ask whortense (or how i learned to stop worrying & love the "sunday night sex show")

[meegannie]

Why is Eric so bossy all of a sudden?

 

[daisybean]

Who's Eric?

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

whortense, since you're such a man eater, what do think is the best way to snare a hottie?

get drunk and "open" yourself up...if you know what i mean. you'll certainly get a few men that way...

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

Whoretence:
Why is it the Sunday night sex show? Is it because people want to forget about going to work on Monday?

http://www.oxygen.com/sexshow/

it's a show on oprah's cable network. duuuuuh. an old woman talks about raunchy sex to people who call in. it's amusing when she brings out the dildos.

I very much enjoy your exploits, and was hoping you would release some collectible figurines in the near future. Have you ever considered releasing a collectible for each enchanting and famous person that you've entangled in your web of romance?

Sincerely,

The Cyclops

of course!

what do you think of the prototype photo for me?

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

where did whortense go?

eating continental pheasant with bearess and countess chocula. of course.

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

Why is Eric so bossy all of a sudden?

he's pms-ing.

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

Who's Eric?

someone meegannie knows.

of course.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Why do I love you so much, even though I am a girl?

 

[Screaming Flower]

i agree. why am i so sexually attracted to whortense.

i would also like to add that i caught the sunday night sex show once, and that horrible old lady put a dildo contraption on her face. i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

are you friends with her?

 

[notiti]

What should I bring to my freind's birthday party on Saturday?

 

[Zoomerang96]

whortence: what do you make of people who have sex change operations, only to wind up having same sex marriages?

for instance, i saw on tv, this guy who had a sex change to become a woman (and what a woman ) and then he married another woman.

why did they do that, whortence?

and one more question if i may, would you ever change into a guy, and still date or marry them?

 

[Angela Harlem]

Why do you look like Gerri Blank?

 

[Basstrap]

How, Since time is infinite, do we ever reach the present? Seeing as how the time between one second and another can be divided an infinte number of times(i.e. mins- secs; secs- 1/2 sec; 1/2- 1/2 1/2 sec; so forth unto infinity) is stands to reason that one could never get from second 1 to second 2.

So is the present, therefore, just an illusion?

 

[Ody]

what do you think of the prototype photo for me?

It's nice but why does it look like you were punched in the face by your lover? Although it is a nice realistic touch, it may be hard to find a company that would support "battered dolls" or some such.

To Bassie: Never bring up Xeno's paradoxes in threads that I read please. I'm too tempted to go into a diatribe about the nature of time, and some such.

*kicks himself for starting*

*edit, I just said some such at least twice in that above post. Wow am I tired. Maybe I should just leave and go home. heh.

 

[Ody]

Whoretence, why do you get bored and stop answering questions?

The adoring public needs answers. To whom will they turn if not you?

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

Why do I love you so much, even though I am a girl?

because i am loud, obnoxious, and verbally abusive. people all think that the quiet, sensitive, and caring guys are all gay. of course, that doesn't explain why you have a lesbian attraction to me; perhaps it is from my very manly attributes?

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

i would also like to add that i caught the sunday night sex show once, and that horrible old lady put a dildo contraption on her face. i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

are you friends with her?

she is my teacher and mentor. i like to try on all the dildos and vibrators on myself, and then i pass them on to her to show that they aren't dangerous to use. she doesn't like defective sex toys.

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

What should I bring to my freind's birthday party on Saturday?

a blow up sex doll. maybe one named "butch" or something. then you can inflate it, and bounce it all around. people like that kind of stuff.

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

whortence: what do you make of people who have sex change operations, only to wind up having same sex marriages?

it is more of a question of sexual identity than sexual orientation. some people sincerely believe that they were meant to be the opposite sex than what they are, and feel most comfortable as that sex. this is wholly independent of sexual orientation and attraction issues.

and one more question if i may, would you ever change into a guy, and still date or marry them?

i'm a very happy XY female, thank you very much!

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

Why do you look like Gerri Blank?

because amy sedaris looks a lot like me.

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

How, Since time is infinite, do we ever reach the present? Seeing as how the time between one second and another can be divided an infinte number of times(i.e. mins- secs; secs- 1/2 sec; 1/2- 1/2 1/2 sec; so forth unto infinity) is stands to reason that one could never get from second 1 to second 2.

So is the present, therefore, just an illusion?

this question is utter gibberish. it would be like asking, "since the sky is blue, why does my cat urinate in my mouth?" just because you can divide time into infinite segments is independent of the fact that time, in fact, does advance.

it is my view, however, that time is a cultural construct. it is simply a way for us to measure and comprehend history.

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

It's nice but why does it look like you were punched in the face by your lover?

you insensitive crack whore...

want to go out on a date?

 

[Bathtime Fun Whortense]

Whoretence, why do you get bored and stop answering questions?

because bathtime fun whortense has a day job, unlike her gold-digging sister, malibu whortense, who is busy leeching off of malibu david hasselhoff. how else am i to raise my 25 bathtime fun children, and prepare them all for a harvard education?

The adoring public needs answers. To whom will they turn if not you?

they won't turn to anyone else, because they all know that i have the correct answers. even miss cleo can't foretell that.

 

[Screaming Flower]

omg i am so in love with whortense.

 

[daisybean]

me too I think it's the she uses with every post.

My question is: what is Bathtime Fun Whortense's day job?

 

[ACROB@T]

If someone wished to woo Malibu say be it on Valentine's Day..how might one approach a declaration of admiration for your sister..be it the person in question does not have a healthy bank balance or secure future..I ask on behalf of someone I know..

...?

~.*~
Mrs R: ....and another thing - I asked for a room with a view
Basil: (sarcastically looks out window) This is the view as far as I can remember, madam. Yes, this is it
Mrs R: When I pay for a view I expect something more interesting than that
Basil: That is Torquay, madam
Mrs R: Well, it's not good enough
Basil: Well...may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeeste sweeping majestically...
Mrs. R: I expected to see the sea
Basil: You can see the sea, it is over there between the land and the sky
Mrs. R: I'd need a telescope to see that
Basil: Well, may I suggest you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea. Or preferably in it
Mrs R: I'm not satisfied, but I have decided to stay. However, I shall expect a reduction
Basil: Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?

 

[Screaming Flower]

acro + malibu = true 4ever

 

[Ali Rose]

this question is utter gibberish. it would be like asking, "since the sky is blue, why does my cat urinate in my mouth?"

I havent laughed that hard in a Loooooong time. You are my hero whortence.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

i want a whortense poster

 

[Screaming Flower]

whortense will you go out with me?