Major Depression

[redhotswami]

Why are you against being hospitalized? Even just once?

You say if you went to the hospital every time you had a suicidal thought, then you wouldn't be at home and you might as well sell your house.

Maybe you shouldn't be at home.

Those thoughts are consuming and you're spinning your mind around.

While hospitalized, you'd have rational people to talk to all the time.

You ended your post with "if I can feel better, I want to", but the rest of your post doesn't really speak that to me. You sound very indifferent about your life, you called it sub-mediocre, and if you are trying to strategize your psych so that you can have access to a drug that can either help you or kill you, I'm really not convinced about your commitment to your health.

If you REALLY want to have the option to feel better, then perhaps you shouldn't eliminate the possibility of being hospitalized, which can be a real help. I feel like you're focusing mainly on disappointment, that the drugs will not help, and that you're just going to be depressed for your whole life. That is absolutely not true.

This week is a very emotional week for me. Ryan's birthday is this week, my friend who was killed at the school shooting. Also, this week is the 2 year anniversary of my friend Amanda's suicide. Both losses are equally tragic and painful to me. You want to have a rational conversation about suicide? Your suicide would greatly affect the lives of those of us who love you. You think you're just destroying your own, but you'd be destroying my life as well.

 

[VintagePunk]

if I can feel better, I want to.

I think this part of your post is key. If you really, truly mean this, you'll hang on, because from what you've said, you're far from having had exhausted all treatment options. The fact is, some things work better with the brain chemistry of some people than other things do. Finding out what works optimally for you may take some time and effort, but it will be worth it. And from what you're proposing, the finality of it all, you owe it to yourself and to the people in your life to find out.

You need to listen - really listen to what Mia and your other friends are saying to you. They're right. This isn't rational thought you're experiencing, this is the disease talking. I was overwhelmed by the caring their posts showed. These people genuinely love you and want to help.

You also need to start being completely honest with your psychiatrist. With the gravity of what you're proposing, and if feeling well again is really what you'd prefer, you have to trust the person who can make that happen for you, and be honest. Think about it for a sec - on one hand, you're looking at the end. On the other hand, you could be completely honest and try other options. This *may* include a short term hospital stay, where they adjust and monitor your meds, and you come out feeling better and embracing life again. Why is the latter so scary for you, in comparison to the former? If you're not willing to do this, then you truly haven't tried everything you could in order to get yourself better. I know. My sister-in-law went through the same thing, and a hospitalization was the turning point for her. It worked, and now she's fine, she hasn't had a depressive episode in well over 12 years. It can happen for you, too, if you'd let it.

 

[Purplereign]

I’ll say it again, if I can feel better, I want to.

please listen to this, please

You need to listen - really listen to what Mia and your other friends are saying to you. They're right. This isn't rational thought you're experiencing, this is the disease talking. I was overwhelmed by the caring their posts showed. These people genuinely love you and want to help.

your friends are amazing . . . trust them . . . believe them . . . let them love you and take care of you and know that you are so very worthy of their love and support . . .

 

[VintagePunk]

Just wanted to say another thing. You may feel like you're in control and making a rational decision. Every ounce of you may be screaming "I know what I'm doing, this is what I want." But you're not. Depression affects not only moods, but also cognition and decision-making abilities. I've literally spent years learning the theories, reading the research, doing my own research, and soaking up information from my mentor, a clinical psychologist. Theories about the development, progress and treatment of depression may differ, but they ALL agree that cognition becomes faulty. All of them. That's not me saying "omg, I have to stop her from offing herself," that's a FACT.

 

[Screwtape2]

I’ll say it again, if I can feel better, I want to.

I think you do want to feel better but you are too cowardly to actually do what is required to feel better. See you want others to help you but remove their ability to. You want to talk to a professional but don't want to give too many details. You wanted someone to talk openly with about suicide but not allow them to talk you out of it. The fact is at this point you don't need someone to hold your hand. What you need is brutal honesty. You won't allow that though because depression makes you comfortable with isolation and sorrow. No one can help you unless you begin to help yourself. I repeat NO ONE CAN HELP YOU UNTIL YOU BEGIN TO HELP YOURSELF. Major depression is a mental illness. It blinds you to reason and to the rest of the world. Like all major illnesses you need a cure. The cure to depression requires a combination of personal will and mental health professionals. You need the first before the second.

What you need to do is stop being afraid and tell yourself that you will not let depression beat you. You will not let depression run your life. You will not have a sub-mediocre life. And you will tell yourself these things every single day until you have control of your life. Overcoming depression is going to be the hardest thing that you ever do. It will not be easy but it will be worth it. I know it might seem impossible to believe this but when you do overcome it, every single day you spend with family, friends or in a beautiful place will make you feel like the most blessed person in the world. The world is extraordinary when you take off the blindfold.

You have to draw a line in the sand and from that point onwards push yourself to recovery. You can do it and others can help you but you have to first commit to getting better at all costs. You have nothing to fear. No one can help you until you help yourself so bring out the courage because so many people are waiting to support you in this challenge. A life without depression is extraordinary and you deserve an extrordinary life.

 

[iwearlemon]

Drownoutheworld, if you really wanted to get better, you would have taken on a more active role in your own healing. But right now, I understand that you are in the jaws of this horrible disease and you can't pull yourself from it. You need to trust your friends and the wonderful people on this board who are telling you THERE IS HELP and THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS THAN DEATH.

Death is final and ultimate. Once you make that decision, you won't be able to make any more. Please, try other options. Trust your therapist and psychiatrist and be honest with them. You need to tell them you are feeling that death is your only option, and you need to let them do what they need to do to help you. If you are so willing to let go of your own life, why can't you let go of your fear of getting properly treated and getting better? I can't help but think that you are afraid to get well because you can't imagine living a life where you aren't suffering with this disease. But you can have a very happy and fulfilling life; it's there for you. You just need to TRUST your friends and your doctors who are here FOR YOU. You need to let us do what we must to help you.

Please, listen to Unico: YOU DON'T HAVE TO CARRY THIS ALONE. If you go to a hospital, you will be surrounded by health care professionals who have rehabilitated people like yourself. They are there to help you, as they have helped so many other people. You aren't alone, and you aren't the only person who has suffered from major uni-polar depression. And you won't be the last to beat it.

Please, this week two years ago, my dear friend took her own life. It has left a black hole in my chest. Don't leave another one.

 

[redhotswami]

Please, this week two years ago, my dear friend took her own life. It has left a black hole in my chest. Don't leave another one.

Please, this week two years ago, my dear friend took her own life. It has left a black hole in my chest. Don't leave another one.

Please, this week two years ago, my dear friend took her own life. It has left a black hole in my chest. Don't leave another one.

Please, this week two years ago, my dear friend took her own life. It has left a black hole in my chest. Don't leave another one.

Please, this week two years ago, my dear friend took her own life. It has left a black hole in my chest. Don't leave another one.

Please, this week two years ago, my dear friend took her own life. It has left a black hole in my chest. Don't leave another one.

Please, this week two years ago, my dear friend took her own life. It has left a black hole in my chest. Don't leave another one.

Please, this week two years ago, my dear friend took her own life. It has left a black hole in my chest. Don't leave another one.

Please, this week two years ago, my dear friend took her own life. It has left a black hole in my chest. Don't leave another one.

Please, this week two years ago, my dear friend took her own life. It has left a black hole in my chest. Don't leave another one.

.

 

[iwearlemon]

You also need to start being completely honest with your psychiatrist. With the gravity of what you're proposing, and if feeling well again is really what you'd prefer, you have to trust the person who can make that happen for you, and be honest. Think about it for a sec - on one hand, you're looking at the end. On the other hand, you could be completely honest and try other options. This *may* include a short term hospital stay, where they adjust and monitor your meds, and you come out feeling better and embracing life again. Why is the latter so scary for you, in comparison to the former? If you're not willing to do this, then you truly haven't tried everything you could in order to get yourself better. I know. My sister-in-law went through the same thing, and a hospitalization was the turning point for her. It worked, and now she's fine, she hasn't had a depressive episode in well over 12 years. It can happen for you, too, if you'd let it.

Really think about this option. Spend more time visualizing this possibility than the possibility of taking your own life. THIS is reasonable. THIS is possible. You spend so much time thinking about death, you've become blind to what is obvious: THERE IS HOPE.

 

[redhotswami]

Really think about this option. Spend more time visualizing this possibility than the possibility of taking your own life. THIS is reasonable. THIS is possible. You spend so much time thinking about death, you've become blind to what is obvious: THERE IS HOPE.

This is very important. iwearlemon is right.

Throughout this thread you have been posting about trying to rationalize suicide. The truth is, like we all have said, your mind is clouded. Mental illness affects your cognitive processes. There is no way you can really look at this objectively, no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you are. Like I said, your neurotransmitters and hormones are out of whack, and you need to consider how that affects your synapses, and your response to everything. The best metaphor is that you're blindfolded right now, and you're trying to say that you're looking at something clearly, but you really aren't.

You have to accept that this is out of your hands now. Just as if it were a physical head trauma, your mental trauma requires immediate professional care and attention. You are not going to get that by staying at home and being selective about your medications, as well as selective about what you tell your doctors. You're going to have to submit yourself to the care of the people who are trained and educated to help people like you. That is the only way you're going to get better. I know you are a very responsible person, but this isn't your responsibility right now. You're playing a game and trying to get what you want by trying to come up with a plan to get that medication you're after. Yet, you don't even realize how serious that is. If you did, you'd walk into a hospital right now.

You've been fighting hard to do this on your own. Now it's time to let the professionals take care of it for you. Please, check yourself in to a hospital. Just once, and see how it works for you. It's another method of help, just like medication is.

 

[iwearlemon]

There are so many options to treat serious depression now:

Major Depressive Disorder: Treatment

Medical Therapies

Major depression is as crippling as chronic heart disease, yet many severely ill depressed patients receive little or no antidepressant therapy. This needless suffering is tragic in this age of newer, highly effective, antidepressant medications. [17]
Hospitalization

The first and most critical decision the therapist must make is whether to hospitalize a patient with major depression, or to attempt outpatient treatment.
Clear indications for hospitalization are: (1) risk of suicide or homicide, (2) grossly reduced ability to care for food, shelter, and clothing, and (3) the need for medical diagnostic procedures.
A patient with mild to moderate depression may be safely treated in the office if the therapist evaluates the patient frequently. The patient's support system should be strengthened and involved in treatment whenever possible.
Antidepressant Therapy

Antidepressant therapy for major depression can dramatically reduce suicide rates and hospitalization rates. [18]
Unfortunately, very few suicide victims receive antidepressants in adequate doses, and - even worse - most receive no treatment for depression whatsoever. [19] [20]
Most patients don't stay on their antidepressant medication long enough for it to be effective. A recent study found that only 25% of patients started on antidepressants by their family physician stayed on it longer than one month. [21]

 

[iwearlemon]

This is very important. iwearlemon is right.

You have to accept that this is out of your hands now. Just as if it were a physical head trauma, your mental trauma requires immediate professional care and attention. You are not going to get that by staying at home and being selective about your medications, as well as selective about what you tell your doctors. You're going to have to submit yourself to the care of the people who are trained and educated to help people like you. That is the only way you're going to get better. I know you are a very responsible person, but this isn't your responsibility right now. You're playing a game and trying to get what you want by trying to come up with a plan to get that medication you're after. Yet, you don't even realize how serious that is. If you did, you'd walk into a hospital right now.

It's time to get help. It's right there. Please, get the help you need. Go to the hospital. They'll carry your through this hard time.

You're thinking about getting meds to end your own life. It's serious. It's time to face the severity of your condition, and get the help you need.

We'll be here for you too. It's okay. We all need to be carried sometimes. "We've got to carry each other."

 

[iwearlemon]

You've been fighting hard to do this on your own. Now it's time to let the professionals take care of it for you. Please, check yourself in to a hospital. Just once, and see how it works for you. It's another method of help, just like medication is.

Couldn't have said it better. Hospitalization is just one way depression is treated, and it's effective. Please, give it a try.

 

[redhotswami]

Couldn't have said it better. Hospitalization is just one way depression is treated, and it's effective. Please, give it a try.

I also wanted to add that you don't have to be afraid of going to the hospital. You are not alone, and your condition is not unique. The medical staff there are trained to help people in your situation, and they do every day. I have a friend who had a friend in your situation. Same symptoms: major depression, cutting, and even attempting suicide. She was hospitalized for a year. This happened about 10 years ago. This past weekend, this woman got married, and to this day, she's not even on medication anymore. Her hospitalization saved her life, and turned her around.

I know you want to get married, and you want to have kids. You can achieve those goals if you get yourself the help that you need. You won't feel like this forever. You can, and will be happy, with the appropriate care and supervision.

You have to check yourself in to a hospital. I promise (and I'm sure our other friends will as well) I will write to you, and when it's allowed, I will visit. I'm off from school this summer, and although I'm way up here, I want you to know that I will come all the way down there to visit you. I care about you that much. You won't be alone when you are there.

If you agree to do this, I will also help you make arrangements for your cat to be temporarily fostered. We'll find a place where she is the only pet, and is taken care of.

We can work this out and make it happen. I will help you every step of the way. We all want you to get better.

 

[Purplereign]

A life without depression is extraordinary and you deserve an extrordinary life.

this . . . you do deserve it and you have a bunch of gorgeous people around you who will help you get there . . .

 

[financeguy]

Could be a bit of simplistic, but:

 

[lauramullen]

I know how you feel. I think about doing it sometimes too. Most mornings I don't even want to get out bed. All I think is, what is going to get thrown at me today. Most nights I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. A lot of these feelings are from being depressed and the death of my father brought them back. All of my friends were kind and caring after he passed away a little over a month ago and now it's like it happened years ago. I feel as if they don't care anymore. I also feel as if nothing goes right in my life and I'm so sad all the time that I just start crying for no reason. I just don't get why happy people are killed everyday, but I still have to be here.

 

[financeguy]

Ok, I’m not sure exactly what to say now. I deleted my post because I didn’t think it through all the way before posting it. I’m sorry about that. I guess I can clarify a few things.
I am still seeing my therapist and psychiatrist. And I’m being very honest with my therapist and fairly honest with my psychiatrist about how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. I even basically told my therapist the same thing I posted, without going into all the details of what I think I needed to get done, but that I wanted to have an unbiased conversation with someone. I told him I was scared if I was totally honest with either him or my psychiatrist that I might end up in the hospital. He understood what I was saying, we’ve talked about it before and if every time I had a suicidal thought I went to the hospital than I might as well sell my house and move into a psych ward somewhere. I’m honest with my psychiatrist but not in as many details as with my therapist. There are a few reasons for that, one is I simply don’t see her as often or for as long an appointment. But I also don’t know her as well (see first reason) and I don’t know what her threshold for uncertainty is. Meaning if I told her that I think I’m going to kill myself but that it would take me a few weeks or maybe a month to get ready, I don’t know if she would want to rush and have me put in the hospital, or if she would only do something like that if I said I was going to go home and kill myself that night. I don’t know where she stands on things like that and part of me doesn’t exactly want to know because then I know I would edit what I say to make sure there isn’t a bad outcome. If I don’t edit what I say, whatever happens happens and in theory it would be for my best. I do know the next time I see her I am going to have to be very careful about what I say because I am going to ask her to prescribe me something that would be deadly in an overdose, but if the pills work for me, they could be a very powerful antidepressant. It’s like a double edged sward, i may not be able to get anyone to prescribe me something that could potentially help because it could also potentially kill. Either outcome I think I’d be ok with, but I know I can’t say that.
The thing is that I’ve felt bad for so long it gets very tiring after awhile. I even feel stupid for hanging on so long. It’s like if I’m going to do it anyway, I might as well do it now and get if over with. If I can feel better, I want to, but if I’m not going to than yes, I want to die. It makes perfect sense to me.
The strange thing is that, right now, I’m not even feeling super depressed, it’s more of a logic question for me. Does the good out weigh the bad? Am I content to continue my sub-mediocre life? Do I have the energy or motivation to try and make things better? I think the answer to each of those questions is no. I read earlier this week (granted it was wikiepdia, so consider the source) that I am 30 times more likely to die by suicide because I cut myself. I know I’m more likely because I’ve tried before. Less likely because I’m female. More likely because I live alone. You may see where this is going, it’s a math equation and the answer doesn’t look good.

I know it may sound like I’ve already made my decision, but I haven’t. I’ll say it again, if I can feel better, I want to.

Well, I don't have much to add to what has been said already,
but in my opinion, you need to find the thing, whatever it is, that is messing you up the most, and then fix it. Once you work on this, it will give you the confidence to go forward and address the lower priority stuff. I am not being disinterested or callous about this, I have had suicidal ideation myself, though I doubt if I'll ever 'complete' (laziness has its advantages).

The happiest person I know is someone that is completely bankrupt (in debt to the tune of $4m net), and I'm not kidding you.

 

[lauramullen]

I know how you feel. I think about doing it sometimes too. Most mornings I don't even want to get out bed. All I think is, what is going to get thrown at me today. Most nights I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. A lot of these feelings are from being depressed and the death of my father brought them back. All of my friends were kind and caring after he passed away a little over a month ago and now it's like it happened years ago. I feel as if they don't care anymore. I also feel as if nothing goes right in my life and I'm so sad all the time that I just start crying for no reason. I just don't get why happy people are killed everyday, but I still have to be here.

My post was not meant to make you want to do something bad. It is actually to let you know that I can relate to you and I am here to talk if you need it. So please pm me if you want.

 

[Purplereign]

^

 

[Vlad n U 2]

Well, I don't have much to add to what has been said already,
but in my opinion, you need to find the thing, whatever it is, that is messing you up the most, and then fix it. Once you work on this, it will give you the confidence to go forward and address the lower priority stuff. I am not being disinterested or callous about this, I have had suicidal ideation myself, though I doubt if I'll ever 'complete' (laziness has its advantages).

The happiest person I know is someone that is completely bankrupt (in debt to the tune of $4m net), and I'm not kidding you.

He either is mentally mad or an eternal optimist. Hopefully the latter.

 

[financeguy]

He either is mentally mad or an eternal optimist. Hopefully the latter.

Largely the latter, honestly. This guy eats stress for breakfast and then spits it out. Great talent to have, IMO. I should point out the debt is largely mortgage, and eventually house prices will recover, but in Ireland, they'll take an awfully long time.

More importantly, Drownouttheworld, how are you doing now?

 

[drownoutheworld]

Thanks for asking, I'm doing ok. I'm staying at a friends place this weekend. And I have a doctors appointment first thing on Tuesday, so we shall see that that brings. I may end up showing her what I posted the other night. Mostly I'm just very tired.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

big to each of you suffering with depression. I may not know all of you in here but please know that I care. Please know that there is a person here in Georgia who is reading your posts and would like to give each of you a big hug. I pray you all find the help to make you feel better. Your life is precious and valued by all who know you and even to those you don't even know.

 

[VintagePunk]

I may end up showing her what I posted the other night.

I think that would be a very good idea.

Your life is precious and valued by all who know you and even to those you don't even know.

Agreed. drownouttheworld, since you started posting, I was struck by your honesty, your sense of humour in the face of your struggles, when you allow it to show through, and your kindness. I'm not sure if we'll ever meet, but I'd like to think that if we did, we could become friends. I'd like for you to stick around to test that theory, in the event that we might cross each other's path.

 

[redhotswami]

I may end up showing her what I posted the other night.

Um, no, you better show her.

It is time you start being fully honest with your doctors. If you don't tell her, then I will. As a future doctor, I know that the moment someone says that they want to commit suicide, all confidentiality is thrown out the window, and it is that doctor's responsibility to contact family, a hospital, etc. It even says so on the form. It's to save your life, and there are other liability issues for the doctor that come into play as well. I believe that if you were just as honest with your doctors as you are on this board, they would not be letting you go home alone every time you see them.

You haven't been honest because you don't want to be hospitalized, which just confuses me, because you and I know that is the very thing that will help you get better. When you say you want to get better, well, there's your solution. Why not take it? Why continue to withhold information when your life is at stake?

By the way, I'm glad you are still okay. I'll be honest, knowing that you're going to see your psych on Tuesday is not at all comforting. You have already indicated your suicide plan here on this thread. Going to that doctor is part of the plan.

 

[Purplereign]

big to each of you suffering with depression. I may not know all of you in here but please know that I care. Please know that there is a person here in Georgia who is reading your posts and would like to give each of you a big hug. I pray you all find the help to make you feel better. Your life is precious and valued by all who know you and even to those you don't even know.

this . . . just scratch the Georgia and insert Sydney

hope you are doing okay and are taking some positive steps towards your recovery

we are all praying for you

 

[JanuaryStar]

First of all, I want to send some immense virtual love and strength to all who are (still) suffering from depression. I am currently crawling out of it myself, and I know how hard it is to struggle with life. It's a battle that is very tough and takes a lot of energy. But it really is possible to win it. Know that you are not alone out there, and there's always people who want to help or talk

Death doesn't wash away tears. It brings about more and more.

I lost a good friend last year to suicide. I stlil miss her each and every day.

I know it may sound like I’ve already made my decision, but I haven’t. I’ll say it again, if I can feel better, I want to.

This is very important. That fighting spirit, that feeling of wanting to get better, I'm very proud you have this. It can get better. Know that maybe doesn't help much now. But I hope your doctor's appointment will go well and that there is some positive outsights for you. Hang in there...

 

[Utoo]

Hey, guys. Drownoutheworld saw her doc this morning and is being admitted to the hospital. She didn't ask me to write this, but I'm assuming that since she was so open about her thoughts here, she wouldn't mind. Plus I figure this way everyone can wish her the best and send her some love.

 

[corianderstem]

Thanks for the update, Utoo. I've been thinking about her.

 

[redhotswami]

Hey, guys. Drownoutheworld saw her doc this morning and is being admitted to the hospital. She didn't ask me to write this, but I'm assuming that since she was so open about her thoughts here, she wouldn't mind. Plus I figure this way everyone can wish her the best and send her some love.

Thanks for posting this. It is the best news ever. My heart is so elated knowing that my friend will get the help she needs. I hate being so far, but I'm glad to know she will be taken care of.

It's been a real shitty past few days. But today, I'm going to celebrate love, life, friendship, and alcohol.