How could a 'friend' be so cruel?

[cobl04]

I'm 15 and in Year 9 and have got a very eccentric mate. He is Greek and in Year 7 he was very quiet but in Year 8 he developed an alter ego. The problem is, his alter ego, while at times absolutely hilarious, can be very, very hurtful and insulting. It didn't bug me that mcuh until we did a science assignment earlier in the year on a man named 'Wayne Williams'.

For those not familiar with him, he was from Atlanta, he was black and he raped over 20 young black males, age ranging from under 10 to pre-adult.

My 'friend' came to school one morning and out of the blue decided to call me 'Wayne Williams' for no good reason. He has been doing it for a term and a half, and it has really depressed me at times.

I do not have a strong character, in fact I'm pretty quiet, so I guess it's like survival of the fittest - the weakest gets eliminated, or in my case, picked on.

I did not do anything to deserve being called 'Wayne Williams'. I have employed the help of my parents and even my counsellor, but after a few quiet patches, it comes back again. I have tried to come up with something to say back, but because whatever he does gets all the laughs from my 'mates' it has near to no effect. I am also a person who does not like confrontation so it's hard for me.

The thing I find weird however is that he only shows this behaviour while in a group. When it's just me and him, he is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet, and you can have a good conversation with him. He accuses others of becoming quiet when on their own, but he doesn't realise he is the same.

Sorry to babble on and on and on (this is probably my longest or second longest post ever on Interference) but this has become a major problem for me and is affecting my happiness. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do (having had life experience)?

Any help greatly appreciated.

 

[karls77]

I seem to recall being in a similar situation to yours but I wasn't as affected by it as you seem to be. In the end I just started responding immediately, calling this guy the exact same thing he had called just me. I tried to look like it wasn't affecting me and just turned everything he was saying to me right back at him. After a while he realised that it was having no effect, got bored and stopped.

Conversely, at a later stage a mate and I were calling another mate something stupid for a period of time till one day he kinda blew up at us, told us to fuck off and to stop calling him that name. At that point we realised that we were actually really pissing him off and stopped saying it.

So I guess different approaches work in different situations. I guess it depends on if your "mate" is really a mate. If so, then he should stop it if you make him realise how much you hate it. If he doesn't stop, then you might think of not hanging out with him so much.

 

[Bonochick]

Have you actually come right out and told your friend how much he is hurting you? He might not even realize it.

For example...

My friends and I always did (and still do!!!!) light teasing and jabs at each other, all in good fun. Well...I used to call one of my friends by a particular name, and I thought nothing of it...that it was all still just in jest. One day, that friend took me aside and told me that it really hurt her feelings when I called her that. I had absolutely no idea that it hurt her, and I felt horrible. I hadn't meant any harm at all. I wish she would have just said something to me sooner.

 

[youtooellen]

I used to have a friend like that.
but I blew up on her one day when she kept calling me a name in particular around our friends.

after that (no apologies to be honest cause I was pretty angry after keeping it in for a year ) she became more mellow and less-teasy towards me. of course we joked around and stuff like friends do, but she avoided calling me that name.

[BSo I guess different approaches work in different situations. [/B]

I agree. maybe rather than answering to him with comebacks, you could let your frustration out. not by violence of course, but I mean as in letting him know how you honestly feel about it.

if you see him one on one and talk to him, why don't you bring it up and tell him to stop?

 

[cobl04]

if you see him one on one and talk to him, why don't you bring it up and tell him to stop?

I told my counsellor I was going to ride it out, see if he eventually stopped (because I hate confrontation that much) but it could be getting to the point where maybe I have too. I just find it hard because I'm not the kind of person who saying stuff like that comes easy too. He bagged another friend of mine once, and he went up to him and asked him why he did it. I just thought, how come he finds it so easy and I don't?

You wouldn't believe how hard it is to say 4 words - can you please stop.

 

[blueeyedgirl]

I would suggest the fact you told your parents and your counsellor shows you're not quiet or weak, you do have strength of character.

Remembering what life in an Aussie high school was like, I would say that generally in Years 8 and 9, boys go through some "moron brain" stage and are utterly stupid. They generally get through it by Year 10. Wogs, skips, don't matter. (And girls too!)

It's hard not to let it affect you but if you can avoid showing it to him, if you can concentrate on the stuff you love (U2 etc) and doing well at school, then in the end you will have the greater victory by being an intelligent, well rounded person.

 

[gareth brown]

he's just doing it to look good in front of your friends, I'm guessing. If he doesn't do it when he's with you alone, then it's obviously just him finding a target to elevate himself in front of his peers. Everyone does it at some point.

you could either, flat out, go to the very extreme, employ shock tactics and call him a stupid cunt before telling him to fuck off, but that's evidently not the right thing to do and I'm probably looking at a ban for suggesting it, OR you could perhaps write a letter, email, talk to him over MSN if writing it down makes it easier and you don't want to do it face to face.

 

[youtooellen]

You wouldn't believe how hard it is to say 4 words - can you please stop.

it is difficult.
I know what you mean though.
I have trouble apologizing (as childish as that sounds)
I'm just naturally stubborn so it's hard for me
Three somewhat words - 'I am sorry'
--
but rather than blowing up I guess, you could also ease it into the conversation in a way.
for example, if you and this person are talking with each other, with no one around, just gradually mention the likes of him teasing you. you can always see his reaction to it too.

 

[For Honor]

I guess I shouldn't say anything about this sort of thing. I'd probably do too much


When it comes to self respect, you can't ever expect anyone to look out for you. It's mostly between you and yourself, in some ways. But this will be good for you -

it's important to learn how to hold your own in life....