yolland
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This New York Times story from yesterday, as well as an offhand comment of Irvine's in a recent post, got me to thinking about the decidely non-Valentiney subject of inter(faith)marriages.
I myself am of a very mixed mind about it. On the one hand, like most Jews I'm deeply troubled by the decline in Jewish observance, and Jewish identity more generally, which has resulted from our high intermarriage rate. To that extent, I like the idea of actively encouraging non-Jewish spouses (especiallly nonreligious ones who are, or plan to be, parents) to take courses on running a Jewish household and family, send their kids to Camp Ramah, etc. After all, Conservative Jews by definition are supposed to be observant, and full observance does require some mutuality where running a household is concerned. (If you think this sounds unwelcoming, well a lot of intermarried Conservatives would agree with you, as they tend to depart for Reform synagogues in droves after marrying. Or to get married, period, since Conservative rabbis are forbidden to perform interfaith marriages. Our numbers are shrinking markedly relative to Reform Jews, and this is a big part of why. It will be interesting to see how the denomination-switchers react now that the Reform movement is taking a similar tack. I should qualify that not all Reform rabbis will perform intermarriages; however, it is not forbidden to them.)
On the other hand, I'm uncomfortable with actively encouraging anyone to actually convert, and pretty much dead-set against it in the case of practicing Christian spouses. (The USCJ announcement lamely ducks this issue by emphasizing that many interfaith marriages are in fact "interfaithless," never acknowledging that many aren't too). I worry that this could backfire and alienate non-Jewish spouses, damaging marriages and perhaps driving their Jewish spouses away as well. I worry that it could send an invasive, arm-twisting message to both partners: Come on now, you didn't really mean or know what you were doing when you freely chose to marry someone of a different religious background, did you?
Most of all, I have mixed feelings about where the children of interfaith marriages fall in all this. I must admit I really dislike the "we'll raise our children to feel equally at home in a church and a synagogue" philosophy, and have never met a product of such a home who feels like they chose the one they eventually did (or neither) for fully nonconflicted reasons. Besides, purely from a parenting perspective, I don't see how you can feel you truly gave your child a solid foundation in whichever religious community you belong to, when you're constantly shuffling them back and forth between peers who have their feet firmly planted in one or the other. And what about the points at which the two religions make conflicting claims? How can you expect your child, at 16 or 18 or whatever, to ultimately make a mature, intellectually robust, social-pressure-free assessment of which theology they prefer--don't you think the contradictions (and resulting identity crisis) will be painfully apparent to them long before that?
At the same time, again, I worry this sends an invasive and arm-twisting message to interfaith (or "interfaithless") couples that they themselves aren't the best judges of where their children fit into their respective religious destinies (or lack thereof). For the marriage's sake and the children's sake, parents really need to be holding the keys when it comes to these decisions--there is an inviolability of authority there that I feel must be respected. If they've decided to raise their kids Jewish, great--by all means, let's actively encourage family observance classes and the like to facilitate that. But if not--well, they've made that choice on the basis of some shared vision (integral to their marriage) of whom and what they wish their children to become or not become, and I worry it would be to everyone's detriment to insist, however subtly, that a different path would be superior.
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I don't mean to make this a Jewish issues thread, though--interfaith(less) marriages is an issue relevant to everybody. And Jews are not alone in finding the dimension of preserving a strong historic/cultural legacy to be an additional aggravant here--Catholics, Mormons, Mennonites and some strongly ethnic-associated Christian communities, like LivLuv's I believe, have similar concerns.
If you're a mainline or "standard nonaffiliated" Protestant--how would you feel about, and how would you react, to your child's wishing to marry a Catholic? a Jew? a Mormon? a Muslim? If you're Catholic, how would you feel about and what would you tell your child who wishes to marry a Southern Baptist, say, or a Conservative Jew? If you aren't conventionally religious, how would you feel and what would you say about your child marrying into, for example, an observant Jewish, or Catholic, or Mormon community (and your grandchildren being raised in it)? What do you-all think about synagogues actively encouraging non-Jewish spouses to convert, and/or to raise their children as Jews?
Most weeks we attend a Conservative synagogue in a nearby city, where the USCJ initiative (4th paragraph above) was announced back in December to a swell of shocked murmurs from the congregation. Our outreach committee is still hotly debating how to respond.In this age of potpourri spirituality, Anique Olivier-Mason, 25, classifies herself generally as a Christian: she grew up Catholic and often attends a Presbyterian church near her home. But on a recent Friday night, she was attending Sabbath services at Larchmont Temple. Mrs. Olivier-Mason's husband, Joshua, is Jewish, and the couple became members of the synagogue, in Westchester County, last summer, committing to immersing themselves in the 800-family congregation. On this night, she stood by gamely as her husband, 25, bobbed, swayed and sang in enthusiastic Hebrew with others in the temple.
For the most part, concerted efforts to encourage non-Jewish spouses to convert have been frowned upon. Now, however, in what would be a major shift of outlook for Reform Judaism — the largest and most liberal of the three major streams of American Judaism, with some 1.5 million members — that may be changing. Concerned about what intermarriage is doing to American Judaism, Rabbi Eric H. Yoffie, president of the Union for Reform Judaism, the organization of the country's Reform Jewish congregations, recently called for Reform synagogues to increase their efforts to convert non-Jewish spouses. By welcoming and accepting gentile spouses, Reform congregations have "perhaps sent the message that we do not care if they convert," Rabbi Yoffie said at the union's most recent conference, in November. "But that is not our message. The time has come to reverse direction by returning to public conversions and doing all the other things that encourage conversion in our synagogues."
Now, Reform congregations across the country are wrestling with how to respond. The push, which is accompanied by materials and initiatives on "inviting and supporting conversion," treads on emotionally fraught territory for thousands of interfaith families. It also clashes with a longstanding aversion among many Jews to anything resembling proselytizing. Rabbinic tradition dictates that when converts come forward, they should be rejected three times, said Rabbi Yoffie, in an interview. But he said it also says that if they persist and are truly interested, then they should be welcomed. In April, the Union for Reform Judaism's Greater New York Council plans to hold a seminar for its approximately 90 congregations in the region on how to raise the topic of conversion "in a way that's loving, not threatening," said Rabbi Eric B. Stark, the council's president.
Reform Jews are not alone in their efforts. A month after Rabbi Yoffie's comments, Rabbi Jerome M. Epstein, the leader of the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism, made a similar call, urging Conservative Jews as well to be more aggressive in seeking converts among non-Jewish spouses. Together, Reform and Conservative Jews make up a majority of Jews in the United States.
In some ways, because the Olivier-Masons do not yet have children, they are prime candidates for the kind of encouragement that Jewish leaders are pitching. Yet they also embody many of the challenges. The couple's current plan is to raise their children steeped in both religions, a practice most Jewish leaders oppose. "We intend to instill in our children a feeling of spirituality in the sense that they can feel comfortable both in a Christian church and in a Jewish synagogue," Mrs. Olivier-Mason said.
Weighing heavily on many Jewish leaders is the continued high rate of intermarriage in Judaism. According to the 2000-1 National Jewish Population Survey, the intermarriage rate for Jews who have married since 1996 is 47 percent. [The Survey doesn't actually name this figure. I'm guessing what they did was average the intermarriage rate for Jews with 2 Jewish parents (22%) and Jews with 1 Jewish parent (74%).--yolland] Just as important to Jewish leaders is what happens to the children of those marriages. "The truth is, not more than about a third of the products of mixed marriage identify Jewishly," said Jonathan D. Sarna, a professor of American Jewish history at Brandeis University. "There is a great fear that if a small Jewish community simply acquiesces to a situation of high intermarriage, that pretty soon, do the math, that a small community, which is really an endangered religious species, will simply disappear."
At Larchmont, the growing interfaith community is anchored by the temple's outreach committee, which caters to mixed-marriage families with discussion groups, educational events and get-togethers. Encouraging conversion is not part of the committee's mandate, nor should it be, said Anne Gittelman, co-chairwoman of the group, who converted to Judaism several years ago. She decided to convert, she said, only after her son, whom she and her husband had decided to raise as a Jew, started attending public schools and was suddenly exposed heavily to Christmas. The family had been spending Christmases with Mrs. Gittelman's mother and Easters with Mrs. Gittelman's sister. One day after school, her son, at age 5, blurted out, "I want to be like Mommy's family."
The outburst proved decisive. Intent on eliminating future confusion, Mrs. Gittelman approached Rabbi Sirkman, and the pair spent more than a year together studying and discussing conversion. Despite her personal decision, Mrs. Gittelman said she had mixed feelings about the push. "Where I would be uncomfortable is that we encourage the thought of conversion," she said. "I'm wary of that, because I don't think I would have appreciated that except from my 5-year-old son."
To Mrs. Olivier-Mason, whose husband often goes with her to the Presbyterian church, the worries about Judaism's future make sense. She is comfortable at Larchmont, but if leaders were noticeably to increase the pressure on her to convert, she said, "There might be a time when I feel like I don't want to go."
I myself am of a very mixed mind about it. On the one hand, like most Jews I'm deeply troubled by the decline in Jewish observance, and Jewish identity more generally, which has resulted from our high intermarriage rate. To that extent, I like the idea of actively encouraging non-Jewish spouses (especiallly nonreligious ones who are, or plan to be, parents) to take courses on running a Jewish household and family, send their kids to Camp Ramah, etc. After all, Conservative Jews by definition are supposed to be observant, and full observance does require some mutuality where running a household is concerned. (If you think this sounds unwelcoming, well a lot of intermarried Conservatives would agree with you, as they tend to depart for Reform synagogues in droves after marrying. Or to get married, period, since Conservative rabbis are forbidden to perform interfaith marriages. Our numbers are shrinking markedly relative to Reform Jews, and this is a big part of why. It will be interesting to see how the denomination-switchers react now that the Reform movement is taking a similar tack. I should qualify that not all Reform rabbis will perform intermarriages; however, it is not forbidden to them.)
On the other hand, I'm uncomfortable with actively encouraging anyone to actually convert, and pretty much dead-set against it in the case of practicing Christian spouses. (The USCJ announcement lamely ducks this issue by emphasizing that many interfaith marriages are in fact "interfaithless," never acknowledging that many aren't too). I worry that this could backfire and alienate non-Jewish spouses, damaging marriages and perhaps driving their Jewish spouses away as well. I worry that it could send an invasive, arm-twisting message to both partners: Come on now, you didn't really mean or know what you were doing when you freely chose to marry someone of a different religious background, did you?
Most of all, I have mixed feelings about where the children of interfaith marriages fall in all this. I must admit I really dislike the "we'll raise our children to feel equally at home in a church and a synagogue" philosophy, and have never met a product of such a home who feels like they chose the one they eventually did (or neither) for fully nonconflicted reasons. Besides, purely from a parenting perspective, I don't see how you can feel you truly gave your child a solid foundation in whichever religious community you belong to, when you're constantly shuffling them back and forth between peers who have their feet firmly planted in one or the other. And what about the points at which the two religions make conflicting claims? How can you expect your child, at 16 or 18 or whatever, to ultimately make a mature, intellectually robust, social-pressure-free assessment of which theology they prefer--don't you think the contradictions (and resulting identity crisis) will be painfully apparent to them long before that?
At the same time, again, I worry this sends an invasive and arm-twisting message to interfaith (or "interfaithless") couples that they themselves aren't the best judges of where their children fit into their respective religious destinies (or lack thereof). For the marriage's sake and the children's sake, parents really need to be holding the keys when it comes to these decisions--there is an inviolability of authority there that I feel must be respected. If they've decided to raise their kids Jewish, great--by all means, let's actively encourage family observance classes and the like to facilitate that. But if not--well, they've made that choice on the basis of some shared vision (integral to their marriage) of whom and what they wish their children to become or not become, and I worry it would be to everyone's detriment to insist, however subtly, that a different path would be superior.
-------------------------------------------------
I don't mean to make this a Jewish issues thread, though--interfaith(less) marriages is an issue relevant to everybody. And Jews are not alone in finding the dimension of preserving a strong historic/cultural legacy to be an additional aggravant here--Catholics, Mormons, Mennonites and some strongly ethnic-associated Christian communities, like LivLuv's I believe, have similar concerns.
If you're a mainline or "standard nonaffiliated" Protestant--how would you feel about, and how would you react, to your child's wishing to marry a Catholic? a Jew? a Mormon? a Muslim? If you're Catholic, how would you feel about and what would you tell your child who wishes to marry a Southern Baptist, say, or a Conservative Jew? If you aren't conventionally religious, how would you feel and what would you say about your child marrying into, for example, an observant Jewish, or Catholic, or Mormon community (and your grandchildren being raised in it)? What do you-all think about synagogues actively encouraging non-Jewish spouses to convert, and/or to raise their children as Jews?
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