U2Girl1978
Blue Crack Addict
True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Sherry Darling said:It's a choice. It's ACTION.
Irvine511 said:
it would crush me, though, to lose him.
Sherry Darling said:Thanks for you kind words, Irvine. Best of luck. Life is choices, and they all involve loss and gain. One of my favorite song writers, Springsteen, said that in some interview. He went on to say something else I've remembered ever since: if our choices involved no loss, they would have no meaning.
Rev. Springsteen
Irvine511 said:
i think this is the insight i've been looking for. it's decidedly non-icky, and something quantifiable.
at this point, i don't yet feel as if i'm at a point where i'd put his needs before mine, or i'd build my life around him (thank you, Miss Nicks), or that i wouldn't leave him if, say, i were to get a smashing new job in another city.
it would crush me, though, to lose him.
and, perhaps with more time and shared experiences, the relationship will deepen into one of the love that is action.
though it seems as if the emotional groundwork is there.
and that's terrifying, and exhilerating. all in the same breath.
Well said. But, dont you think that really small number of people knows that?Or to be more precise...can think/feel on that level?I think most of the people have this sugar-honey vision of love and they dont even think that includes unselfisness. It all about their needs! Other half are emotional creeps.They think that giving is about taking away from themselves. At least, that are my experiences with men and some of my friends also.I am just trying to say: unselfishness is very high level of thinking in my opinion. Also the thought:Love is action....and not in the sense i would do ANYTHING because i am blinded by emotions. But more like decision. I am the last person who wants to be cynical, but as someone said: romantic in me is on vacation.Brilliant!nbcrusader said:Love goes beyond the emotion to the conscious choice to put their needs ahead of your own.
joyfulgirl said:I don't agree that love means the conscious choice of putting another's needs before your own. That sounds more like codependency to me. I do think that when we love someone unconditionally that we often put another's needs before our own quite naturally but it is not healthy to do that to the extent that our own real needs become ignored. I suppose it depends on what those "needs" are. Certainly a parent puts the real needs of a child ahead of their own when we're talking about not buying a new suit or something because they're saving for their child's tuition and things like that. But to ignore your own larger needs isn't good. Or to use the airline analogy, you put your own oxygen mask on first and then you can take care of another.
girlhappy said:
And it is not always easy to do that. That is why i think concious choice is needed. Sometimes. And sometimes it all comes naturally. I am usually up for whatever it takes ...to help someone i love. Maybe i should put my own oxygen mask on first
joyfulgirl said:
Of course there are times when the conscious choice has to be made to put another's needs ahead of yours and it's very often the right thing to do, but there has to be a healthy balance. By consciously choosing to put your own needs first in certain situations I don't think necessarily means that you don't love the other person. It just depends on the situation. But in general I don't understand how you can meet another's needs when your own haven't been met, especially if those needs are emotional, for example. A person who isn't whole themselves can't make someone else whole, you know (maybe not a great example since who among us is truly whole anyway)? But if your own needs have been met doesn't it seem you then have more to give? And then on the other hand sometimes making a sacrifice and just giving with no thought of receiving just because it makes you so happy to do so can be really fulfilling in itself. Certainly a healthy love relationship requires certain sacrifices from both people. The more I talk it about it the more I confuse myself. Love seems so simple sometimes and yet so complicated at other times.
girlhappy said:I think this forum wouldnt be the same without Windmille
martha said:Putting your loved one's needs ahead of your own can be both a conscious and an unconscious thing; it really depends on what the needs are at that moment, doesn't it?
Don't overanalyze it. Everyday life with the one you love isn't full of give and take analysis; the give and take happens naturally. Big decisions that may require sacrifice need loving discussion, where each one considers his or her needs in light of what the other needs. It's never a ledger where accounts are kept. True love doesn't keep books. It balances on its own.
If books are kept and accounts compared, then it's not love. It's a competition and it won't work.
Congratualtions, Irvine. I'm a big fan of love.
joyfulgirl said:But in general I don't understand how you can meet another's needs when your own haven't been met, especially if those needs are emotional, for example. A person who isn't whole themselves can't make someone else whole, you know (maybe not a great example since who among us is truly whole anyway)?
Windmilllane said:When you are in love, you "make love" when having sex. That means slow, romantic love-making, the kind you see on soap operas.
But if find yourself fucking your partner porno-style (hot oral sex, doggy-style, ect.), chances are you're not in love. You're just horny and infatuated.
Irvine511 said:i'm trying to be zen about it, but i HATE not having total mastery of my thoughts and emotions and feeling vulnerable.