I don't expect advice...

[DaveC]

I'm so confused.

Today is mine and Rachel's 1 year anniversary. Things have been going slightly downhill since about October though...not enough to kill things but still a slow decline. I'll explain.

When me and her started going out, she was this sweet, innocent girl who always listened to her parents, stayed out of trouble, all that great stuff that really attracted me to her in the first place. She was good friends with a group of about 7 girls who all went to her school. Shortly after me and her started going out, one of those friends admitted she lied about something major in her past (I won't get into it but that's a whole other can of worms), that pissed off everyone else in the group of friends. The lying girl was basically out of the group and sought friendship with a few other people of dubious character. Eventually Rachel and another girl made friends back with the original girl who lied, but the others wouldn't forgive the girl for the lie. So there were fights and stuff and now Rachel doesn't talk to them anymore. This was in about September. That's when things started.

She started hanging out with the lying girl (Chelsea) and her friends. She got more and more involved in their stuff. Now she goes out to parties to drink (without me) every weekend, smokes weed occasionally (all of which I do -less often than she does, mind you-, and I'm not saying it's wrong --that woudl be hypocritical of me-- but this isn't the girl I fell in love with). The worst part is that occasionally she has this male friend (Chris) who sleeps over at her house every so often. In the same room as her. She says that "oh, he's like a brother to me" and that they've been having these sleepovers for years now and not to worry about it. And I know the guy Chris seems like a decent guy and all, but it still bugs me that she has a guy sleeping in the same room as her. I never talked to her about it really for fear of pissing her off or causing a fight or something. But now she has sleepovers with numerous guys (girls are included too)...I don't like it at all. Don't get me wrong, I trust her and all, but it gives me this gut feeling every time that something's wrong. And this all seems to be accumulating. Her friends are having a bad influence on her, I can see it froma mile away, but she can't. She's just having fun she says, "you can trust me" she says. So then why does my instinct tell me that there's something more to this all than she lets on?

I'm losing my attraction to her...I don't have those feelings of euphoria when I'm around her anymore. I don't feel the electric connection when I kiss her anymore. We hold hands and it's almost like I'm looking around to make sure nobody else that I know is watching. I find myself looking more at other girls even when I'm with her and I hate myself for it.

Don't take that the wrong way though. I'm not saying that I don't have feelings for her anymore, it's just that I don't know if you can call it love anymore. This feels more like a dying junior high crush right now.

To make matters worse, this past weekend I went to a leadership conference. It was incredible! I met so many amazing people and brought back past friendships that I lost touch with since last year. And I found myself over the course of the 4 or 5 days that I was focusing more and more on this one particular girl (Jenna). Jenna and me were inseparable. Wherever she was, I was. We would sit there and talk for hours at 3 am over greasy takeout pizza and it would be like we had known each other for years. This girl is incredible. She's insanely beautiful, she's intelligent as all hell, and where Rachel has flaws, Jenna picks them up and fills those gaps. Now that I'm home I see here every time I close my eyes. I went out to a movie tonight with Rachel and all I could think about was Jenna. This isn't supposed to be happening.

This is fucked.

I have a girlfriend who is totally different than she was a year ago (and I am too), and we seem to be growing more and more apart by the day. And now Jenna's in the picture and I just find myself so enamored over this girl (PS: I've been told that she may have similar feelings for me, but she hasn't said so herself and it's from a rather dubious source that is difficult to trust)...I'm so bloody confused, I just don't know what to do. Do I stick with the girl who loves me to death, but I don't love back? Or do I go with the girl who may or may not have the same feelings for me as I do for her, which is head over heels?

FUCK!

 

[HelloAngel]

Dave,

I don't want to give you advice, so I will just perhaps highlight something you've already said and indicated as a way for you to see how you should resolve things.

You need to listen to your heart here above all things. If you two are having more fun apart then you do together, you need to think more about that. If you feel the thrill is gone, you should examine that too.

Bottom line, communication is the key. And it sounds like you guys should have "a talk" as soon as you feel up to it.

 

[BAW]

Well, since you aren't asking for advice, I'll just let you know that what you are feeling (or not feeling) is perfectly normal in what I assume is your first serious relationship. It sounds like you are simply growing growing out of it. Its sad but it happens to almost everyone. You aren't the same person you were when you met her and by your description, neither is she.

I'm not saying its impossible to spend your whole with your first love but most people do change a lot at 18, 19 and 20.

An honest discussion of your feelings can't hurt.

 

[DaveC]

I actually would really like advice. The title of the thread is misleading.

Another big problem: Rachel's going away to work in Quebec this summer for 6 weeks. That's gonna be an issue. How do I dea with that?

 

[beli]

There is some old adage about a man falls in love with a woman and doesnt want her to change - and she does. And a woman falls in love with a man and wants him to change - and he doesnt. Or somthing to that effect.

Tap into your subconsious. Pick a side of the coin for each girl and toss the coin. If you are happy with the result then that is the girl you really want. If you find yourself telling yourself "go for best out of 3 tosses". Then you want the other girl. If that doesnt make sense just holler and I will try explaining it again.

 

[wolfeden]

gentle honesty is better than "sticking it out" when you don't want to be there. You are not doing her any favors by staying if you don't love her.

 

[beli]

Actually Dave I just noticed you have taken Rachel off your avatar. Are you trying to tell yourself something?

 

[Liesje]

Carrie's right: communication is key.

"I never talked to her about it really for fear of pissing her off or causing a fight or something."

Even if you think you're doing the right thing by avoiding a fight, if something bothers you, it bothers you and there's not much you can do about it unless you tell her it's bugging you so you can work it out.

If you really don't love her anymore, I think you should break up. Even if she still loves you back, it's not fair to her to keep leading her on and it's not fair for YOU because you're not happy with the way the relationship is going. People change and that's OK, but pretending to be happy when you're not will lead to even bigger troubles later on.

You're not a bad person for wanting to be with Jenna. We can't control who we like and don't like. You just need to be honest with yourself and Rachel so that you both can move on - whether it be together or not - and be happy.

 

[Salome]

Actually Dave I just noticed you have taken Rachel off your avatar. Are you trying to tell yourself something?

I didn't even notice this

but I continiously had the feeling when reading your post that you had already made your decision


the only advice I could give about working on a relationship has already been mentioned here a couple of times: communication

advice on love doesn't exist

 

[fah]

It's been said here several times already but communication is the key. Find the time for both you and Rachel to sit down and talk about what you both want.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

When it's your first serious relationship, as some people here have stated, things change. People as young as 18-22 really don't know what they want out of life (at least most people I know/knew), so how can they expect to know who they want to spend the rest of their life with?

It sounds as if you have done some heavy thinking, and you should talk to her as soon as humanly possible. Dragging things out won't do either of you any good.

Also, as some people here have already said, it seems as if you've already made up your mind. Good luck.

 

[MrBrau1]

She's got guys sleeping in the same room as her. You know how guys are, no matter how "decent" they seem to be. Get out before you get hurt. Bad things are happening.

 

[nbcrusader]

As many have said, its time to have an open, honest serious discussion with Rachel. Perhaps it will be to close the door.

I also sense you are ready to move on. She has changed. She is engaging in activities that, when you really think about it, bother you. Sounds like you have changed as well.

Then have a nice discussion with Jenna.

 

[Bonochick]

Do I stick with the girl who loves me to death, but I don't love back? Or do I go with the girl who may or may not have the same feelings for me as I do for her, which is head over heels?

Even if the 2nd option didn't exist, you still shouldn't stick with a girl you don't love back, regardless of how she feels about you. It's just unfair. If the 2nd option was changed to have that girl for sure feeling the same way about you, I'm sure you'd go for her...and you know what that tells me? That you are hanging onto Rachel until someone better comes along. That is no reason to ever stay in a relationship.

 

[U2Kitten]

Dave, you are a young man, and let me tell you, your story is a common one. Of course when it's you, it's always worse, I know. But this is typical, sad that it is. We love or feel attracted to someone for certain reasons, and when they are no longer that way, those feelings change. It happens. But I'm sorry it happened to you

Not to trivialize, but it also happens with bands too. People say, if you're a real fan you'll stick with them no matter what, but hey, if they aren't the same way they were when you liked them, if the reasons you were attracted to them are now gone because they changed, then you aren't going to like them anymore. If it happens with people that we love, it should be no big deal about a rock band.

 

[popacrobat]

She's got guys sleeping in the same room as her. You know how guys are, no matter how "decent" they seem to be. Get out before you get hurt. Bad things are happening.

 

[anitram]

Well, it sounds like you already know what you want.

The only piece of advice I have is - don't cheat on her. If you don't want to be with her and you want to pursue Jenna, end things first. It's a valuable lesson you should learn early.

 

[stammer476]

She's got guys sleeping in the same room as her. You know how guys are, no matter how "decent" they seem to be. Get out before you get hurt. Bad things are happening.

Let me add a triple to that. That's FUBAR if I've ever seen it. You're a guy, you know how we work. Don't kid yourself anymore.

Still, be warned about the "golden haired woman on the other side of the room." When things have gone to crap with the woman we're with, every other girl is going to look like God's ultimate creation. Everyone has their faults. Everyone has their annoying tendencies. Everyone has their deep, dark secrets.

Seriously, you need to take some time off. It's going to take at least 6 months to digest and heal from everything that's gone on with Rachel. If Jenna is as great as you think, she deserves the best you can bring her. And the baggage that comes with girl hopping is a mess. Weep, wail, heal, and move on, and only then consider if you're ready for another helping of the love buffet.

 

[beli]

And the baggage that comes with girl hopping is a mess. Weep, wail, heal, and move on, and only then consider if you're ready for another helping of the love buffet.

 

[Mrs.Clayton]

Well, it sounds like you already know what you want.

The only piece of advice I have is - don't cheat on her. If you don't want to be with her and you want to pursue Jenna, end things first. It's a valuable lesson you should learn early.

 

[Doozer61]

Honesty is the best policy.

And besides, the only person you are probably fooling is yourself. If you are feeling like you have been pulling away, she has been feeling it too. Guaranteed. Which may explain why she is acting the way she is.

Talk about it openly and honestly. Thats Doozers 2 cents!

 

[martha]

Hey Dave.

How are things?

 

[Got Philk?]

Dave,
I actually can relate some. I had a girlfriend of 3 years a while back. As we dated through high school and long distance for a year, I remember her saying things such as, "I never will smoke b/c my dad did" or "Urgh, why do my friends drink." As she came to college, I noticed some changes and like you, my innocent beautiful girlfriend had turned into a smoking and partying machine. It sucks.

Advice column: Dave, it is great that you trust her, but think about some of your guy friends and their ideas when sleeping in the same room as any woman.
My main advice is to tell her how you feel. If things do not go well, take some time, and if moving on is the best thing for you, please do so. Some times you gots to think about yourself.
Good Friggin luck man,
phil

 

[DaveC]

Well I just got finished talking to her. It was an interesting time.

I was originally gonna talk to her about the "guys sleeping over" thing and then slowly wear it down and end it (yes, I know, an asshole thing to do). It quickly descended into a "do you trust me?" argument, which involved me revealing my all-time #1 secret to her (something only 2 people - now 3 - in the whole world know), which basically is that do have a hard time trusting girls due to something that happened to me a while ago. That developed into a "so do we try and fight through this or break up?" question, and I was so close to ending it, but...

I had a revelation. An epiphany, if you will. Life is fucked, and so you just gotta roll with it. Don't ditch when things get hard, stick through them and work to make things better. So we are. We're staying together, and if we go down we're gonna go down kicking and screaming together against it. Cause I love Rachel. I love her for her little flaws and I love her for her great aspects. I don't know if we'll be together for much longer or if we'll be together till we're old and gray and complaining about the price of pills. But I'm willing to find out and give it a shot, cause there's not a fucking chance in hell that I'm gonna let this end like this. No fucking way.

I'm going to learn to trust her. I'm going to look past the faults because I know how incredible she is on the inside. And we'll do our damndest to make it through this. We've both got things that we're gonna work on, but we'll get through.

Thank you to everyone who helped me with this. You guys are amazing, you're a second family to me and I owe you all a debt of gratitude. I love you guys, all of you, even if we may disagree at times. Please don't ever change.

 

[bonosloveslave]

Don't ditch when things get hard, stick through them and work to make things better.

It takes a real man to say and do this. You still might realize someday that 'it wasn't meant to be', but at least you're fighting to find out. Good for you

 

[fah]

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Good luck, Dave. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[nbcrusader]

We've both got things that we're gonna work on, but we'll get through.

Relationships don't just happen, they take work. I am happy you were able to have such a good discussion with Rachel and are both looking to the things you want to work on to improve the relationship.

 

[TheBrazilianFly]

which involved me revealing my all-time #1 secret to her (something only 2 people - now 3 - in the whole world know),

Great now you're killing me of curiosity.

I'm glad you found your way in your problem. Good luck!

 

[Sweet Tart]

Re: Re: I don't expect advice...

Even if the 2nd option didn't exist, you still shouldn't stick with a girl you don't love back, regardless of how she feels about you. It's just unfair. If the 2nd option was changed to have that girl for sure feeling the same way about you, I'm sure you'd go for her...and you know what that tells me? That you are hanging onto Rachel until someone better comes along. That is no reason to ever stay in a relationship.

i was about to say teh same thing. staying with her whether jenna was around or not is not the right thing.

try working it out and see where it goes. relationships are hard work and giving up on them at the first sign of trouble happens way too often.

just my 2 cents....

good luck