Kim Jong Il interprets sunrise, release of U2 album as acts of war. - U2 Feedback

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Old 11-02-2006, 12:32 PM   #1
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Kim Jong Il interprets sunrise, release of U2 album as acts of war.

At least according to The Onion.

PYONGYANG, North Korea (The Onion) -- Increasingly defiant toward international pressure since his nation's first nuclear test in early October, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il condemned this morning's sunrise, calling it "another hostile, deliberately timed act by the world community" and "a clear and blatant declaration of war."
According to North Korean military sources, the sunrise, sighted at 6:17 a.m. by patrolling officers, was not fully confirmed until an hour later, at which time Kim assessed the threat himself, and immediately released a harshly worded warning to the U.S. and the United Nations Security Council.
"The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea condemns, in the strongest possible terms, this act of aggression on our eastern border," read a statement printed in the state-run Korean Central News Agency. "If another act of this nature occurs at any time in the next 24 hours, we will be left with no choice but to retaliate with the full might and power of our armed forces."
In addition to denouncing the "imperialist invasive assault," Kim also supplied the U.N. with an extensive list of "unacceptable" international actions. According to Kim's list, North Korea will no longer tolerate the encroachment of Japanese waters onto its western shore, will view the accumulation of cumulus clouds in restricted airspace as acts of intimidation, and will not hesitate to respond militarily to any "violent and unprovoked bursts of wind."
Kim outlined further "extreme transgressions" that would be worthy of more immediate and serious military retaliation.
"Economic sanctions on North Korean imports and exports, the reintroduction of cuff links as a fashion accessory, a sudden drop in lower-middle-class spending habits, sporadic changes in the migratory patterns of monarch butterflies, the announcement of yet another new sports drink, a daily rise in the Dow Jones Industrial Average higher than 3.5 points, shorter hemlines, inspections of North Korean cargo in an attempt to intercept weapons or weapons parts, or the release of a new U2 album -- any of these actions will be interpreted as an act of war, and force us to take drastic measures to protect our sovereignty," said Kim in a written statement, which also warned that the world's third-largest standing army is prepared to deliver a "merciless blow at a moment's notice" if warmer water from the Tsushima Current reaches North Korean shores. "Though we desire peace, we have seen the signs of war on the horizon, and we are not afraid to act."
Despite claims from China that Kim's statements are "nothing more than hollow threats," the U.S. remains worried that the communist republic may test a second nuclear weapon in response to Sony's new line of 62-inch flat-screen television sets.
"The United States wants nothing more than to engage the North Koreans in diplomatic talks, but we will not simply cave in to these bullying tactics," said Secretary Of State Condoleezza Rice, who called the Asian nation's response to Wednesday's events "politically questionable." "That said, we are carefully reviewing their demands, and believe we can find some common ground on concerns over NBC's Thursday-night lineup."
Kim Jong Il decried Rice's remarks, the side to which her hair was parted, and the fact that she was wearing blue, calling each an "indisputable and highly charged admission of war that North Korea will not be cowed by."
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Old 11-02-2006, 12:37 PM   #2
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Come to think of it, Bono's new haircut must have been the reason for the test firing
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Old 11-02-2006, 12:38 PM   #3
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Yeah, maybe Kim Jong Il felt like he had to cut his finally.
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Old 11-02-2006, 12:47 PM   #4
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Some people around here would have you believe that the release of the new greatest hits package is a legitimate act of war.
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Old 11-02-2006, 01:07 PM   #5
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The Onion's great!
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Old 11-02-2006, 01:09 PM   #6
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How cool would it be if it were true?
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Old 11-02-2006, 03:05 PM   #7
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Who can blame him. U2's trying to get everyone to dismantle atomic bombs.

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Old 11-02-2006, 10:48 PM   #8
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Wow......something like this could have changed the results at The Battle of Helm's Deep!!



from Wikipedia...

"In the movie, 10,000 of Saruman's Uruk-hai consisting of 100 berserkers, 2,900 archers, and 7,000 Uruk swordsmen lay siege to the fortress, which is defended by around 300 Rohirrim (before the battle, Legolas states their strength to be "three hundred against ten thousand", but he may have meant at that time, as more were fleeing to the fortress. Visually there are more than 300 appearing on screen in the battle) — and 200 Elven archers. (The numbers are as detailed in the movie tie-in book The Lord of the Rings: Weapons and Warfare, though they disregard that some uruks were armed with pikes as well.) The defenders suffer heavy losses, but hold out till DAWN, when Gandalf arrives with two thousand riders led by Éomer, who finally turn the tide of the battle and send Saruman's forces into retreat. In the Extended Edition, the Huorns make an appearance; they were absent from the theatrical cut."
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Old 11-03-2006, 01:51 AM   #9
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Old 11-03-2006, 12:26 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by VintagePunk
Some people around here would have you believe that the release of the new greatest hits package is a legitimate act of war.
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