at the bottom of everything?

[all_i_want]

hey people.. im dont usually expose details of my life online, but hey it cant be that bad so here i go.

well, anyway, here's where im at. i was dead drunk last night, partied till 4, only to come home with two girls i dont really know. apparently they were fans of my radio show. i think one of them stole my bart simpson figurine. before that, at the club, i was sort of making out with a girl i know from one of my classes, in front of a guy who apparently loves her. he didnt like it obviously, so we took it outside, and i, being the lovely drunk i am, sort of defused the situation. then i went back inside and started hanging out with my friends. guess what, she comes back and tells me that she doesnt want him, so we start dancing again. i dont feel anything other than desperation when i am holding her. i want to be a million miles away from there, but i dont care thanks to all the drinks she's been getting for me. i dont quite understand what she is trying to do, so i decide to leave and i tell her that she can come with me, or she can stay. she stays.

meanwhile, i am in love with a friend from school, but she is with another guy, and has been so for the last 2 years, and i cant tell her the truth. every time i hold her hand or touch her face i am amazed at how perfect she is. she is very friendly so i couldnt possibly tell if she is into me or not. i dont think she'd leave him for me either. i want to scream and tell her the truth but i dont want to jeopardize our friendship. so low-key flirting that goes nowhere, it is.

i think i may also be in a relationship with an ex of my best friend who happens to live in another city (5 hours drive from here). i like spending time with her but it is not very often. i feel guilty too, since it feels like betraying my friend. i think she likes me but i dont know how far this can go. my friend used her when they were 'together', and i know it hurt her badly so i dont want to make the same mistake. im just playing it by ear and hope i dont mess up.

with all this hanging over my head, i am also trying to finish my senior year in college with honors and get admitted to an MBA program. i dont know if i can take this anymore. i just want to love and be loved, is that too much to ask for? i hate the fact that i am a friend to everyone all day and when i come home and its late at night (like it is right now) i just wish i could change my life. im doing the best i can, i dont regret anything i did. i keep a straight face everyday but when im up late at night, that is when this sense of misery and deprivation strikes.

thats all for now. i dont expect any answers or prayers from you guys, i just felt like i had to put these feelings into words. sorry for the inconvenience, if i gave you any.

 

[Liesje]

I think you need to slooooow down.

First of all, do any of these so-called relationships really have anything to offer? Are you challenged to become a better person because you are in love with Xgirl but are already seeing Ygirl, yadda yadda yadda?

I think you need to let go of all that baggage and start from scratch. Get some real friends that care about you and care about themselves and their relationships with you and others. It sounds like your current lifestyle has little to offer and is only keeping you from focusing on what DOES matter - finding some true friends and finishing school the way you plan to.

I'm in the same spot in life as you - I'm a senior in college (business communications program) trying to finish strong and make the best of everything.

 

[For Honor]

Don't see anyone. Spend time alone, perhaps a personal "vacation".

As far as your relationships go, you are scattered, and I personally don't think you will get much out of that. Maybe watch your booze, too.

I agree with LivLuv.

If you want a serious relitionship, then get serious about relationships. But may not really be what you need right now. Detached, I'd say that you need to focus on your schooling for now.

That is a tremendous investment, and you don't want to blow it over a few months of questionable emotional security. From the way you talk about everything else, I'd say that is the greatest investment you have, time, money, and future considered. I'd protect that investment.

But it's up to you.
Life is an adventure, and there aren't any correct answers. You just have to live with your decisions. But you don't even have to do that, if you don't want to, heh.

Good luck, man