Sexual Promiscuity

[Angela Harlem]

[quote]Originally posted by Klodomir:

DrTeeth and Angela Harlem, I'm going to get both of you for what you said, and not in a nice way!

Now now Klod, Im sure you gave them your number after all. They could call, maybe tomorrow though. Dont stress yet sweetie.

[EPandAmerica]

Originally posted by Klodomir:

Seriously? Does this count for all women or actually for single women who have never been married? If they have been sexually active for 10-15 years, that's either a few very serious relationships or some very long periods of abstinence.

DrTeeth and Angela Harlem, I'm going to get both of you for what you said, and not in a nice way!

Yikes! I agree 3 or 4 is way low if you were single.
Sadly the scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral where she is counting ... mirrors my life
...but I blame that on finding the love of my life/soul mate/knew each other in a past life/partner when I was sixteen and lost him. I am 36 now so in 20 years, I've had fun but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

[u2zed]

Re: The test drive theory... it makes sense... sex of course shouldn't be the center of a relationship but is really the main thing that separates a love relationship from a deep, loving friendship. I hope everyone takes a "test drive" so that you don't end up in the position I was in for many years of loving someone who was sexually incompatible (I don't mean in orientation but that he had a sex drive MUCH lower than mine, and I felt at turns unloved and ashamed of what I wanted)... trust me it's not a good way to live...

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you've got the right shoes to get you through the night

[bonovista]

Good point U2Zed..That would kill just about any marriage.

[80sU2isBest]

Originally posted by u2zed:
Re: The test drive theory... it makes sense... sex of course shouldn't be the center of a relationship but is really the main thing that separates a love relationship from a deep, loving friendship. I hope everyone takes a "test drive" so that you don't end up in the position I was in for many years of loving someone who was sexually incompatible (I don't mean in orientation but that he had a sex drive MUCH lower than mine, and I felt at turns unloved and ashamed of what I wanted)... trust me it's not a good way to live...

Well, I sure hope no teenage girls are reading your post. They don't need any more encouragement than they already get from TV, movies, music, billboards and magazine to "take a test drive". Then they wind up pregnant, alone, confused, ashamed. Some of them feel the only thing thy can do is to get rid of the baby (either by killing it while still in the womb or giving it up for adoption). I feel sorry for teenaged girls these days. Heaven knows it's hard enough to be a teenager, but with all the media encouraging free sex, it makes their decisions even harder. Teenagers are impressionable, so people should be careful what they say.
And as for your situation of not getting enough sex, have you talked to your husband about it? Have you seen doctors, if he has problems? If he has no problems, just a lower sex drive, maybe you should just ask yourself what is more important - the love you feel for him or the sex you have? Does it kill you not to get enough sex? The world, contrary to popular opinion, does not revolve around sex. There are many many worse things in this life than not having sex, though you wouldn't know that from watching "Friends".

Sorry, but I think the Test Drive theory is Bullshit. Some form of minimal physical attraction is required at the begining of course but after that its 99% about other things. It appears that some people on here think that getting married is more about sex exploration than anything else. That is absurd and certainly not what marriage is about. Many who think that it is end up divorced. I mean think about it. After 10 years of being with someone would you divorce that person if they developed a sexual problem or dysfunction? The fact is, Sex is not the reason a marriage will survive over a life time, the mystery of true love is!

[u2zed]

Marriage and love are not only about sex, true. But no matter what element of a relationship it is (friendship, trust, understanding, sex, etc.), if some part of a relationship breaks down entirely, it's hard to hold that relationship together. It's crass and completely thoughtless for anyone to assume that because sexual differences led to my breakup, that means sex is all I value.

Also, to 80'sU2isBest: Did I say anywhere that I thought children should have sex? It seemed to me we were all talking about adult relationships here. And, incidentally, why is it only teenage *girls* you're so concerned about? Shouldn't the boys be discouraged from having sex as well?

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you've got the right shoes to get you through the night

[This message has been edited by u2zed (edited 10-15-2001).]

[80sU2isBest]

Originally posted by u2zed:
Also, to 80'sU2isBest: Did I say anywhere that I thought children should have sex? It seemed to me we were all talking about adult relationships here. And, incidentally, why is it only teenage *girls* you're so concerned about? Shouldn't the boys be discouraged from having sex as well?

Oh come on. You know as well as I do that teenagers emulate what they see adults doing. And when society says "it's okay to smoke...it's okay to drink" kids do it. And when society says "it's okay to have sex, as long as you use protection", that's condoning it, and kids think "hey adults do it all the time, they show it on TV, they encourage each other, so what can be wrong with it?" You can't just say "it's okay to take a test drive" and have kids not be affected by it. And no, I'm not just concerned about teenaged girls having sex. Obviously, if I don't think teenaged girls should have sex, it stands to reason I think teenaged boys shouldn't have sex. The reason I talked about girls is because they are the ones that more often pay the price. They get pregnant because they were taught by society that there's nothing wrong with teenaged sex.

[doctorwho]

Originally posted by DrTeeth:
Actually, most 30 year old women have only had 3 or 4 sexpartners but Klodomir by herself cranks the average up to 10.

That is, as Mr. Juan Swallow would say, an outstanding "guffaw!" Seriously, this is one of the cutest yet funniest things I've read on Interference! *applauds*

As for me...

If I was in my early 20's, I would have reacted the way many of you did (i.e., my partner MUST have be chaste! :mad , but now that I'm in my latter 30's, I fully expect any partner to have a decent amount of experience. Now, I may raise an eyebrow if the number hits 50 or more, but I doubt it will truly effect my views of that person.

I used to worry that if a person has been with numerous other people (putting STD's aside for the moment), then that's an indication that they are "seeking" something - something that most likely I (or anyone else) cannot provide (hence why there are so many partners). However, I now feel that this worry is silly. If I can't "satisfy" this person, then I won't be marrying this person, now will I?

In other words, I'm not as worried about the past as I am about the present and future. Past promiscuity is fine - however, current infidelity is not.

[Peaseblossom]

Not to be nosy, but have any of the people bashing the "test drive" theory ever been stuck in a relationship where the sex was bad? Or in one where your higher sex drive left you feeling bad about yourself (I've been there too)? It's a pretty terrible situation to get yourself into, and it really can drag a relationship down. Not so much the sex, but the feelings that result from not being fulfilled.

[80sU2isBest]

Originally posted by Peaseblossom:
Not to be nosy, but have any of the people bashing the "test drive" theory ever been stuck in a relationship where the sex was bad? Or in one where your higher sex drive left you feeling bad about yourself (I've been there too)? It's a pretty terrible situation to get yourself into, and it really can drag a relationship down. Not so much the sex, but the feelings that result from not being fulfilled.

I'm 34 years old, haven't had sex since I was 23, and even that was a situation I didn't want to be in. And I feel not in the least unfulfilled. But then again, my fulfillment is not based on others' acceptance of me or even on pleasure but in knowing that the Lord God himself loves me enough that his Son died for me. That is an incredible esteem builder!

[melon]

Originally posted by u2zed:
Did I say anywhere that I thought children should have sex? It seemed to me we were all talking about adult relationships here. And, incidentally, why is it only teenage *girls* you're so concerned about? Shouldn't the boys be discouraged from having sex as well?

When it's anti-sex, it's about girls. When it's anti-gay, it's about boys. Quite the conservative pattern usually. And, FYI, this isn't directed at 80s himself.

Melon

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"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

[melon]

Originally posted by STING:
Sorry, but I think the Test Drive theory is Bullshit. Some form of minimal physical attraction is required at the begining of course but after that its 99% about other things. It appears that some people on here think that getting married is more about sex exploration than anything else. That is absurd and certainly not what marriage is about. Many who think that it is end up divorced. I mean think about it. After 10 years of being with someone would you divorce that person if they developed a sexual problem or dysfunction? The fact is, Sex is not the reason a marriage will survive over a life time, the mystery of true love is!

We never agree on anything. In fact, I think we disagree on 99.9% of everything...but I agree with this completely.

Melon

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"He had lived through an age when men and women with energy and ruthlessness but without much ability or persistence excelled. And even though most of them had gone under, their ignorance had confused Roy, making him wonder whether the things he had striven to learn, and thought of as 'culture,' were irrelevant. Everything was supposed to be the same: commercials, Beethoven's late quartets, pop records, shopfronts, Freud, multi-coloured hair. Greatness, comparison, value, depth: gone, gone, gone. Anything could give some pleasure; he saw that. But not everything provided the sustenance of a deeper understanding." - Hanif Kureishi, Love in a Blue Time

I just like to say first off that any marriage or long term relationship is hard period! The marriages that survive are the ones that are able to go on when multiple elements of the relationship fail at the same time. Marriage is not something easy. At some point in nearly every marriage, for one reason or the other, sexual dysfunction will be experienced by one or both partners. I think its absurd for Mom to walk away from Dad because he can't get it up any more, or for Dad to leave Mom simply because she doesn't seem to be in the "mood" anymore. Marriage is about a lot more than sex. In most marriages and relationships many elements go wrong, no one element and certainly not one that is so primitive can break a marriage or serious relationship
that is based on true love.
I have been in relationship where there were differences as far as sex drive and other sexual things, and at no time was that a reason for ending the relationship.

[80sU2isBest]

Originally posted by melon:
When it's anti-sex, it's about girls. When it's anti-gay, it's about boys. Quite the conservative pattern usually. And, FYI, this isn't directed at 80s himself.
Melon

Actually, Melon, I think you will find that most conservatives don't want anyone to have sex as teenagers, male or female. I'm glad you didn't direct this one at me, because I had already answered the person. Thanks for letting me know it wasn't aimed at me - I would have told you to read my previous post.

[pub crawler]

Originally posted by Peaseblossom:
Not to be nosy, but have any of the people bashing the "test drive" theory ever been stuck in a relationship where the sex was bad? Or in one where your higher sex drive left you feeling bad about yourself (I've been there too)? It's a pretty terrible situation to get yourself into, and it really can drag a relationship down. Not so much the sex, but the feelings that result from not being fulfilled.

While I did bash Test Drive Theory earlier in this thread, I wasn't speaking to relationships in which there is a significant imbalance in sex drive between partners. I would think sexual dysfunction is a complicated matter and has to do with more than the physical act of sex.

My point was, if you're test driving someone to see how they handle on the road (in terms of technique, not potency or libido) and if you're using that experience to determine if you'll have a relationship with them or not, well, then, your modus operandi is rather shallow and it's pretty much guaranteed you're not going to find what you're looking for. (I'm using the generic "you" here, not referring to anyone in particular).

Probably, though, proponents of Test Drive Theory would be more likely to argue that test driving is good for determining whether or not there is an emotional connection between two people. *shrugs*

I prefer a more simple method. Look 'em deep in the eyes, and you'll know if it's going to happen.

[80sU2isBest]

good points, pub!

[Ana]

Originally posted by Hitman:
For women: Does the amount of girls a man has slept with sway you one way or the other? Would you object or be turned on to a number of women he has slept with?"

To me it doesn't matter his past. As long he's having sex with me at time...



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I've got no hope in this world...
Just you...
and you are not mine...
Stateless

[bonovista]

I just really wonder, if a guy has had mainly one night stands around 30 of them in his life, can he be trusted? Is this the type of guy that can really be with one woman his whole life? Or will he eventually be bored with seeing the same body day after day.

[adam's_mistress]

Originally posted by bonovista:
I just really wonder, if a guy has had mainly one night stands around 30 of them in his life, can he be trusted? Is this the type of guy that can really be with one woman his whole life? Or will he eventually be bored with seeing the same body day after day.

My husband of 7 years was incredibly promiscuous, and he had taken a vow (though it was short lived) to celibacy before he met me. When I first met him I wasn't turned off by his past, I was more intrigued by it. I was hardly the promiscuous type, and if I were able to count the men I'd been with on my fingers, I wouldn't have made it past the first hand. When I first met my husband I wanted to know why he had fallen on so many beds, what it was like (I know that sounds gross) and what exactly he was looking for. It wasn't surprising to me when he told me that more than 2/3 of his sexual encounters were empty and meaninglesss and unfullfilling. As I got to know him, I learned that the root of his promiscuity stemmed all the way back to his childhood. Low self esteem mainly focused around his weight, lack of friends, his father's unstable marriage, and his mother's unstable marriages. The sticker was that throughout his childhood, no girl would talk to him because he was geeky and overweight and liked to read a lot and play video games. Only until he lost a bunch of weight, grew his hair out, and developed a bad boy persona, did the girls even show a slight interest in him - and unfortunately those girls were interested in having a good looking guy on their arm as much as many guys are interested having a good looking girl to hold hands with.

By the time he was 21 he'd been with over 30 women, not including the side flings of 4th base and heavy petting. It took a woman breaking his heart to change the way he felt about himself and the way he saw relationships as a whole. He wanted to be with someone who loved what's on the inside... Funny that I was looking for the same thing.

We married a few short months after that and so far our marriage has been a happy one. Granted we've had our severe ups and downs, but we've jumped those hurdles, together. I know in my heart that he would never cheat on me, and in our whole time together he has never gave me a reason to feel otherwise. Our marriage is one of the heart and mind and soul as well as body. We are solid all around.

As far as the physicalities of our relationship goes, there's been times when we've both felt low on our self image and projected it against one another. More so myself than my husband. When I was pregnant and as big as a house, my husband (God love him) was excited about the changes in my body, and excited that I was carrying his child. After the birth of our son when I was feeling fat and disgusting, he still revelled in the way my body had changed. A year and half later when I'd lost all the baby fat, my husband treated me no different physically than he did when we first met, or after I gave birth to our boy.

I know the physical aspects of a courtship aren't pinnacle to a lasting relationship/marriage - trust in someone is something you feel in your heart and that has been paramount in our time as a couple. For myself, it's all about knowing your partner and trusting each other. Despite my husband's shady past, if I ever had a doubt about his trust in seeing my body every single day, I wouldn't have married him. It's hard to explain... it's just something I "know."

Sorry for the long life story here...