Fed up with selfish people

[scatteroflight]

One in particular, my ex. We went out for four months last year (yeah I know that doesn't sound like much...I'm not exactly experienced in the field of relationships, perhaps that's why I seem to suffer so much trauma in this area.) We started going out at the end of a ski trip...it wasn't exactly unexpected though, we'd been friends for some time and it was fairly clear we liked each other, I was really waiting for him to ask me out at that point. After a pleasant first month in which he did everything possible to get my emotions fully involved, and I felt like I was really in love and thought that he was too, he then informed me that he was concerned because he wasn't happy enough. Then he apologized for freaking me out, and told me repeatedly how much he loved me and how happy I made him, but the same thing happened repeatedly over the next three months until he informed me that it just wasn't working and ended it. He claimed to be convinced that we would remain good friends but it hasn't exactly happened. Part of the problem, I think, is that we have a lot of mutual friends and due to circumstances we usually are in the same room at least twice a week, and sometimes on social occasions. And his number one way of raising his low self esteem is by flirting with every girl he's friends with, which has sometimes included using lines on them (in my hearing) that he used on me WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER. So, not much chance for me to heal up.

So, it's almost a year since we broke up and I'm still not exactly my old self. In March, some of the group who went skiing last year went again, including my ex, and a few other friends who weren't in the group last year. All of them were people both my ex and I knew already, except for the younger sister of one of them. About two weeks after they get back, one of my friends lets me know that my ex is now going out with this younger sister, that it happened on the ski trip and it all happened fairly fast. I wasn't incredibly hurt, but just feeling really cynical about it all--and a bit hurt, yes. I'm then told by people who are more in the know that they aren't officially going out--that my ex had told them so himself--but, hmm, the sister of this girl thinks it's official that they ARE going out. Then I found out that she's coming to visit in a few weeks (she lives in a different country). See where I'm going? Either they actually are going out (or will be when she comes) and he just leaped into it head first without thinking at all, as he does, based on some "buzz" he experienced while on the ski trip (which was apparently the number one reason he asked me out the previous year), or she very likely thinks they're going out and he doesn't. Nice. As a matter of fact, I'm out of the country right now and I think she's visiting around now. Somewhat handy that my visit home was scheduled for this time, as I avoid some hassle by not being around, but I'm a bit apprehensive about going back to where I live and hearing what's happened--very likely that they're going out. I just don't know how I'll react...

Oh, and then there's the guy who is obsessed with my roommate (or was obsessed), couldn't get the message that she wasn't interested, got nasty when she made it clear, said horrible things, sent her flowers to apologize (overkill!), ignored suggestions about laying low and asked her out yet again. And by the way, he flirts with plenty of other girls. I hate selfish people!! SO MUCH!!

I also fear being lonely for all my life, but that's another thread, I guess

 

[AcrobatMan]

I dont think your ex is particularly selfish.

But it is a very bad situation for you ..he is NOT being good or graceful ...but then he is EX and not present boyfriend

This thread is more about EXs and such stuff and I have zero experience in EXs etc

I suggest you find a good boyfriend, ignore your EX...and carry on !!

Good Luck.

*edited to add NOT*

 

[scatteroflight]

I dont think your ex is particularly selfish.

Well...he is, actually. Though I kind of got on a rant and forgot that I was supposed to be discussing how he demonstrated selfishness in this whole situation His selfishness is mainly down to thinking that the whole point of a relationship is simply to make HIM happy...he's not too worried about whether or not the other person will be happy. When he was 18 (he's younger than me, probably a mistake) he went out with a girl for almost a year and eventually she dumped him on his head and took off. I heard so much about how in love he was with her and how he just didn't feel as strongly about me (then he'd tell me again how much he loved me. Confusing?). But I never heard him say anything about her feelings, and a couple of people who'd observed the situation said that he'd been so in love with being in love that he really didn't bother to find out how she actually felt.

Maybe I should say I hate selfish/inconsiderate people...I almost feel like I want to forget about looking at people's motives, and just look at what they actually do. Does it really matter if they didn't MEAN to hurt you, or whatever...if they do anyway??

But thanks for support AcrobatMan And I have only a little more than zero experience, maybe why I'm so hung up on this situation...

 

[AcrobatMan]

Well...he is, actually. Though I kind of got on a rant and forgot that I was supposed to be discussing how he demonstrated selfishness in this whole situation His selfishness is mainly down to thinking that the whole point of a relationship is simply to make HIM happy...

I have met many selfish people myself ...

before making serious friendship, we should judge the person better....

 

[No spoken words]

Sometimes people are ignorant, or clueless, and it comes off as selfishness. The difference is a subtle one, to me, at least.

Few things irk me like selfishness does. The never stopping to think of how your actions will impact others, then ever looking back on the wreckage your behavior might have caused...the never learning from your mistakes.

I aint perfect, but, this is one area of life I do ok in, I'm more selfless than anything else, so, selfishness bothers me more than most....and it bothers most people greatly.

Scatteroflight, I wish I had some great piece of advice for you, but I simply do not. Just know that you're not alone in the area of being hurt by the actions of another, more selfish person. The key is....getting past it....and learning to recognize signs of it in other people....are really making sure you never, ever, act like that, even remotely. That's the best I can offer.

Good luck, and, experienced or not, you sounds like a great girl with a lot to offer someone.....someone right.

 

[For Honor]

I don't know if there is anything I can say to this, other than I agree with what's already been said.


Selfish people annoy me a lot. I understand not everyone can be one way or another, but..... I spend a lot of energy on being aware of other people, and making decisions based on other people. When that isn't returned in any way...... it's frustrating...

 

[scatteroflight]

Thanks for the various comments guys. I reread what I've written sometimes...here, in my journal, whatever, and sometimes I think I'm a bit self righteous. I probably made it sound like it was all completely his fault. The fact is, he said "sometimes these things just don't work out" and in a sense that's true. In some ways maybe I just tried too hard. Or I was too idealistic because I thought it had to work out because we started out as friends. Or maybe I wasn't aware enough of what was really going on with his feelings, even though I tried to put him first. The fact is, though, that there is always going to be SOME selfish aspect to being in a relationship. Why do you start going out with someone and stay with that person? Because they make you happy. It is quite selfish in a way. But I think the key is that you are happy with that perrson because you want to make them happy...you achieve real happiness that way. And you have to be willing to make sacrifices and compromises...and also not expect to be ecstatically happy 24/7, because that is just infatuation. I guess you need to find someone you're happy making those compromises for. But it's important to be as unselfish as possible in friendships as well as relationships...someone said to me "selfishness kills all kinds of relationships" and it is so true...

 

[For Honor]

I agree


And Happiness is just a state of mind...
I'm applying that more and more to things
Relationships seem more to me like two people who want to be in a relationship, rather than some emotional fixtion....

but who am I to speak about such things.....


and also, I think I take the cake on being self righteous. My posts are incredibly longwinded and sappy, and I try to justify things or make points like some grand prophet or wiseman or something at times. And even my username...... it's sort of a big "I am selfighteuous and arrogant" sign. I try to live up to it, but I'm far from it. But that's okay. I try to deal with it.


Just remember you are by far not alone in having your self righteous moments....



--------


Yes, sacrifices are a big part of realtionships
I still rember Bono saying in a DVD I watch a lot "Compromise... it's not a dirty word"

But "sacrificial love" is a major compenet to relationships. Esepcially the bigger ones. NBCrusader's thread about marriage is really good about that sort of thing.


Hopefully you will gain from this expereince and have more success in the future. And thanks for sharing with us