an assortment of thoughts + "a new hope..."

[lady luck]

Yes, you know I love reading what and how you write!
And, before replying, I'd like to thank you: I think one of the reason why my English is still fresh

and I can use it is the fact we're having this long conversation on this forum. You know, I love

writing in English and this exchange between us is helping me a lot.
Of course, it's not just a way to keep my English trained. I like speaking with you and knowing

your points of view on a lot of subjects.

I am happy to know you realise how much you need the contact with other people and to be "social". I think that in certain periods one has the need to stay on his/her own, just to discover how much you love and need to share your time with other human beings. And the fact of being "selective"... yeah, it's like having the impression (or maybe it's really like that and not just an impression!) that you have a lot of things to do and so you want to spend quality time with the people that can give you a lot.

When I ended high school, after my week in Paris on vacation, I immediately started working. It was a period of my life quite odd: you know, the change between being a student and a worker is a sort of big jump. And the fact that I really didn't like my first job and the people with whom I worked wasn't of any help. I felt often blue and ... well, desolate. Also because I am not naturally a girl who can socialise so easily and also back at school I didn't use to have a lot of friends. And, after the end of school, I lost contact with almost all of them. I really felt alone. I am used to stay on my own, I also love it because I tend to live a lot in my mind. But then it comes the day I told to my self: Alright, that's enough. you're just 19, you can't go around with this feeling that hurts you. There's something you have to do.
So I gave my 20 days notice and left my job. The day after I finished work, I started to go through a lot of interviews and after a week I got another job -- that is where I am now. It's not such a great job and it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I am considering this as a starting point towards new things.

After having learnt the job and having learnt how to make things in one hour insted that 3 or 4, I realise that there was still something missing. I need to spend time with people. School mate were gone, and the scarce times I met them I realise we hadn't a lot to say because they just talked about University and Gym and Pubs and all the things. I thought, what about the rest of the world? there are wars going on, people suffering from a lot of different things, violations of all sort. Is it possible no one cares for it? Maybe this thoughts are partially due to the fact I love U2 so much. I think I've already told you that they are responsible of awakening my "social conscience".

So I decided I have to find a way of being helpful and meeting new friends. The way to do that got to me in a very simple way. I just remembered that once I passe by an office with the reading "amnesty international" on the door. Of course, I knew a little about it, thanks both to U2 and to the newspaper. So one day, after work, I went there. There was a girl there that sent me to a group. And it all started with it. I started volunteering with and for that: I went to the events organized, I helped translating documents and letters, I got involved. And I met a lot of extraordinary people -- girls and boys, who were able to give me friendship, a common cause to work for and show me how to work in team. It's great. i got to know people of my group and also of other groups. And I am very happy of that! Not only I knew a lot of people I can talk to of a lot of different subjects -- books, music, human rights, what's going on around us -- but also incredible people that share with me experiences, joys and pains. For instance, there is a girl in my group who writes poems and, for a lucky coincidence, she was able to realise them. It was grand! And I was the first to know and I was so happy when I knew I could help her to organise little meetings to show the book in some book shops. She said I was a sort of "manager" and "PR"... it was funny!

You know, this is the fact: all of us need some time to stay alone, to discover the needings and the things we love. But then we need to go out in the world. I suppose it is like that also because at a certain point you feel you want to share what you had discovered.

 

[For Honor]

Yes, you know I love reading what and how you write!
And, before replying, I'd like to thank you: I think one of the reason why my English is still fresh

and I can use it is the fact we're having this long conversation on this forum. You know, I love

writing in English and this exchange between us is helping me a lot.
Of course, it's not just a way to keep my English trained. I like speaking with you and knowing

your points of view on a lot of subjects.

You are most sincerely welcome.

I enjoy this a lot, too. It helps me, too, to write things out, and talk to someone.


And it's fitting that I wrote the last post when I did..........
It helps bring closure to the subject.

August 24th is a date I may never forget
But that's okay



I can remember it in a good way, or a bad way.
I just have to remember it in the good way......



==============

And the fact of being "selective"... yeah, it's like having the impression (or maybe it's really like that and not just an impression!) that you have a lot of things to do and so you want to spend quality time with the people that can give you a lot.

^ yes.... quality time with quality people - that's what I want. This sounds harsh, or perhaps cold, but I guess it's true about me - I do not like to waste time. And people fit into that catagory; relationships. I understand having social relationships and being fun. But when it comes to being serious... I play for keeps, and don't fool around- I realize this about myself.


====================


Your last post is a great story. It is good that you could go out and meet people like that. I think that is really important, and good for a person to do.

====================

You know, this is the fact: all of us need some time to stay alone, to discover the needings and the things we love. But then we need to go out in the world. I suppose it is like that also because at a certain point you feel you want to share what you had discovered.

Yes, I agree very much.

For me, I don't know... I was always different. Almost..... it was almost like I developed my "alone me" so fast, so early.... that was all I knew. And now, recently, the birth of the "social me" has taken place.

Unfortunately, the growth of both did not happen at the same time, so I was "lop-sided", unbalanced. But then again.... my values and principles are very well defined (to me), so I have some advantage, along with my weaknesses. Most people my age are worried about finding themselves and being popular, etc. Which isn't wrong - that's "acting your age", or being young, I guess. But not me...

Now, more than ever, I know who I am, and what I want, and where I'm going. I just wish I knew what I wanted to do in college, at my university...


I really have no idea at the moment

Something practical would be something in science.
But I'm also interested in cultures, people.

Bottom line - I want to be able to do someting where I can make a living. I guess that is first and foremost. ALthough it's been said as a joke............ I will have to take care of a lot of people.

My mother, father, and stepmother.......
I am their only son
Only child



I guess that sounds like "the easy life" but..... I don't think I am realistically better off. But that's not the point, not yet.

The point is..........


Even if I'm on the other side of the world, as far away as I can or want to be, I won't forget about them. "Family"......

.............


........... Family...........




..............


I don't know... it has always intrigued me - family.
People, relationships, family.
I don't know why
Maybe because I've always felt apart from those things.

...




I wonder if my ..........
I mean

I wonder if I hold "family" to such a respect, to such a high ideal, with such honor............ if I think about it that way because I feel left out?

Or do I have a genuine interest in it?


I wonder if I'm no more than
a product of my environment....?


---------------

^ don't worry about that.... that's....... just me rambling, thinking out loud. Foolish thoughts, really.



............ well, I guess that's all for now.


until next time

 

[lady luck]

Vladimir and me talked a lot about family when I was in Miami.
he has a very stong relationship with it, and it seems to me that you have exactly the same thing with yours.

As regards me... well, I really don't know.
The problem is that I tend to be too independent at times. And this happen because I often feel my family isn't there. I mean, maybe if I ask, they will come. But sometimes I don't dare to ask because I don't want to be disappointed.
I think that in my life inside my family the worst of me has came out -- this is something I regret, but it was completely unavoidable.
There are things I blame my family for -- I know that can sound awful from me. I am sure they did the best job they could, but that doesn't mean they were always right. They're common people, they make faults exactly like I do.
I think that sometimes I am too self-centred and I forget all the thinhs they did for me. I mean, they gave me the opportunity to grow in a safe place, I always had a roof on my head and meals and I could go to school and all that stuff.
But I am still sure my parents weren't meant to be together and they are not a lovely couple. My house was never a "place of love": there was affection, kindness at times, but also a lot of rows and sad moments.

And no one has never said "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong" or "Forgive me".
We just tend to slide over things and we pretended nothig happened. Maybe this is one of the things that hurted me the most in my living with my family.
Also because acting like that means that you don't solve problems.
After a quarrel, we never made peace. We just went on, often directly to the next quarrel.

I think people need to elaborate things, to find out what was wrong and to try and rearrange things. And I am to blame, me too, for that.

 

[For Honor]

Vladimir and me talked a lot about family when I was in Miami.
he has a very stong relationship with it, and it seems to me that you have exactly the same thing with yours.

I am afraid I do not have time to read your full post, but when I get back I will.


However........

about my family... I have a lot of respect for them. That's who I am, family is something I care a lot about. It's part of my principles, part of my personal philosophy.....

But..........


I never felt a part of my family.
I used to spend a lot of time alone when I was younger...

I was always.......



eh


I have to go.
More when I get back, most likely

 

[For Honor]

We just tend to slide over things and we pretended nothig happened. Maybe this is one of the things that hurted me the most in my living with my family.
Also because acting like that means that you don't solve problems.
After a quarrel, we never made peace. We just went on, often directly to the next quarrel.

I think people need to elaborate things, to find out what was wrong and to try and rearrange things. And I am to blame, me too, for that.

I know just what you mean.

And I can't stand that, really.
A good example of that here in America is marriage. The same thing happens - quarrels, fights, etc. But people just get emotional and don't solve the problem. And then people learn to act that way all the time. And then it's "too hard", so they just get that divorce paper and that's that.

I don't know, must be the movies, or TV... but we are very deluded, distorted, by the common view on what it takes to be in love, in a relationship even. It's all about the happy highs - - sex, marriage, having a baby.

A sort of instant gratification that distrubs me.........

ah, but I don't need to get critical. I do that too much lately.


===================
===================


interupted!

 

[lady luck]

I have the impression that, in the future, people of our generation will look at wedding in a more cautious way.
I mean, we have been too shocked by breaking ups and divorces and all that painful things.
Maybe our generation will step back and, in some way, find a way to make the things work. At least, I hope so!

I read you talked about Achtung Baby. I am happy you have it now. It is exactly what I am listyening to in these days.
I think it's a dark, full of pain record -- but it also has got something that can give you relief, don't you think so?

 

[For Honor]

I think I can undersand what you mean.

But people have mentioned before that sense of realief.... but I don't feel it. I like some of the songs. But they don't "make me feel relieved". Not that this is talking about Actung Baby, but.......

The only thing that can "make me" feel relieved is the truth.

Sounds strange? Well, for me, that's how it is. I dislike lies of any sort, and cannot place value in something that I suspect as being false. People are the same way.

This is off topic, but I'm sorry.
I just feel really weird at the moment.



Have you ever been in love?
And then
Have you ever been in love with someone you don't trust?


I just........ well, something little happened. Something small. But....... it shook me pretty strong tonight. I guess I'm still in a state of shock. I can't bear to talk about it, so I just have to speak of it in reference, and not directly.


But that's all I really wanted to say, about that subject.........

I feel ill......

maybe I should eat something


*gets some food, drink................*


===========
==========
===========

 

[For Honor]

*whew*


I feel so much better now.........

Just taking a moment to refresh my mind and stuff.....
It's amazing how much things change.....

But at the same time, I'm proud of myself - I thought the rest of my night was going to suck, be crazy, I'd be going insande and feel like crap.

But somehow I manage to pull myself out of it!!!!

=============


Actung Baby...

Yeah, great album.



I love the chorus to "who's gonna ride your wild horses"
Very romantic, in one light, and I could see myself singing that. Still, a bit of a tainted song, as they all are on AB.

Zoo Station is just cool.


One is untouchable, and really, I don't have anything to say about it. Legendary Song.


Until the end of the world is growing on me

So Cruel is also growing on me

The Fly is really interesting, and I understand 90s U2 now, becaues I know what it's about

Mysterious Ways is also a great song.
She moves in mysterious ways...........


Tryin to throw your arms aroudn the world
Really interesting song. I REALLY enjoy singing the chorus.

"I'm gonna run to you, run to you, run to you, woman be still.....
I'm gonna run to you, run to you, run to you, woman, I will...."

I think I might steal the chorus and write my own song someday, but without it being tainted by hints of infidelity, etc. Hahaha.



I really like the guitar on Ulraviolet

And Acrobat is astonishing. Immense and lovely. I can relate to that song a lot.


Love is blindess - what an awesome ending to an album
War, Joshua Tree, and AB all end with such fitting conclusions, in my opinion



What songs do you like, lady luck???

 

[lady luck]

you mean songs of AB?
I love Mysterious ways -- so great!! it's great to dance on it.

And I have a personal thing with both So cruel and Ultraviolet. I think "when I was all messed up and I heard opera in my head / your love was a light bulb hangin over my bed" is one of the greatest thing ever said about love.

And "One"... well, it's so bitter and so tender at the same time. the melody, the voice, all is great in that song! It moves me to cry all the times!

As regards love... that's a hard one.
I don't think I ever been in love, unfortunately.

But I think I am going through a rough time.
I'll talk to you later, cause I have to pass a phone call tight now

 

[lady luck]

Ok, here I am back to what we were talking about.
(I had to call my boss in Amnesty to rearrenge the next encounter with newbies!)

I can't imgine what is the meaning of loving someone you don't trust! And, even if I don't think I've ever been in love really, I wonder how's possible to go on with someone you can't rely on or trust. it really sounds awful...

As regards me, I am in another strange situation. I told you I met a very special guy when I was in Miami. I wrote him an email last monday, but he haven't answered. I am suffering for that: I mean, we had a great time together, he's really a gentleman and his behavious was excellent.
But now I don't know what to think

Alright, he's far from me, but he told me he planned to move to Europe in fall.
Moreover, now I am worried because I saw on TV the damages due to the hurricane Cathrine...
I just hope he's safe.

I don't doubt he got my e-mail, that's why I am not going to write him again. He has my address so he knows where he has to write if he wants to hear from me.

This situation makes me mad! I hate suspended situation -- I mean, I would like more if he coukd write and just tell me that he realises he doesn't care for me as much as he thought.

when we were together, he told me that, after I left, he was going to spend a week and let things happen so that he could understand what he feels. A week will "expire" tomorrow...

why can't people be clear??

I really miss him, and talking with him and knowing what he has done in his past, what he dreams and all that...

I feel quite sick...

 

[For Honor]

why can't people be clear??

I really miss him, and talking with him and knowing what he has done in his past, what he dreams and all that...

I feel quite sick...

I know just what you mean.




About "my situation", well... I overeacted, essentially.
I keep forgetting that I can't have what I really want, no matter what. It's too early in my life. And realistically, I can't have any relationship with someone at this point. Too much is going on.

BUt it's hard, when you know someone cares about you, and you know far too well that you care about them. Yet you cannot really do anything about it.

I was feeling ill, but I realize I've overreacted, and I was tired, and exhausted, and it just was such a shock to my system.... there is no reason for me to doubt, though. Ah, I'm all over the place. For myself, the bottom line is, nothing has really changed. And what I want still seems so far away. I hate that ...

kind of like a "suspended situation" of my own........


=================
=================


As for you, lady luck, I can relate to your situation, but I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier. I agree with you - people should be clear on where they stand with you.

Some people are private people, I realize, and don't open up much. I always thought I was that way. But then I realized I have a ... an affinity, a love of honesty and sincerity. And it just makes it so much easier - I have nothing to hide, I could talk about any part of myself to any person, even my family (Though I don't really speak like that to my family, but if put on the spot, I'd have no trouble being honest. But some people aren't that way, really.

Some are players, yes, and manipulators.
But there are some people who just don't enjoy saying what's on their mind, and they can be tricky. Sometimes they really do expect you to know what they think, or other times, they just expect you not to ask.

People are all very different......


I guess I can only wish you luck, lady luck, in your sitaution with that man. Sometimes things can trancend distance. I don't know what does, but some things can.


It is so difficult...........




To find the balance between hoping
And realistically living your life in the reality around you.
But I suppose you've got to keep some imagination, regardless.



I find it best when I can take the dream and make it secular. What I mean is... you may feel a certain way with a certain person. But the dream you share with them is just as much theirs as it is your own. So you can always have your dream, even if it isn't with the one person you think you want to share it with doesn't work out.

Does that make any sense?
lol, I hope it does.



"But you can dream
So dream out loud......"



It is confusing for me right now, because I am dreaming out loud, and I have incredibly deep feelings for another person. And apparently those feelings are shared. But.... even before anything else.... I...... guess there is nothing we can do at this moment. It's very complicated, so I can't get into it. Besides, I shouldn't.


But do tell what becomes of your Miami Mystery Man.

ANd yes - mysterious ways....
I think a lot of women like to dance to that song.
Hmm, I wonder why?

 

[lady luck]

Well, For Honor, I wish I had some news about my "Miami mystery man", but I haven't got any...
btw, his name is Vladimir...

I don't know what to do. I am thinking about dropping him another email, just to know if he is safe. I mean, the images I saw on TV, with the damages of the hurricane, were scaring and I just would like to know if he is ok, even if he had decided he doesn't want to go on talking to me.
Do you think this is a good idea?

I hope I don't sound a little too pathetic in asking you such a thing, but I am starting to consider you as someone who can give me clear perpectives on things.

And then, I am really frightened for him.


You know, I am acting almost as a fool... I keep on checking my email a lot of times during the day, thinking what time is now in Miami and wondering if Vladimir could be asleep or awake, also because he works in a place till 2 or 3 am...

The worst thing is that I am finding justifications in my mind for the fact he is not answering me -- for instance: he may have lost the note where I wrote my address (it was very small, actually) or he may have not recieved my e-mail or there could be a lack of energy power in the area where he is due to the hurricane...
But inside of me, I know that he GOT my email and maybe he really doesn't want to get back to me.
It's quite frustrating, because he's in my mind all of the time.
I didn't expect to miss him so much...

I have been very sincere with this guy. I mean, I think I've been really correct and I respected him very much. I told him things I haven't told anyone in all my life, because I just felt that I had nothing to hide and I didn't need to lie to him.
Maybe this is the reason why now I am feeling so ... well ... strange: I can't say I am blue or depressed or things like that, but my mind keeps on going back to the time I spent with Vladimir and how great it was.

You write something I completely disagree with in your last post, that is:
"I keep forgetting that I can't have what I really want, no matter what. It's too early in my life."

I mean, yes, you are very young and there are a lot of things you have to do and taste and try.
But I feel like "it's too early" is a way to hide oneself.
I mean, I am 21, and maybe I am too young for some things.. But then, what does this mean?
I work, I study, I have responsibilities in both these sectors.
Maybe I am too young for that (especially for some responsibilities I have in my job), but the fact is that I'm already in it. It's not something I decided: it's just like that and all I can do is working as hard as I can and try and do the best -- or at least MY best.

As regards responsabilities, I wish in less than six months I will go and live on my own. This is my next goal, but I have to wait for a couple of reasons. The most important one is that my family has bought a house that I and my sister will formally own, but that will be probably rent to someone else. We will close the affair in December/January, I think, so I must be around till that day, even because I have to know what will be decided also for the furnitures and all the stuff regarding the house.
My parents don't want to move there, but who knows?
During my staying in Miami I learned that in a very short time a lot of things can happen, things that could turn your life upside down.
So I know everything might happen!

Let me know if there is something I can do (or you want me to do) about your "suspended situation"

 

[For Honor]

Your post is one that I can relate to. I can relate to it very well.


First, Vladimir...
I'm not really an expert on such things, so anyone else reading this thread can post advice. But I will give you my best thoughts. Ah yes - it is something when you start checking your email often, and make up reasons for him not to be responding. However, you do have a legitimate, a reasonable cause for worry - the Hurricane. Being realistic, it was one of the stronger ones we've seen here in the USA. Apparently it hit New Orleans pretty bad.

However, at this point, you've only sent him one email?

That being the case, I would say, write another email to him, if you think it would help you to feel better about everything. I say do what you need to do to calm down and relax. If checking your email often helps you to relax, then do it. But don't get too attached, that's not healthy. I would also recommend trying not to think about him so much, if possible, at least until you get some sort of a response. I know that might be hard to do, but, there is no sense investing your time and energy into something that isn't real, that doesn't exist.

You write something I completely disagree with in your last post, that is:
"I keep forgetting that I can't have what I really want, no matter what. It's too early in my life."

I mean, yes, you are very young and there are a lot of things you have to do and taste and try.
But I feel like "it's too early" is a way to hide oneself.

This is sort of... out of the blue....
But coming back today, I wonder about how things work out. Hah... maybe it is better things are this way, maybe I'm not ready for what I want yet....

(^don't mind that, that is just me thinking to myself, out loud)


Originally that comment is a testament to my "being way too serious" about many things. But I agree to some extent with you. As accountible as I try to make myself, I do make excuses for some things. And... I forgot something

I despise complaining. I don't mind listening to other people's troubles, but, I should not whine so much. I can't stand that side of me.


============

Many times, I end up realizing I should tell myself this -
"I'm too young to get involved with love"

And I think that's true.
My parents say have fun at college, but don't get romantically attached to someone. They have a good point, because, for now, I should just focus on school and stuff. Besides... I am all too serious when it comes to love - I don't play games. So I shouldn't get involved with that, not yet. In addition to those reasons, I think the way I am when I am "in love" is another factoer.... I should be very careful, conservative, when it comes to letting that come out. As I have said, I am rather serious, especially when it comes to such things...

So perhaps I should remember that today.
Remember that I can wait. I don't have to, but I can.


And, specifically, in regards to my situation...
I have to detach a little, desensitize myself.
For my own sake...


I had thought I had come along way, because she was on vacation for a while, and before that, we spoke in an odd way. So I was like, "well, I should get used to her not being around..."I was uncertain, when she came back, if she would still want to talk to me very much.

But then... when she returns and tells me she's been ... well... thinking about me to such a degree... it was such a... shock, a jolt. And now, on top of everything else, it is just difficult for me sometimes. I never knew I could be attached to someone in such a way. I almost don't like it.

It weakens me at times. Makes me do foolish things, sometimes, too. And, the other day when we spoke last, it was so strange - it was like a physical thing. Maybe my nervous system. But my head was clear.... yet my body was going crazy. I felt sick, ill, tired, and a sort of happiness, too. And a sort of... uncomfortableness, as well. But the bottom line is, since she came back, I haven't been the same, and I am thinking about her a lot. It was like flipping a lightswitch inside of me.

What sort of scares me is that I've allowed someone to have that much... "power" over me. It wasn't intentional, and it wasn't in a bad way or anything, but I was definitely vulnerable, weak. And that's what I was uncomfortable about. It's not good, either, because your decision making is impaired, and you can get emotional more easily.

Essentially, this is why I say I have to be careful about who I love, and what kind of relationships I get into, especially in college. Are we, me and her, in love? I can't answer that.
I can control my mind to an extent, and choose, to an extent how I think about her.

but I don't know........

Just her "appearing" floored me... It was such a strong.... effect on me.
I guess there is still a lot there....

=========
========
=========

ANyhow.........

I feel so inadequate - I've got nothing to do for 4 months. I suppose I should just refine things, make sure I've got my essentials, and work. But college! I want to be there so much... everyone of my friends loves it. But I'm here. Oh well. January will be here in no time. I'll just have many-a-long days, and probably, long posts here on intereference.

Hah, since I have access to a weightbench now, I guess I could work out more. And ride my bike! Hmm, that's not so bad... what else can I do to keep myself busy.

Any suggestions??


=============

Ah, I forgot what I was going to say next.
However, I will say, lady luck, that I do enjoy our conversations a great deal. I always look forward to finding out what happened next. And it is very interesting to look back and see what we have written, though I don't do that often. But I imagine looking back on these messages someday, and all the memories that will come along with it...


Actually, this thread, our conversation, has been one of the more consitent things in these past months! Hahaha, but that is a good thing.

 

[lady luck]

I admit I haven't read your last post, but I will!!
I must tell ya: Vladimir just dropped me the best email he could send me!

And now I'm in heaven!

 

[lady luck]

ok, I read your last post and now I can reply

it's funny how you say you have to "be careful" about who you love

Really? You really think you can?

Look at the reaction your body had: I'm sure it's something you can't really control... like "you can push/but you cannot control it", you know...

emotions, feelings... you can find a way to hide them, or control them, but I think they'll come out sooner or later. Even if they are for the wrong person.

your mind, maybe your consciense, tells ya often what to do and what is the right thing to do.

But does your heart do the same?

Mine doesn't.

And then, always keep in mind the unexpecte!
I mean, look at what happened to me while I was on vacation: I left Italy I thought I was in love with a guy who was going to look at me just as a friend.
Then I met the grace and kindness of Vladimir.
And now I am sure I wasn't in love with that other guy. It was just that I like him and I wanted him for me while he was someone else's. Sort of greed, I suppose.

And the way I feel now is... wow, really... unexpected, great, fills my heart with a happiness I never had before

I think I'm falling in love for the first time...

 

[lady luck]

.. and it's so great!!!

I love this long conversation we are having, me too!
and I am surprised we were able to renew and keep it alive

It's great to write to you!

 

[For Honor]

I admit I haven't read your last post, but I will!!
I must tell ya: Vladimir just dropped me the best email he could send me!

And now I'm in heaven!

That is great news!



Is he still coming to Europe?

 

[lady luck]

he is.

wow!!!!!

his email was short but it was so tender and full of meaning for me!

 

[For Honor]

 

[lady luck]

dear For Honor
this period of time it's getting more and more incredible for me.

I can concentrate of things but not for a long time and I am so happy I keep on smiling

Can't wait to see Vladimir again! I feel his hand in mine and I am thrilled by the sense of anticipation for our next meeting. I don't know how I will react when I will see him again.

And I don't know how things are going to go.

The only thing I know is that I must spend some time with this special guy... trying to understand what I want and how we can handle this situation.

I don't know when or where I'll see him again -- but the pure fact I am going to see him makes me happy.
Maybe this will sound foolish, but it's great!
I phisically need to stay in the same place where he is.

Ok, the space dedicated to my romance is over now.

There's a question I'd like to ask you: have you ever felt rejected from the place where you live or where you spend more time during your day?

 

[lady luck]

oh, and I still haven't asked you about your new signature...

so, please, will you tell me something about it?

 

[For Honor]

Well, I am glad you are so happy about how things are going


But, just because I've seen it before, I just want to caution you - don't let your guard down too much. It is good to be happy and excited, but don't set yourself up for something bad. I know that sounds rather "unhappy", but I figured I'd say it anyways. However, I trust you have good taste in people, so I'm sure he will treat you well, and not just be putting on an act for you. (I laugh at myself, because I sound like and elder, a parent!)

Oh yeah, go and have fun, too

There's a question I'd like to ask you: have you ever felt rejected from the place where you live or where you spend more time during your day?

...

yes.

I've never really felt at home. I've lived with people who love me, but I consider home a place where I feel very comfortable about many things, and I can be content "at home". But in my past, it has always been ... strange. ANd I never felt connected anywhere.

Oddly enough, probably where I am now I feel most at home, living with my stepmother. My father used to live here. And I have one solitary friend that is close by, which is unlike the majority of my other living quarters. And I can ride my bike and go places, etc.


But.....

I've ... never felt like I could really relax completely.
I've always felt like there was somewhere else I should be, or doing something else, something more. I know at least that at college I'll have a sense of purpose, duty, that will help me feel "at home"... but that is something different, sort of.

 

[For Honor]

oh, and I still haven't asked you about your new signature...

so, please, will you tell me something about it?

Yes, yes, I will explain it to you. In a few moments, though... I need to do something first

 

[lady luck]

Well, I am glad you are so happy about how things are going


But, just because I've seen it before, I just want to caution you - don't let your guard down too much. It is good to be happy and excited, but don't set yourself up for something bad. I know that sounds rather "unhappy", but I figured I'd say it anyways. However, I trust you have good taste in people, so I'm sure he will treat you well, and not just be putting on an act for you. (I laugh at myself, because I sound like and elder, a parent!)

Thank you, daddy!

You know, I am aware of the fact I don't know Vladimir, even if for the little time we spent together everything about him was absolutely perfect.

He is the first one to say "do not trust anyone"

Of course I am not going to make too foolish things, but the only thing I want is to spend some more time with him.

I tend to live in my head too much: it's not easy for me to feel relaxed and confortable in all situation. But when I was around with him, I just felt so secure, protected and fine!!

 

[For Honor]

hey, you have my best wishes, for sure



======

Ah, I've had a song in my head all day long! It is a good one, though. It is Bono and Frank Sinatra singing together "I've got you under my skin". It is rather addiciting. You just have to sing along, or tap you foot or something.

Hmm, it kind sounds like your situation a little bit. I'd be happy to send it to you, if you'd like. I think every U2 fan should have it - it's that good. Really, any fan of music...


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

My signature....

actually, I just edited it.
I was reading an FYM article, and I decided to add something to it........



But essntially, the lyrics to "PRIDE (In The Name Of Love)" are all over it (it's my favorite song). I wanted that there.

The image of the sword, well, because I like them, and to me they represent honor in a way.

There are 3 "quotes"......
The first one is from the " Tao Te Ching", by Lao Tzu



Thirty-One

Good weapons are instruments of fear; all creatures hate them.
Therefore followers of Tao never use them.
The wise man prefers the left.
The man of war prefers the right.

Weapons are instruments of fear; they are not a wise man's tools.
He uses them only when he has no choice.
Peace and quiet are dear to his heart,
And victory no cause for rejoicing.
If you rejoice in victory, then you delight in killing;
If you delight in killing, you cannot fulfill yourself.

On happy occasions precedence is given to the left,
On sad occasions to the right.
In the army the general stands on the left,
The commander in chief on the right.
That means that war is conducted like a funeral.
When many people are being killed,
They should be mourned in heartfelt sorrow.
That is why a victory must be observed like a funeral.


The second one is a quote from the movie "HERO", a story about China. Jet Li, Zhang Ziyi, and a lot of other great actors and actresses are in it. I highly reccomend it. It has martial arts, intrigue, and a profound conclusion. The conclusion is


"The ultimate ideal (or act) of a warrior is to lay down his sword"


The third comes from Christianity.....

"Bless those who persecute you;
bless, and don't curse.
Rejoice with those who rejoice.
Weep with those who weep.
Be of the same mind one toward another.
Don't set your mind on high things,
but associate with the humble.
Don't be wise in your own conceits.
Repay no one evil for evil.
Respect what is honorable in the sight of all men.
If it is possible, as much as it is up to you,
be at peace with all men.
Don't seek revenge yourselves, beloved,
but give place to God's wrath.
For it is written,
"Vengeance belongs to me;
I will repay, says the Lord."
Therefore
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him.
If he is thirsty, give him a drink.
For in doing so, you will heap
coals of fire on his head."
Don't be overcome by evil,
but overcome evil with good."
Romans 12:14-21

(I am not greatly religious, but I find that to be something I agree with very much)

And, my addendum - I added something to it......

Instead of just "Respect what is honorable in the sight of all men." I added "and women". I know it's not a lot, really. But it does apply to all people, and since I said "his" and "all men", I figured I should try to be more... diverse.


Oh well.


I guess it's good enough, for now. Though the colors are a little off.... but that's okay



PS: I promise I won't talk like a father figure from anymore, lol. you are older than I am

 

[lady luck]

I know the song, thanks!
And I love it!!!
You are right: it's quite addicting!!!
I got stuck on it during my final test period at school -- dunno why!

thanks for the explanation -- really interesting!

I wish I had all the will you have to create things like that!

 

[For Honor]

Oh, thankyou.
I don't know if it's will power, but I'm glad you enjoyed it anyhow.



Yeah, that's right..... I'm about to put on "I've got you under my skin" right now

 

[lady luck]

how did you find the song?
Did someone talked to you of it?

 

[For Honor]

Yeah, actually......

In another forum, someone was talking about Night and Day, or I brought it up. And that was written by Cole Porter (Night and Day - a tribute to Cole Porter). Porter also wrote Under My Skin, I think.

Or at least they are related somehow.

And it was brought up that she never heard that song, so we got it from "Music on the Internet". It's nice that U2 fans share their music so well. Someone had it, and so that's how we got it.

=================


I think I'm developing a routine in the morning.......

It is a little strange, but oh well.

I'm living with my stepmother now, and everymorning, we wake up and go for a walk. Sometimes my neighbor comes with us on the walk, too. But she gets back, and then leaves for work. I make breakfast, and then eat it, and then she leaves. And then I turn on the Sinatra song, and grab the vacuum cleaner, and then just do a little bit.....

I don't know why..

I guess I'm sort of addicted to the feeling of clean hardwood floors on my feet. It feels so good, lol! That, and singing along with Bono and Frank Sinatra, it's just a great way to start the day.

 

[lady luck]

Yes, both N&D and I'be got you... were written by Cole Porter!

My God, it's crazy what's going on in New Orleans!
People gunning down the people who are there to help them, thieves everywere, people authorized to SHOT!

How's possible?
What's happening?
Where did comprhension, simpathy, common sense, respect end up????