Here's one for everybody to ponder.
Where should I begin?
Some of you may recall I was having financial problems of a grand sort, right around the time the tickets went on sale. It had to do with the fact that my concert fund was drained because my grandmother had a stroke a year ago and I had to help my mom out with travel funds. My grandma lives alone (Grandpa passed away 4 yrs ago), and her neighbors are all at Florida, etc. She has the family treasure, the home on the waterfront, one of the Finger lakes, since 1952. She will not move to Albany or NTC and live with any family member, for many reasons.
I had to help my mom out with various expenses, etc, and fell behind on my bills. I made the people on the Wire list sick with all my entreaties about tix, etc. But that, and the first show, worked out (I'm goin in the fall twice too.) The bills cris reached a point, though, when I was almost evicted from my apt in April. That is, I had to come up with the entire May rent by the ist--I couldn't split up my payments anymore. They'd been letting me do that for 4 months, bec I was such a good tenant other wise. I tried everything, and finally had to swallow my pride and go to Mom for substantial sum of money. Now, I am in the process of recovery, but for Mom, disaster has struck. Bear with me please. This might get long. You'll see why I had to mention this.
All this past 2 months, my stepfather has been acting strange. Well, I'm 36, and he's my Mom's 3rd husband. I've lived in my own place for 5 yrs. My kid sister is 19. She's my stepsister but we are so close I don't think of her that way. Out of all the people in my family, I'm the closest to her. They live 15 minutes away from me. Anyway, since March, my stepfather (I'll call him J), has been acting strange. He was a former alcoholic, but has reformed when Mom threatened to have him arrested when C (my sister) was 3. Well, since March, he's reverted back to his old ways. Coming home at 1 AM, dead drunk, disappearing for days at a time with no explanation. My Mom has to be at the Lake house (my grandma's) 1 or 2 weeks out of every month--she and my uncle rotate taking care of her, she can't be alone. It's a 4 hour drive for her, a 7 hour drive for my uncle.
Anyway, on this past Monday, he had been gone for 5 days. For the first 3 days, Mom had been at grandma's, and when she got back, some of the downstairs furniture was gone. Mom finally took C to the Lake House--just up and went. I had to babysit the dog for the past week. I didn't argue with that--had the whole house, and the computer, to myself. He said he'd be back this past Monday. Well, this past Monday, he was back. And out of the clear blue sky, he reveled that he had moved out and was now renting a nice little place literally right around the corner. Had it all set up, furniture, everything. He said he was confused and depressed and needed time to think some things over.
Now, you have to know a bit obout their marriage. It wasn't. a marriage at all. They were together 20 years. My Mom married mt dad when she was 24, and divorced him when she was 27. I was a baby and never knew him. All I have are pics. 2 yrs later she married my brother's dad, and they divorced after an epic 5 yr long custody battle when I was age 12-16. My brother was born when I was 8. He started drifting when I was 7 or so. He'd vanish for months, with the lie that he was going to school with the funds mom gave him. Turns outhe was suing her money for years to save for a house he was moving into with anothere woman. This was in Detroit. Finally the custory battle got so bad Mom took my brother and me and we moved back to Albany NY )Where we al still are.) Soon after she got here, when I was 13, and we were living with my uncle, she met C's dad. They married a year later. She was loney I guess. But the custody battle was only in its 3rd year and of course J inherited it and its expenses. One day, my brother's dad just decided not to put him back on a plane for Albany when he was over for a visit. He was in cahoots with the judge on the case, paying him off. This was in 1986. The longshot of it was, not only did my mother lose the custody battle due to apack of lies and bribery, I haven't seen my bother at all since he was 8 yrs old. He's 28 now. He simply vanished fromm my life. We were SO close. No pics, nothing,. I have tried to find him but he has disowned us, it seems. It took my mother to goet over this--it was like he was dead.
Anyway, just after this, the expenses of the court case cuased them to declare bankrupcy. He began drinking, and beating my mother. He even injured her when she was pregnant with C. C was born almost 2 months early and to this day I'm sure it was b/c J kicked Mom in the stomach right before then. Why didn't she leave him? I have no idea. She needed man around I guess. (I t should also be said that I'd been a U2 fan for 5 yrs by this time and the music was the only thing that got me through.)
The bitterness of the custody battle took its toll. Their marriage was not a marriage. They may have live dunder the same roof but it was like sharing a hotel room. He had his own finances, his own life. He paid the mortgage and a few small bills but that was it. I already mentioned the drinking. No love, no affection. I should say that all that happneed, and the loss of her son, made my mother more bitter than I could bear.
Last fall, Mom announced she was taking an early retirement to help take care of Grandma. She was a teacher. So she is getting a generous retirement package. She delighted in talking about this with me. It was almost like getitng back at him for al the drunken behavior. 3 yrs ago C was diagnosed bipolar--it came from his family, def not from ours. She has the proper meds and is nowleading a normal life--working, going to a 2 yr college, has many friends, and was working on her drivers license, which she does not have yet. Now, this.
Monday, when Mom talked to me on the phone, she sounded like a dead woman. She is 60. We have a youngness gene (I call it the "Larry gene")
in the woemn of my mom's side. When MOm was 40 she looked 27. Now, she is 60, and the past 3 yrs of C's illness have aged her 10 yrs. The past weeks have aged her more than the past 20 yrs. Now, she looks 70, and would look even older if she didn't die her hair. "I guess I can't even rejoice in my retirement."
Now that J is under a different rook, he is everything he wasn't at home: sweet, kind and helpful. And never drunk. He hads entioned an apt to me he was "lloking at" back in Feb, but I thought that was for a friend.
The bastard. he was planning this al along..."SO she's going to retire? Well, I show HER! I show her who's retiring." I know him to well. He did this to get back at her--it's NOT marriage problems. He is triyng to make her feel guilty.
But here's the kicker. You'd think I'd be rushing to Mom's side in support. Bit the past week I have avoided the house or even calls. I can't stand being anywhere near her or even hearing her voice. Not only do I want nothing more to do with the man who is technically my 2nd stepfather, (I liked him little enough anyway for the callous way he treated my mother--he didn't beat her anymore but he NEVER gave her money, even when she was in desperate need--she had to borrow from me), I want to avoid her too. C is the only one I want to be around. Not only is it the fact that I can't help feeling a bit of contempt at her for being such a loser in her life (3 failed mariages, and the last one 20 yrs long!) 60 yrs old and with only 1 close friend, no family but my uncle and an aunt dowin 3 hrs away, I can't be close to her.
We were fairly closewhen I was a little kid, of course, but when the custody battle bagan, she used to take her anger out on me by beating me. I KNow there is no way in hell any self-respectng child today would put with what I put with-they'd on the phone to Child Abuse Hotline in a second. Every time J got drunk, he'd beat her, and she'd beat me. I lost pretty much all of my love for after that. I love her, of course; but LIKING her is another thing. And I've never been able to share my deepst feelings etc with her. We've never been close after that. Later, in m,y early 20's I told her I forgave her; but the damage had been done. I have never been able to be close to my mother after that, and am quite happy haivng just a casual relationship with her. We talk and laugh about music, movies, politics, C and her friends, and the genral events of my life and hers. But no deep feelings or secrets. And I;m quite happy with this state of affairs. And feel no guilt over it. I hate to sayit, but when I had to ask her for that money, I couldn't help feeling satidfaction. This was a bit of revenge.
Tje other reason is, I found the Lord when I was a teen. God led me to Him through U2. I am convinced of that. She was botter at God and hadn;'t set foot in church for years. The only reason I was baptized in the Armenian church and got an eduction was bec it owuld look good in court during the custody battle, and my uncle had to talk her into it. Bit one day, when I had the nerve to suggest toher there were angels, (I didn't even mention Jesus!) she beat me so badly I limped for 2 days. Being the meek little rabbit I was, and firghtened of her, I tolf nobdoy.
Sp that's why I can't be close to her. I can't comfort her. What can I say? What should I do? Should she take this lying down? And what should I tell C?
Yesterday, by pure chance, I ran into her and C in the grocery store. She snapped, "Don't ask me about my life. You never share your grief and feelings with me, so why should I go to you for comfort?" And while my heart w2as breaking for her, I had to asmit she was right. And I didn't want to be an crying bag for this loser. AGAIN. I tried to be nice when I was 15 and got abused literally for it. I hugged C, and C siad to me (rem we;'re very close), "I have to talk to T for a second." Mom:"What, you're going to talk aobut me behind me back?" and she glared at me. Sjhe walked away. C told me that Mom said she wanted t die, she was feeling sick in her chest, she wanted advice. I told her some sweet lies. "Be god to her, tel her you love her, she needs positive thoughts. I;ve been through this before and she won;t die. It;s reaction to shock." I reasured her.
But i"m torn. If I can't talk to C, and discuss my feelings aobut htis crisis with er, am I going to let MOm drive a wedge between us? and I AM worried aobut mOM.
Couseling is out of the question. For mom and me anyway. I am quite happy not haivng her "loser" vibes around me. And she willnever be a Christian. I know that. I've tried.
How should she react to J leaving out of the blue? What can I do to salavge the relationship with my family, susch as it is? There are no "third parties" here to intermediate. Not even a lawyer.
Plese pray for us, and give me advice.
Where should I begin?
Some of you may recall I was having financial problems of a grand sort, right around the time the tickets went on sale. It had to do with the fact that my concert fund was drained because my grandmother had a stroke a year ago and I had to help my mom out with travel funds. My grandma lives alone (Grandpa passed away 4 yrs ago), and her neighbors are all at Florida, etc. She has the family treasure, the home on the waterfront, one of the Finger lakes, since 1952. She will not move to Albany or NTC and live with any family member, for many reasons.
I had to help my mom out with various expenses, etc, and fell behind on my bills. I made the people on the Wire list sick with all my entreaties about tix, etc. But that, and the first show, worked out (I'm goin in the fall twice too.) The bills cris reached a point, though, when I was almost evicted from my apt in April. That is, I had to come up with the entire May rent by the ist--I couldn't split up my payments anymore. They'd been letting me do that for 4 months, bec I was such a good tenant other wise. I tried everything, and finally had to swallow my pride and go to Mom for substantial sum of money. Now, I am in the process of recovery, but for Mom, disaster has struck. Bear with me please. This might get long. You'll see why I had to mention this.
All this past 2 months, my stepfather has been acting strange. Well, I'm 36, and he's my Mom's 3rd husband. I've lived in my own place for 5 yrs. My kid sister is 19. She's my stepsister but we are so close I don't think of her that way. Out of all the people in my family, I'm the closest to her. They live 15 minutes away from me. Anyway, since March, my stepfather (I'll call him J), has been acting strange. He was a former alcoholic, but has reformed when Mom threatened to have him arrested when C (my sister) was 3. Well, since March, he's reverted back to his old ways. Coming home at 1 AM, dead drunk, disappearing for days at a time with no explanation. My Mom has to be at the Lake house (my grandma's) 1 or 2 weeks out of every month--she and my uncle rotate taking care of her, she can't be alone. It's a 4 hour drive for her, a 7 hour drive for my uncle.
Anyway, on this past Monday, he had been gone for 5 days. For the first 3 days, Mom had been at grandma's, and when she got back, some of the downstairs furniture was gone. Mom finally took C to the Lake House--just up and went. I had to babysit the dog for the past week. I didn't argue with that--had the whole house, and the computer, to myself. He said he'd be back this past Monday. Well, this past Monday, he was back. And out of the clear blue sky, he reveled that he had moved out and was now renting a nice little place literally right around the corner. Had it all set up, furniture, everything. He said he was confused and depressed and needed time to think some things over.
Now, you have to know a bit obout their marriage. It wasn't. a marriage at all. They were together 20 years. My Mom married mt dad when she was 24, and divorced him when she was 27. I was a baby and never knew him. All I have are pics. 2 yrs later she married my brother's dad, and they divorced after an epic 5 yr long custody battle when I was age 12-16. My brother was born when I was 8. He started drifting when I was 7 or so. He'd vanish for months, with the lie that he was going to school with the funds mom gave him. Turns outhe was suing her money for years to save for a house he was moving into with anothere woman. This was in Detroit. Finally the custory battle got so bad Mom took my brother and me and we moved back to Albany NY )Where we al still are.) Soon after she got here, when I was 13, and we were living with my uncle, she met C's dad. They married a year later. She was loney I guess. But the custody battle was only in its 3rd year and of course J inherited it and its expenses. One day, my brother's dad just decided not to put him back on a plane for Albany when he was over for a visit. He was in cahoots with the judge on the case, paying him off. This was in 1986. The longshot of it was, not only did my mother lose the custody battle due to apack of lies and bribery, I haven't seen my bother at all since he was 8 yrs old. He's 28 now. He simply vanished fromm my life. We were SO close. No pics, nothing,. I have tried to find him but he has disowned us, it seems. It took my mother to goet over this--it was like he was dead.
Anyway, just after this, the expenses of the court case cuased them to declare bankrupcy. He began drinking, and beating my mother. He even injured her when she was pregnant with C. C was born almost 2 months early and to this day I'm sure it was b/c J kicked Mom in the stomach right before then. Why didn't she leave him? I have no idea. She needed man around I guess. (I t should also be said that I'd been a U2 fan for 5 yrs by this time and the music was the only thing that got me through.)
The bitterness of the custody battle took its toll. Their marriage was not a marriage. They may have live dunder the same roof but it was like sharing a hotel room. He had his own finances, his own life. He paid the mortgage and a few small bills but that was it. I already mentioned the drinking. No love, no affection. I should say that all that happneed, and the loss of her son, made my mother more bitter than I could bear.
Last fall, Mom announced she was taking an early retirement to help take care of Grandma. She was a teacher. So she is getting a generous retirement package. She delighted in talking about this with me. It was almost like getitng back at him for al the drunken behavior. 3 yrs ago C was diagnosed bipolar--it came from his family, def not from ours. She has the proper meds and is nowleading a normal life--working, going to a 2 yr college, has many friends, and was working on her drivers license, which she does not have yet. Now, this.
Monday, when Mom talked to me on the phone, she sounded like a dead woman. She is 60. We have a youngness gene (I call it the "Larry gene")
in the woemn of my mom's side. When MOm was 40 she looked 27. Now, she is 60, and the past 3 yrs of C's illness have aged her 10 yrs. The past weeks have aged her more than the past 20 yrs. Now, she looks 70, and would look even older if she didn't die her hair. "I guess I can't even rejoice in my retirement." Now that J is under a different rook, he is everything he wasn't at home: sweet, kind and helpful. And never drunk. He hads entioned an apt to me he was "lloking at" back in Feb, but I thought that was for a friend.
The bastard. he was planning this al along..."SO she's going to retire? Well, I show HER! I show her who's retiring." I know him to well. He did this to get back at her--it's NOT marriage problems. He is triyng to make her feel guilty.
But here's the kicker. You'd think I'd be rushing to Mom's side in support. Bit the past week I have avoided the house or even calls. I can't stand being anywhere near her or even hearing her voice. Not only do I want nothing more to do with the man who is technically my 2nd stepfather, (I liked him little enough anyway for the callous way he treated my mother--he didn't beat her anymore but he NEVER gave her money, even when she was in desperate need--she had to borrow from me), I want to avoid her too. C is the only one I want to be around. Not only is it the fact that I can't help feeling a bit of contempt at her for being such a loser in her life (3 failed mariages, and the last one 20 yrs long!) 60 yrs old and with only 1 close friend, no family but my uncle and an aunt dowin 3 hrs away, I can't be close to her.
We were fairly closewhen I was a little kid, of course, but when the custody battle bagan, she used to take her anger out on me by beating me. I KNow there is no way in hell any self-respectng child today would put with what I put with-they'd on the phone to Child Abuse Hotline in a second. Every time J got drunk, he'd beat her, and she'd beat me. I lost pretty much all of my love for after that. I love her, of course; but LIKING her is another thing. And I've never been able to share my deepst feelings etc with her. We've never been close after that. Later, in m,y early 20's I told her I forgave her; but the damage had been done. I have never been able to be close to my mother after that, and am quite happy haivng just a casual relationship with her. We talk and laugh about music, movies, politics, C and her friends, and the genral events of my life and hers. But no deep feelings or secrets. And I;m quite happy with this state of affairs. And feel no guilt over it. I hate to sayit, but when I had to ask her for that money, I couldn't help feeling satidfaction. This was a bit of revenge.
Tje other reason is, I found the Lord when I was a teen. God led me to Him through U2. I am convinced of that. She was botter at God and hadn;'t set foot in church for years. The only reason I was baptized in the Armenian church and got an eduction was bec it owuld look good in court during the custody battle, and my uncle had to talk her into it. Bit one day, when I had the nerve to suggest toher there were angels, (I didn't even mention Jesus!) she beat me so badly I limped for 2 days. Being the meek little rabbit I was, and firghtened of her, I tolf nobdoy.
Sp that's why I can't be close to her. I can't comfort her. What can I say? What should I do? Should she take this lying down? And what should I tell C?
Yesterday, by pure chance, I ran into her and C in the grocery store. She snapped, "Don't ask me about my life. You never share your grief and feelings with me, so why should I go to you for comfort?" And while my heart w2as breaking for her, I had to asmit she was right. And I didn't want to be an crying bag for this loser. AGAIN. I tried to be nice when I was 15 and got abused literally for it. I hugged C, and C siad to me (rem we;'re very close), "I have to talk to T for a second." Mom:"What, you're going to talk aobut me behind me back?" and she glared at me. Sjhe walked away. C told me that Mom said she wanted t die, she was feeling sick in her chest, she wanted advice. I told her some sweet lies. "Be god to her, tel her you love her, she needs positive thoughts. I;ve been through this before and she won;t die. It;s reaction to shock." I reasured her.
But i"m torn. If I can't talk to C, and discuss my feelings aobut htis crisis with er, am I going to let MOm drive a wedge between us? and I AM worried aobut mOM.
Couseling is out of the question. For mom and me anyway. I am quite happy not haivng her "loser" vibes around me. And she willnever be a Christian. I know that. I've tried.
How should she react to J leaving out of the blue? What can I do to salavge the relationship with my family, susch as it is? There are no "third parties" here to intermediate. Not even a lawyer.
Plese pray for us, and give me advice.
I wish I could help too. I can't imagine how difficult this is to cope with. Keep C close to you though, half sister or not, she is family and someone who loves you. I hope someone can give advice to help you in some way. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Maybe someone at church? 
