Hi.
As Roger Waters once said... is there anybody out there? If so, then I hope you're all doing well and are happy. I just thought i'd update this suicide-inspiring thread with the latest happy, cheerful news on this shitty situation.
<--- Well,
isn't the most appropriate smiley - but I figure that I can either laugh or cry, and I'd like to at least attempt to laugh while I am still able to.
I am now Godmother to my two little nieces; we had them christened today. My sister made a short speech about how she found that her faith has helped her to stay strong, and that she wants her children to have that as well. She cried and it was very, very tough. I went to the altar with her while she made her speech, and held her hand.
There's one thing that she hasn't told anyone, not even myself or our Mum, but I know it anyway. Part of the reason she's had the girls baptised is so that she knows she will see them again in Heaven. It is heartbreaking.
I'm not a strict Christian - although I was brought up at church schools, I detoured, and am not 100% certain in my spiritual convictions. Despite that, if I ever hear any bastard trying to tell my little sister that there's no Heaven and she will never see her babies again, I will cheerfully strangle him with my bare hands.
The vicar was a lovely chap. He has offered to visit us, and to give my sister her last rites when the time comes. That's predominantly a Catholic thing, and although the Church of England offer this too, they usually do not come round to people's houses to do so. We are lucky in that respect. Yet it is utterly petrifying - my sister will not go to hospital, so will die at home in front of her family, including her two babies.
I got really wound up and upset by one thing. It will probably sound silly and petty, but I need to get this out of my system somehow, so please bear with me... if there really
is anybody out there.
The congregation prayed for my sister, my nieces, and my mother - which was lovely. We were extremely touched by it, and grateful for the kindness shown to us.
I was the only family member they didn't mention. I
know this probably makes me sound selfish. But, I couldn't help wondering - don't I need strength, to cope, to help my family cope, to be able to give my sister the best possible care and support, as well?
Obviously, my poor sister is the one suffering. She is in constant pain and has no treatment. She is the important one in all this, as are the kids. I will have to be a rock for my Mum, brothers, and nieces, and I will do my damnedest to make aure they are all looked after.
I can't imagine what the hell our Mum must be going through; the thought of anything bad happening to either of my nieces petrifies me, so I cannot begin to imagine what losing a child is like. I need to be there for them.
I guess I need to find some way of keeping myself strong, in order to keep my family sane. There's no way I could let my sister down, or my mum, or Lucy and Emily.