in my life...

[U2phan]

She fits me like a glove. She knows me more than I know myself at times. I have never met anyone like her before. She is the perfect one for me. I miss her when she's gone, even if only for a few days. I think of her when she's not around, and the thought of seeing her lifts me up each day. Even if I rarely see her.

I like her so much. For nearly 5 years I've always had a special place for her in my heart, yeah it's a cliche. But she means so much to me, she's still the sweet girl I fell in love with. Or have I? What is love? I mean, I am only 16, what do I know about this mysterious love?

Well I don't know what else it is. Everytime I see her I am so happy, nothing can be wrong. I can have the worst day of my life, but she can make it all better just by a simple chat online or a single phone call, without even knowing it. I depend so much on her. If she was gone from my life, I seriously consider leaving it. I don't mean suicide, that's just dumb, she wouldn't want me to die for her. But I would die for her. I'd jump in front of bullets and bad guys just to save her, I'll do anything needed to keep her safe. She's the only person in my life that I truly love.

I'd always imagine in my dreams that if I heroically saved her life while sacrificing mine, she'd hold me in her arms while I breathe my last breaths of life. I would hold her close, and tell her how much I loved her, and would go in peace because she would whisper the same to me. Sadly I could never tell her how much I care for her right now, because I like her so much more than a best friend. If I'd ever tell her, I don't know how she would react. Realistically, I don't think that she likes me the same way, she probably just sees me as a loyal friend who she sees once in a while. I am just so scared of ruining the great friendship I have with her, the best relationship I've ever had in my entire life. If I was to scare her away, to the point where she wouldn't talk with me, I'd be lost. My brother tells me from his psychology class, he advised that she'll never see me as a friend anymore, primarily as the guy who likes her.

But I rather have her in my life then not at all.

But I can't live out my life without telling her. It would be my dying regret.

Do I risk my entire relationship with her? I know she'd never return my feelings, but that slim hope, that chance that she might also like me, that drives me.

Regrets...

"If you never try you'll never know"---Coldplay's "Fix You"

"Remember to let into your heart, then you can start, to make it better...Don't be afraid, you were made to, go out and get her...the minute you let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better...You have found her, now go and get her"---The Beatles' "Hey Jude"

Sigh...I'll never like a girl like I did to her, unless I can resolve it and get over it. Sometimes I tell myself it's just a phase...but I can't. It's just not true. I do love her. But I can't ever...

In my life...I've loved you more--John Lennon

Yes John, you're a smart man. But I can't ever tell her.
It comes down to this.

I love her much that I cannot tell her, because it would hurt her deeply to lose a friend like me, and it could only bring bad consequences. I'd be lost in whirlwind of loneliness and despair. I don't know how'd it affect her, we've been through too much for me to hate me. Which frightens me.

I guess I'll be lonely forever. I can't ever get her, and how can I have the same feelings for someone else? I'll always live with just a memory of her, because even when she says we'll be friends forever...nothing good lasts forever. We'll be going to college in a few years, and haha what are odds we'll both go to the same university. My own personal ambition of helping to save the world from itself will send me to places around the world, working in the Peace Corps hopefully. We'll see each other less and less, until she forgets about me.

But I'll never forget the sweet angel that I call Nellie.












i posted this in a private blog on Myspace last week, but I think I want to see what you guys think...?

 

[HelloAngel]

We all have our first love around your age. Someone you think you could never live without, and definitely the person you will love more than anyone else EVER.

But see, when you're going through that, you can't see the rest of the world out here who have already been where you are and we get through it and move on somehow. Sure, you'll always have a place in your heart for Nellie, and you'll go on as long as you choose to with a very Shakespearean youthfully tragic take on it all, but life goes on and so will you.

The thing is, at 16, you can't possibly say what you can't ever imagine doing, feeling or loving. You've barely started living. That's like saying you'll never climb a mountain, or get married twice or have a watermelon fall on your lap and break your kneecap. At your age, you can't possibly speak with such finite tones and think that you have it all pegged and planned out.

Listen, I know first love hurts right now. You feel it in every vein in your body. You obsess over it. You cry about it. You stare at the phone wondering if you should call her. It encompasses every inch of your soul. We've all been there. If you feel you should tell her how you feel, than do so. Alot of kids make huge love proclaimations when faced with the iminent dislocation of university because of the no-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel passion you feel right now.

Like you said, "I am only 16, what do I know about this mysterious love?" but then you go on to say "I guess I'll be lonely forever." You can't possibly know at 16 how you'll be forever. You'll be just fine if you want to be.

 

[For Honor]

The best thing I can say do you is that.......


youre life will be anything but what you expect in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years.


When you're young, you really just can't see very far at all, and perhaps for a reason. But whatever the case, I strongly reccommend that you keep in mind that this is "just a moment" and it will pass.

I don't mean to dismiss you as a kid or anything, because I felt very similar when I was your age (2 years ago). Just believe me...... when you get out of high school, lots of things change, and you get a more real perspective on the world. That comes with time, experneice, and there is just no substitute. ( I can't really express that enough - there is no substitute for time. I tried so much to be like an adult, to be serious, to be mature about things, but in the end, and especially in retrospect, I realized that no matter what I did or thought or acted upon, I was still a young man.) Try not to take things so seriously...




The only reason I'm telling you these things is because this is what I would have told myself. But ultimately, we all find our own ways, one way or another. So don't be afraid to follow through on your goals. Just remember, you are a kid right now. I'm a kid, too. Just slightly older.


PS: You seem to be a sensative dreamer type, at least somewhat. Make sure you stand up for yourself. Sometimes, as glorifying as a martyr's life can be... it really leaves you hanging o ut to dry. BUt then again..... everyone has their own road......

 

[U2phan]

thanks for the replies, it's been what I was sort of thinking too...

 

[U2phan]

If anyone cares, I just had a conversation online with her today


me: well i mean there are plenty of people i wouldnt mind going out with
her: ooo really?
me: but im not like...
her: not like what
me: idk
me: ergggg
me: it's hard to explain
me: okay like
me: why would you not go out with a friend?
her: because it'd be weird
her: cause i'm crazy close to all my friends and so i don't even see them as anything more
her: after some point they're a person in my life
her: and not a potential boyfriend
her: and it freaks me out if ever i find out they like me

sigh...well at least I know without ruining our friendship.
that's good to know...

 

[For Honor]

Valuable information.


Move on and don't look back, unless she decides to play chase and go after you.


Iremember hearing those kinds of conversations in school. Good luck.

 

[MrBrau1]

In the immortal words of Paul Westerburg:

"If you're gonna make a fool out of yourself, do it."

 

[impy13]

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I fell for the girl who was pretty much my best friend and I was incredibly close with.

I told her how I felt, and not a whole lot of good came from it. A lot of patches of not talking. A lot of harsh words. The reason for this was she strung me along, she basically told me she felt the same but never quite went through with it, always keeping it right in front of me but just out of reach.

I went from girl to girl for awhile, getting together with and spending some time with a few different ones, but they didn't really measure up. I was more or less convinced I actually loved the girl.

Now I've been with a different girl for a year, and I'm absolutely 100% in love with her. It totally blows the feelings for that past girl out of the water. I was around 16 or so when the first one's shenanigans were going down, and trust me, you may feel like it's complete shit right now, but you're going to find someone else eventually in your life that will make you realize puppy love and true love are very, very different things.

Do you tell her? I'm not so sure. My relationship with the first girl has never been the same, and certainly will never be again. If you value your intense, deep friendship enough, I say don't do it. If you think it's worth the risk, then I suppose go right in. You're young enough, and if it is a mistake, this is the time in your life to make mistakes.

Just do what you feel is right. You sound like a romantic, so I'm right there with you. I find as young as we are, this is the time to follow your heart and not your head. Do what YOU think is proper.

Good luck, and thank you for the Coldplay reference.

 

[HelloAngel]

If anyone cares, I just had a conversation online with her today


me: well i mean there are plenty of people i wouldnt mind going out with
her: ooo really?
me: but im not like...
her: not like what
me: idk
me: ergggg
me: it's hard to explain
me: okay like
me: why would you not go out with a friend?
her: because it'd be weird
her: cause i'm crazy close to all my friends and so i don't even see them as anything more
her: after some point they're a person in my life
her: and not a potential boyfriend
her: and it freaks me out if ever i find out they like me

sigh...well at least I know without ruining our friendship.
that's good to know...

I don't know of this helps, dude, but when you're 16 and a girl, the last thing you want to do is date a close friend because you "see them as your brother."

But you know what's really strange? Give her 2-3 years of some growing up and I bet her attitude does a complete 180. That happened to me and most girls I know.

Once girls go off to college or get out of high school and start meeting other guys, they start realizing how good they had it with their good guy friends, and then they start either contacting you again "to catch up" or they come home for the holidays and make a move. It happens.

 

[girlhappy]

Smart advices. I have nothing more to say...exept for..you will fell for many girls in the future i promise!
I know how dramatic can it be and i completely understand your feelings. But i think if she is not ready to commit be frieid with her!It is not that bad!

 

[U2phan]

thanks for all the advice, talking with you guys and my other friends helped me think a lot. I think I'll just keep her as my friend for now, there's more fish in the sea lol. I really love all of you, have a good new year!

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

I would say do it. Just blurt it out and say it. Once you say it you'll feel a huge load-off. It's hard and things might get weird for some time but if you're really good friends you won't lose her entirely.

Close your eyes and do it, man. Bite the bullet.

 

[Needle_Chill]

I dunno... if I were you I'd play the waiting game. I mean HelloAngel was right... she'll change as everyone always does, and if you'll have a better situation to make a move later on and just get closer to her for now, then that may serve you better.

Like the last thing you want her to do is be freaked out right now and then cut your legs out from under you.

No matter how much you feel for her, these things are always dictated by the situation.

But I'm not there, so I feel like a bit of a dick for telling you not to go after her... as if I'd be that rational... ha!

 

[digsy]

not so much advice but just a familiar understanding from me having been there done that, but from the perspective of the girl:

firstly, she probably knows you like her but doesn't want to admit it cause she's as worried as you she'll lose the friendship. well thats how i felt anyway... it was never spoken of and never acknowledged in anyway.

i'm gonna try cut a very long complicated story short:
this guy was my best friend, my world pretty much revolved around him and i would have done and given anything for him. we went everywhere, did everything together - we even lived in the same house and spent pretty much most of our time together.
even though i knew he liked me, because he never said anything or tried anything, i turned a blind eye and the topic of conversation never came up and it was never properly dealt with untill it was too late.

So when i got a boyfriend, he got upset and the first thing he did was run off to the one girl I had a massive history with and who he knew would hurt me the most (thats another really long story that i dont have the emotional energy to go into)

suffice to say the friendship went tits up and it broke my heart.
i like to think that had we actually addressed the issue at hand of him liking me and not just plainly ignored it, we might have been able to work something out.

And while it was him that ultimately wrecked the friendship with his hurtful behaviour, i have to take a portion of the blame myself.
while this is gonna sound arrogant, i really dont mean it to be, but i can only think he was reacting out of hurt - I can't imagine how dificult it must have been to live with someone and spend all your time with someone who you love but who doesn't return your feelings?
and we all do that whole "oh but i would rather get to be with someone as their friend than not at all" but i wonder how healthy this really is.

my point really is, unless you really do think you're strong enough to be that person and to consistently live with her "rejection" of you as a potential partner, then maybe it's best to say something to her.
clear the air so that you guys are on level ground and have an equal understanding of your friendship.
one of the things that hurt me the most after it all fell apart was that i realised that this guy who's friendship i had given so much to, wasn't spending time with me because he was my friend, he was just spending time with me to be near me - it sounds silly but it was quite a painful revelation, it made the last 2 years of friendship seem like a complete farce.

anyways, a year on its still a massive sore point for me and something that i've really struggled to get over.
It's ironic given the topic of subject - friends and relationships - that it was in fact not some boyfriend or ex, but a friend who managed to hurt me the most and do more damage to me than anyone else has ever come close to.

what am i trynig to say here? i dunno, i'm just relaying experience but i think i would admit to her you like her.
as i say she probably knows already and i know had my friend and i talked about it, i really doubt it would have ruined the friendship, in fact quite the opposite happened - it was not talking about it and clearing the air that caused the whole thing to fall apart.

 

[Carek1230]

Relationaships, both romantic and friendships, change over time and as we mature. When young, feelings are SO STRONG. I agree with those above, give it time.....go do your thing and see the world and guaranteed if things were meant to be then one day the girl will have matured and if your friendship were meant to last as such it will always be there, and if anything romantic is meant to happen it will blossom. Just not now. I also believe things happen for reasons.

On 2 occasions in my life I've had very good friendships with guys and when I chose to tell them I had feelings then the relationship ended or changed drastically. This happened to me recently when I intriduced a very good guy friend to my sister and the 2 were immediately drawn to one another and it really hurts. The guy has treated me like crap and I've ended my friendship with him because I don't believe true friends hurt other friends, especially the way he has hurt me. I am angry at my sister also, but a sisterhood is more important and sacred than a friendship with this guy.

I'm older, and trust me in that people will come and go in your life. I've been through a divorce and lost people close to me. I guess I'm a survivor and have learned to get through the heartache and loss and pain. There's ALWAYS been new friends, relationships right around the corner for me.

Good luck. No one ever said relationships and friendships would be easy or all fun and laughter. I believe it's going through the hardships and sad times that make us stronger and carve out who we really are. Those times are the life lessons we grow from.

 

[U2phan]

Thanks for all the advice. Though things have changed since I've last said anything...

So anyways, I've realized that I shouldn't freak her out, and not tell her to save our friendship. Some of you would tell her, some wouldn't, and I won't. For now.

But recently, it doesn't even seem like I'm a friend anymore. We just talked online tonight for the first time in weeks, and I would have expected her to be a bit more excited to be talking to one of her best friends.

I had originally messaged her in the hopes of inviting her (as a friend) to our school's 80s dance next week. Just to hang out and talk, being as I haven't seen her in a month. I still have her Christmas present even.

But the conversation was so...detached. I reminded her we haven't seen each other in a while, but all she said was "yeah..." Not much. It made me feel like shit. Are we even still friends? That's the whole point of not telling her. When I asked her what she was doing on Friday night, she talked about hanging out with her other guy friends. Seems like I'm no longer one of the guy friends anymore. I got so disappointed, I didn't even bring up the dance. She would have probably said no anyways. So we didn't say anything for about half an hour, and she logged out. Without saying goodbye. Which she never does anyways.

Sadly it's obvious we are growing apart. It doesn't seem like she'd miss me a lot. Some best friend, huh?

"I can't live....with or without you".

 

[For Honor]

You should be listening to mofo, not wowy

 

[u2bonogirl]

Love is always devastating when you're young. I tortured myself from age 15-19 with horrible, lonely, and odd relationships. And they always seemed in the end to be enough to kill me forever. Well...you know. For a couple weeks in some cases
Lucky for me, I actually found my person young and I dont have to go through the tragedies that are crushes anymore

But its true. People usually love more than once before they find something sticks

 

[LikeNoOneBefore]

Well, I dated one of my closest friends. A lot of people here know the story. We broke up. He got a new girlfriend. We argued, we fought. Now he's been shunning me for over a month, and it's still painful to think about him.

Now, I'm not saying that this will 100% happen to you because I've seen instances where it's the exact opposite. But you have to think about if you want to risk this or not, which I'm sure you are already thinking about.

I think that you should give her some time. Maybe she's wondering the same things about you that you are of her. Don't force things, just let them be. Because if it was meant to be, it will happen. And if it doesn't happen, then there's going to be another girl out there who is your perfect soulmate. Be patient...

Good luck!