on msn.com
SERIOUSLY WTF!!?
Tom to Pacify Katie?
How far will Tom Cruise go to ensure Katie Holmes keeps her piehole plugged as she brings forth his progeny? Just days after reports surfaced that the "Dianetics"-devoted star had presented his about-to-blow fiancée with an iPod filled with her favorite tunes to help her through the Scientology-suggested noise-free delivery, there's word that he may be taking more serious steps to ensure her silence.
"He commissioned an adult-sized 'binky' for her to clench between her teeth, hoping that it'll squelch her screams," an insider alleges to Star (via the New York Daily News). "In keeping with a Scientology silent birth, Tom is prepared to do whatever it takes to muffle Katie's moans and groans during the delivery."
(And no, you're not alone in going to a scary visual place with the phrase, "whatever it takes to muffle" Holmes, a statement that manages to out-creep what Tom said in Germany last week about how he "won't let this woman get away." Eeek!)
The pacifier is purportedly made of plastic and is molded to fit Katie's mouth, which has been frozen into a perma-grin since she first hooked up with the amped-up A-lister in April 2005.
Still, as much fun as it is to picture the semi-retired starlet channeling Maggie Simpson as she pushes a person out of her, Cruise's rep insists the story isn't true.
For those unfamiliar with L. Ron Hubbard's views on childbirth, he believed silence was necessary "to save the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go."
That's not to say the woman can't make any sounds during labor. "Screaming is fine," fellow proselytizing Scientologist Kelly Preston, aka Mrs. John Travolta, tells the Insider. "Sounds and screaming. It's the words. If you can -- avoid saying certain phrases and words. Just try to keep it as quiet as possible."
So to sum up, "screaming is fine," as long as it's "as quiet as possible." Gotcha.
Anyhoo, Katie is killing time before she silently slouches into motherhood by doing a little retail therapy. On Tuesday, she popped into Barneys in Los Angeles -- burly bodyguards in tow -- to pick out a few baby items.
Us reports she snapped up some onesies in blue and green, but before you jump to any conclusions about whether she's carrying a boy or a girl, keep in mind that just a few weeks ago she shelled out for several pink ensembles.
"She shops for baby clothes like she doesn't know what she is having," a saleswoman tattles to the mag. "Sometimes I think she is trying to throw people off with how she is shopping. It is very strange."
This gender confusion has led Us, which features the dead-eyed duo on this week's cover with the headline, "Baby Battle: The secret world of Scientology kids -- and why Katie's parents fear for their daughter," to raise the chilling possibility that she might bring forth two TomKittens.
Although the sonogram-performing Cruise isn't saying what exactly is baking in Katie's oven, he does, through an "amazing" coincidence, have another baby about to arrive, the big budget "Mission: Impossible III," which hits theaters May 5.
In a refreshing change from the psychiatry bashing and couch abusing he performed while stumping for "War of the Worlds" last summer, he's kicking off this promotional push by dredging up the lousy relationship he had with his late father.
"He was a bully and a coward -- the person where, if something goes wrong, they kick you," Tom reveals to Parade. "It was a great lesson in my life -- how he'd lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang!"
Adds the star, "For me it was like, 'There's something wrong with this guy. Don't trust him. Be careful around him.' There's that anxiety."
Cruise, who has probably devoted more than a few e-meter sessions discussing the man he dubbed "the merchant of chaos," also admits how he never quite fit in as a kid.
"I had no really close friend," he recalls. "I was always the new kid with the wrong shoes, the wrong accent. I didn't have the friend to share things with and confide in."
Compounding his problems was a dyslexia diagnosis, a label he says "instantly put me into confusion. It was an absolute affront to my dignity."
Says Tom, "I remember thinking, 'I've got to figure this out. What's normal? Am I normal? Who's to say what's normal?' I didn't understand what 'normal' is. It still doesn't make sense."
You don't say.