sarah_U27 said:
it dawned on me that I've been going through that. for a long time. I was amazed. It was a total revelation. Damit I'm depressed again. It's not going away, it's still there.
I'm not the only one who struggles from this rotton depression. Life can get so HEAVY. Life is getting difficult. I can't tolerate it, other than crying out to God.
I'm about ready to go on Prozac again.
It sounds like you have been on medication before. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have been medicated for depression - I don't think I'd be here right now otherwise. The very first time I was diagnosed, I went through counseling with a wonderful Christian counselor and was able to see all the nasties I had stuffed away throughout my life and why they were manifesting themselves at that particular time. Depression is just like *any* other medical disease - there is a cause - it may be psychologically/emotionally based, chemically based, or a combo of those. If you don't control or eliminate the cause, it will never go away. I was able to eliminate the psychological instigators, and with the added help of medication, I was able to feel normal again.
I went off Prozac after several months under the guidance of my doctor, who was careful to warn both my husband Karl and me that the depression might someday return. He really stressed to my husband the need to be watchful because very often the person who is affected does not realize it is happening again.
And that is exactly what happened. 6 months later I was severely depressed, I believe triggered by stress and the circumstances of my life. Even though I had experienced it before, I could not see it while I was in the midst of it. I was able to be treated again because my husband recognized the signs and insisted that I see my doctor. After another several months of medication, my doctor and I talked about going off again, but this time warned me that if I had another bout, I would likely need to be on an antidepressant for the rest of my life. I knew this was a strong possibility as I have a family history of depession. As it turned out, I was back on medication soon after and have been on an antidepressant for the past 3 years.
Some people might see this as an addiction, but this drug (thankfully) does not work that way. It takes a good 2 weeks to take effect when starting it, I don't feel any different after taking it, or even if I forget to take it for a few days. Some might say I am weak or not trusting God, but as I said I truly see this as any other disease or sickness you might have to take medication for, like diabetes or arthritis. What do we say about those parents out there in the cults where they let their children die of infections that could so easily be treated with antibiotics but they didn't take them to a doctor because they were "trusting God"?
Wow, excuse my rambling
Really I just say all this to encourage you to get help sarah_U27. It can be hard to see that you're having a problem when you're in the midst of it. My mom has always been very sensitive and discerning in regards to my emotional state, and has been very helpful to Karl in 'keeping an eye on me'. And yet she became depressed almost 2 years ago and kept denying that there was anything wrong. She also had a lot of 'triggers' at that point in her life, so I almost wanted to explain it away as well, and again it was my husband (who has now seen it enough times) who relentlessly pushed for her to see a doctor. Thankfully she went, got help, and is doing great.
I don't think a pill can solve everything - my relationship with God has been very important to my recoveries. This isn't to say that God can't or won't heal me of this, but I do believe I need to do my part to stay healthy. I would strongly recommend that you seek godly counsel if you haven't already, and also see a doctor - and don't be afraid to say that you think you might be depressed! I was, the first time I went to my doctor, and thankfully he put depression as one of his rule-outs when I simply said that I was having trouble sleeping. It's truly nothing to be ashamed of, and it's so easy to get help. I'm praying that you will
*edit
Ya know, I just don't think this post is long enough......
J/K - hippy I just realized that although I had read your post before I had never bothered to comment on it - kudos to you for the courage to post it, you've blessed alot of us