Random confession:
I'm a deeply sensitive person. I worry about things which other people don't even notice. I get hurt easily and I analyze everything and everyone around me every moment, desperately seeking reasons not to trust people. Down inside I'm deeply insecure, but I've managed to overcome my fears over the years and I'm quite surprised with what I had become. Other people usually see me as an arrogant smartass. I'd been told lots of times that I scare people away with my behaviour and I'm aware of that. After all, my aim has been achieved: if I don't let anybody inside my shell, I won't get hurt. I present myself as a snide egoistic girl chasing her Ph.D. That being said, I recently realized that in fact I wasn't acting anymore. Over the last few months I tried to fix things and open myself to the possibility of being completely honest with people I love. Breaking up a long-term relationship was one of those things - I still care about him a lot, but I see him as any other family member. I've lost my passion over the years and 'love' was just another chore I had to do every day. I love making people happy, I enjoy making them feel good about themselves - it makes me happy as well. That's the reason why I was afraid to end it - I don't want to hurt anyone.
Over the past couple of months I've managed to overcome my fears and present my true self to a certain friend. There was I - insecure, hypersensitive, devoted, fragile, moody, easily hurt and full of issues. It felt good having someone to love me for who I am and I was free without my invincibility cloak. Long story short - I discovered I was just a toy and my sincerest emotions were somebody else's home amusement. Now is the time to retreat to my shell and build an additional fortress of defence mechanisms.
I have to work on my thesis and some papers and I can't concentrate at all. I just wander around in my mind thinking about my sinusoidal pattern of life - I was the happiest person every two days ago and I'm the exact opposite today.
I just need a hug.