Death By Karaoke
?2002 Carole Moore
Karaoke is to the 90's what leisure suits, goldfish swallowing and sideburns as wide as the Grand Canyon were to previous decades. Only this Japanese invention is much worse than the silliness of the past.
Karaoke, for those of you with the good sense to avoid it, allows people who couldn't sing on key at gunpoint to commit public music felonies. The way it works is pretty simple: there's a microphone and a machine that plays background music while a scrolling screen provides the perpetrator with the song's words. The object is for the singer (and I use that word very loosely) to warble along like he's Frank Sinatra, only without the talent or stage presence.
The reason karaoke is so popular are the qualifications for participation: one must be able to read. That's it. Being able to actually sing means nothing, but extra points are given for extreme inebriation, total disregard for rhythm, and touches of sado-masochism.
Recently I had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, where marathon karaoke was being perpetrated. People of all shapes, sizes, colors, creeds and religions lined up for their turn at the mike. They were tall, they were small, they were fat, they were skinny, they were bald, they were hairy. They were as diverse a lot as one could ever hope to see in one place at one time. It was a veritable United Nations of discord.
Consider, if you will, the two middle-aged women with poodle perms, halter tops and stretch short-shorts singing a Shania Twain number while urging spectators to clap along. While the crowd did find something to do with their hands, they certainly weren't clapping. This act was followed by a skinny kid who thought he was Will C. Smith -- he wasn't -- and a couple of teens who did the impossible with a Spice Girls song: they actually made the Spice Girls seem good by comparison.
I don't know why karaoke inspires some people to depart from the sanctity of their shower stall and hit the big time. Believe me, anyone who thinks they sound like Whitney Houston while wet comes across like Daffy Duck as soon as they grab that karaoke mike. It's an immutable fact.
But if possessing actual talent isn't a karaoke practitioner's strong suit, most make up for what they lack in talent with sheer guts. It doesn't take much fortitude to get up on a stage in front of a crowd of hot, sun-burned, extremely irritable people if you truly sound like Smokey Robinson or Mariah Carey. But when you stink -- or to paraphrase the Spice Girls, when you "really, really" stink -- that's an entirely different ballgame.
And that's what karaoke has done for us. It's given the guy who wouldn't normally hum while he mows the yard leave to jump up and make a complete idiot out of himself in front of a crowd because everyone's doing it. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE? DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOUR MOTHER USED TO SAY?
"If everyone jumped off a bridge does that mean you would, too?" Oh, how soon we forget!
So, if someone you love has a weak moment and picks up a karaoke mike, do the right thing. Save him and the rest of us from the torture that's sure to follow. Talk to him, plead with him, bribe him if need be. And if that doesn't work, tell him his mom called and said it was OK after all for him to go ahead and jump off that bridge.
Trust me. It's the right thing to do