I had an epiphany tonight.
The Yankees were getting killed, so I switched channels and came across "Marty" on TMC. I always heard about this movie, being named Best Picture in the 1950s, but I never saw it. So anyway, as I am watching this movie, it was like watching my life story.
The movie is about a 34-year-old single guy named Marty who still lives at home. He goes to a ballroom (which we would consider clubs today), and this guy comes up to him and asks, "are you stag or with a girl." He answers he is stag, and the guy offers to pay him $5 to take his date home, since he met another good-looking girl. Marty answers no, saying that's a crummy thing to do to his date, which that jerk called a "dog." So the girl gets crushed. Marty sees this, and goes up to her. They leave together and they hit it off. Turns out, she is 29 and still lives at home too. Now Marty isn't good-looking either; he's fat and isn't handsome. But they hit it off. He tells her how he was depressed and thought about killing himself because of his life. He is ashamed of being a butcher, plus he knows he is not good-looking. As they are walking on the streets, he comes across a friend and he excuses himself to talk to this friend. The friend wants him to hang out with other better looking girls and comments to him how his date is a dog. But he turns his friend down. At the end of the night, he takes her home and tries to kiss her, but she resists because she was afraid. He feels embarrassed, but she says to him that she likes him and they eventually kiss. He tells her that he will call her and he is all giddy. The mother, who is an old Italian women, walks in and is suprised to see Marty with a woman. The woman goes home and is excited to tell her parents that she met a great guy. She is also giddy. The next day, he goes to church and the mother starts saying how she doesn't like the girl and feels she isn't good-looking. So Marty gets upset and decides not to call the woman. The woman is home and is watching TV with her parents and tears run down her face. It was really sad. Anyway, Marty hangs out with his other single buddies and they comment about the dog of a date he was with. They talk about things to do like going to a burlesque and Marty, with an upset look, says, forget you guys I'm calling that girl. And the movie ends.
This movie really hits home with me. I am 34, still live at home and never had a girlfriend. I try not to let it bother me, but I can't help it. It does. I have no self-esteem, no confidence, I feel like I am the ugliest guy in the world. But this movie gives me hope. Marty wasn't good-looking and didn't have a great "career" with lots of money, like me. But he met a great girl. It didn't matter what she looked like. That's what's holding me back. I don't like myself and what I look like. Why can't I just accept what I look like? Why can't I just go up to a girl and not think about what I look like? For the record, the crush at my job is actually obese, but I still find her attractive. But I really like her and feel she is so beautiful, the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. How ironic is that? I have this crush on this girl, and she isn't considered your typical good-looking or hot girl. But to me, she is beautiful. But I can't over the fact that I consider myself ugly. I just want to accept who I am and be happy and to be myself and have the courage to go up to her. But she gave me a bad signal. I know I have to just move on and whatever happens, happens.