Girl advice urgently needed

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Tuvok

The Fly
Joined
Jul 31, 2005
Messages
34
Location
UK
Hey guys.

Not a ground breaking problem, but a problem nonetheless.

"There's this girl"
Met her a few months ago. She's on my course. Totally crazy about her. I literally can't stop thinking about her. It was tricky at first, because there a lot of people on my course so I didnt really see her at all. But gradually I managed to see her more, got to know her friends and tried to build up the situation. I'm now pretty well ingratiated into her group. I've texted her a fair bit (not in a stalkerish way!), and we see eachother quite a lot now, but theres always other people around. as a result i havent had a great deal of chance to talk to her personally one on one. Take tonight for example. She and her mate come round to watch a dvd with me and my flatmates. Now I try throwing in a few quips now and then, and try to direct whatever i say to her. But its impossible with so many people around! And it feels like a kick in the nuts when she leaves, because I feel like its another opportunity wasted.

Now she's having a party on Friday (whether or not its going to be a quiet affair I'm not sure, but there shouldnt be too many folk there). She leaves for the summer the next day. Now sure she'll be back in August, but I'm not sure I can take a whole 8 weeks sitting around being miserable and wondering if she's meeting someone else. Do I tell her how I feel? And if so how?? What should I do???
 
LarryMullen's POPAngel said:
Tell her. What else have you got to lose, especially if she's going to be leaving for the summer soon?

Good luck.
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Agreed. Not that I have much experience in these matters, but DO IT. From an analytical standpoint, if it makes things awkward, she'll have 8 weeks to forget about it, and if it goes well, you'll have 8 weeks of messaging her, calling her, etc.
 
In situations like this, I pretty much always say to go for it. If she feels the same way, that's great, of course...but even if you get rejected, at least you know. I'd rather just know, as opposed to sitting around and wondering what could have been. It's good to know that I at least gave it a shot.
 
Go for it and tell her. Just tell her that you'd like to get to know her better and ask if she'd go out on a date sometime. Be nice and honest, that's what we girls like :wink: I know it's easier said than done, but just think if she meets someone during the summer? You're left with "what if" and "if only". Life's too short, you know. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! :up:
 
Try to find even a quick moment to take her aside and ask her. Like others said, if she says no, at least you tried. For all you know she's waiting for you to ask :shrug: I personally never make the move. If a guy doesn't make one I just assume he isn't interested, but then I often hear that they told my friend that they're interested.. just too shy to approach I guess. Work up the nerve and go for it :yes:
 
Dominance and numbers work, a dominant personality (i.e. asking her out) boosts your chances and repetition means that you improve your skills. Basically you can't loose by asking.
 
Thanks for the advice people! All taken on board. Sadly I bottled it on the night, but I'm not gonna give up just yet!
 
Bad idea, that instinct to develop an emotional attatchment will make you fall for her memory and leave you alone, even if you see her again your going to be so head over heals in love with her you can't bring yourself to make the move.

Unrequited love sucks, avoid it at all costs!
 
NOT doing it was the better thing.

If a guy all of a sudden expresses his interest in a girl at a party the night before she leaves, she's going to think you're just trying to bang her before she takes off. I assume (based on your post) that that's not the case, and that's most definitely NOT what you want her thinking if you're looking for something more.

Your best bet is to let her go, keep in touch regularly (this lets her know you're thinking about her), then ask her out the week she gets back. That way she's got you on the mind while she's away (since you're chatting with her), and you'll be one of the first guys she hangs out with when she's back home and all happy to do so. When a girl is in a good mood, she's more likely to associate you with those good feelings (or more likely to put out, if you go for that sort of thing :wink: ), and thus your chances of success are MUCH higher.

And yes, I agree with A_Wanderer: unrequited love sucks, so make damn sure you do at least SOMETHING about this. No risk, no reward. The worst that's going to happen if you make some kind of move is she says no (which sounds a lot worse now than it actually would be), and you remain friends. The worst that's going to happen if you DON'T do anything is that you get deeper into your feelings for her, but she meets someone else and then you'll end up REALLY brokenhearted and wondering "what if?", as you watch her be happy with someone else. I don't mean to freak you out, but really the point is that if you still feel the same when she gets back, you must do something.

Good luck, big guy. Let us know how it works out. Sounds like you've been putting in work. Girls notice that sort of thing, so you've got a damn good chance of her saying yes. :up:
 
DaveC said:
NOT doing it was the better thing.

If a guy all of a sudden expresses his interest in a girl at a party the night before she leaves, she's going to think you're just trying to bang her before she takes off.
Click to expand...

As a girl, I just have to pipe in and say that this would very much depend on what you say. If you just say, as some suggested,'i'd like to get to know you better, we should hang out sometime..etc', and if it seems genuine, I know my first thought would not be, gosh he's trying to bang me.

As for the rest of Dave's advice, keeping in contact with her and going out when she comes back...thumbs up.

Good luck. :)
 
DaveC said:
NOT doing it was the better thing.

If a guy all of a sudden expresses his interest in a girl at a party the night before she leaves, she's going to think you're just trying to bang her before she takes off. I assume (based on your post) that that's not the case, and that's most definitely NOT what you want her thinking if you're looking for something more.

Your best bet is to let her go, keep in touch regularly (this lets her know you're thinking about her), then ask her out the week she gets back. That way she's got you on the mind while she's away (since you're chatting with her), and you'll be one of the first guys she hangs out with when she's back home and all happy to do so. When a girl is in a good mood, she's more likely to associate you with those good feelings (or more likely to put out, if you go for that sort of thing :wink: ), and thus your chances of success are MUCH higher.

And yes, I agree with A_Wanderer: unrequited love sucks, so make damn sure you do at least SOMETHING about this. No risk, no reward. The worst that's going to happen if you make some kind of move is she says no (which sounds a lot worse now than it actually would be), and you remain friends. The worst that's going to happen if you DON'T do anything is that you get deeper into your feelings for her, but she meets someone else and then you'll end up REALLY brokenhearted and wondering "what if?", as you watch her be happy with someone else. I don't mean to freak you out, but really the point is that if you still feel the same when she gets back, you must do something.

Good luck, big guy. Let us know how it works out. Sounds like you've been putting in work. Girls notice that sort of thing, so you've got a damn good chance of her saying yes. :up:
Click to expand...

Agreed 100%. Girls don't react when you TELL THEM things like that. . They react when you ACT differently towards them. So yeah, keep in touch with her or whatever which is a lot easier nowadays with IM and text messaging. So yeah, good luck.
 
Bloody hell guys. Got the worst news tonight. Was speaking to one of her mates on MSN and it turns out that after the party they had a girly chat and she doesnt feel "that way" about me. This has torn me to shreds. I mean I've been obsessing over her for months. Literally she's been the only thing on my mind, the only goal was to be with her. My work's suffered I havent been eating properly and my mood's been up and down like a yo yo. Maybe I could've accepted all this a little more easily, but I could've sworn I was beginning to get somewhere with her. She was going out of her way to watch movies with us, come out for drinks with us. But now this. I was already feeling pretty lousy because I hadnt spoken to her in over a week, but Im just so wound up now I dont know what to do. I had a plan and everything all carefully laid out for when we all got back to uni. It was the thought of that which was getting me through quite an empty dull summer holiday. What should I do? I'm 21, never been in a relationship and am in love with a girl who doesnt feel the same. I feel completely in limbo here. Should I just abandon everything (how????). Should I take what her mate said with a pinch of salt (granted I was acting a bit weird round the lass on the night of the party and the week before because of nerves and fear). I've got to put up with this for another month and half as well till i get back as well. Should I just confront her about it? I've been at uni for 3 years and no one has affected me like her.
 
i'm sorry to hear that :/
i would talk to her about it though, don't always believe what other people say.
if you like her this much, it's worth doing something about it.
 
I swear this woman has the best advice.......
Carloyn Hax writes for The Washington Post.
Check her out at: http://w w w. washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/linkset/2005/03/24/LI2005032402809.html

(delete spaces)

Good luck to ya!
 
Tuvok said:
Bloody hell guys. Got the worst news tonight. Was speaking to one of her mates on MSN and it turns out that after the party they had a girly chat and she doesnt feel "that way" about me. This has torn me to shreds. I mean I've been obsessing over her for months. Literally she's been the only thing on my mind, the only goal was to be with her. My work's suffered I havent been eating properly and my mood's been up and down like a yo yo. Maybe I could've accepted all this a little more easily, but I could've sworn I was beginning to get somewhere with her. She was going out of her way to watch movies with us, come out for drinks with us. But now this. I was already feeling pretty lousy because I hadnt spoken to her in over a week, but Im just so wound up now I dont know what to do. I had a plan and everything all carefully laid out for when we all got back to uni. It was the thought of that which was getting me through quite an empty dull summer holiday. What should I do? I'm 21, never been in a relationship and am in love with a girl who doesnt feel the same. I feel completely in limbo here. Should I just abandon everything (how????). Should I take what her mate said with a pinch of salt (granted I was acting a bit weird round the lass on the night of the party and the week before because of nerves and fear). I've got to put up with this for another month and half as well till i get back as well. Should I just confront her about it? I've been at uni for 3 years and no one has affected me like her.
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Do you always refer to yourself as the plural us? Do you have multiple personalities or is it that she was just hanging around with a group and not going out of her way to be around you.

It's very simple, you are a mammal and the pathways of your brain designed for infatuation and love can function in the absence of reciprocation, it seems that your unrequited love has nothing to do with her. It might just as easily be any other person but through accident, probably no fault of her own, you've locked onto her.

Dump the teenage angst, stop needing other people and be a goal oriented narcissist. Not waxing poetical over every slender bright thing and having a suitably nonchalant attitude towards mutual gratification is better than endless creepy pining.
 
u2er said:
i'm sorry to hear that :/
i would talk to her about it though, don't always believe what other people say.
if you like her this much, it's worth doing something about it.
Click to expand...


Should I do this? She's been on holiday for the last two weeks, so I havent been able to chat to her online, plus I don't know, should I talk to her about these things through a computer? I still want to be mates with her and her group after the summer. Wont it just make things awkward? Or do I just go for it and throw dignity to the wind and hope the dust can settle in a month before we all go back to uni? uugh...... In a way, I wish her mate hadnt told me all this.
 
I just feel the need to elaborate;

Being attracted to the point of it interfering in your life in the absence of any connection screams loneliness, if you keep going as you are you will wind up bitter and lonely, I can think of at least one insufferably misogynistic 35 year old virgin on these boards.


I was like you in undergrad, maybe a bit more aware about the fact I idealised the girl I liked and any potential relationship would crash and burn in a matter of months, but similar nonetheless. I built up walls of excuses not to make a move with her and that strange attraction was there in front of me for two years or so, it was a fixation of sorts, the type of mental process that produces great poetry and stalkers, in all that time of being speechless around her that spark that was there at the beginning just faded away leaving nothing but the memory, playing around again and again. Letting go of the attraction to the memory hurt, it took time, but ultimately yielded some degree of objectivity.

To which I reacted, and have tried crazy things like making eye contact, smiling and <gasp> using that intelligence to make girls smile.

Make opportunities, take chances, you'll get experience and the numbers guarantee eventual success. That's not to degrade women to the status of points in a game, we're all people with emotional and physical needs and they are only fulfilled by interaction. An ethical jerk is better than
 
Tuvok said:
Should I do this? She's been on holiday for the last two weeks, so I havent been able to chat to her online, plus I don't know, should I talk to her about these things through a computer? I still want to be mates with her and her group after the summer. Wont it just make things awkward? Or do I just go for it and throw dignity to the wind and hope the dust can settle in a month before we all go back to uni? uugh...... In a way, I wish her mate hadnt told me all this.
Click to expand...

Another girl's point of view (who would also be tremendously uneasy with someone telling me the night before I was going away for weeks that they liked me):
A few years ago, I met a guy and for the next month we exchanged e-mails, text messages, and phone calls. He was nice enough to update me with baseball scores while I waited in a U2 GA line (sadly, my team lost). He was easy to talk to on the phone, and I was always happy to see his name in my e-mail inbox, but I was clueless that he might have any other thoughts other than being friendly. And then one day, I opened an e-mail that subtly explained everything, and (I can't promise this will happen for you, but it's worth a try) I'm making an honest man of him in September.

So yes. You can do this by e-mail, just as long as it's not "HEY I REALLY LIKE YOU GO PLEEEAAASE GO OUT WITH ME!!!" Maybe if you tell her you look forward to her text messages, and you can't wait to watch movies with her again when she gets home, you'll plant a different thought in her head.

Good luck!
 
Schmeg said:
but I was clueless that he might have any other thoughts other than being friendly. And then one day, I opened an e-mail that subtly explained everything....
Click to expand...

I had a similar experience, I had no clue he was more than a good friend, or that he felt differently, until he got the courage to clarify things a little.

I'm not sugesting ridiculous outbursts regarding your neverending love, but sometimes, these things are not clear.

So yes. You can do this by e-mail, just as long as it's not "HEY I REALLY LIKE YOU GO PLEEEAAASE GO OUT WITH ME!!!" Maybe if you tell her you look forward to her text messages, and you can't wait to watch movies with her again when she gets home, you'll plant a different thought in her head.

Good luck!
Click to expand...

:up::up:


Good luck, I wish you the best.

Also, not to sound cliche but if things don't go as you hope with this girl, she is still a friend and things were obviously not meant to be. There are plenty of other wonderful girls out there, who will return your affections. Sometimes it just takes time to find the right one.
 
Schmeg said:
So yes. You can do this by e-mail, just as long as it's not "HEY I REALLY LIKE YOU GO PLEEEAAASE GO OUT WITH ME!!!" Maybe if you tell her you look forward to her text messages, and you can't wait to watch movies with her again when she gets home, you'll plant a different thought in her head.

Good luck!
Click to expand...

my thoughts exactly.. i totally agree :up:
personally i would be flattered if someone sent me an email subtly telling me they enjoyed my company and look forward to my return in a few weeks, it would definitely get me thinking about things in a different light.
good luck and let us know what you decide to do and how it turns out :hug:
 
I wouldnt let it get to you as much as you've let it in the past few days. I am really sorry to hear she said what she said, but if she's gone for the summer I'd say---go out, have fun, try to maybe flirt with other girls just for the fun of it if nothing else.......maybe you'll see her differently when she comes back from the summer, maybe she'll see you differently.....and who knows...if you let your guard down a bit and push her out of your mind a little, let yourself have fun, you may end up dating someone casually and when she comes back around, she will probably be super jealous and realize she does really care for you.

Its happened a thousand times, I see it all the time with my friends, it's happened to me......just try to have fun.
 
Tuvok said:
Bloody hell guys. Got the worst news tonight. Was speaking to one of her mates on MSN and it turns out that after the party they had a girly chat and she doesnt feel "that way" about me.
Click to expand...

I would want to know the context of this conversation before advising you on how to proceed. Does her friend know how you feel about her, and was their conversation in light of that? Was it a more casual conversation where two girls might mention the guys at a specific gathering, and she said "yeah, I can't really see myself with him," before they went on to discuss the next guy? Do you completely trust her friend, or is there some reason her friend could have ulterior motives for misleading you?

A lot of the problem with crushing on someone for a while before you make a move is that in many cases, the crushers essentially build up these make believe ideals and scenarios in their minds involving the crushee, which are not based on reality - it's merely a fantasy that the crusher has created. Then, when they either find that the unrequited feelings aren't returned, or something else happens that causes them not to pursue the relationship in reality, what they're left with is mourning for what amounts to a fantasy.

While you're hurt and upset that her friend said she doesn't feel the same way about you, the reality is that you've never been with this girl in a romantic way, so you don't know how she would have been within a relationship with you. She may have been completely different (in a worse way) than you imagined. So, if things don't work out (and really, it doesn't sound likely that they will, from what you said), it might help to keep in mind that what you're really missing out on isn't so much her, it's more your idealized version of her.

Try not to sit around feeling sad about something that never was. Get out and meet other people. Make it a goal to smile or to start a conversation with one new female every day, and see where that leads you. Baby steps.

Good luck! :)
 
though A_Wanderer's tone of posts in here don't sit too well with me I do generally agree with him

Tuvok said:
This has torn me to shreds. I mean I've been obsessing over her for months. Literally she's been the only thing on my mind, the only goal was to be with her.
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you've stated that you hardly if ever spend any time with this girl alone
yet she's the sole purpose of your existence?

if you're going to proceed going for a relationship in this manner I wish you all the best of luck
and you'll probably be needing it as it's bound to be a difficult journey this way

you might want to consider just to relax a bit and take your chances
text her and say that it might be fun doing something just the 2 of you when she gets back after the summer

it should be possible to make it sound like you want to go out on a date together and get to know eachother outside of your social network without sounding like you're asking her to connect souls and can't wait for the day to marry her
 
Strong tones do not equate to denigration, it's exactly what I have told myself at times. I think that VintagePunk has given the best advice, which more or less equates to what I stated.

It's surprisingly easy to fall in love, one just has to maximise chances to succeed. I say this as someone that has found unrequited love positively harmful, any happiness must measure against the sorrows of solitude, Tuvok may eventually reach a similar conclusion, that by holding onto a useless crush it builds up barriers of angst and expectation preventing any reciprocal relationship.

As far as narcissism goes that is merely going by my experience of giving up on the utterly useless and in my opinion pathetic masquerade of being a "nice guy" and opting for what comes naturally, self-confidence in my height, solid intelligence, and charm coupled with a recognition that people have physical and emotional needs and elevating someone to some impossible level or standard does both them and you a disservice. It seems perfectly ethical to be honest about your intentions towards a member of the opposite sex rather than waste months trying to ingratiate oneself into the "friend zone".
 
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