First Annual Blue Crack Joke Contest!

[Numb1075]

um, what' black and white and red all over.....

newspaper

 

[YBORCITY]

A mother and father tomatoe is walking thier child down the street when at last the father turns around and squashes his son.... Horrified the mother says why did you do that? the father says I was tired of telling him to......... Ketchup

 

[BonosBaby12]

YB you have a fan in me

 

[Tilli]

Please don't encourage him

 

[4EVRU2]

This is only a joke.

Bono and Edge are travelling in an airplane. The plane crashes during a severe storm and all lives are lost. Bono & Edge find themselves in Heaven and before them sitting on a grand throne is God. God tells them if they answer His question truthfully, they will enter the Kingdom of Heaven to experience everlasting happiness.

God turns to Edge and asks "What do you believe, Edge?"

Edge replies " I believe in the power of rock n roll and Gibson guitars!! "

God smiles, and says, " Excellent, you may enter. "

After Edge leaves, God turns to Bono. He asks Bono "What do you believe? "

With a wry smile and glint in his eye, Bono replies " I believe you are sitting in my chair! "

..... although I thought this was your original, but it seems it's not...

 

[4EVRU2]

An Accountant, a Lawyer and a Cowboy were standing Side-by-Side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and
commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be Environmentally Conscious." The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said," I graduated
from the University of Alberta and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

 

[JanuaryStar]

This is only a joke.

Bono and Edge are travelling in an airplane. The plane crashes during a severe storm and all lives are lost. Bono & Edge find themselves in Heaven and before them sitting on a grand throne is God. God tells them if they answer His question truthfully, they will enter the Kingdom of Heaven to experience everlasting happiness.

God turns to Edge and asks "What do you believe, Edge?"

Edge replies " I believe in the power of rock n roll and Gibson guitars!! "

God smiles, and says, " Excellent, you may enter. "

After Edge leaves, God turns to Bono. He asks Bono "What do you believe? "

With a wry smile and glint in his eye, Bono replies " I believe you are sitting in my chair! "

 

[BonosBaby12]

Please don't encourage him

Sorry it can't be helped

 

[RavenBlue]

Bill Clinton and The Pope died the same day. In a mix up, The Pope wound up going to hell and Clinton to heaven.

Finally the paperwork was settled and they were sent to their true respective places.

Clinton and the Pope came face to face on their journies.

The Pope was saying how he couldn't wait to see the Virgin Mary.

To which Clinton replied

"Too late"

 

[YBORCITY]

Please don't encourage him

Thanks BonosBaby
I just though of another one:

Wife: why haven't you fixed the Bathroom faucet
Husband: Does it look like I have "Plumber" written in my shirt?
Next Night Husband comes home.....
wife: Why haven't you fixed the stove?
Husband: Does it look like I have "electrician" written on my shirt?
A week passes....
Wife: Why haven't you fixed the basement stairs?
Husband: Does it look like i have "Carpenter" written on my shirt?
A month passes by and the husband comes home from work and it occurs to him that the faucet, stove and stairs have all been fixed......
Husband: Did you call in the plumber, electrician and carpenter to fix all of the problems?
Wife: Why no Dear, it was just our luck our new next door nieghbor is a handy man and I asked him if he could fix our problems.
Husband : How much money did he charge us?
Wife: Well he said that he wouldn't accept any cash but that I could repay him by either baking him a cake or making love to him.
Husband: Well, what kind of cake did you make him?
Wife: What, does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my shirt?









Oh one more..........

How was it proven that Eve was the first carpenter?

She was the first person to make Adam's banana stand

 

[BonosBaby12]

You are very welcome

at the new ones you posted!

 

[verte76]

This is a great idea! I don't have a joke, but I'll just laugh at the jokes posted by others.

 

[RedRocksU2]

Re: Re: First Annual Blue Crack Joke Contest!

Seriously?
or is the one Carlos' strange twisted humour?

No, it's real. I got the certificate right here.


Good job so far guys.....

Remember..........only Blue Crack addicts will vote on the winner.

Keep them coming.


("Ketchup"....I love that joke)

 

[tuwie]

That is one of my favorite jokes . . . ever! One day at work someone told me that joke and I laughed so hard for, so long that just thinking about it now years later makes me laugh!

awww yay!!
it's one of my favorites EVER too! <3 i still laugh every time.

here's another corny one.
There's this king who had three cups.
the first cup was full. the second cup was full.
but the third cup was half empty.
what's his name?




king Phillip the Third

 

[RavenBlue]

And now... some obligatory banjo jokes:


What did the banjo player get on his IQ test? Drool…

How can you tell if the stage is level? If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

What is the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.

Banjos are to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

Tada!

 

[Carek1230]

A mother and father tomatoe is walking thier child down the street when at last the father turns around and squashes his son.... Horrified the mother says why did you do that? the father says I was tired of telling him to......... Ketchup

Love it!

 

[Carek1230]

This one was posted in another thread by Carlos and it's a really good one so I'm moving it over here, hope you don't mind RR


Originally posted by RedrocksU2
So, ... Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.

He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President, " says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

 

[Mr. BAW]

Ok, here's the deal, do you have a good joke?
Post it here and you will be in the running for a special prize.

Judging will be made by crack Addicts only.


The prize?

30 iTunes song downloads!

Good luck

(Special thanks to Elvis for allowing me to do this.)

So you and Elvis, huh????

 

[bono_212]

I might have to take a picture of myself for this joke to work, but I'll try using smilies for now

A man is doing a job interview, and so far he's doing splendidly. The interviewer has already decided he's going to hire him, but just for the heck of it asks him one more question.
Interviewer: Ok, just one more question. Tell me about something you've done recently that you just consider to be great or amazing.

The man thinks for a few seconds and then says, "Well, the other day I was out fishing in my boat, when I fell off and got my arm caught in the fan. My arm got completly sliced off. I grabbed it and got myself back into the boat. Using my fishing line, I sewed my arm back on, and got help."

The interviewer is in shock, " That's just...wow, I can't believe that. You've definently got the job."

The man stands up and goes Cool

 

[hiphop]

And now... some obligatory banjo jokes:


What did the banjo player get on his IQ test? Drool…

How can you tell if the stage is level? If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

What is the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.

Banjos are to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

Tada!

now what is the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?

you put out your shoes before you jump on the trampoline

 

[waynetravis]

3 guys stand at the top of a cliff and they're told, if they jump off and wish for something when they reach the bottom, they'll get it.
the first guy jumps and says "Money!", and he lands in a big pile of money.
the second guy jumps and says "Beer!" and he lands in a massive pool of beer.
the third guy slips and falls of the cliff and yells "Shit!".

 

[RavenBlue]

Ewww

 

[Merc]

I think they also had a U2-joke with God and Paul McCartney (who has died and gone to heaven), and one about Bono and God in a boat... but I can't remember what site it was! Anyone know what I'm talking about?

I think I finally found the site - but now it's closed down (enjoyu2.com)!


But please, keep the jokes coming - they're great!

 

[RavenBlue]

A Russian, a Cuban, and two Americans, (a guitar player and a banjo player) were sharing a compartment on a train. The Russian in an attempt to impress the other passengers says, "In Russia we have so much vodka that we can afford to throw it away." He then throws a bottle of fine Russian vodka out the window. In a spirit of one-upmanship, the Cuban replies, "In Cuba, we have so many fine cigars that we can simply throw them away." And the Cuban proceeds to throw a box of the finest Cuban cigars out the window. Not to be outdone, the guitar player says nothing, he just stands up and throws the banjo player out of the window...

 

[deep]

A clown goes to the doctor

the doctor asks "what's wrong"

clown says "i feel funny"

 

[DreamOutLoud13]

Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second cow: "Aren't you worried about mad cow disease?" The second cow says: "Of course not. I'm a helicopter."

 

[Tilli]

I might have to take a picture of myself for this joke to work, but I'll try using smilies for now

A man is doing a job interview, and so far he's doing splendidly. The interviewer has already decided he's going to hire him, but just for the heck of it asks him one more question.
Interviewer: Ok, just one more question. Tell me about something you've done recently that you just consider to be great or amazing.

The man thinks for a few seconds and then says, "Well, the other day I was out fishing in my boat, when I fell off and got my arm caught in the fan. My arm got completly sliced off. I grabbed it and got myself back into the boat. Using my fishing line, I sewed my arm back on, and got help."

The interviewer is in shock, " That's just...wow, I can't believe that. You've definently got the job."

The man stands up and goes Cool

it worked with the smilies

 

[sue4u2]

This one was posted in another thread by Carlos and it's a really good one so I'm moving it over here, hope you don't mind RR


Originally posted by RedrocksU2
So, ... Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.

He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President, " says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

Now that's just frigging funny...

I'm still laughing!!

 

[trevster2k]

So there's this pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the pirate grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT,!"

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the pirate gets mad and he and locks the bird in a cupboard.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the pirate finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush.

At that point, the pirate is so mad that he throws the parrot into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the pirate just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the pirate's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"

 

[fah]

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.