back with my latest one, guys...

[foray]

If you'd like to help me think of a more apt title, by all means... Right now, it's called

_Butterfly_.


I remember reading somewhere how
The lifespan of a butterfly is three days.
A flash of colour, moving like the sunset.


Fresh from a fragile cushion
To clumsy freedom, wings soft as tears;
Flit fast thru? the ether, dear dignity.
I wish I could pin the moment
Of having one resting on my hand.

I wonder if he still thinks of the day
He told me he had terminal disease
And how he always knew it
I fled the restaurant, left him sitting there.
That year was the most painful and happiest.


foray... (

)

 

[DancingBarefoot]

This really is very beautiful, foray. Life is so fragile. I think these stanzas stand alone but perhaps, if you have the strength emotionally, you could continue to develop the comparison you've set up between your loved one and the butterfly. What a lovely tribute. I can't imagine what it must be like for the butterfly that knows it's time is so short. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.



------------------
**Still looking for the
face I had before the
world was made....**

**Work like you don't
need money, love like
you've never been hurt,
and dance like no
one's watching.**

 

[Angela Harlem]

Butterfly is more than enough.

Unless its finished to you, maybe you could write more?

 

[foray]

Not long enough for you?

Yes, I did think that it had potential for me to expand on it, give it a few stanzas. But I fear my readers would get weary or lose attention easily. I like conciseness and brevity in literature... However, I am thinking of rewriting this piece.

Dancing Barefoot & Angela, thanks for your kind words. Btw, DancingBarefoot, it's not about my partner or anything, but about my best friend. Well, yeah, that's still considered a "loved one" heh

foray...

 

[Bacchus]

Originally posted by foray:



A flash of colour, moving like the sunset.

I wish I could pin the moment
Of having one resting on my hand.



foray... (

)

simply beautiful, now tell me again why is it so hard to swallow after you read this..

 

[BabyGrace]

Fresh from a fragile cushion
To clumsy freedom, wings soft as tears;
Flit fast thru' the ether, dear dignity.

I think butterfly is a perfect title...beautiful and fragile.

if you do decide to add more, I'd do it in the middle; keep the end at the end because it's wonderful there...
I don't think it needs more though

 

[travu2]

I think "Butterfly" is a good title, and it's a lovely, though heartbreaking, poem.

I was very into butterflies when I was a kid. There was a time when I raised about 15 monarch butterfly caterpillars and they all made cocoons about the same time. When they began emerging, I had the pleasure of letting some of them crawl onto my finger, waiting for their wings to expand, and seeing them fly off. It is one of my best memories, and your metaphor really touched me.

 

[scatteroflight]

Sorry you had to write this poem, but thanks...

"wings soft as tears"

 

[foray]

Thanks, scatteroflight

BabyGrace, you are right. I could expand on the middle bit. However, a friend of mine (well, who studied Literature) remarked that my ending is clumsy as well as grammatically incorrect

("most painful and happiest"). I don't care for the grammar mistakes, but do you guys think the ending is clumsy? Angela Harlem said that its abrupt ending mirrors Life's abruptness.

Decisions, decisions...

Maybe as long as the poem speaks to ME will be enough. I found myself wanting to cry while composing it.

travu2, thank you for your lovely story. Was truly heartening to me.

foray

 

[Bacchus]

Originally posted by foray:
_Butterfly_.

most painful and happiest.


foray... (

)

That's the one that sent me over the edge actually foray; it encompases how time is relative. A year to most of us is what a scond might be to a butterfly...

Be uncool
Yes, be awkward

 

[foray]

Bacchus... I am thinking of scrapping the last paragraph altogether. Perhaps it does not contribute to the poem. Problem is, it speaks to me the author and not to (most) readers.

Anyway, thanks for the thoughts, guys!

foray

 

[Bacchus]

OH no!! don't touch the last paragraph, it actually makes the poem, in my view any way...
i have to be honest, the only reason my first response was so short is because i couln't think of anything to say with all the tears running down my face... so, you're not the only one it speaks to; it actually touched me very deep inside, i guess i kinda know what it feels like to sit there...

 

[scatteroflight]

Originally posted by Bacchus:
OH no!! don't touch the last paragraph, it actually makes the poem, in my view any way...

I agree, it should stay the way it is. Whether or not it's great poetry, it's what opens up the whole poem and gives it meaning. Without the last stanza it would be more like just a poem about a butterfly. When you read the last stanza, you can go back and read the whole thing and the idea of the butterfly takes on new meaning.

And you know, a poem like this has meaning for a lot of people. In the last few years several people I know have died of cancer. Lately it has touched me very closely again. So thank you for sharing your emotion.

 

[famous rungi]

God, how I miss him.

 

[Foadie]

amazing

Beautiful.

It feels like the words are so close to me that I wrote them.

Thank you.

 

[Blue_Angel]

..