Last Year

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Keep in mind, this is first draft, written tonight.


Last Year

Last year
We walked into the bar on the end of my old street
No cares in our minds
Had some beers, shared old laughs
The next day spiraled soft like vines

Last year
Plans were made and the time was ours
Resting in empty palms for the asking
Everything had its place in the movement
No questions asked, then-

Children fell along with the rain
Praying men wondered what for
Blame was a game we sought to find
Every possible strategy for

Last year
I cried for things never meant to be
Caved in when my heart could hold up no more
At the way I would never see anything again

 

[ACROB@T]

The next day spiraled soft like vines

Children fell along with the rain
Praying men wondered what for
Blame was a game we sought to find
Every possible strategy for

I cried for things never meant to be
Caved in when my heart could hold up no more
At the way I would never see anything again

..very heartfelt

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Thanks, Paul.

Looking over it again now, it doesn't "look" right.

Maybe I've been on a break from poetry for too long...time to go back to the drawing board.

 

[zooropamanda]

love this line april

The next day spiraled soft like vines


i dont really like to critisize anyone's work generally but you said it looks wrong..to me it kinda felt like it was shifting between genres or styles almost.
first with the almost casual..
We walked into the bar on the end of my old street
No cares in our minds
Had some beers, shared old laughs
then it turns very pretty and poetic.
maybe im rambling, i dont know...
just my thoughts for now.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

My thoughts exactly, manda.

It goes from one extreme to the other, and it's got some work ahead of it. Posted it a bit hastily, lol.

Thanks for the critique.