Crimson_Nails
The Fly
Disclaimer: Created in the boredom that leads up to Christmas. Not true in anyway. Just something to amuse you all. Have a good Christmas and God bless. 
“I am sorry to announce that there will be no snow this year so it will not be the long-awaited ‘White Christmas’. In other news, Dublin FC has lost once again 5-0….”
“I don’t believe it! Every team I support loses! It’s ridiculous!” exclaimed Adam, looking dangerously close to anger. “But never mind I’ll just chose another team, maybe I’ll get lucky this time…”
“No snow! You can’t have Christmas without snow. It just won’t be right.” Said Larry, curled up in an armchair, on the verge of tears.
“Don’t worry Larry, you never know, the newsreader may be wrong,” said Bono with an evil grin.
“Bono there is a 0.001% chance that the news is wrong. Y’see, they have satellites with solar panels orbiting the Earth. These satellites take photos from outer space…”
“Ok, ok, that’s enough Edge!” said Bono, becoming agitated.
“Well I find it very interesting. I attended a Scientific Society meeting about it last month. You can be so narrow-minded; you don’t se the world beyond those sunglasses!” Adam, once again the pacifier, changed the subject;
“Bono, you’ve been raving about decorating the house for a whole week, and as yet you’ve done nothing, and it’s already the 23rd!”
“Yes, of course, we’ll need a tree, baubles, tinsel…” easily distracted Bono poured out a torrent of ideas, most very impractical. Edge however, looked cheated of a good debate.
“Edge,” commanded Adam, “get out a tape measure and…well….do Edge stuff…” A smile lit up Edge’s face and, like Bono, he proceeded to tell everyone what he was going to do:
“If we hang paper chains 45 degrees from the corners, with tinsel bisecting it at 10 degrees a perfect hexagon will be formed!”
“As for me, I’ll sit here and oversee it all. Hang on, I’ve missed someone...Larry!” Adam looked around frantically until he heard some laughter from the corner, sitting cross-legged in front of the TV was Larry, watching the morning cartoons.
“Well I give up, “sighed Adam, reaching for the ‘Irish Times’.
“I’m off,” announced Bono, jumping up and walking right over Edge’s carefully drafted diagrams.
“Christ Bono! Will you watch where you put your flamin’ great feet!” shouted Edge as Bono grabbed Adam’s car keys and rushed out before anyone could stop him.
*****
1 hour later:
“He better be back soon, I’ve finished my plans but I can’t do anything yet.”
“Chill Edge,” spoke Adam, still behind the sports page. “Just enjoy the tranquillity, it’s peaceful and…...” Before he could finish there was a screeching of car tyres and a beeping of horns. The three men looked at each other and in unison shouted, “Bono!”
They rushed to the front door to find a small figure crammed in a car with enough tinsel for three houses. As the car door opened a whole load of baubles fell out along with the man.
“Bono, what the…” questioned Larry. Ignoring him completely, Bono pointed excitedly at a huge lorry pulling up,
“That’ll be the tree!”
“Bono, in a lorry that big the tree would have to be…” Edge did a few mental calculations, “…at least 10ft high!”
“I think it said 10ft5” on the box.”
“What?!” exploded Edge. “Our highest ceiling is only 7ft!”
“Well…I thought…” Bono looked guiltily at his feet. “If we chopped a little bit off…maybe…”
“You’re damn right; we will have to chop some off. But a lot more than a little; at least 3ft, thus disfiguring the whole tree. You’ll suddenly decide that you don’t like it and trade it in for a pink plastic one!” The usually Zen-like being clutched his beanie in despair. “Bono will you ever learn that money does not grow on trees and you have to obey the laws of physics like everyone else!”
“A pink Christmas tree? Oh Adam, this is going to be the worst Christmas ever!” sobbed Larry into Adam’s shoulder.
“There, there, it will all work out right in the end. We just have to watch these two argue for a bit, and it’ll be fine, you’ll see.”
A fearsome-looking 6ft giant with a name label that said ‘Bill-your friendly lorry driver’ approached Bono and shoved a clipboard in his face.
“Mr Hewson, sign here to agree to have £500 withdrawn from Mr D.Evans’ account.” Edge’s eyes almost popped out of his head, but before he could utter a word Adam had put a firm arm around his shoulders and led both him and Larry into the house.
*****
“I don’t like tinsel, it makes me sneeze”
“Larry please. I can’t cope with a half-deranged Santa and put up the decorations at the same time. Earlier today he tried to decorate the oven and burnt half the tinsel in the process. At least put the baubles on the tree.” The beanied man was once again distracted and shoved the box into the sullen Mullen’s hands and ran into the next room. “I told you to leave the paper chains alone! That’s the 5th time!” A figure stirred from beneath a pile of blankets and poked his head out. He had just managed to stand when Bono capered in wearing only a Santa hat and his dressing gown, knocked him over.
“This room looks…” Adam polished his glasses while he searched for the right word, “…festive.” Larry wrinkled his nose in disgust.
“I don’t like it. The decorations will probably collapse and the tree will fall over and kill us all.”
“That would be quite amusing,” said Adam with his upside down smile. “The world’s greatest rock band murdered by a rampaging Christmas tree.”
“Enough of that. I used exactly the right amount of Blu Tak. I’ll eat my beanie if some falls down.” Edge sat back with a satisfied smile…and a whole load of tinsel fell on top of him.
“Right Edge, you’d better get a knife and fork. That beanie looks a tad chewy,” said Larry, hardly able to stop hiccupping.
*****
“It’s Christmas Eve! It’s Christmas Eve!” whispered Larry to himself, dancing a little jig in his bedroom.
“Larry, did I just see you dancing?!” Edge looked at him in disbelief.
“No of course not,” said Larry, going red.
“Wait ‘til I tell Bono,” and he walked off chortling before Larry could say anything.
*****
“I’ve got a bigger stocking that you!” Larry looked from his tiny sock to Bono’s huge sparkling one.
“Bono stop being mean. Larry go and put the mince pies in the oven. Adam will you please get off the sofa and pour the mulled wine.” Edge tried his best to pull Adam up but soon gave up panting. Even when Larry pulled too he still wouldn’t budge. Then Bono crept up on to the sofa and tickled Adam on his ribs. The usually calm man leapt up, kicking Edge and Larry over, and ran from the room.
*****
He wouldn’t admit it, not to anyone, bur Larry only found out that Father Christmas didn’t exist last year. He also wouldn’t say that straight after his birthday he counted down the days until Christmas. So it was no surprise that he had set and alarm for Christmas Day, and thought he was the first one up. He pulled back his curtains and gasped in delight. He ran round to Adam’s room and tried to shake him awake.
“Adam! Adam! Wake up! It’s snowed on Christmas Day! Come and see!”
Meanwhile in another part of the house Edge had already risen and was making his was to the kitchen. As he approached the door he heard some muttering. Fearing that some thieves were trying to steal the turkey he grabbed a pair of Larry’s drumsticks and ran in. To his surprise he found Bono curled up, clutching a bottle and talking to himself:
“Turkey…pudding…Larry in tinsel…”
“Bono what do you think you’re doing? That’s the Christmas wine!”
Bono opened a bleary eye, took one look at Edge’s frown and shut it again.
Larry skidded in and grabbed Edge’s shoulders.
“Snow! There’s snow outside!” They both ran to the front door and while Larry unlocked it Edge donned a fur beanie, fur coat and fur boots (think New Year’s Day!)
Larry picked up a handful of snow and looked confused.
“It’s not cold.”
“Well, it has the properties of various plastics so effectively it’s fake snow!” Larry looked up and down the street to see that no other house was covered in ‘snow’. Bono had managed to stagger to the door, a proud smile on his face.
“Well there you go Larry. You’ve got your ‘White Christmas’ and I proved the newsreader wrong!” Unsure whether to say thanks or be angry Larry hesitated. Adam, sensing a potentially dangerous situation said,
“Presents!” They all rushed to the lounge and tore off the wrapping paper.
“Wow Edge you wrote a book! Hey look! It’s me on the front cover!” Bono held aloft a book entitled, ‘ Late Nights, Bad Driving and Beanie Theft – Living with my best friend’. “Very funny Larry, ‘Road Safety’ and ‘How to relax’ by B Karm from Adam.”
“I am not an Elvis wannabe,” said Larry indignantly to Bono, pointing at ‘The Elvis Wannabe’s guidebook. “Edge, thanks for the Harley mechanic book, it’ll take ages to read, it’s 700 pages! And…um…Adam…I didn’t know you knitted…”
“Oh yes, it’s very therapeutic. I spent the last month you that jumper. You should try it.”
“Actually I already do.” Bono looked amazed,
“You! Mr Larry Mullen jr, figurehead of machoness, knits?!”
“Anyway, never mind that, look what Edge gave me, a foot spa! From Larry a drinking game kit and from Bono ‘How to be Hyperactive’ by Whay Kup!”
“Adam,” said Edge from a corner, “you have to be very careful with that foot spa. I made it myself and if you put to much hot water in it, it explodes! Oh and thank you for the stargazing kit. And look at this incredible book, ‘The Beanie – a complete encyclopaedia’ from Bono. But by far the most useful present is Larry’s; a pair of socks!”
*****
Apart from the Christmas pudding setting fire to the tablecloth all went smoothly in the Cuatro Amigos household. After lunch they settled down in their respective armchairs, reading, knitting, eating and trying to ignore the strange noises coming from Adam’s foor spa.
“I am sorry to announce that there will be no snow this year so it will not be the long-awaited ‘White Christmas’. In other news, Dublin FC has lost once again 5-0….”
“I don’t believe it! Every team I support loses! It’s ridiculous!” exclaimed Adam, looking dangerously close to anger. “But never mind I’ll just chose another team, maybe I’ll get lucky this time…”
“No snow! You can’t have Christmas without snow. It just won’t be right.” Said Larry, curled up in an armchair, on the verge of tears.
“Don’t worry Larry, you never know, the newsreader may be wrong,” said Bono with an evil grin.
“Bono there is a 0.001% chance that the news is wrong. Y’see, they have satellites with solar panels orbiting the Earth. These satellites take photos from outer space…”
“Ok, ok, that’s enough Edge!” said Bono, becoming agitated.
“Well I find it very interesting. I attended a Scientific Society meeting about it last month. You can be so narrow-minded; you don’t se the world beyond those sunglasses!” Adam, once again the pacifier, changed the subject;
“Bono, you’ve been raving about decorating the house for a whole week, and as yet you’ve done nothing, and it’s already the 23rd!”
“Yes, of course, we’ll need a tree, baubles, tinsel…” easily distracted Bono poured out a torrent of ideas, most very impractical. Edge however, looked cheated of a good debate.
“Edge,” commanded Adam, “get out a tape measure and…well….do Edge stuff…” A smile lit up Edge’s face and, like Bono, he proceeded to tell everyone what he was going to do:
“If we hang paper chains 45 degrees from the corners, with tinsel bisecting it at 10 degrees a perfect hexagon will be formed!”
“As for me, I’ll sit here and oversee it all. Hang on, I’ve missed someone...Larry!” Adam looked around frantically until he heard some laughter from the corner, sitting cross-legged in front of the TV was Larry, watching the morning cartoons.
“Well I give up, “sighed Adam, reaching for the ‘Irish Times’.
“I’m off,” announced Bono, jumping up and walking right over Edge’s carefully drafted diagrams.
“Christ Bono! Will you watch where you put your flamin’ great feet!” shouted Edge as Bono grabbed Adam’s car keys and rushed out before anyone could stop him.
*****
1 hour later:
“He better be back soon, I’ve finished my plans but I can’t do anything yet.”
“Chill Edge,” spoke Adam, still behind the sports page. “Just enjoy the tranquillity, it’s peaceful and…...” Before he could finish there was a screeching of car tyres and a beeping of horns. The three men looked at each other and in unison shouted, “Bono!”
They rushed to the front door to find a small figure crammed in a car with enough tinsel for three houses. As the car door opened a whole load of baubles fell out along with the man.
“Bono, what the…” questioned Larry. Ignoring him completely, Bono pointed excitedly at a huge lorry pulling up,
“That’ll be the tree!”
“Bono, in a lorry that big the tree would have to be…” Edge did a few mental calculations, “…at least 10ft high!”
“I think it said 10ft5” on the box.”
“What?!” exploded Edge. “Our highest ceiling is only 7ft!”
“Well…I thought…” Bono looked guiltily at his feet. “If we chopped a little bit off…maybe…”
“You’re damn right; we will have to chop some off. But a lot more than a little; at least 3ft, thus disfiguring the whole tree. You’ll suddenly decide that you don’t like it and trade it in for a pink plastic one!” The usually Zen-like being clutched his beanie in despair. “Bono will you ever learn that money does not grow on trees and you have to obey the laws of physics like everyone else!”
“A pink Christmas tree? Oh Adam, this is going to be the worst Christmas ever!” sobbed Larry into Adam’s shoulder.
“There, there, it will all work out right in the end. We just have to watch these two argue for a bit, and it’ll be fine, you’ll see.”
A fearsome-looking 6ft giant with a name label that said ‘Bill-your friendly lorry driver’ approached Bono and shoved a clipboard in his face.
“Mr Hewson, sign here to agree to have £500 withdrawn from Mr D.Evans’ account.” Edge’s eyes almost popped out of his head, but before he could utter a word Adam had put a firm arm around his shoulders and led both him and Larry into the house.
*****
“I don’t like tinsel, it makes me sneeze”
“Larry please. I can’t cope with a half-deranged Santa and put up the decorations at the same time. Earlier today he tried to decorate the oven and burnt half the tinsel in the process. At least put the baubles on the tree.” The beanied man was once again distracted and shoved the box into the sullen Mullen’s hands and ran into the next room. “I told you to leave the paper chains alone! That’s the 5th time!” A figure stirred from beneath a pile of blankets and poked his head out. He had just managed to stand when Bono capered in wearing only a Santa hat and his dressing gown, knocked him over.
“This room looks…” Adam polished his glasses while he searched for the right word, “…festive.” Larry wrinkled his nose in disgust.
“I don’t like it. The decorations will probably collapse and the tree will fall over and kill us all.”
“That would be quite amusing,” said Adam with his upside down smile. “The world’s greatest rock band murdered by a rampaging Christmas tree.”
“Enough of that. I used exactly the right amount of Blu Tak. I’ll eat my beanie if some falls down.” Edge sat back with a satisfied smile…and a whole load of tinsel fell on top of him.
“Right Edge, you’d better get a knife and fork. That beanie looks a tad chewy,” said Larry, hardly able to stop hiccupping.
*****
“It’s Christmas Eve! It’s Christmas Eve!” whispered Larry to himself, dancing a little jig in his bedroom.
“Larry, did I just see you dancing?!” Edge looked at him in disbelief.
“No of course not,” said Larry, going red.
“Wait ‘til I tell Bono,” and he walked off chortling before Larry could say anything.
*****
“I’ve got a bigger stocking that you!” Larry looked from his tiny sock to Bono’s huge sparkling one.
“Bono stop being mean. Larry go and put the mince pies in the oven. Adam will you please get off the sofa and pour the mulled wine.” Edge tried his best to pull Adam up but soon gave up panting. Even when Larry pulled too he still wouldn’t budge. Then Bono crept up on to the sofa and tickled Adam on his ribs. The usually calm man leapt up, kicking Edge and Larry over, and ran from the room.
*****
He wouldn’t admit it, not to anyone, bur Larry only found out that Father Christmas didn’t exist last year. He also wouldn’t say that straight after his birthday he counted down the days until Christmas. So it was no surprise that he had set and alarm for Christmas Day, and thought he was the first one up. He pulled back his curtains and gasped in delight. He ran round to Adam’s room and tried to shake him awake.
“Adam! Adam! Wake up! It’s snowed on Christmas Day! Come and see!”
Meanwhile in another part of the house Edge had already risen and was making his was to the kitchen. As he approached the door he heard some muttering. Fearing that some thieves were trying to steal the turkey he grabbed a pair of Larry’s drumsticks and ran in. To his surprise he found Bono curled up, clutching a bottle and talking to himself:
“Turkey…pudding…Larry in tinsel…”
“Bono what do you think you’re doing? That’s the Christmas wine!”
Bono opened a bleary eye, took one look at Edge’s frown and shut it again.
Larry skidded in and grabbed Edge’s shoulders.
“Snow! There’s snow outside!” They both ran to the front door and while Larry unlocked it Edge donned a fur beanie, fur coat and fur boots (think New Year’s Day!)
Larry picked up a handful of snow and looked confused.
“It’s not cold.”
“Well, it has the properties of various plastics so effectively it’s fake snow!” Larry looked up and down the street to see that no other house was covered in ‘snow’. Bono had managed to stagger to the door, a proud smile on his face.
“Well there you go Larry. You’ve got your ‘White Christmas’ and I proved the newsreader wrong!” Unsure whether to say thanks or be angry Larry hesitated. Adam, sensing a potentially dangerous situation said,
“Presents!” They all rushed to the lounge and tore off the wrapping paper.
“Wow Edge you wrote a book! Hey look! It’s me on the front cover!” Bono held aloft a book entitled, ‘ Late Nights, Bad Driving and Beanie Theft – Living with my best friend’. “Very funny Larry, ‘Road Safety’ and ‘How to relax’ by B Karm from Adam.”
“I am not an Elvis wannabe,” said Larry indignantly to Bono, pointing at ‘The Elvis Wannabe’s guidebook. “Edge, thanks for the Harley mechanic book, it’ll take ages to read, it’s 700 pages! And…um…Adam…I didn’t know you knitted…”
“Oh yes, it’s very therapeutic. I spent the last month you that jumper. You should try it.”
“Actually I already do.” Bono looked amazed,
“You! Mr Larry Mullen jr, figurehead of machoness, knits?!”
“Anyway, never mind that, look what Edge gave me, a foot spa! From Larry a drinking game kit and from Bono ‘How to be Hyperactive’ by Whay Kup!”
“Adam,” said Edge from a corner, “you have to be very careful with that foot spa. I made it myself and if you put to much hot water in it, it explodes! Oh and thank you for the stargazing kit. And look at this incredible book, ‘The Beanie – a complete encyclopaedia’ from Bono. But by far the most useful present is Larry’s; a pair of socks!”
*****
Apart from the Christmas pudding setting fire to the tablecloth all went smoothly in the Cuatro Amigos household. After lunch they settled down in their respective armchairs, reading, knitting, eating and trying to ignore the strange noises coming from Adam’s foor spa.
I love it, its funny as 
I loved that. 
