Dear Lord what a one track mind.

[U2democrat]

In October, my best friend was dumped by her first boyfriend of one year.

Ever since then, that is ALL she has been able to talk about, to pretty much anyone, and she talks about it to me a lot since I am her best friend.

She just goes on and on and on...how it kills her to be without him, then how she hates him, then how she loves him, how she would die for him, how she wants to kill him, . Such an emotional roller coaster, and there's only so much I can bear myself. Naturally I give her my opinions and advice, even if its what she doesn't want to hear, but I'm not going to lie to her because that would be a crappy friendship between us.

But seriously, it's ALL she talks about. When I'm at her house with her parents it's all she talked about, when she's at my house even around my parents it's all she talks about. Even over thanksgiving break when she was spending time with me while I had very dear family from out of town with me, around them that's all she talked about.

I'm beyond sick and tired of it all, and frankly I don't know how to tell her that gently without driving her over the edge. I love her to death but she is quite the drama queen, and on medications for depression, and me telling her that i'm sick of hearing all her relationship problems would do who knows what to her.

I guess I should just suck it up. Whenever I try to change the subject she always brings it right back up, and it is becoming more and more emotionally draining on me. I want her to be happy whatever happens, but I have to look out for myself as well. This whole ordeal has made her extremely self centered, it's all about her and her woes. Whenever I have exciting news about myself its like "great. ooooooh i miss him so much" gag me.


Ah well considering i don't usually like reading or writing long posts i'll stop there. Just venting...any and all comments are welcome.

 

[Angela Harlem]

It's only been October. Whether she's a drama queen or not, or on anti depressants or not, is a little irrelevent. She's probably really broken over this. It sounds like it, with her swinging between anger at him and misery at losing him. It's a stage of seperation. It will pass, it might take a while, but if you want to be a friend, then you cant put a time limit on it or dictate how much you want to hear because it is getting annoying - which is understandable, but still. She needs comfort. I can only suggest you tell it to her straight another way. Be upfront, but word it so that it isn't harsh. Say "I know this is breaking you up, god knows you talk about nothing else, but as your dearest friend who is here for you, I declare him off limits for certain days and nights and we will get over him together." Then arrange a video night where she is not allowed to takl about him, take her out shopping for a day, or for lunch somewhere, bake a cake with her, go swimming, skiing, hang gliding, anything. Be her support, keep her busy, and yourself sane in the meanwhile. She needs you.

 

[Screwtape2]

...

 

[indra]

Think about it, Lancemc. You had Interference to talk to about all this stuff when all she has is you.

You just made her breakup with her boyfriend and maybe ended one of her and your friendships. After all that, the least you can do is listen to her work all this out. If you really love her, you will be there for her through the good and the bad. And if you've found that you can't stand this maybe you never really loved her in the first place?

uh...wrong person and thread.


And U2dem aren't you glad you didn't hook up with some jerk who either would dump you or be dumped by you and cause you to be annoying the crap out of your friends now? (that's my little "look on the bright side" speech for the day. )

 

[redhotswami]

Think about it, Lancemc. You had Interference to talk to about all this stuff when all she has is you.

You just made her breakup with her boyfriend and maybe ended one of her and your friendships. After all that, the least you can do is listen to her work all this out. If you really love her, you will be there for her through the good and the bad. And if you've found that you can't stand this maybe you never really loved her in the first place?

Um...wrong thread?

 

[redhotswami]

uh...wrong person and thread.

gah! remind me never to play speed with you.

 

[indra]

gah! remind me never to play speed with you.

I was just lucky here. Usually a thread runs several pages before I can get a reply worked out.

 

[redhotswami]

It's only been October. Whether she's a drama queen or not, or on anti depressants or not, is a little irrelevent. She's probably really broken over this. It sounds like it, with her swinging between anger at him and misery at losing him. It's a stage of seperation. It will pass, it might take a while, but if you want to be a friend, then you cant put a time limit on it or dictate how much you want to hear because it is getting annoying - which is understandable, but still. She needs comfort. I can only suggest you tell it to her straight another way. Be upfront, but word it so that it isn't harsh. Say "I know this is breaking you up, god knows you talk about nothing else, but as your dearest friend who is here for you, I declare him off limits for certain days and nights and we will get over him together." Then arrange a video night where she is not allowed to takl about him, take her out shopping for a day, or for lunch somewhere, bake a cake with her, go swimming, skiing, hang gliding, anything. Be her support, keep her busy, and yourself sane in the meanwhile. She needs you.

That's some sound advice right there! I really couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[Screwtape2]

Oops.

I often confuse the two of you. Sorry, U2democrat. It's your avatars.

 

[Varitek]

U2dem, definately take Angela's advice about spending time with your friend where the ex is off limits. Think sex and the city: ice cream and movie night, or getting ridiculously dressed up and going for appetizers or desert or coffee at a nice restaurant above your means (I'm sure you can find one in DC), or whatever. Times when she can realize that she can have fun, have a life, without this guy, and times when you can have your friend back!

 

[Liesje]

I've got a similar situation so if you find good results, do let me know! Actually, my friend goes back and forth with her on-again-off-again bf of four years. Like your friend, she's struggled with depression and anxiety and has many, many self-esteem issues mostly do to her anxiety and a previous boyfriend that was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. Maybe our friends have the same problem? I've told my friend I feel like her main issue is that she has no identity outside of her relationship (whether it be good or bad at the time) with her boyfriend. As others have suggested, we basically force her to spend time away from him with us, shopping, going for dinner, or just hanging out at home without boys attached to our hips. We've tried to help her find hobbies and things to do that make her happy because of herself, not her boyfriend. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I think you and I are kind of the same in that we're not the type of people who define ourselves by relationships with boys, so when others do, it's REALLY hard, if not impossible, to relate. I think it takes compromise from both sides. Let her know you care for her and are willing to listen, but also let her know what you think and how you want to help.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I think it's part of being that age, of course not that everyone that age is on the same level of interest in romance and all that. I would just be careful with her being on medication for depression, you never know when something like obsession with a broken romance can turn into something that becomes dangerous for her emotional and even physical well being. Maybe she is using the romance fixation to mask other issues she's also dealing with, or to avoid other issues.

Would you be able to talk to her parents about it? If so, I think perhaps you should-in a gentle way tell them you are concerned about her

 

[A_Wanderer]

Addictions can always hurt the people around us, if only they had enough time as a couple for that nerve growth factor level to drop down far enough.

 

[Lancemc]

Wow, that was weird.


But aaaaaannyway... I agree with everything the others have said so far. She'll pass this eventually, and the most you can do as her best friend is help her through it. But like was suggested, it might be a good idea to set certain times where her old boyfriend is no longer a topic for discussion. It's good therapy for her.

Best of luck!

 

[U2democrat]

The little screwup is understandable, when you identify people based on their avatars things can get confusing


Anyway, of course I'll stay there for her, I've tried "distracting" her but it hasn't worked (I'll only be happy if i'm in a long term relationship-that's what she believes). I'll try and be a little more forward and see how things go. It's actually looking like they'll get back together but whatever.

By the way her parents are sick of hearing about it all too

Next time we hang out which is tomorrow (last minute Christmas shopping stuff) I'll say as we're going out that this is a time for us to have fun, not think or talk about stupid boys.

 

[A_Wanderer]

Short of an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind type procedure distractions until it stops hurting is the only way to go, which sucks.

 

[Techie2000]

Unfortunately this is probably the kind of wound that only time can heal. FWIW I find that when I get rejected by the opposite sex, it feels good to try to accomplish something, even small, leading to a larger life goal. Like I'm huge into politics so after I got rejected by a girl recently I started creating plans and organizing an alumni network for this political thing I was apart of in order to further the networking support of the thing and stuff like that. The net result is I get to see some old friends at a reunion dinner in a couple weeks I haven't seen in a long time.

I think ultimately the thing that sucks about being single, is the uncertainty in it all. There is this inherent human desire to want to find a member of the opposite sex to love and be with, and to want to find the "perfect" match, and once we think we've found that "perfect" match it's scary to let go, because how can anyone else be as good or better?

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

It's only been October. Whether she's a drama queen or not, or on anti depressants or not, is a little irrelevent. She's probably really broken over this. It sounds like it, with her swinging between anger at him and misery at losing him. It's a stage of seperation. It will pass, it might take a while, but if you want to be a friend, then you cant put a time limit on it or dictate how much you want to hear because it is getting annoying - which is understandable, but still. She needs comfort. I can only suggest you tell it to her straight another way. Be upfront, but word it so that it isn't harsh. Say "I know this is breaking you up, god knows you talk about nothing else, but as your dearest friend who is here for you, I declare him off limits for certain days and nights and we will get over him together." Then arrange a video night where she is not allowed to takl about him, take her out shopping for a day, or for lunch somewhere, bake a cake with her, go swimming, skiing, hang gliding, anything. Be her support, keep her busy, and yourself sane in the meanwhile. She needs you.

Great advice.