Help Me Win Back My Ex-GF

[martha]

So, BEB and hiphop, still single are we?

Ever wonder why?

 

[pax]

I still say skip her.

BrownEyedBoy, that was a pretty harsh post.. but kinda to the point.

Anitram, women will not agree with BrownEyedBoy, thats clear (never ever, and why should they openly agree?). But I have met more than one girl (and not only dumb ones) that will think and act like he said.

If a man is very nice to girls all the time, they will think he´s a bootlicker; and sooner or later they will take advantage of it. If a man just shows his interest - this has nothing to do with macho, he can be friendly and nice - just shows his interest, nods approvingly, and for the rest of the day hides behind his newspaper and pipe when coming home from job, most women will be very pleased with that. After all, he´s still "just" a man - he needs to be seduced. He still remains a little of a mystery (like women completely do for most of the men), and the woman might try to make him more enthusiastic. Means she will actually do something practical for the relation (if she loves him) to please him. If he comes home late from time to time (not always), she´ll ask herself why. If he´s always on time and gets her roses everyday, she´ll soon be found with her gals drinking beer complaining how fucking predictable he is, also in bed.

Now, if he falls down on his knees every day saying "wow I´m so thankful to have you in my life, you don´t know how much you mean to me" (what one also could do) etc., women will be less attracted. If he inquires all and everything everyday about her work, she will feel he doesn´t give her enough space, she´ll feel investigated. If he calls her everyday, its gonna put on her nerves sometime, and if it doesn´t, she knows what to expect every day anyway, so it´s not a big deal.

See the examples? I think thats what BrownEyedBoy means.

And don´t you want a confident man who is sure of himself?

So many stereotypes in one post...wherever shall I start?

Who says a man who faithfully stays in touch with his girlfriend and shows his concern on a daily basis is somehow insecure or not as confident?



Most women would prefer a man who's a bit more honest and passionate, thank you very much.

 

[WildHoneyAlways]

Hiphop: you cannot be serious.

...just shows his interest, nods approvingly, and for the rest of the day hides behind his newspaper and pipe when coming home from job, most women will be very pleased with that.

Are you living in the 1950's? Should the girl be wearing an apron, pearls, heals and have dinner ready when he comes home b/c God forbid she should have a job and not enjoy being ignored?!?

FYI: Most women will not be pleased with this archaic way of thinking.

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

So, BEB and hiphop, still single are we?

Ever wonder why?

Actually I have had a girlfriend until about 25 days ago.

What I am trying to explain to you is that women can be very ungrateful - particularly the good looking ones.

A guy who gives them everything they want is less of a challenge. Ever gotten something for free? How long did you enjoy it? Ever worked your but off to get something, how long did you enjoy that?

How many "nice" guys have been abandoned for a piece of crap jerk who treated women badly? Ask around, you'll see, I myself am included in that list.

I am not telling you to humilliate a girl or to hurt her or hit her. I'm just telling you to play a little hard-to-get. Act like she's the one who's suppossed to measure up to you.

Many girls will say that they just want a nice guy who "treats them right". Then how come I see so many "nice guys'' all alone without a girl? How come all the jerks "get them"?

Now, please don't think that I'm jaded in any way. I'm having the time of my life now that I'm single. It's just that that's the way things are.

I am a nice guy in nature. I love romance and stuff like that and yeah every now and then flowers are sweet and welcome but do it everyday and see how the smile on her face every day will be less and less special.

So, basically, try to be cool and confident. DO NOT act needy or clingy, that just smothers girls and they run away from that like the plague. Act nonchalant but give a little bit of interest. Act busy, act like you can have any girl you want. That's the way it is. Fake it 'till you make it.

So, please, don't try to tell me that women are attracted to "nice guys" who wouldn't hurt a fly. At least not if they aren't ready to get married.

And yes, I was once one of those "nice guys" who got left behind for a jerk who wasn't even as good looking as me. So I learned all this the hard way.

Again, best of luck winning her back but my advice to you would be, move on and don't be too available for the next girl.

EDIT: I'm not saying don't give a girl what she wants. I actually love doing everything for my girlfriend. I'm so romantic it's embarrassing. That's how my girlfriend and I just lasted almost two years. Because I like working things out and taking care and not hurting the one you love. So don't get confused.

 

[the soul waits]

Actually I have had a girlfriend until about 25 days ago.

What I am trying to explain to you is that women can be very ungrateful - particularly the good looking ones.

A guy who gives them everything they want is less of a challenge. Ever gotten something for free? How long did you enjoy it? Ever worked your but off to get something, how long did you enjoy that?

How many "nice" guys have been abandoned for a piece of crap jerk who treated women badly? Ask around, you'll see, I myself am included in that list.

I am not telling you to humilliate a girl or to hurt her or hit her. I'm just telling you to play a little hard-to-get. Act like she's the one who's suppossed to measure up to you.

Many girls will say that they just want a nice guy who "treats them right". Then how come I see so many "nice guys'' all alone without a girl? How come all the jerks "get them"?

Now, please don't think that I'm jaded in any way. I'm having the time of my life now that I'm single. It's just that that's the way things are.

I am a nice guy in nature. I love romance and stuff like that and yeah every now and then flowers are sweet and welcome but do it everyday and see how the smile on her face every day will be less and less special.

So, basically, try to be cool and confident. DO NOT act needy or clingy, that just smothers girls and they run away from that like the plague. Act nonchalant but give a little bit of interest. Act busy, act like you can have any girl you want. That's the way it is. Fake it 'till you make it.

So, please, don't try to tell me that women are attracted to "nice guys" who wouldn't hurt a fly. At least not if they aren't ready to get married.

And yes, I was once one of those "nice guys" who got left behind for a jerk who wasn't even as good looking as me. So I learned all this the hard way.

Again, best of luck winning her back but my advice to you would be, move on and don't be too available for the next girl.

EDIT: I'm not saying don't give a girl what she wants. I actually love doing everything for my girlfriend. I'm so romantic it's embarrassing. That's how my girlfriend and I just lasted almost two years. Because I like working things out and taking care and not hurting the one you love. So don't get confused.

A few thoughts that cross my mind reading your post:

* " guy who gives them everything they want is less of a challenge. Ever gotten something for free? How long did you enjoy it? Ever worked your but off to get something, how long did you enjoy that?"

: The thing is : a girl, a boy or a relationship aren't things you "get". It's not an achievement or a prize you win after working hard. A relationship is a collaboration between two people, as I'm sure you know coming out of a 2-year relationship. I simply do not see the point in playing hard to get when you're interested and you feel that the other party is interested as well. Imagine if you were both playing games, acting cool and absent - nothing would come of it, ever, would it?

* "How many "nice" guys have been abandoned for a piece of crap jerk who treated women badly?"
: This holds true the other way around as well, but still doesn't justify acting like a jerk.

*" basically, try to be cool and confident. DO NOT act needy or clingy,"
: I agree. Again, this goes both ways. Needy and clingy is not attractive. It isn't either in friendships, so of course it's not attractive in dating.

* "And yes, I was once one of those "nice guys" who got left behind for a jerk who wasn't even as good looking as me. So I learned all this the hard way."
: Hmm, I don't think looks have got anything to do with a longterm-relationship at all, frankly. I'm sorry you lost your girlfriend, but we don't know the story behind it. I find it a little hard to believe that she left you for an uglier, jerk of a guy just because you were too nice to her. There probably is more to it than that, after 2 years.

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

No, no, that was previous "girlfriend" before the one I spent 2 years with. She and I separated because we were fighting way too much. We both have changed a lot since I started college and since she has become busier with her senior year.

 

[U2@NYC]

that's exactly what it hink is her problem. her parents were divorced when she was three, and i know she had a really really rough time when she was growing up in dealing with her folks (i actually asked her about this during the same phone conversation in which she told me we shouldn't go out anymore, and she started crying). i feel really bad for her and i dont think she's doing what she's doing to be mean -- i think she subconciously looks for chaos, because that's what she grew up with. And, NYC, i also have that feeling of 'hope' whenever i see her, even though i know i shouldn't. i guess i am in a tough spot.

Yep, this was similar to my case indeed. In this particular case, this girl had been dumped by her boyfriend one month before her wedding... and she had obviously been scathed by that. She was obviously attracted to me but did not want to jump into any relationship for fear of being dumped again, but still could not let go. One thing I tried to make her understand was that I was not like the previous guy and that all men are not alike, but, given how bad and extreme her previous experience had been, she 'filtered' my sayings through her own mind.

It got very awkward to the point that I stopped feeling comfortable and had to measure my words in front of her for fear of her reacting on me or anything. Because too much had already been put on the table at that point, and that had been a mistake. I think that it was then that I realized that it was time to let her go for good. I later found out that she got married and now seems to be pretty happy so it seems to me that she was able to finally let go.

What has me curious is whether she somehow has a feeling of resentment against me or something... and whether it would still feel awkward if I run into her again.

In any event, I think that in your case, you are doing the right thing. Leave her a little loose and, if she has feelings for you, you will get her closer and she will, hopefully, resolve her doubts. I think your 'dumb' date is a great, great idea. Take her for an ice cream for two hours or so and try to avoid talking about anything deep that involves each other's feelings. Talk about the weather, your goals, the next vacation, etc. Sound as confident and secure as you can. At the very end of the date, give her a sweet kiss on her cheek and say goodbye. Always, and I cannot emphasize this enough, be a gentleman but do not cross the line. Do not make plans for a new date or anything or say that you will call her. Make her think of what you could be as a boyfriend. If she has feelings, she will call you back and you can take it a little further next time.

If you now jump all over her and declare her your love, with the way she seems to be, she will likely back off. Do not make the same mistake I did.

Good luck!

 

[U2@NYC]

* " guy who gives them everything they want is less of a challenge. Ever gotten something for free? How long did you enjoy it? Ever worked your but off to get something, how long did you enjoy that?"

: The thing is : a girl, a boy or a relationship aren't things you "get". It's not an achievement or a prize you win after working hard. A relationship is a collaboration between two people, as I'm sure you know coming out of a 2-year relationship. I simply do not see the point in playing hard to get when you're interested and you feel that the other party is interested as well. Imagine if you were both playing games, acting cool and absent - nothing would come of it, ever, would it?

This argument works if both people are immediately secure of their attraction to each other. In some cases, like the one I described above, one of the two is coming out of a bad relationship or still needs time to firm up his/her feelings. I do not think that you should play a game but it is sometimes hard to declare your love to the other party at this point... this may back him/her off. You could have waited a little longer, with much much better results.

 

[the soul waits]

This argument works if both people are immediately secure of their attraction to each other. In some cases, like the one I described above, one of the two is coming out of a bad relationship or still needs time to firm up his/her feelings. I do not think that you should play a game but it is sometimes hard to declare your love to the other party at this point... this may back him/her off. You could have waited a little longer, with much much better results.

In that case, I agree, you should take it slow or better yet, not do anything at all-if the girl clearly states that she's not ready for whatever reason.

That's totally not what BEB and HipHop were talking about though, they clearly said that eloof jerks have more success with women and that women get bored of thoughtfull men.

Totally different situation.

 

[discothequeLP]

. . . but how much is too much? i mean, don't you have to give in a little bit, in order for her to still be interested? for ex., in my case (what a fitting example), i haven't talked to her for a week and a half, and she left that message on my phone on saturday. if i dont talk to her for another week, will she still be interested? but if i call her today will that be too much?



i guess i could hold out for a long time and she'd still be interested, but that's what always fucks me up. i dont want them to totally lose it.

 

[U2@NYC]

. . . but how much is too much? i mean, don't you have to give in a little bit, in order for her to still be interested? for ex., in my case (what a fitting example), i haven't talked to her for a week and a half, and she left that message on my phone on saturday. if i dont talk to her for another week, will she still be interested? but if i call her today will that be too much?



i guess i could hold out for a long time and she'd still be interested, but that's what always fucks me up. i dont want them to totally lose it.

As I said, call her up and ask to meet on a 'dumb' date (i.e., ice cream for a couple of hours)... no romantic movie, no candlelight dinner, nothing like that (make it as casual as possible). There, if you feel like it, follow my advice of my above post:

"Take her for an ice cream for two hours or so and try to avoid talking about anything deep that involves each other's feelings. Talk about the weather, your goals, the next vacation, etc. Sound as confident and secure as you can. At the very end of the date, give her a sweet kiss on her cheek and say goodbye. Always, and I cannot emphasize this enough, be a gentleman but do not cross the line. Do not make plans for a new date or anything or say that you will call her. Make her think of what you could be as a boyfriend. If she has feelings, she will call you back and you can take it a little further next time.

If you now jump all over her and declare her your love, with the way she seems to be, she will likely back off. Do not make the same mistake I did".

Good luck!

 

[hiphop]

So many stereotypes in one post...wherever shall I start?

Who says a man who faithfully stays in touch with his girlfriend and shows his concern on a daily basis is somehow insecure or not as confident?



Most women would prefer a man who's a bit more honest and passionate, thank you very much.

yes yes i was exaggeratin a little
sure im not saying one cant show your concern on a daily basis.. don´t see it that extreme..
dunno what you mean with honesty


*hides behind newspaper*

 

[hiphop]

Hiphop: you cannot be serious.





Are you living in the 1950's? Should the girl be wearing an apron, pearls, heals and have dinner ready when he comes home b/c God forbid she should have a job and not enjoy being ignored?!?

FYI: Most women will not be pleased with this archaic way of thinking.

Hey yo, easy on me girl.

I didnt mention pearls heals dinner and if she has a job
same can apply when he doesn´t have a job and she goes to work

Dunno what you mean with archaic.

As to explain I was referring to examples of how people deal with each other in relships on a daily basis.

 

[hiphop]

So, BEB and hiphop, still single are we?

Ever wonder why?

It is my personal experience that things have changed. You will laugh, but sometimes I feel -with my 31 years- that a newer younger generation -at least here in Europe, and the alternative club/ artist/ intellectual circles where I´m involved- gives a fuck about being passionate. Postmodernism doesnt frankly give a fuck about anything, its all interchangable, girls kiss girls for fun and pose with playboybunny tshirts, its more about beauty than, say a decade ago,..

Somehow, they are without illusions.. or I don´t know maybe not so many dreams.. most negate a serious relship from the start - you know where you are together for 2 months and then you move in together and see from there - people are very independent, everyone wants to do his own thing - and can you blame them for this, nope,

so yeah, you wonder why.

It seems something serious is not something I as a man should chase for, know what I mean? Why chase after someone? Everything goes its very own way, sometimes its beautiful, sometimes not. Indeed, I am a vry spontaneous person. See it this way.. I am the man who can give a girl everything, but some girls don´t want that, they do feel offended by someone runnin after them. And can you blame anyone, nope

so yeah, you wonder why.

 

[anitram]

And yes, I was once one of those "nice guys" who got left behind for a jerk who wasn't even as good looking as me. So I learned all this the hard way.

I'm going to make a comment that may or may not relate to you, but I'm speaking from personal experience. Sometimes these self-professed "nice" guys are indeed really nice except they also seem to be under the impression that "nice" is a personality and enough to get them the girl. Well sorry to tell you, but it isn't.

I broke off a 3 year long friendship because of this when the guy started to assume that since he was SUCH a nice guy to me (he very much was), that alone guaranteed him a relationship regardless of any other factors, like you know, attraction.

 

[martha]

It is my personal experience that things have changed. You will laugh, but sometimes I feel -with my 31 years- that a newer younger generation -at least here in Europe, and the alternative club/ artist/ intellectual circles where I´m involved- gives a fuck about being passionate. Postmodernism doesnt frankly give a fuck about anything, its all interchangable, girls kiss girls for fun and pose with playboybunny tshirts, its more about beauty than, say a decade ago,.

Sounds like you're trying to date women who are too young for you.

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

Sounds like you're already married and not having to cope with all the issues surrounding dating...

 

[starsgoblue]

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

This is a "discussion" board right?

 

[For Honor]

Skip her. She´ll never be completely yours if she wasn´t from the start. She´s playing around and hurts your feelings. She enjoys being adored, that´s why she keeps sending you msgs. Probably she neither loves you nor her b/f truly.

Imo you should have been more careful in the first place because with exes of your friends its always.. a conflict of interests. Indeed, a psychologist would tell you it´s a triangle story (three persons involved, not two) and that some people are not aware of that, however they always fall into the same kind of triangle-relations.

Just skip her, nice and easy. Next.

 

[starsgoblue]

This is a "discussion" board right?

I just wanted to use the smiley.

 

[For Honor]

Look, LP, or whoever the author of this thread is....


My advice for you: (now, ladies, don't take this as a sexist comment or anything)

Put on your man-pants, meet up with the girl face to face, and ask her what's going on. Ask her exactly what you want to know, and find out. If she doesn't tell you, or has a vague answer, then let her know how to contact you (which it seems like she already does).

Demand to know what she expacts from a relationship from you, and if applicaple, state your expectations of a relationship with her.



After that, just back off. Put the ball in her court and be done with it. There seems to be a lot of "Hitch" references, so take this into consideration - You can only go 90% of the way, but she has to kiss you. Women have to make their move. Put her on the spot, and cut the games.

That's what I would do. I despise games and lingering. Otherwise, all you are really doing is wasting time and energy. Yeah, you can come up with rationale for why this or that happened in the past, but only concernyourself with the present, and the immediate future. If she is a keeper, wouldn't you want to find out now? If she will leave you anyways, why continue wasting your time?

Too lazy to find the song. Here are lyrics to The Clash's "SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO"



-------------------------

Oh, and tell me her and your own date of birth, why don't you. Just a little thing I've picked up over the years...

 

[For Honor]

Basically, if she doesn't what you've got, then there is no reason to win her back. Different people need different things, and maybe your not right for her. But if that's the case, then she's not right for you, so just understand that.

 

[hiphop]

Sounds like you're trying to date women who are too young for you.

You might be quite right with that. I´m starting to think that no one under 25 fits me. 18 or 19 yr old girls are nice and sexy and all, but most of them dont have the faintest idea what they really want regarding career/ men. Oh but now I have 2b careful because isn´t that a stereotype.

But also if we dont count the age factor in.. I truly havent met many girls who want like marriage or children (Im not so sure of that myself, I just fancy the idea sometimes). Blame it on the society I´m moving in. Im just not the person who visits a fitness center where everyone is so fresh clean and healthy or who visits a church tea on sunday where one could expect to find a decent woman. I know very well its partly my own fault because

a) I have very high expectations; if she´s not intelligent enough it gets boring quickly; if she´s too pseudo intelligent always talking about the latest avantgarde film critisized by a few liberal losers, it gets boring too - I think I would just like to look into a woman´s eyes without needing words, know what I mean, when you just move on the same level. When you only say important things. When you do what you feel is right at the time; sensibility. The problem is, most of the times this will be coupled with a hippie lifestyle that doesnt allow you to fix a time for a date next week

b) I like amazone women; I am easily seduced and I also like to play

so I don´t know, why not just blame it on myself, fuck that.

I rather stay by myself than being critisized of being archaic, dishonest or impassionate on the one side, and bootlicking on the other, when thats simply not true but just a wishy washy analysis of people who barely know me.

 

[hiphop]

I'm going to make a comment that may or may not relate to you, but I'm speaking from personal experience. Sometimes these self-professed "nice" guys are indeed really nice except they also seem to be under the impression that "nice" is a personality and enough to get them the girl. Well sorry to tell you, but it isn't.

I broke off a 3 year long friendship because of this when the guy started to assume that since he was SUCH a nice guy to me (he very much was), that alone guaranteed him a relationship regardless of any other factors, like you know, attraction.

yeah you see, being nice doesn´t mean that you´re attractive

if you had the choice between
a) a man who is nice and always elevates you into 7th heaven with his compliments, but he is smaller than you, not fat but he´s not really attractive and
b) a man who treats women like cherries he eats from a tree, isn´t an asshole but not overly nice, and say he´s got the look, 6 feet plus, nice body etc.

who would you decide for, if you had to decide (both and none of the two doesn´t count)

 

[For Honor]

someone's sig said it best;

"don't let the bastards grind you down"




edit] I have sort of high standards, too. Perhaps I am more "high maintenence man"? Regardless, though I fully acknowledge compromising in relationships, and that there are no real perfect matches, I still look for a lot in a woman. I think any two people can fall in love, if they want to. But still, I know what I'm looking for.

 

[For Honor]

I understand what anitram was saying, though. There is more to it than being "nice". It's like "see, look what I do for you", but it is used as ...as an excuse almost. I have seen that, and then the doormat syndrom, too, among other versions of inappropriate nice-ness


-----------

and hiphop, I think you should clarify - - what are they choosing this guy for? A one night stand? or something else

 

[the soul waits]

You might be quite right with that. I´m starting to think that no one under 25 fits me. 18 or 19 yr old girls are nice and sexy and all, but most of them dont have the faintest idea what they really want regarding career/ men. Oh but now I have 2b careful because isn´t that a stereotype.

But also if we dont count the age factor in.. I truly havent met many girls who want like marriage or children (Im not so sure of that myself, I just fancy the idea sometimes). Blame it on the society I´m moving in. Im just not the person who visits a fitness center where everyone is so fresh clean and healthy or who visits a church tea on sunday where one could expect to find a decent woman. I know very well its partly my own fault because

a) I have very high expectations; if she´s not intelligent enough it gets boring quickly; if she´s too pseudo intelligent always talking about the latest avantgarde film critisized by a few liberal losers, it gets boring too - I think I would just like to look into a woman´s eyes without needing words, know what I mean, when you just move on the same level. When you only say important things. When you do what you feel is right at the time; sensibility. The problem is, most of the times this will be coupled with a hippie lifestyle that doesnt allow you to fix a time for a date next week

b) I like amazone women; I am easily seduced and I also like to play

so I don´t know, why not just blame it on myself, fuck that.

I rather stay by myself than being critisized of being archaic, dishonest or impassionate on the one side, and bootlicking on the other, when thats simply not true but just a wishy washy analysis of people who barely know me.

Yes, I think it would be safe to say that 18-19 year old girls are too young for you, being 31 years old.
How can you expect girls that age to fully be aware of what they want in a man/relationship? Hell, I'm 32 and it doesn't get any easier. I do know that I have a hell of a clearer picture now than I did back then.

You need to date a woman, not a girl.

 

[hiphop]

I understand what anitram was saying, though. There is more to it than being "nice". It's like "see, look what I do for you", but it is used as ...as an excuse almost. I have seen that, and then the doormat syndrom, too, among other versions of inappropriate nice-ness


-----------

and hiphop, I think you should clarify - - what are they choosing this guy for? A one night stand? or something else

yeah so you see, it will not only depend on the kind of niceness one gives to someone but also on how it is accepted; depending on the mood the woman is in.

as to clarification: not ONS. may turn out like that, but before you never know. i rather meant someone who you could have a longer relation with.

 

[hiphop]

Yes, I think it would be safe to say that 18-19 year old girls are too young for you, being 31 years old.
How can you expect girls that age to fully be aware of what they want in a man/relationship? Hell, I'm 32 and it doesn't get any easier. I do know that I have a hell of a clearer picture now than I did back then.

You need to date a woman, not a girl.

basically yeah youre right

if that woman is energized enough to do stupid funny things, jump up into the air because she´s happy, drive through the supermarket on the trolley, if she´s a woman who can also be like a kid, who gets excited about flowers and bees, and loves to dance and go out, and needs sex everyday, also is a lady, plus travels the seven seas, that´s what I would like