martha said:
As I was observing this, I wondered about you specifically, Irvine. (Actually melon as well.) Did you go through this with girls when you were reaching adolescence? Or did you know already? Did you go through the rituals, teasing, etc. just to be part of the crowd, lessening your chances of discovery this way? Or were you unsure or confused about your feelings?
i think this is where the pantomime begins.
i do know some gay guys who knew they were gay from a very early age, but i don't think anyone has an adult understanding of sexuality at an early age. i think some boys feel "different," as i certainly did, but i think it's still to early to be able to attribute these differences as part of a different sexual orientation than 90-95% of your classmates.
in 5th and 6th grade, when the genders are first starting to notice each other, i definitely started to "notice" as well -- but i think it was more curiosity, like discovering another culture, as opposed to it being genuinely pre-sexual. i think you know that's what everyone else is doing, and so you go along with it. i was certainly excited about my first "boy/girl" parties, and i remember getting the message now that i was about 12 that i should be starting to think about girls and see if they wanted to "go out" -- and i was fine with all that, even excited about it. i knew this was what i was supposed to do, and it was like trying on a pair of pants, only you don't yet know that they don't fit. or, that there's a pair of pants that fits you better.
what i do remember about the years between 5th and 8th grade was taking a very, very keen interest in mature men's bodies. i'm sure some of this was trying to get a sense of what was going to happen to me (and to pause, i am right now reliving all of the terrible, horrible, awkward awkward awkward moments that everyone sufferst hrough .... how much better it is to be an adult, no? oh, Martha, those poor 6th graders ...), but i think my interest was much more overtly sexual than a heterosexual boy's interest might have been, but i certainly wasn't yet aware that this was different, since it's not like boys talk about this with one another, it's all going on internally.
in the summers between 7th and 8th grade, as well as 8th and 9th grade, i sort of had girlfriends, and we did the 13 year old "making out" thing, and i was fine with that, but again, looking back, it was more of an acting out of a role that i knew i was supposed to play and taking pride in that, as opposed to feeling a genuine sense of connection and attachment and perhaps fulfillment that heterosexuals might feel when they take their first cautious steps into physical intimacy with one another. and for a while, this was fine. it wasn't until high school that i began to realize that something simply wasn't right about the courtship rituals of jr. high and high school, that i related to girls in a different manner than my peers. for me, there were no parting clouds and moments of illumination, it was a very long, very gradual process of genuinely authentic self-discovery.
so, i would say that your average 6th grader isn't aware (or maybe they are now, i was in 6th grade in 1990 and the definition of "gay" that i understood was of a sissy, a girlie-man, which i wasn't ... or at least not really, i might not have liked to fight or wrestle or play in the dirt, but i was well aware that i was a boy) yet of how he/she might be different, and at this point they're probably just thrilled and excited at the curiosity of the other gender as well as starting to be able to play out these romantic gender roles that are so thoroughly celebrated in all of popular culture (to the point where, frankly, it's really oppressive).
at least for me.