Queen Betty said:
To tell you the truth, I think my real motives are less than sweet, more like selfish. I want fame, respect, and wealth. I want to never die, even if I live only as a memory. I want to meet Bono and to be in his good graces before I even say a word to him. I want to prove myself to anyone who ever thought I'd amount to nothing, or that I'm a waste of time, effort, and resources, or thought little of me. So instead of really wanting to make a difference in the world, I want to change the way I feel about myself. The only way I can see that'll take me all these places is to achieve a major breakthrough, medical or otherwise. This is rather ignoble of me, really, but I think I can redeem myself from what drives me if I save millions of lives with what I do.
QB -- You seem to be very mature for your age. Not just by your aspirations, but by your willingness to acknowledge and admit to your own character flaws.
Sarah McLachlan has always said that, even though her songs may inspire and be a comfort to other people, the actual reasons she writes her music, and the act of doing so, are actually quite selfish. Songwriting serves as a sort of emotional release for her. But she is indeed happy that it is for others as well.
I think that a lot of things we do in life are more selfish than we realize. Even the act of doing something for someone else, we often do it because it makes us feel like we are worth something, because we've done something positive with ourselves. We see the smile on someone else's face as a self-affirmation in a way. Or when we have children -- What is the main motivation for that? Because we want to experience the unconditional love that a child feels for a parent, or because we want to create a productive member of society?
But I digress.
Really, QB -- I think that it's perfectly OK that you want the fame and recognition for your achievements. It seems to me that you're just looking for approval. Especially from people you look up to -- like Bono. I think you just want to know that you're doing the right thing with your life, that you're being the best that you can be. And that's okay. That's totally normal. We all want that to some degree.
And we all most definitely need a sense of self-worth. Without that, most people would have little desire to live. But just don't forget where real self-worth comes from. What other people think of you -- even Bono -- doesn't matter nearly as much as what YOU think of you.
However...I do understand, from personal experience, that no matter what you think of yourself, there's a certain feeling you just can't get from anything but achievements. It is a social status thing that is deeply ingrained in our psyche as human beings. So it's ok. Go get your cure. (And hurry! I happen to know that there are a some people who are rather close to it already!)
Dot.