I'm really concerned about one of my friends.

[U2democrat]

She's 17. She's been dating a really sketchy guy who's 20. She goes over to his house and gets wasted all the time. The other night she lost her virginity to him. She is one of the last people I expected to do this. However, confronting her will do no good. A few years ago she was anorexic and when we, (her friends), confronted both her and her mother she closed herself up and refused to accept help. She would probably do that now, too. Is my only choice to sit by the wayside and watch her destroy herself, or ruin a friendship by trying to do something right?

 

[rica]

I suggest a conversation out of concern and not scolding or being judgemental. I real friend would not keep quiet and ignore a situation. be honest and respctful - try to listen more than talking once the conversation begins. Good Luck

 

[U2Kitten]

The worst thing you could do is rat her out and get her into more trouble. Like you said she shut herself up. It really is not the best thing to tell on her, she must feel her mother isn't understanding or she wouldn't be this way. Be her friend and try to encourage her to not hurt herself anymore (yeah without judging) or criticizing. I'm sure she feels bad enough and stupid enough already. People with problems need support, especially emotionally. Good luck.

 

[frozenmuze04]

I would say from experience that:

You'll end up feeling guilty later if you don't say something - even if she doesn't listen, even if she throws a fit, at least you'll know that you did what you could. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't - hopefully it will.

And I also don't mean to sound like a downer, but you should NOT feel guilty if it doesn't work and she continues to make bad choices. Ultimately, they're her choices - I know because I've been in that kind of a situation before - I stress out and feel like everyone I care about is my responsibility and if things derail then it's somehow something I could have prevented, when usually that's not the case.

Good karma to you for being concerned and helping her out.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Sorry about your friend. I had a friend in HS who was anorexic, I think she liked me because I didn't confront her about it. That was not at all for lack of concern, just not knowing exactly what to do. I often wonder what happened to her after we lost touch. Anorexia is a very complicated disease that I think only a professional can and should deal with.

As for the guy situation, well most women (especially teenage girls) have to find out about the type of guy they are with the hard way, many times it's just desperation for love and affection. It's not something you can really talk them out of until they come to their own conclusions and get hurt before it's too late.

Could you talk about this w/ your parents or a school counselor?

 

[U2Kitten]

If you tell your parents or counselor, and say 'I have this friend' they will think it's you, and if you insist it's not, they will want to know who she is, and they WILL turn her in, and that will hurt more than help. She will only hate all of you and rebel even more, even run away. Please don't tell on her. But I hope you can get her to see what she's doing to herself. But some people are sadly self destructive

The more 'official' people who become involved, the faster she'll get scared and run. Fear of being ratted out will only make her not confide in ANYONE and that will hurt her a lot more in the long run. She has to know there is SOMEONE who is NOT going to rat on her 'for her own good.' Help her out of it on her own terms, she'll be grateful and you won't have to be the snitch.

 

[Liesje]

I for one feel that mothers who deny their daughters' (if they are minors) anorexia should be charged with neglect. If a child has leukemia, AIDS, or any other disease, do we let mothers pretend there's nothing wrong with their dying children? No. Anorexia is a disease that needs to be TREATED, it won't just go away.

/ anorexia rant

This is a tricky situation. The best solution is therapy for the mother and your friend. Getting there sounds almost impossible, but it sounds like you're open for trying to help. From what I've read, it sounds like you go to a decent school. I would find someone who is trained how to deal with these situations. Talk to the best guidance counsellor at your school. It's his/her job to work these situations out and like you said, if it's not done right, everyone will internalize and shut down. A guidance counsellor will be able to work with your friend and her mom and get them to a good therapist.

 

[dandy]

I'm sorry to hear your friend is having so many problems, U2democrat. It seems from what you've said that she is on a path of self-destruction, for whatever reason, and she'll probably continue on that path until she confronts whatever it is she's running from. Therapy is what she needs, but that's not something you can force her into, unfortunately.

Are you guys still close? Probably the best thing you can do for her is to try to keep your friendship on solid ground. Maybe make a little extra time for her, and let her know that you care about her, you're concerned about her, and that she can always come to you if she needs to talk about anything. I know it's frustrating to stand by and watch someone you love tear themselves apart. Sometimes the only thing you can do is to just keep being there, no matter how much they try to push people away.

Sending good karma to you and your friend.

 

[u2valleygirl]

I agree with what Mrs, Spingstein said. Sometimes you just have to fuck up. I did a lot of stupid, crazy insane things at 17. It took me about ten years before I started to "get it".

Maybe just remind her never to drive a car drunk or to get into a car w/someone who has been drinking.

 

[U2democrat]

Thanks for the advice. Y'all are telling me what I was thinking I was going to do so that's good. Who knows how she'll react.

 

[fah]

Sometime the toughest thing about being a friend is letting and watching friends make mistakes. I try to keep my mouth shut when I don't agree with a choice that they have made. The only time I open it is if I feel that they are putting themselves or others at risk.

If you friend asks for advice - GIVE IT. Just remember that when offering criticism you should also offer a solution at the same time.

Another way to deal with the stress is to write a letter to your friend. You don't have to send the letter but writing it may make you feel better.

Take care.

 

[BAW]

Good advice fah

And another thing to keep in mind U2dem...you are a good friend to be concerned about her but don't be too hard on yourself about the mistakes she's making. She's probably under the very powerful combination of first love/first lust and its almost impossible to bring someone to his/her senses in the midst of that. Its probably something you're going to have to watch happen until she asks for your help or advice.

As a parent, I would probably want to know if if my daughter was getting wasted and having sex with an adult but being confronted by her mom probably would make her all the more determined to be with him.

But I would go to her mom if it looks like she has a serious drinking or drug problem...not speaking up about that is kind of like watching a friend who can't swim jump in the deep end of a pool and not going in after them. They may hate you afterward but at least you can say you tried.

Just be there for her if or when things fall apart.

 

[U2democrat]

By the way she's also slipping back into her annorexia. Since beer makes you gain weight she's compensating by not eating. This is supposed to happen on TV shows, not in real life!!!!

 

[Liesje]

By the way she's also slipping back into her annorexia. Since beer makes you gain weight she's compensating by not eating. This is supposed to happen on TV shows, not in real life!!!!

She needs to be treated. Full blown anorexia is a disease, not a phase. She needs professional help combined with your encouragement and support. I've seen some completely detached mothers of anorexic daughter, totally in denial. You can confront her mom, but don't count on her to fix it. I know someone who is so terribly anorexic its just such a sad sad thing. They had to kick her out of school to make a point b/c she came back for second here TWENTY MORE pounds lighter and her parents just sit there and do NOTHING. I'm surprised she hasn't been hospitalized yet. I know I'm going against the popular opinion here, but there's a different between "mistakes" and a slow, painful, suicide. You can't let this one slide.

 

[Mildred]

I for one feel that mothers who deny their daughters' (if they are minors) anorexia should be charged with neglect. If a child has leukemia, AIDS, or any other disease, do we let mothers pretend there's nothing wrong with their dying children? No. Anorexia is a disease that needs to be TREATED, it won't just go away

not to be a complete bitch, but what exactly do you expect mothers [fathers for that matter] to do? lock their kids up in some mental hospital? it's not going to work. being forced into getting better just doesn't achieve anything. some hospital might be able to force feed someone but they won't make any fucking difference to whatever made the person anorexic to begin with. you can't force someone into getting well if they're not ready for it and as much as that might hurt all the people around them, it's the truth.

really sorry if this comes across as rude, harsh, bitchy etc. honestly not said in that spirit. love, peace, friendship and such things.

 

[Liesje]

not to be a complete bitch, but what exactly do you expect mothers [fathers for that matter] to do? lock their kids up in some mental hospital? it's not going to work. being forced into getting better just doesn't achieve anything.

At the absolute VERY least, ADMIT there's a serious problem and attempt to work out a solution. It's astonishing how many mothers sink into a state of complete denial regarding their daughters' anorexia (and even some that directly or inderectly encourage it!). What people need to realize is that there's a huge difference between and eating disorder and disordered eating. A diagnosed eating disorder is a SERIOUS, life threatening disease, not a phase or a bad habit. As for sending the child off to a psych ward, I know multiple people that had that happen to them and it actually DID work very well. The girls are now happy and healthy. They received the professional treatment they needed (regardless of whether or not THEY thought they needed it....a 70 lb 18 year old obviously doesn't have a clear idea on what she "needs"), and learned how to live healthy, balanced lives.

 

[u2valleygirl]

I don't know much about anorexia. But I believe it is a cry for help.