how do you know when you're in love?

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Sherry Darling said:
It's a choice. It's ACTION.
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i think this is the insight i've been looking for. it's decidedly non-icky, and something quantifiable.

at this point, i don't yet feel as if i'm at a point where i'd put his needs before mine, or i'd build my life around him (thank you, Miss Nicks), or that i wouldn't leave him if, say, i were to get a smashing new job in another city.

it would crush me, though, to lose him.

and, perhaps with more time and shared experiences, the relationship will deepen into one of the love that is action.

though it seems as if the emotional groundwork is there.

and that's terrifying, and exhilerating. all in the same breath.
 
Irvine511 said:

it would crush me, though, to lose him.
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This really resonates with me. Maybe it's easier to define in terms of what living your life without the person in question would be like for you, than by stating what it's like to be with the person?

Thanks a lot, Irvine. :angry: The social scientist geek in me feels the need to operationalize the construct, now. :wink:
 
Thanks for you kind words, Irvine. Best of luck. Life is choices, and they all involve loss and gain. One of my favorite song writers, Springsteen, said that in some interview. He went on to say something else I've remembered ever since: if our choices involved no loss, they would have no meaning.

Rev. Springsteen :bow:

Social Science geeks :love: :heart:
 
Sherry Darling said:
Thanks for you kind words, Irvine. Best of luck. Life is choices, and they all involve loss and gain. One of my favorite song writers, Springsteen, said that in some interview. He went on to say something else I've remembered ever since: if our choices involved no loss, they would have no meaning.

Rev. Springsteen :bow:
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"oh girl, that feeling of safety you prize/ well it comes with a hard, hard price/ you can't shut off the risk and the pain/ without losing the love that remains/ we're all riders on this train"
 
Irvine511 said:




i think this is the insight i've been looking for. it's decidedly non-icky, and something quantifiable.

at this point, i don't yet feel as if i'm at a point where i'd put his needs before mine, or i'd build my life around him (thank you, Miss Nicks), or that i wouldn't leave him if, say, i were to get a smashing new job in another city.

it would crush me, though, to lose him.

and, perhaps with more time and shared experiences, the relationship will deepen into one of the love that is action.

though it seems as if the emotional groundwork is there.

and that's terrifying, and exhilerating. all in the same breath.
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Whatever "it" is you're in, I wish you nothing but luck, irvine. :hug:

Human Touch lyrics. :combust: And the video with his shirt off and playing guitar. Oh holy hell...

Sorry, lol.
 
I think love is .. 'best'..... when it's a statement and not a question. That applies to many aspects of it.


good luck
 
nbcrusader said:
Love goes beyond the emotion to the conscious choice to put their needs ahead of your own.
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Well said. But, dont you think that really small number of people knows that?Or to be more precise...can think/feel on that level?I think most of the people have this sugar-honey vision of love and they dont even think that includes unselfisness. It all about their needs! Other half are emotional creeps.They think that giving is about taking away from themselves. At least, that are my experiences with men and some of my friends also.I am just trying to say: unselfishness is very high level of thinking in my opinion. Also the thought:Love is action....and not in the sense i would do ANYTHING because i am blinded by emotions. But more like decision. I am the last person who wants to be cynical, but as someone said: romantic in me is on vacation.Brilliant!:bow:
 
I don't agree that love means the conscious choice of putting another's needs before your own. That sounds more like codependency to me. I do think that when we love someone unconditionally that we often put another's needs before our own quite naturally but it is not healthy to do that to the extent that our own real needs become ignored. I suppose it depends on what those "needs" are. Certainly a parent puts the real needs of a child ahead of their own when we're talking about not buying a new suit or something because they're saving for their child's tuition and things like that. But to ignore your own larger needs isn't good. Or to use the airline analogy, you put your own oxygen mask on first and then you can take care of another.

I wish I had something more substantive to contribute but unfortunately I'm realizing that most of the times I thought I was "in love" I was really just very attached and it was rarely truly unconditional. I am only just now feeling mature enough to open up to real love. :shrug:

But it's great that you've found someone, Irvine, that you really connect with. :)
 
joyfulgirl said:
I don't agree that love means the conscious choice of putting another's needs before your own. That sounds more like codependency to me. I do think that when we love someone unconditionally that we often put another's needs before our own quite naturally but it is not healthy to do that to the extent that our own real needs become ignored. I suppose it depends on what those "needs" are. Certainly a parent puts the real needs of a child ahead of their own when we're talking about not buying a new suit or something because they're saving for their child's tuition and things like that. But to ignore your own larger needs isn't good. Or to use the airline analogy, you put your own oxygen mask on first and then you can take care of another.
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great post. i totally hear you.
 
Joyful girl, i understand what you are trying to say. Yes, i agree that it should come naturally. But sometimes you have to get up and do something even when youre lazy or something because higher low i called morality tells you so.I am into I.Kant i must confess
:hmm:
And it is not always easy to do that. That is why i think concious choice is needed. Sometimes. And sometimes it all comes naturally. I am usually up for whatever it takes ...to help someone i love. Maybe i should put my own oxygen mask on first :combust:
 
girlhappy said:

And it is not always easy to do that. That is why i think concious choice is needed. Sometimes. And sometimes it all comes naturally. I am usually up for whatever it takes ...to help someone i love. Maybe i should put my own oxygen mask on first :combust:
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Of course there are times when the conscious choice has to be made to put another's needs ahead of yours and it's very often the right thing to do, but there has to be a healthy balance. By consciously choosing to put your own needs first in certain situations I don't think necessarily means that you don't love the other person. It just depends on the situation. But in general I don't understand how you can meet another's needs when your own haven't been met, especially if those needs are emotional, for example. A person who isn't whole themselves can't make someone else whole, you know (maybe not a great example since who among us is truly whole anyway)? But if your own needs have been met doesn't it seem you then have more to give? And then on the other hand sometimes making a sacrifice and just giving with no thought of receiving just because it makes you so happy to do so can be really fulfilling in itself. Certainly a healthy love relationship requires certain sacrifices from both people. The more I talk it about it the more I confuse myself. :huh: Love seems so simple sometimes and yet so complicated at other times.
 
joyfulgirl said:


Of course there are times when the conscious choice has to be made to put another's needs ahead of yours and it's very often the right thing to do, but there has to be a healthy balance. By consciously choosing to put your own needs first in certain situations I don't think necessarily means that you don't love the other person. It just depends on the situation. But in general I don't understand how you can meet another's needs when your own haven't been met, especially if those needs are emotional, for example. A person who isn't whole themselves can't make someone else whole, you know (maybe not a great example since who among us is truly whole anyway)? But if your own needs have been met doesn't it seem you then have more to give? And then on the other hand sometimes making a sacrifice and just giving with no thought of receiving just because it makes you so happy to do so can be really fulfilling in itself. Certainly a healthy love relationship requires certain sacrifices from both people. The more I talk it about it the more I confuse myself. :huh: Love seems so simple sometimes and yet so complicated at other times.
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Ibsen, anyone? i remember being really mad at Nora for walking out, yet now, as an adult, i understand.
 
When you are in love, you "make love" when having sex. That means slow, romantic love-making, the kind you see on soap operas.

But if find yourself fucking your partner porno-style (hot oral sex, doggy-style, ect.), chances are you're not in love. You're just horny and infatuated.
 
Putting your loved one's needs ahead of your own can be both a conscious and an unconscious thing; it really depends on what the needs are at that moment, doesn't it?


Don't overanalyze it. Everyday life with the one you love isn't full of give and take analysis; the give and take happens naturally. Big decisions that may require sacrifice need loving discussion, where each one considers his or her needs in light of what the other needs. It's never a ledger where accounts are kept. True love doesn't keep books. It balances on its own.

If books are kept and accounts compared, then it's not love. It's a competition and it won't work.


Congratualtions, Irvine. :) I'm a big fan of love. :D
 
martha said:
Putting your loved one's needs ahead of your own can be both a conscious and an unconscious thing; it really depends on what the needs are at that moment, doesn't it?


Don't overanalyze it. Everyday life with the one you love isn't full of give and take analysis; the give and take happens naturally. Big decisions that may require sacrifice need loving discussion, where each one considers his or her needs in light of what the other needs. It's never a ledger where accounts are kept. True love doesn't keep books. It balances on its own.

If books are kept and accounts compared, then it's not love. It's a competition and it won't work.


Congratualtions, Irvine. :) I'm a big fan of love. :D
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:up: Well put. It also has significance for me and a friendship I've been struggling with.
 
joyfulgirl said:
But in general I don't understand how you can meet another's needs when your own haven't been met, especially if those needs are emotional, for example. A person who isn't whole themselves can't make someone else whole, you know (maybe not a great example since who among us is truly whole anyway)?
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I think this is a great point.

You can be in a terrific, healthy relationship with a wonderful person, but yet feel a sense of loss. Maybe because you are dissatisfied with your career or the direction your life is headed with, etc. The day has 24 hours and the only person you will spend all 24 with is yourself, inside your head. So if there is some aspect of your life that is lacking, for whatever reason, the other person's presence in your life won't make up for it because it can't. In the beginning you can maybe convince yourself that it does, but in the long run, the things you are unhappy about personally will still be there. You have to take care of you, bottom line, that doesn't mean to the exclusion of the needs of the other person or to some extremely selfish ends, but just that there are voids you cannot expect your lover to fill, and there are things which you will ultimately have to do for yourself.
 
You know when you are in love when you wait 2 years for that person to be ready to have a relationship again. Speak from personal experience on this one :wink: Had the long distance thing to work though but we remained close. Still out of all of that time apart there wasn't anything we wouldn't do for the other. Personally to me that is what being in love is like! After almost 5 years I still get that funny feeling in my stomach whenever I think of him :love:

Ok sorry I know that was incredibly icky! hehe
 
I think love is when you want to strangle them and hug them at the same time.




That's my view, anyways.
Pretty nifty, eh?

:wink:
 
Windmilllane said:
When you are in love, you "make love" when having sex. That means slow, romantic love-making, the kind you see on soap operas.

But if find yourself fucking your partner porno-style (hot oral sex, doggy-style, ect.), chances are you're not in love. You're just horny and infatuated.
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hahahahaha

some time I will get a heart attack over one of those posts
 
Irvine511 said:
i'm trying to be zen about it, but i HATE not having total mastery of my thoughts and emotions and feeling vulnerable.
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my dear poor boy :hug:

that´s life :shrug:
 
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