Irvine511
Blue Crack Supplier
Mr. Green Eyes said:I'm gay, and I was wondering was the best way, in your opinion, to come out to your friends and family?
there is no one way to do it. it is different for everybody.
based on my experience, friends are easier. there's less at stake with them, and chances are, most of them might already have a clue or have talked about it with other friends. they probably won't be as surprised as you think they might be, and most will probably be flattered that you came out to them.
my advice, for friend, is not to make coming out into a big event. i don't agree with the approach of, "can we go get coffee? there's something really important i have to tell you." they might think someone has died or you have cancer. instead, i'd recommend bringing it up as part of conversation if you were to go out together, say at dinner or having beers after a movie, or whatever seems most comfortable. the more comfortable and relaxed you are with coming out, the more comfortable and relaxed your friends will be. it's a big part of who you are, but just a part of who you are, and you should treat it as such.
for me, specifically, i mentioned it in the context of dating. i'd tell people that i was in a relationship (this was a few years ago, my first "real" relationship since it was the first time i'd dated a man) and also that it was with another guy. i remember reavealing the information in a matter-of-fact manner, but with a little bit of emotional emphasis. i didn't want to do a big deep breath, nervous hands, shuffling feet, staring off into the distance, and then pronouncing, "I'M GAY" after a long dramatic pause.
that's my experience and advice. but it is different for everyone. i would choose a gay-friendly friend to start with (though, by the end, i would imagine that all your friends will be gay-friendly) and then move on to others. chances are, they'll talk. and everyone will know faster than you think. and what please me most was that the gossip wasn't, "OMG, did you hear Irvine is gay!?!?!" but it was more like, "hey, guess what, Irvine just came out. good for him."
but i had an easy experience. it is different for everyone. but the younger you are, the easier it will be.
as for parents ... that's a different story. some people never tell their parents, directly, but they know. some people tell their parents before their friends. you really have to take a good hard look at your relationship with them, and take into account their expressed attitudes towards homosexuality, and then make a decision. it might be hard at first, but it gets easier. it does. think of how long it took you to get used to the idea of being gay -- you have to afford them the same amount of time to get used to it. for many parents, there's initial shock, but then once they realize that their child is no different than they were the 30 seconds before he/she came out, it begins to be less of a big deal. try and understand that they grew up in a far more homophobic environment than today, and they have probably been inculcated with horrible stereotypes of gays and lesbians for most of their lives. homophobia hurts EVERYBODY, not least of which the families and friends of gay people.
it might be good to approach a sibiling first. get their reaction, then ask how they think the parents might react. perhaps it's already been discussed.
i don't know your age, but if you are still living at home, make sure there is some place you can go for the night if the reaction is unusually bad. your parents will always love you, but shock can do
here's some info from a goood website:
[q]THEY'LL EXPERIENCE LOSS
Parents and Children Switch Roles
When you come out to your parents, you may find your parent-child roles reversed for a while. They will need to learn from your experience. As your parents deal with your disclosure, you must assume the "parenting" role by allowing them time to express their feelings and make progress toward new insights.
This will not be easy. You'll want them to understand and grasp this important part of your life right away.
It will be easy for you to become impatient. You'll need to repeat many of the same things. Just because you've explained something once does not mean they heard it. Their understanding will evolve slowly -- painfully slowly -- at the beginning. Their emotional reactions will get in the way of their intellectual understandings.
Allow them time and space. Consider your own journey; you've been working on this issue for years! Although the issues your parents will work through are similar to those you've dealt with, the difference is that you're ahead of them in the process. Be patient.
Separation And Loss
Many families take the news as a temporary loss -- almost as a death -- of the son or daughter they have known and loved. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes the stages related to the death of a loved one as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Just as in grief, the first reaction of parents of gays and lesbians centers around separation and loss.
I remember one morning when my son was fixing breakfast at the stove, as I sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. I looked at him and wanted to say, "I don't know who you are, but I wish you'd leave and send my son Ted back."
Parents experience loss when their child comes out, but it probably will be only temporary.
Not An Absolute Progression
Although the stages described here apply to most people, they are not an absolute progression for everyone. Sometimes a stage occurs out of order; occasionally one is skipped. Some progress through the stages in three months, others take years.
A few -- often due to self-pity -- make no progress at all. In any case, the initial feeling is usually one of loss.
Most parents think they know and understand their children from the day of their birth. Even though they cling to old stories -- and sometimes evidence confusion in telling some of them -- most remain confident that they know what's going on inside a child.
They lose the perception they once had of their child and don't yet know if they will like the real person who is replacing that idea. Those who experience the biggest shock when their child comes out probably are those who suffer the greatest feeling of loss and rejection.
It's not that they separate from the child as much as it is that they feel their child has willfully separated from them.
A Traumatic Discovery
They sense the separation -- which you've probably been aware of for years -- for the first time. It's a traumatic discovery. With understanding and patience from all parties, that relationship can be restored. In fact, in most cases it improves because it's based on mutual honesty.
http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html
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in fact, i encourage everyone to read that website, gay or straight, parent or not, because it's offers many good, humanizing insights into the coming out process.
goood luck to you.
please PM me if you need to.