Nice Guys

[UberBeaver]

Maybe this falls under 2 but - "he doesn't know what he wants" - that is one of the worst qualities you can have in a man and a lesson that I learned very well. If you don't know what you want (from me, from life), you're being friended immediately and without looking back.

This usually means that the guy knows what he wants, but he doesn't want you to know what it is....

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

Honestly, I'm glad you posted this. It's so easy to fall into a lot of these attitudes when you are actually looking for a relationship. That's why mostly, when you look for it, it never happens. Because you have that need of the relationship instead the person.

Anyway, I digress. I'm glad this was posted. It put a name to a lot of the stuff I couldn't figure out or pinpoint on my own.

 

[LemonMelon]

This usually means that the guy knows what he wants, but he doesn't want you to know what it is....

This is a bad strategy for men.

Mystique typically goes out the window once you see somebody scratch themselves in sweat pants. If they still haven't revealed their personality by then, they probably don't have one.

 

[Achtung11]

Hi-

Can anyone explain in more detail what "he doesn't know what he wants" means? I hear how women want a man that "knows what he wants", but I've never fully understand what it means. Does it mean that he has to be decisive on every issue big and small (everything from, where he wants to eat, to where he wants to live)? Does it mean he has to know what career path he's going to follow? Obviously, it means, he has to know whether or not he wants a relationship with you a.k.a. no "middle ground".

But yea, what exactly does it mean, and why is it such a turn off if he doesn't know what he wants (as for career choice, or whatever else)?

Thanks

 

[cobl04]

i've probably already posted this six times, but the games are so fucking frustrating.

say you meet a girl yeah. it goes well, whatever. you text her that night, you're being clingy and smothering and too keen. but on the other hand it's sweet and shows you are interested. then on facebook there are groups like "the best is getting a text from a boy saying goodnight xx". if you don't text for a little while, maybe a couple of days, you appear cool & aloof, apparently. but on the other hand, it shows no care and says "i'm not that interested". if you text as opposed to calling, that's taking the easy way out. on the other hand, it's cute, not overly keen. if you call, it means you're no regular bloke, you're really interested. on the other hand, it also means you are going for too much too soon.

and this is all assuming both parties are at least somewhat interested!

what. le. fuck.

 

[Fernando-]

i've probably already posted this six times, but the games are so fucking frustrating.

say you meet a girl yeah. it goes well, whatever. you text her that night, you're being clingy and smothering and too keen. but on the other hand it's sweet and shows you are interested. then on facebook there are groups like "the best is getting a text from a boy saying goodnight xx". if you don't text for a little while, maybe a couple of days, you appear cool & aloof, apparently. but on the other hand, it shows no care and says "i'm not that interested". if you text as opposed to calling, that's taking the easy way out. on the other hand, it's cute, not overly keen. if you call, it means you're no regular bloke, you're really interested. on the other hand, it also means you are going for too much too soon.

and this is all assuming both parties are at least somewhat interested!

what. le. fuck.

Bravo!

 

[Purplereign]

i've probably already posted this six times, but the games are so fucking frustrating.

say you meet a girl yeah. it goes well, whatever. you text her that night, you're being clingy and smothering and too keen. but on the other hand it's sweet and shows you are interested. then on facebook there are groups like "the best is getting a text from a boy saying goodnight xx". if you don't text for a little while, maybe a couple of days, you appear cool & aloof, apparently. but on the other hand, it shows no care and says "i'm not that interested". if you text as opposed to calling, that's taking the easy way out. on the other hand, it's cute, not overly keen. if you call, it means you're no regular bloke, you're really interested. on the other hand, it also means you are going for too much too soon.

and this is all assuming both parties are at least somewhat interested!

what. le. fuck.

just do what feels right for you and if it's meant to happen it will . . . I know, airy fairy advice from a mummy that mayhaps will be taken with a grain of salt (where is the respect for your elders ) . . . but truly, trust that instinct, that inner voice, and let the rest take care of itself

 

[MrPryck2U]

I can't believe this thread is still going after over a year. I thought it was Green Day that said it best: Nice guys finish last.

 

[joerags]

I can't believe this thread is still going after over a year. I thought it was Green Day that said it best: Nice guys finish last.

Amen. Nice guys are boring and wimpy. All women, and I mean all women, want bad boys. They are more fun.

Guys don't want to be called nice. It's the kiss of death.

 

[coolian2]

Nice guys finish last.

well, it's only polite.

 

[MrPryck2U]

Guys don't want to be called nice. It's the kiss of death.

Right, might as well load the revolver. Friendzone for life.

 

[Pearl]

Amen. Nice guys are boring and wimpy. All women, and I mean all women, want bad boys. They are more fun.

Gee, thanks for the stereotype. No wonder why you're still single.

 

[VintagePunk]

well, it's only polite.

lol!!

 

[joerags]

Friendzone for life.

Men and women cannot be friends. All men want is sex. That's all we want. We don't want girls for friends. We want girls for sex, and only sex. That's all we think about. That's all we care about. There are three things men need every day: food, sleep and sex. If we don't have enough of all three, every single day, we get cranky.

 

[MrPryck2U]

Men and women cannot be friends. All men want is sex. That's all we want. We don't want girls for friends. We want girls for sex, and only sex. That's all we think about. That's all we care about. There are three things men need every day: food, sleep and sex. If we don't have enough of all three, every single day, we get cranky.

You forgot silence. Men want silence too.

 

[joerags]

You forgot silence. Men want silence too.

 

[MrPryck2U]

Us 37 year olds gotta stick together.

 

[joerags]

Us 37 year olds gotta stick together.

 

[ryancoke71]

 

[U2387]

I am in a classic nice guy mess right now. And it sucks.

I am 23 and for a long, long time now, I, an otherwise highly functioning/capable person, have been utterly unable to drum up the courage to ask any girl out. I am not vein in the least bit, but I very often get compliments on my looks from random strangers.

In college, I had a lot of girls just flat out tell me they thought I was cute, or they would flirt with me a lot and smile around me. I had 2 very attractive and intelligent young women in my classes take a strong interest in me without me even asking. In the 1st case, she started talking to me in class and in the 2nd case, she arranged a study date through one of my roomates. Both made suggestions that we hang out, do things, etc, clearly inviting me to come forward a bit, but I never did. Too nervous and insecure, I have very little self confidence and I just couldn't believe that these girls(especially the 2nd one, a gorgeous Abercrombie wearing blonde soccer player who could get any 35 yr old lawyer in town if she wanted to) would take an interest in me.

I really feel like I blew it, especially with the blonde who I was much more compatible with and was much more natural to talk to. I am still in touch with both girls- but one is in DC and the other is in Florida and I am in Boston, so that is problematic.

I have had a lot of stress in life in the last couple years- my Dad got sick and passed away, I have had difficulty finding a job to pay off college loans and I really do not know what to do with the rest of my life.

However, I have come recently to a strong realization that no one is going to be able to change the situation I am in but myself. To that end, I have recently been drumming up the courage to actually take some initiative with girls. I work security at concerts and met a gorgeous girl at the Backstreet Boys reunion show a couple months ago, I gave her my phone number. I saw her again(fate would have it!) last night at the Maroon 5 show, she recognized me right away and I told her later that night that Adam Levine said she should really give me her phone number Well I got it, and now I have of course realized that its not so damn hard to do, and really, WTF do you have to lose?

So just when I am ready to hit the bookstores or the gym or more concerts or maybe(if that awesome U2 tribute band Joshua Tree is playing) the bars, a girl I work with drops a bombshell on me! I like this girl, she is cute, very nice and intelligent, but she is kind of out there and she really does not do it for me. I can't explain it, but you all know what I mean. I have been friends with her sister and her brother in law(who is one of the higher managers at the security company I work at) for 5 years. We have gone out for pizza together in a group, but tonight, when I thought we were doing that again, her sister left her with me alone. And she was wearing heels to a dive pizza joint Then she takes the check, wont let me see it, gives it to the waitress w/her card. I protest, and she says " I asked you, I'll pay." I responded "I got next time, then." She says "you have to ask then." I was shocked but said nothing. Manipulative much? I didn't even know it was our 1st date, and she has a cooked up in the middle of the night scheme to get a 2nd date??????????

Anyways, I get home and there is a big long Facebook message from her saying that it was really her way of asking for a date and she can't read me but she really likes me, blah, blah, blah. I honestly don't know what to do now, and I honestly haven't even read the whole damn thing. Just key points, and then I got physically sick. I had the sense she liked me but I was hoping it would stay in the friend zone without getting awkward. Now its super awkward, with the very forward facebook message, the fact that I know her sister and bro in law and that he is one of the managers of a company I have worked for the past 5 years. And I met U2 because of this job!!

So now I would of course, being a nice guy and all, feel like a jerk if I rejected her or gave her some run around that amounted to "lets be friends." Plus, going to work would be awkward, which I never wanted out of a part time job that lets me see shows and have funny stories of hauling drunk assholes out of concerts.

But now that I am finding out that getting numbers and putting yourself out there really isn't as hard as I cracked it up to be, I don't want to settle for something that wont satisfy me in the end. I know I can do better, I was given open invitations that I was afraid to respond to by better quite frequently in college.

Granted, there is definitely a bit of selfishness and bitterness involved here on my part. The way I look at it is(and this is unhealthy) I had numerous crushes and desires in the last 8 or so years and I just shut my mouth, so why should I just cave into the 1st person who is forward enough when its not really what I want? Why should I give what I never got myself? I never walked up to the super attractive, super nice, intelligent volleyball player that I had a crush on and said "lets have a date, I need to know right now do you like me, I really like you, etc" just because we had friendly conversations and smiled at each other.

Sorry x1000 for the long post, and here is a cliffnotes summary:
I think a girl I work with is freakin infatuated with me, she has basically said as much and demonstrated this through her actions, and I am such a cliche nice guy that I am afraid about how her and everyone I work with will take a "lets be friends" answer.

Desperate for advice here. This is where I go when my friends aren't up to call, I trust the intelligence of fellow U2 fans!!

Seriously, thanks in advance to all!

 

[cobl04]

i have no advice, other than the Zoo Confesh standard "go for it", but i do have to say something here, and i mean absolutely no offence to you by saying it.

it does "shit me up the wall" that people like yourself have opportunities like the ones you mentioned and not do anything about it. i have always lacked a bit of confidence, but i am sort of in the opposite scenario... my opportunities have usually been few and far between, but when they have arrived i have had enough confidence to do something about it, whatever that something was.

i really, really hate to sound like a whiny little bitch here, which is why i'm loathe to post this, but when you don't get as many "opportunities" like those around you, it is annoying to see people not take advantage of them, because if i was in that situation i would. in particular i'm talking about "inviting me to come forward, I never did... I couldn't believe these girls would take an interest in me". that just floors me.

ughhh sorry

 

[U2387]

i have no advice, other than the Zoo Confesh standard "go for it", but i do have to say something here, and i mean absolutely no offence to you by saying it.

it does "shit me up the wall" that people like yourself have opportunities like the ones you mentioned and not do anything about it. i have always lacked a bit of confidence, but i am sort of in the opposite scenario... my opportunities have usually been few and far between, but when they have arrived i have had enough confidence to do something about it, whatever that something was.

i really, really hate to sound like a whiny little bitch here, which is why i'm loathe to post this, but when you don't get as many "opportunities" like those around you, it is annoying to see people not take advantage of them, because if i was in that situation i would. in particular i'm talking about "inviting me to come forward, I never did... I couldn't believe these girls would take an interest in me". that just floors me.

ughhh sorry

No offense taken and no need to apologize.

I regret not taking these opportunities big time now, and often kick myself for not taking them. I am well aware that many people do not get the same kind of opportunities. I have never blamed anyone but myself- I make an analogy with the "swing and miss" versus "look at 3 strikes" scenario. You never want to go down looking, never getting the bat off of your shoulder. That is how I view it- I never swung the goddamn bat, and believe me, I have hit myself over the head with that bat enough because of it! Coaches will sit a kid down for the game who looks at 3 strikes to teach them a lesson.

That being said, you can't truly judge something like this until you have felt it yourself. Felt the sweat gather under your clothes and your knees start to shake as you make your way across campus to a party that a girl invited you to. This happened to me with that blonde girl I mentioned above, she had a boyfriend at the time but she invited me to a party she and her roomates had, and ultimately, I was too nervous to even walk in the door.

You can judge other things, if I call someone a crude name or make racial remarks, you can judge me as a rude asshole, if I rape or kill someone you could call me a violent scumbag, if I stalk someone, you can call me a creep. Judge things like that, but something like I have experienced, believe me, it can't be judged by a 3rd party.

 

[cobl04]

oh you definitely can't judge as an outsider. particularly when you're talking to a faceless person you've never met on a blue screen. i was expressing general frustration, you just provided me with the example

i was going to ask if your nervousness was nervous anticipation, excitement, "butterflies", but then you said you couldn't walk in the door, so it was obviously quite real.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

u2387, unless you just can't stand the prospect of dating her, why not give it a go? it's not like you're making some huge commitment! since you said turning her down would be awkward, just try going on one or two dates with her. then things can run their own course and it'd be unlikely there'd be any huge fallout.

 

[BoMac]

Men and women cannot be friends. All men want is sex. That's all we want. We don't want girls for friends. We want girls for sex, and only sex. That's all we think about. That's all we care about. There are three things men need every day: food, sleep and sex. If we don't have enough of all three, every single day, we get cranky.

I categorically disagree with this, so I do hope that smiley at the end indicates that you're joking.

As someone who has many female friends, I can tell you that I have absolutely no issue maintaining platonic relationships with them. In fact, a majority of my friends are female and I don't look at them as sex objects, but rather I enjoy their company. And I'm not in this so-called "friendzone" either because, for whatever reason, I never had any feelings for any of them at the outset of the friendship.

Admittedly, a couple of these friendships eventually turned into relationships, but that was not the intent of me seeking their friendship in the first place.

 

[ryancoke71]

I actually admire the fact that she was that forward. It almost sounded like you didn't want to say yes, because you were never that forward. Be flattered that she was brave enough to at least put it out there, and if you really don't feel it, then let her know. It sounds like you have become more forward yourself too, which is great. I am an "old" married woman, but that is how I see it!

BoMac, I was hoping joerags was joking, because when I first read it, I wanted to respond, in a not so nice way! If that is his attitude, he cannot be surprised that he is still single! FYI, if you want silence, become a monk, or stay single!

 

[VintagePunk]

U2387, it sounds almost like you resent this girl a bit for having fortitude and courage that you didn't, in putting herself out there, and if I'm reading that right (admittedly, I might not be), that's really not fair to her. When you say this:

Granted, there is definitely a bit of selfishness and bitterness involved here on my part. The way I look at it is(and this is unhealthy) I had numerous crushes and desires in the last 8 or so years and I just shut my mouth, so why should I just cave into the 1st person who is forward enough when its not really what I want? Why should I give what I never got myself?

it sounds like you're punishing her for your lack of balls in the past, and that's...not nice.

That said, I do understand just not feeling it with someone (although I question if that's fully the case, or if it's some misguided punishment, as I said above). Coupled with this is the potential awkwardness and complications you might experience at work due to working with her (bad) and her relative being your boss (worse).

If you're *really* not feeling it with her, I think the kindest thing you could do is to spare her feelings by bowing out gracefully. If you think an "I'm just not that into you" is too harsh, tell her thanks, but you're interested in someone else at the moment.

I'd tell you to call the girl you met at the concerts, and I'm sorry if this comes across as being harsh, but judging from the tone of your post and particularly the part I quoted above, I think you probably have a little work to do before you date or pursue a relationship with anyone. I think part of you probably recognizes this, hence your admission that your attitude is "unhealthy."

 

[juliaguliaxo94]

Sorry x1000 for the long post, and here is a cliffnotes summary:
I think a girl I work with is freakin infatuated with me, she has basically said as much and demonstrated this through her actions, and I am such a cliche nice guy that I am afraid about how her and everyone I work with will take a "lets be friends" answer.

Desperate for advice here. This is where I go when my friends aren't up to call, I trust the intelligence of fellow U2 fans!!

Seriously, thanks in advance to all!

That's sweet how you care about how she will take it, but you shouldn't care how the people you work with will take it. It's none of their business, it's just yours and hers.

And yeah, the only thing I can suggest is to just try it. And if it turns out messy, then hey, big deal. We all have bad breakup stories, this might be one of those. Or it might not. Either way, you can look forward to your next relationship.

I feel like I probably should have read the whole thing, in case I missed some important details..Sorry, I'm just not in a reading mood right now..

But good luck!

 

[juliaguliaxo94]

Men and women cannot be friends. All men want is sex. That's all we want. We don't want girls for friends. We want girls for sex, and only sex. That's all we think about. That's all we care about. There are three things men need every day: food, sleep and sex. If we don't have enough of all three, every single day, we get cranky.

Um, no. Men and women can definitely be just friends. While most of my friends are female, I have a few close male friends who, if they wanted to be in a relationship with me, would have made a move by now, and they haven't. Everyday I observe and/or experience girls/myself hanging out with boys who obviously do not want a relationship with them, whilst having innocent, normal fun. Not to mention with adults. My dad is friends with many women at his workplace, he doesn't like them anymore as such, otherwise he would've left my mom by now. The same thing with other men at his office, it seems they are all friends on a platonic level regardless of gender.

The boys I know care about an infinite amount of thing other than food, sleep, and sex. How about vacationing, phones, COD, partying, music, television, sports, art, computer programs, Facebook, Youtube, iPhone apps, exercising, friends, etc.?

I don't know if you were joking or something, but if you weren't, that's what I had to say to that.

 

[UberBeaver]

it sounds like you're punishing her for your lack of balls in the past, and that's...not nice.

And this will only make her like him more. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy! Nice guys CANNOT win, is that what you're saying, VP?