How to handle spouse that DETESTS U2!!!

[adrball]

Mellow...

If your U2 travels developed after you got married then you probably ought to do the right thing and compromise. But if she married into it then I would just tell her what you're doing next year. Either she loves you and will let you live your dream, or leave you. Either way you'll find out if she's truly the one for you.

These words are brought to you by a guy who joined the same slippery slope after the Cardiff gig and is a little further down the path than you are.

 

[mellow moog]

Do you have shows left on this leg?

Maybe a week or so is to soon to bring it up again. These upcoming shows aren't for another 10 months or so, why bring it up now when the wounds are still raw from this leg?

You might be right. But the thing is, when the U2 shows eventually get announced, I know even those will be just as huge an issue.
I was going to Tampa but even though now I wont be able to make it to my uncle's wedding on October 9th in Belgium, I still cannot go as I told my wife I would not go to make her happier about the other shows I went to.

 

[mellow moog]

Mellow...

If your U2 travels developed after you got married then you probably ought to do the right thing and compromise. But if she married into it then I would just tell her what you're doing next year. Either she loves you and will let you live your dream, or leave you. Either way you'll find out if she's truly the one for you.

These words are brought to you by a guy who joined the same slippery slope after the Cardiff gig and is a little further down the path than you are.

Is that you Adrian?? I'm the guy who sold you the Saturday Croke park ticket. I heard from someone else that you were having issues. I'm really really sorry to hear that and my thoughts are definitely with you in this awful time right now.

By the way. You haven't had any more middle of the night calls from me right? (he was first on my contact list and phone kept ringing him by acciednt!)

 

[A stor]

I have a huge dilemma right now.

My wife has a massive problem with the money I've spent following U2 and she just found out about the 2010 tour. I was dreading when she found out and now she has, I already feel the ice age coming on!!

I'm looking for some guidance here from anyone whose been in a similar situation. I really think this could lead to the breakup of my marriage and I'm not even kidding!!! I can easily afford what I've been spending by the way. We both work have no kids so I'm not depriving anyone of anything with what I'm doing.

Should I just give up my chance of seeing U2 next year for the sake of my marriage. Am I being selfish? What would other people do in this situation.

I've been married for 26 years and if my husband wanted to see a band. That I didn't care for. I would still go with him. First, it's a night out and second, I love my husband. I don't expect him. To like everything that I do. We have different taste in music, which gives us a great cd collection.

Anyway, best of luck with your situation.

 

[ramblin rose]

You might be right. But the thing is, when the U2 shows eventually get announced, I know even those will be just as huge an issue.
I was going to Tampa but even though now I wont be able to make it to my uncle's wedding on October 9th in Belgium, I still cannot go as I told my wife I would not go to make her happier about the other shows I went to.

Oh shit, you mean now you could technically go to Tampa but you're not going to because of this issue? That truly sucks.

 

[gvox]

I was going to Tampa but even though now I wont be able to make it to my uncle's wedding on October 9th in Belgium, I still cannot go as I told my wife I would not go to make her happier about the other shows I went to.

There is so much wrong with that I don't even know where to begin.

 

[indra]

You might be right. But the thing is, when the U2 shows eventually get announced, I know even those will be just as huge an issue.
I was going to Tampa but even though now I wont be able to make it to my uncle's wedding on October 9th in Belgium, I still cannot go as I told my wife I would not go to make her happier about the other shows I went to.

Oooh! I have a plan! While you are at home during the time you could have gone to the Tampa show you must bitch, whine and complain about absolutely everything, and I mean EVERYTHING -- even things you usually like. Be a completely surly bastard. With any luck she'll eventually just say "Oh for christ sakes just go to the fucking U2 concerts!" and you'll be all good.

 

[A stor]

There is so much wrong with that I don't even know where to begin.

I agree......I could understand her problem, if you were going to multiple shows and creating a financial problem.

I don't like my husband's hairstyle. But, he likes it and I love him. So, it doesn't matter.

 

[adrball]

Is that you Adrian?? I'm the guy who sold you the Saturday Croke park ticket. I heard from someone else that you were having issues. I'm really really sorry to hear that and my thoughts are definitely with you in this awful time right now.

By the way. You haven't had any more middle of the night calls from me right? (he was first on my contact list and phone kept ringing him by acciednt!)

Oh yeah...didn't realise. No more calls from you in the middle of the night - only from the madwife.

PM or call me if you want to chat.

LIFE'S TOO SHORT

 

[SBU2]

Oooh! I have a plan! While you are at home during the time you could have gone to the Tampa show you must bitch, whine and complain about absolutely everything, and I mean EVERYTHING -- even things you usually like. Be a completely surly bastard. With any luck she'll eventually just say "Oh for christ sakes just go to the fucking U2 concerts!" and you'll be all good.

Or on the other hand she'll eventually say " oh for christ sakes pack your bags were finished ". Maybe ask her to come with you, or just explain its a hobby you love doing, and you cant stop that!

 

[quadcaster]

if ur mrs understands how important this is to you, you'd think she'd be cool with it?

hope it works out mate

 

[Flaming_C]

Hi Flaming_c. I already mentioned brussels jokingly on the phone as I have an Uncle that lives in Belgium now and...dead air......!!!!
We stopped in Greece on a cruise in 06 and she loved it. My dilemma as I have mentioned is that she never wants to be on a combined trip again (holiday and U2).

I really do appreciate everyone's input and I will in a week or so, try and sit down with her at the right moment.I'm dreading it as we've had similar conversations before but we have to reach some sort of compromise or our marriage is over I think. Whether the compromise is me giving up U2 for the sake of my marriage or some other outcome I guess I will find out.

When you did a "combined" trip, how many U2 shows did you see and how long was your vacation? The two examples you cited didn't seem like much of a vacation - basically 1 or 2 days for U2 and then 5 days traveling.

Maybe raise the issue again a little later, maybe a week from now and propose a trip to her. Have all the details from:

- How many shows (might want to do only 1 show);
- Seats or GA (might want to propose seats, that way you can still explore the city during the day); and
- Details on the vacation - from number of days (suggest at least 10 days following the concert) to places to visit to hotels you will stay at, etc.

Basically, sell the proposal as an opportunity for both of you to spend quality time with one another, enjoy things you both enjoy (U2 and travelling), that you have taken into consideration her views, and that you are committed to exploring new places with her. Seeing U2 is one opportunity to get out and explore. That's how I sold Hawaii to my wife - she always wanted to go to Hawaii and it was also an opportunity to see the last U2 show of the Vertigo tour.

 

[indra]

Or on the other hand she'll eventually say " oh for christ sakes pack your bags were finished ".

That could be. Personally I don't think a person should give up their interests for anyone, so I don't necessarily think that would ba a horrible outcome. (btw -- she's essentially pulling my plan on him)

 

[westendgirl]

I think most stuff has been covered but here are my thoughts...

I'm no shrink, but I'm guessing this really isn't about her hatred of U2.

ding ding ding ding

I have a huge dilemma right now. My wife has a massive problem with the money I've...

Insert anything in here and it sounds as though she’s going to have a problem with it. This is not about the money as you have said, and it’s not about U2. Try any variable of insecurity, power, control and maybe they show up in other elements of your relationship.

Am I being selfish?

No. Your wife is.

And how is your love and passion for the band and concerts (according to her) ruining your marriage? Have you asked her what the reasons are? Honestly it sounds like she may have one foot out the door and is looking for something to blame. Going to a few U2 shows when you are financially capable is not reason enough to end a marriage. Can you imagine her taking this issue to a divorce judge, "Uh, your honor, he likes U2 so much that he has to go to a lot of shows." Something else might be going on. But the only two people who know are the ones involved in the relationship.

Friends and family have told me as much but I have gone to the ends of the earth to show her she is more important.

I think you've admitted it yourself right here. Outsiders have noticed there is an issue at play. This has nothing to do with the band my friend, sorry.




Nother good reason to make sure this obsession of mine is written into my marriage vows...

 

[gvox]

When you did a "combined" trip, how many U2 shows did you see and how long was your vacation? The two examples you cited didn't seem like much of a vacation - basically 1 or 2 days for U2 and then 5 days traveling.

Maybe raise the issue again a little later, maybe a week from now and propose a trip to her. Have all the details from:

- How many shows (might want to do only 1 show);
- Seats or GA (might want to propose seats, that way you can still explore the city during the day); and
- Details on the vacation - from number of days (suggest at least 10 days following the concert) to places to visit to hotels you will stay at, etc.

Basically, sell the proposal as an opportunity for both of you to spend quality time with one another, enjoy things you both enjoy (U2 and travelling), that you have taken into consideration her views, and that you are committed to exploring new places with her. Seeing U2 is one opportunity to get out and explore. That's how I sold Hawaii to my wife - she always wanted to go to Hawaii and it was also an opportunity to see the last U2 show of the Vertigo tour.

Dude, your wife isn't selfish and controlling. No disrespect to Moog, but his wife sounds like she completely is. He's done all that recently. 5 days following a U2 show isn't enough? At least 10 days following the concert?! Cmon man, not only is it unrealistic, it's setting him up to be trampled on forever by someone who uses emotional blackmail to get her way.

Westendgirl also made excellent points.

Someone needs to put their foot down. Lovingly, yes, but firmly.

 

[Jamescorymiko]

Just another thought, it looks like you work away from home during the week. Is she in Chicago with you during the week or is she still in Florida? Just a guess here, but if you are already away from her during the week, that might be a huge part of it. If you change schedules/make sacrifices to see U2, she might feel that you go to greater lengths to see U2 than you do to see her.

Now, the U2 fanatic (all of us) will say that it only happens every 4 years or so - which is true. But, we need to remind ourselves that we are all living in the extreme as it relates to U2. If the OP was only going to the shows near his home town, I am guessing that she wouldn't have such a problem with it. Also, he did say that she has a "permanent" leg injury due to queuing. That would make sense as to why she does not desire to be there (in addition to other issues).

Big picture, it wouldn't be the end of the world to only go to local shows on the next leg. While it does seem like an excellent compromise to make vacation plans that coincide with U2 shows drool, it is obvious that there is something besides the actual shows that's bothering her (at least from what we know).

I would recommend asking her what is it that truly bothers her with your U2 travels. Listen. Don't talk. My guess is that it isn't about the band, but it is about:

1. Wanting to spend quality time with you.
2. Feeling like she is a priority to you.

My apologies if I said anything offensive, just trying to offer my two cents and to help out.

 

[Liesje]

It sounds like it's not that she actually hates U2, but she hates that you have something that is your own hobby and takes your time and money away from her. That would be a real issue for me. Phil and I travel to U2 shows together but we both know I am way more obsessed than him and sometimes I do "girls only" road trips to shows with my girlfriends. I also raise and train dogs and he is not very involved in that. But on the flip side, I have no problem when he joins a softball league or hangs out with his friends to get pizza or play video games. We have different interests but we are able to balance it because we allow each other the freedom to be different without feeling guilty. The only time it is a problem is if it does become a financial burden, which I try not to let happen.

I would maybe take your wife on a nice minivacation or weekend away having nothing to do with U2 or any U2 places. My in-laws say the same things about me b/c usually when we visit them it's b/c we are staying at their place for a dog show, or they stay with us for a work conference so every once in a while we have to do something just for the sake of doing something together and not trying to compromise or work in other things that only one person enjoys.

I feel for you b/c I am an independent person, independent to a fault and I cannot stand clingy people.

 

[last unicorn]

I am sorry to read about your problem, but there has been some good advice given here in this thread. I really think a partner should love you enough to understand and toleratie what you like and give you the freedom to do it, because, after all, it brings you joy in life. I understand if you're exaggerating it and she might feel neglected. You have to find a balance, a compromise, but it has to work both ways. You have to show her that you still care more about her than about U2, but make it clear to her how important the band is to you and that going to the concerts makes you feel good and gives you joy something that she should definitely support. And don't forget that the tour doesn't last forever and there is still plenty of U2-less time which you can spend together. Try to offer her something special for the non-U2 season.

 

[Flaming_C]

Dude, your wife isn't selfish and controlling. No disrespect to Moog, but his wife sounds like she completely is. He's done all that recently. 5 days following a U2 show isn't enough? At least 10 days following the concert?! Cmon man, not only is it unrealistic, it's setting him up to be trampled on forever by someone who uses emotional blackmail to get her way.

Westendgirl also made excellent points.

Someone needs to put their foot down. Lovingly, yes, but firmly.

Maybe his wife doesn't like travelling great distances to see the band and spend very little time in a city or a country. Can you really see and get to know a city - let alone a country - in just five days? Five days seems actually like a rushed vacation, hence allotting at least 10 days to travel and explore.

That being said, it does sound like Mellow's wife is being unreasonable. Mellow needs to take the time and find out what her main issues really are. Seems like there are other things at play than just seeing U2 overseas.

 

[corianderstem]

It sounds like it's not that she actually hates U2, but she hates that you have something that is your own hobby and takes your time and money away from her. That would be a real issue for me.

This is my personal take on it as well. I'm prtty independent and would have an issue with a partner who wasn't able to let me spend time with/on whatever my passion is.

Now, if it starts to be a financial issue, then that's a separate issue.

I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot, though - good luck trying to work things out.

 

[Roland of Gilead]

I am married with kids and have a wife that understands that my love of U2 is part of the package. I can't say that she "hates" U2, but she definetly not a fan beyond the slight casual level.

Does every big holiday involve U2? Do you break from holidays when U2 break and then holiday when the band tour? If you say that you only go to Europe with the wife when U2 tours Europe, then I'd say that she has a legitimate complaint. Once to a few times, maybe a holiday with combined U2 tour can be special and she has obviously compromised to now to accept it to a point. The arguement being made here is that you can only make time for her if it involves U2 and you can can only make an effort to plan a holiday with her if it involves U2.

I am making a big assumption here that your wife and you have only been to certain places because U2 were there. I apologise if I am way off here.

The problem might not be the fact that you love this band. It might be that she sees you only seem to make a serious effort to experience the globe with your wife and U2. Have you done a lot of travelling with the wife that didn't involve U2?

If your wife says that she "hates" U2 and, yet, attends more U2 concerts than most U2 fans, then she has definetly done her duty to be supportive of your U2 love. Could you see yourself travelling the globe following your wife's interest and that interest being something you couldn't really care about?

I don't know you at all and I don't want you to think that I'm siding with your wife. I'm just throwing this stuff out there.

All the best to you. And do work it out.

 

[BVS]

This is why I only marry subservient women.











anyone who really knows me, knows the complete opposite is probably true...

 

[A stor]

It sounds like it's not that she actually hates U2, but she hates that you have something that is your own hobby and takes your time and money away from her. That would be a real issue for me. Phil and I travel to U2 shows together but we both know I am way more obsessed than him and sometimes I do "girls only" road trips to shows with my girlfriends. I also raise and train dogs and he is not very involved in that. But on the flip side, I have no problem when he joins a softball league or hangs out with his friends to get pizza or play video games. We have different interests but we are able to balance it because we allow each other the freedom to be different without feeling guilty. The only time it is a problem is if it does become a financial burden, which I try not to let happen.

I would maybe take your wife on a nice minivacation or weekend away having nothing to do with U2 or any U2 places. My in-laws say the same things about me b/c usually when we visit them it's b/c we are staying at their place for a dog show, or they stay with us for a work conference so every once in a while we have to do something just for the sake of doing something together and not trying to compromise or work in other things that only one person enjoys.

I feel for you b/c I am an independent person, independent to a fault and I cannot stand clingy people.

I'm the same way, in regards to "clingy" people. I am also very independent. Because, I had to be on my own at a young age.

I think you hit on a very important point. Every relationship needs breathing room. And I don't mean cheating on your spouse. That's wrong. Though, it is certainly okay to have your own interest and hobbies. I went back to college at age fifty. I already have a degree. But, I wanted to take additional courses for my own enjoyment. This took time away from my husband and he didn't have a problem with it. He was proud of me, for wanting more education.

 

[Liesje]

Yep, breathing room is right. I won't say that has to be the case here, b/c every person and ever relationship is different. I know couples that are both equally clingy and co-dependent and it suits them just fine, whereas that type of relationship would drive me insane. Like I said I am independent to a fault. I will go on a 1-2 week vacation with my family and Phil is home doing work, school, or hanging out with his buddies and to us this is not weird but some people look at us like we're crazy.

It sounds like something is out of balance in this relationship and it's not necessarily U2. Who is to blame and how to fix that is probably none of our business.

 

[Liesje]

This is why I only marry subservient women.

but in this case that might be a problem! The subservient ones are the ones that are clingy and can't find anything to do on their own when the spouse is away.

 

[BGD75]

My biggest issue is that my wife does not have any real interests in anything in-particular. Nothing that she feels passionate about, so she has nothing to relate it to. If she did then maybe she can relate to my interest in U2.
She said on the phone this morning she "feckin hates U2' as she thinks it's ruining our marriage! I just didn't respond and tried to change the subject but it's killing me inside.
I've tried to get to the root of why she hates U2 and the only answer I can come up with is that she feels that they are taking my attention away from her.

Well, there you go: you just pointed out the problem.
1. Your wife has no interests of her own
2. She feels that U2 is taking your attention away from her

I am a female, but I have always been the type of girl who wants her boyfriend to go out with the guys. I would be concerned if I was with a guy who had no hobbies and wanted to spend every free moment together with me. I have couple of girlfriends who are very much like your wife - there is nothing out there that interests them in particular and they don't get the concept of feeling passionate about something. I hate to say this, but your problem will most likely persist for as long as your wife doesn't find something else to do.... and she really needs to stop worrying about your attention being away from her. It's not like you go to see Pussycat Dolls in concert.... I hope things work out!

 

[mellow moog]

When you did a "combined" trip, how many U2 shows did you see and how long was your vacation? The two examples you cited didn't seem like much of a vacation - basically 1 or 2 days for U2 and then 5 days traveling.

Maybe raise the issue again a little later, maybe a week from now and propose a trip to her. Have all the details from:

- How many shows (might want to do only 1 show);
- Seats or GA (might want to propose seats, that way you can still explore the city during the day); and
- Details on the vacation - from number of days (suggest at least 10 days following the concert) to places to visit to hotels you will stay at, etc.

Basically, sell the proposal as an opportunity for both of you to spend quality time with one another, enjoy things you both enjoy (U2 and travelling), that you have taken into consideration her views, and that you are committed to exploring new places with her. Seeing U2 is one opportunity to get out and explore. That's how I sold Hawaii to my wife - she always wanted to go to Hawaii and it was also an opportunity to see the last U2 show of the Vertigo tour.

In 05, we spent 3 days in Dublin and 6 days in south west ireland and 4 days in Wales. This year we spent 4 days in dublin and 5 days on the west coast of Ireland.
Even doing GA, I Am not queing up usually. In 05 we queued for Cardiff as i'm From Wales and felt I had to (childish I know!) but in Dublin, didnt go to the shows until past 7 and we stayed fairly close to Croke. In 09 ,GA again but didnt go to stadium until 7:30 pm both nights so we did plenty of sightseeing in Dublin anyway.
If I even hinted at any plans right now I'd be dead!!!
She just can't get past doing both things at the same time, but she also doesn't want me to go without her.

 

[mellow moog]

Oh yeah...didn't realise. No more calls from you in the middle of the night - only from the madwife.

PM or call me if you want to chat.

LIFE'S TOO SHORT

I hear ya! I'll definitely give you a call soon just to see how you're doing.

 

[Liesje]

In 05, we spent 3 days in Dublin and 6 days in south west ireland and 4 days in Wales. This year we spent 4 days in dublin and 5 days on the west coast of Ireland.
Even doing GA, I Am not queing up usually. In 05 we queued for Cardiff as i'm From Wales and felt I had to (childish I know!) but in Dublin, didnt go to the shows until past 7 and we stayed fairly close to Croke. In 09 ,GA again but didnt go to stadium until 7:30 pm both nights so we did plenty of sightseeing in Dublin anyway.
If I even hinted at any plans right now I'd be dead!!!
She just can't get past doing both things at the same time, but she also doesn't want me to go without her.

Wow, sounds more than fair to me. She's crazy, just crazy, lol! Is she trying to control you? What is her alternative, you both sit home doing nothing where one or both of you could be on vacation or at a U2 show?

 

[mellow moog]

I think most stuff has been covered but here are my thoughts...



ding ding ding ding



Insert anything in here and it sounds as though she’s going to have a problem with it. This is not about the money as you have said, and it’s not about U2. Try any variable of insecurity, power, control and maybe they show up in other elements of your relationship.


No. Your wife is.

And how is your love and passion for the band and concerts (according to her) ruining your marriage? Have you asked her what the reasons are? Honestly it sounds like she may have one foot out the door and is looking for something to blame. Going to a few U2 shows when you are financially capable is not reason enough to end a marriage. Can you imagine her taking this issue to a divorce judge, "Uh, your honor, he likes U2 so much that he has to go to a lot of shows." Something else might be going on. But the only two people who know are the ones involved in the relationship.



I think you've admitted it yourself right here. Outsiders have noticed there is an issue at play. This has nothing to do with the band my friend, sorry.




Nother good reason to make sure this obsession of mine is written into my marriage vows...

You're going to get a U2 Prenup?????

You're spot on that this is not the only issue but it is the biggest issue and has been for a long time. I guess every four years allowed cooling time but now??? with the tour just announced for next year?? I'm already in the doghouse and I haven't even done anything yet!!!