreams anymore
I think that is due to my capacity being full
I have one dream far to big for any others

I only want one
I only want one
I only want one

But is it a false?
A fake?
Is it real?

I don't know
But I only want one
I only want one


......I don't have dreams anymore.....

 

[For Honor]

I don't have dreams anymore.....
and I play the victim now, but so it is
But it is awful

Because I can't dream at night
but all day long I feel the pain
And I have no relief

She can't ease it
and I can't stop the pain
I just try to bleed it out

I don't have dreams anymore
Because my mind is always working on something
And whether I think about it or not...

I'm just trying to stop the pain

(deja vu? I've written that before, right???)

I'm just trying to stop the pain.


All day long, I'm working on something
but it's always there, I just avoid it
An dnow it comes back, with teh damn moon

"harvest moon" - it all lstarte there.
The game, and my damn poem...
and now this, and now this

what did I write?
I draw it like I child
and that's how I see it too?

Dammit.......
maybe....
tomorrow won't be so bad

maybe it won't affect me so much anymore
maybe if I keep myself busy
keep myself surronded

so that I iwon't be alone
so that the pain won't come
so that it won't have desire to follow any more

It hurts so much..
but it is my damn fault anyways...
...........

But she can't ease it
and I can't stop the pain
so I just let it bleed


After a while, it all feels the same anyways...
until, of course, the bastard moon comes again


I hate it because I love it
because it makes me remeber....

 

[For Honor]

she keeps me up even now
and I can't hold her
I can't see her
I can't touch her
I can't hear her
I can't taste her
I can't smell her
I can't l- -

Can I love her?
I don't know.....

But she keeps me up even now

I can't see her
hear her
touch her
and I never have

yet how do I love her
when I have never loved another before?


All these questions
and the bastard moon
...my best friend

torment me again
please, go ahead
such is my way....

This is all such as waste, isn't it?
Lameting and writing my pities?
How pathetic....

But it is so real , so real what I feel....
But how can I feel it, and not touch it?
How can I believe it and not see it?
How can I dream it and not know it?

How
why
who
what
where




..........when??

 

[For Honor]

NOthing makes me write like she does
nothing makes me sing like she does

"can you hear me when I sing?
you're the reason I sing"

can you see me write?
You are the reason I write

you and you only
It breaks me and makes me
to know it is you and you only

no one else....
that's why I am friends with the bastard moon






because .... sometimes.....
a dream is the best I can get
the only thing I can manage, it's all I can have no matter what

all I have is your dream


it brings out my tears because the pain is so real
even if it is not a reality
but isn't reality only what you feel, what you see?


but why is it that she is the only one who has captivated me so..... why is she the only one? Why is it her? Why?




Why is it her?



Why is it her?






I so long for her to wait for me
and also to wait for me
so i can go to bed
and wake up with her next to me

so why is it her?
and no one else?


I....... I can't explain it.......
...........I really don't have an answer, and it's bothering me.......


I know what I want, but I don't know why
Is it just the hurt?


Or is it something...... .........something in the sky

 

[For Honor]

GALLANT ...........preface

GALLANT

Preface, Introduction, Things of that nature...

This would have to be the main theme, opening theme...
mms://63.208.0.55/7/423/8384/3b858b51/mtvrdstr.download.akamai.com/8512/wmp/3/120/693_1_5_05.asf

Drowning man, of course.


Alright, here is the deal. I am going to be trying something a little different here. I don't know what it is or even if it has lasting implications, but for whatever the reason, it seems like a good idea right now. I have never enjoyed writing longer things, but maybe this one will work out. I, at the momet, see this as an ongoig series. I don't know if it will contain prose or poems or essays or whatever. But I will (attempt to) develope a few characters or whatever, a plot perhaps, storyline, I don't know. Perhaps what I am really trying to do is act out things I see or experience in life in a much more....... glorified? way. I don't know. I honestly am just as in the dark as you are about where this may go.



But I will keep the same heading for all my posts/entries/etc regarding this topic. One other thing I am planning on doing - if I can find a link to a music that would be fitting, or an image, then I will put it up here somehow, though it may be done crudely, and perhaps rudely. I don't know, this just seems like a big experiment for me, so it should be fun.



Drowning Man is the song, because it has so many implications for me. It also smacks of an epic tale, and it even works well with the title, GALLANT. GALLANT came to me today, and Drowning man has been inthe mix for a long long time, but now perhaps this union will produce something.


For the deeper, calmer, more sedate moments, this version of Drowning man will be implemented:

http://www.geocities.com/coolsponsors/?200526?20055






I don't know what more to say. I will probably have lots of additions to even this "introduction" of sorts. But so be it. It is a massive unknown, project, mystery, and it may not last more than a few posts for all I know...

 

[For Honor]

GALLANT: a prelude

GALLANT

Prelude of quotes

(note: Theses are in no special order. All quotes are separate unless followed back to back with no line break)



"How long has it been?"

"Are these the same stars...?"

"She is no ordinary princess"

"Yes... tell me about this "distance" of which you speak"

"Why is it her?"

"So this is all theory, this is all speculation on your part? How can you base so much on so little?"

"But who will look after you, who will take care of you?"

"...I've been thinking about you..."

"It is so bright.... It is so bright...."

"The problem is, I've spoken too much about my past in the past. There really is no point in bringing it up again, and I have already told you too much... more than you need to know"

"Sir...? Are you alright?"

"It is a if you are a master composer... well, no, not a master composer, but more a.... a musician. And you see someone who just doesn't know how to play. It sort of makes it very compelling to show them how to play, to "help them" if you will. Not out of altruism, nor out of self righteousness, but I won't rule either out completely. It's more.... more like you just want to set things as they should be..."

"So you cannot take suffering?"

" 'Why do you say this to me? Why do you do this to me?' - but I can never say it to her. I can never seem to do it"

"The prophecy?"

"So tell me again what your books say - was it to the sound of 'But he will find her smile absolutely disarming' ?"

"What do you think about love? Selfless love..."

"Only fools bother with such romantic thoughts"

"I... I can't describe it. She just... I can't even look at her anymore. Her ways are too much for me"

"You know, I don't know if it is your pride or your ambition that will do you in. You seem to have a knack for... the exceptional..."

"Don't use those words on me"

"Wouldn't you want someone who would let you do whatever you wanted?"

"I.... I can't hide this much longer... Please, do not make this harder"

"I've had enough illusions in my life already. What did I say years ago? It's still so true... 'Odin gave up his eye for knowledge... I'm afraid my heart has been the forfeit instead' "

"Your words do so much to me... You don't understand..."
"But I'm not trying to do anything!"
"I know... that's why they...."

"For Honor"




GALLANT

a prelude (part I)

 

[For Honor]

GALLANT: more prelude

GALLANT

Prelude of quotes (II)

"You know, you really do have a problem with it. You don't see acurately how others think of you. Your self regard is off."
"I know... It seems to take me a long time to see things properly."
"It is ironic, because you see other things so well, you have wonderful insight.
"It's a blessing and a curse, I suppose"


"It would be so easy to just go off on an adventure. Seldom are there times in life when a goal is so specific. There are many options always, yet there are ......."

"So you want an adventure? Well good, that is what is in store for us all"

"What's wrong?"

"Why are you.... doing this for me?"
"Can't someone be nice to you?"
"That's not what I -"
"You don't accept kindness very well. I wonder why"

"Don't forget your duty. That is why your are here. Your responsibility, reliability, wit... all of those things. That is why you are here. It is all for a very important reason. Do not forget this."

"Are you a knight? A general? What are you?"

"My knight in shining armour"

"My daughter should not carry on like some common whore. Those who step out of their station face appropriate consequences. Do not forget that your are a part of something greater than yourself."

"I should go..."
"No..... I want you stay"
"............"

"It's not fair.... when you look at me like that..."

"I almost wish you were wounded... Something to prevent you from going on again. But you are enough already. And you know it, too. You are aware. You are wounded. I can see it in your eyes, and hear it in your voice."

"But what do you want in all this? Why are you acting this way towards me. Why....."


"I.... I just want you to hold me. You are not the only one who is alone"






GALLANT

Prelude of quotes (II)

 

[For Honor]

Anotehr "series" or collection of works with a common theme:

Since I've been 18

This collection is pretty straightforward - a lot of things have been going on in this transition from childhood to adult, but really, this is all about what has happened since my 18th birthday (may 6), so it is quite literal. They are the concepts and philosophies derieved and manifested within the time between then (Friday, may 6, 2005) and the present day.



Since I've been 18

"The Decision Maker" (They look up to me)




So it is

So this is what I am to be
I am to accept my destiny


Choices are distinclty two
Choose or not
That is one choice, yes
But that is the choice
To choose or not

I see now it is all up to me
What to think
Where to go
What to do
when and how
It is all a decision to be made

I didn't realize it
I was humble, scared too
Yet it is
Yet it is
And so it is...


They are waiting for me
It is mine to be made
It is the decision
It is my decision

And I am the decision maker



All my years I thought it was not for me to decide
I was right and wrong
But now, it is my time.
When they ask me, I will be ready.
It is now......

my responsibility

 

[For Honor]

Since I've been 18

BAD RELATIONSHIPS -part I-
(one more thing I am wary of)



Another form of torture...

One more thorn in my side
One more stone set in their eyes
One more bullet in the blue sky
One more selfish summer night
One more tainted winter light
One more wasted dollar bill
One more pathetic needle chill
One more day waiting for night
One more sad and sorry sight

One more heart turned to stone
One more thing I should have known
One more heart I that watch break
One more heart I try to forsake





One more barb on the wire
One more empty beach (With no oysters and no pearls)
One more betrayal
One more shot
One more sky
One more life...


No more Pride

 

[For Honor]

Cicero would kick my ass


Cicero would kick my ass
Because I write when I should do
Unlike he
Who writes only when he cannot act

So I apologize, and note that this is all coming at a cost
My own cost
But perhaps I can afford it?

As long as I start soon enough, it will all get done....

 

[For Honor]

Since I've been 18

(this all has to do with my father, basically. He is in the worst relationship I have ever seen - she is a drug addict, a liar, a bitch, and she makes everything his fault. It is my dads fault for allowing this, but she really is a bitch. I ........... well, it will come out below........)



BAD RELATIONSHIPS -part II-
(one more thing I am wary of)



What are they doing?

But before them, me.
How they do this to me?
I don't deserve this


It is disgusting
To see such a thing
It is disgusting...

I am tempted to simply stand up
And tell her
What she needs to be told

But that would end the relationship
And it is not mine to end
But I don't know if my dad can

I don't know if he can do it
I know they've all been through it
Yet she treats him like shat

....

I will never, never ever
Allow myself that
To be treated like shat

I demand respect
Because that is what I give
And I am not good on my knees

I will only kneel for the one
Who shows me that it is worth it
And if it takes me a lifetime.....

Then I have no beef
For I would rather fly solo
Than grovel at ones feet (who so readily kicks)

For I will not become my father
And I will not play games with one
Who does not know the rules

I can't bear that my love go unnoticed
No... not unnoticed.....
Disrespected and abused

I want to love, and be in love
But to find someone the same
Who understands me and is sane

That is the quest.... that is the quest
Do I only want the best?
I only want what is best......

Best for me........


and I want the best for my love
So whether or not that is me
I don't care

But if love is the best for both of us
I will always be there
Because I know at least one thing



I can make my love last forever

 

[For Honor]

Since I've been 18

"And I'm the only one"






Why am I the only one
Who can see what I see
And feel what I feel
I seek how to learn
And seek how to heal
But I cannot

But I cannot

I will make the decisions
But they leave me all alone
My only choice remains between
My solitude or the phone

But I do not seek to answer
I do not seek to call
I do not seek to speak myself
For the fun of it all

I do not want to waste my time
But what is wasting, what is fine
When all the time is nothing more
An empty house of hardwood floor.


I am learning all of what not do do
And it makes me wonder what to be
It makes me think of other times
Other people who I want to be

Other places I want to go
Other people I want to know
Other arms I want to see
Orher arms I want calling me


Instead of empty words and simply skewed nights
Fool-headed actions and fool-worded fights
Where no one can be wrong and nothing right
One more hour of this meaningless blight
And I can't stand to see such a sight
Two middle-aged questions like children fight
For me, it's one more empty night
For me, it's one more empty night

Wishing I was in the arms of sleep
And her in my arms, for me to keep
For me to keep......