isikcan_aysev
Babyface
Hi everyone. This is my first post ever. I've been reading the forums for some time now, but its the first time I thought I'd write something. I know most people will just say Ive been listening to too much POP lately, and I think, in a way, theyd be right, after all it is my favorite album. My friends always wonder why Id love such a dark and hurting record. Call me mad.
I came from a show just an hour ago, and I did drink a bit there. So on the way back, in the cab i started thinking about.. stuff. Everyday stuff. My life. What I want out of it. Things you never pay attention to when youre fully awake.
And I realized, although the band was great, I was with my friends, the crowd was amazing, I didnt enjoy it one bit. It made me think even further... I realized I dont enjoy anything at all, anymore. Hell, sorry for the bluntness of the example but some guy said 'the day jacking off becomes a daily chore, youre truly dead'
The dinners I have with my family, playing with my dog, going out on dates, having sex, doing good at school, hanging out with my friends... I dont know if I get any real joy out of any of those, or am I just pretending to.
Then there is this girl Ive been going out with. I cant feel the tiniest bit of love for her and I havent been returning her calls for a while. Still, I dont want it to end, cause I am way too selfish to let myself feel unloved. I think Ill just dump her soon.
Most people I meet make me completely sick. Theyre so fake yet so vain. Id like them more if we werent so alike. (see I just got HTDAAB) Pretending to be happy when youre not, seeming to be genuine when youre a fake and being nice when youre full of contempt for others. Its no mean feat. I get through.
The best things in life, things i used to enjoy, the natural high when youre in love, the clarity you have when youre full of hate, even the healing of pure grief... are just gone. I dont know if Im even able to fall in love anymore. Hell, I dont even really hate anyone, I just feel pity for them. Thats the kind of troubled sick sod Ive become.
I am sick of being someone I never meant to become. I am sick of living up to others expectations. I am sick of the thought of not having a way back. Ive messed things up so badly, I have broken so many people, told so many lies to myself, that I have not a single idea who I've become.
But there is no way back now. I can only go forward. I dont know where. I am totally lost. The more I realize, the more I feel unloved.
I came from a show just an hour ago, and I did drink a bit there. So on the way back, in the cab i started thinking about.. stuff. Everyday stuff. My life. What I want out of it. Things you never pay attention to when youre fully awake.
And I realized, although the band was great, I was with my friends, the crowd was amazing, I didnt enjoy it one bit. It made me think even further... I realized I dont enjoy anything at all, anymore. Hell, sorry for the bluntness of the example but some guy said 'the day jacking off becomes a daily chore, youre truly dead'
The dinners I have with my family, playing with my dog, going out on dates, having sex, doing good at school, hanging out with my friends... I dont know if I get any real joy out of any of those, or am I just pretending to.
Then there is this girl Ive been going out with. I cant feel the tiniest bit of love for her and I havent been returning her calls for a while. Still, I dont want it to end, cause I am way too selfish to let myself feel unloved. I think Ill just dump her soon.
Most people I meet make me completely sick. Theyre so fake yet so vain. Id like them more if we werent so alike. (see I just got HTDAAB) Pretending to be happy when youre not, seeming to be genuine when youre a fake and being nice when youre full of contempt for others. Its no mean feat. I get through.
The best things in life, things i used to enjoy, the natural high when youre in love, the clarity you have when youre full of hate, even the healing of pure grief... are just gone. I dont know if Im even able to fall in love anymore. Hell, I dont even really hate anyone, I just feel pity for them. Thats the kind of troubled sick sod Ive become.
I am sick of being someone I never meant to become. I am sick of living up to others expectations. I am sick of the thought of not having a way back. Ive messed things up so badly, I have broken so many people, told so many lies to myself, that I have not a single idea who I've become.
But there is no way back now. I can only go forward. I dont know where. I am totally lost. The more I realize, the more I feel unloved.