HeartlandGirl
Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
It feels weird to be blurting this out for the whole world to see, but I'm confused folks. My husband and I are thinking of having children, but I am very, very afraid of the entire prospect.
When we got married, neither of us wanted children but understood that over time, the topic could reopen for discussion. A few months ago, I was sitting in my pick-up when it hit me: now would be a great time for us to have a child, if we want to. I went home and immediately brought it up. Financial situation is pretty good, living arrangement is good, marriage going well--no technical reasons why we shouldn't bring a child into the world. So I buy a baby book to learn more about the whole process and talk to a select number of friends and relatives, just wanting to hear their advice and experiences. I go to the doctor and get the physical go-ahead. I start taking the vitamins and tracking my ovulation...
And then I freaked out.
I've always been of the opinion that you don't need a spouse and children to live a fulfilling life. I worked very hard to get a master's degree and a decent job, accomplishing all that I set out to do, while I watched my friends have children. In my perception, their sense of self disappeared as they became more and more overcome by the task of childrearing. Most of them left school and/or left their chosen professions after having children. And now I'm afraid that somehow, if I have a child, I will lose my sense of self too, that I won't be able to recognize myself.
I have lots of concerns that are undoubtedly selfish and immature. I fear that I won't have time for the many things I enjoy doing (yoga class, Latin and Greek translation groups, meditating, reading, playing video games and guitar, etc.). I fear that I won't have anything else to talk about. My biggest fear is that I'll regret it and resent the child. One woman jokingly said, "Oh yeah, you'll regret it all the time!"
My biggest issue with the whole thing is that I am the only person I know who has struggled so much with this decision. The past week has been especially difficult to take. My cousin had her second child on Monday--her only difficulty is deciding whether to have three or four. And then, I find out that my sister-in-law is pregnant. Just a few months ago, she and I were bonding over the fact that we were both apprehensive about having children. A few months later, she's made her decision and gone through with it.
Bottom line is that I'm feeling like a total reject. Why does this have to be so difficult for me? Most of the women I know, especially my friends and family who are close to me in age, have "just always known" that they've wanted kids. Why can't I just "know" too? Why do I have to be the freak that has to actually think about it and analyze it to death and agonize over it and post about it on the Internet?! Some have told me that to have reservations is natural and healthy. Others have rather bluntly said, If you're not one hundred percent sure, you never will be and you should just forget about it. They make me feel as though I am not a good woman if I don't just love children and yearn to have a few of my own. Not to mention my feeling of being a bad wife, now that my husband is gung-ho about the whole thing.
Any thoughts? Whatever you think, though, please be kind, as I am really torn up about this.
When we got married, neither of us wanted children but understood that over time, the topic could reopen for discussion. A few months ago, I was sitting in my pick-up when it hit me: now would be a great time for us to have a child, if we want to. I went home and immediately brought it up. Financial situation is pretty good, living arrangement is good, marriage going well--no technical reasons why we shouldn't bring a child into the world. So I buy a baby book to learn more about the whole process and talk to a select number of friends and relatives, just wanting to hear their advice and experiences. I go to the doctor and get the physical go-ahead. I start taking the vitamins and tracking my ovulation...
And then I freaked out.
I've always been of the opinion that you don't need a spouse and children to live a fulfilling life. I worked very hard to get a master's degree and a decent job, accomplishing all that I set out to do, while I watched my friends have children. In my perception, their sense of self disappeared as they became more and more overcome by the task of childrearing. Most of them left school and/or left their chosen professions after having children. And now I'm afraid that somehow, if I have a child, I will lose my sense of self too, that I won't be able to recognize myself.
I have lots of concerns that are undoubtedly selfish and immature. I fear that I won't have time for the many things I enjoy doing (yoga class, Latin and Greek translation groups, meditating, reading, playing video games and guitar, etc.). I fear that I won't have anything else to talk about. My biggest fear is that I'll regret it and resent the child. One woman jokingly said, "Oh yeah, you'll regret it all the time!"
My biggest issue with the whole thing is that I am the only person I know who has struggled so much with this decision. The past week has been especially difficult to take. My cousin had her second child on Monday--her only difficulty is deciding whether to have three or four. And then, I find out that my sister-in-law is pregnant. Just a few months ago, she and I were bonding over the fact that we were both apprehensive about having children. A few months later, she's made her decision and gone through with it.
Bottom line is that I'm feeling like a total reject. Why does this have to be so difficult for me? Most of the women I know, especially my friends and family who are close to me in age, have "just always known" that they've wanted kids. Why can't I just "know" too? Why do I have to be the freak that has to actually think about it and analyze it to death and agonize over it and post about it on the Internet?! Some have told me that to have reservations is natural and healthy. Others have rather bluntly said, If you're not one hundred percent sure, you never will be and you should just forget about it. They make me feel as though I am not a good woman if I don't just love children and yearn to have a few of my own. Not to mention my feeling of being a bad wife, now that my husband is gung-ho about the whole thing.
Any thoughts? Whatever you think, though, please be kind, as I am really torn up about this.