How I remained two steps ahead of suspicious parties
By Alyson Rudd
José Mourinho delivers his TV verdict (with a little help from our correspondent)
HOW typical of the English media that rather than try to find my private and peaceful place, they have instead been disrespectful about it. I am not at Highbury, I am not in the space between the ears of Lee Bowyer and I am not shopping for cheap coats. My peaceful place does not have an address. I find peace within the strong confines of my aura.
But still, I require a television. The events of this match affect my work for the next game. I am always one step ahead of the next step, which means you can never miss the present. So I do not settle down, as you say, to watch this match — I have three screens, a desk, a computer spreadsheet, a stopwatch, a Dictaphone and other items I cannot discuss.
I am not interested in the Sky Sports preamble except to say I like that man Andy Gray and his tactics table. I shall offer him a job on my scouting team. And, I have to say this, not because I am arrogant, but because it is the truth — my American Express advert is exceptionally good.
4min: We have the lead. Gray says Chelsea are lucky because of a deflection yet I have calculated that Joe Cole’s type of shooting is likely to cause poor clearances. When Gray starts his new job, I shall sack him.
16min: The phone rings. It is not Steve Clarke, it is the recorded voice of a woman telling me I have won a holiday.
36min: Joe Cole leaves the pitch. He slurps hurriedly from a plastic drinks container. The container is the correct colour, but Cole, he is too hurried. I left instructions for him to take slow sips. This will obviously need correcting before the second leg.
44min: The phone rings. It is Steve Clarke. I want Uefa to know that I have not telephoned him, he has called me. He has lost the sheet titled: “The Most Effective Manner In Which To Leave The Pitch At Half-Time When Score Is 1-0 and Two Chelsea Players Have Been Cautioned.”
Half-time: I am humble but am feeling God-like. The men on Sky think I am hidden in the stands or behind a screen in a hospitality booth or under the seats in the dugout or in the Chelsea Village Health Club or under someone’s hat. I am all-knowing, I am everywhere yet I cannot be seen. Except on that very good advert.
65min: Robert Huth replaces Glen Johnson. This substitution is instigated 49 seconds late. But messages can take time to be processed. I mean messages in general. Not necessarily my messages.
70min: A goal I like very much from Frank Lampard. He points a finger towards me as part of his celebration.
Stoppage time: I cannot say what I think about the referee or you may not see me again.