DaveC
Blue Crack Addict
http://www.tsn.ca/columnists/james_duthie.asp?id=142482
Duthie: Everybody Hates Terrell
TSN.ca Staff
11/9/2005
It’s the time of the year for mid-season replacement shows on all the networks. Coming this week to UPN, from the makers of the Chris Rock bio-hit Everybody Hates Chris, It's Everybody Hates Terrell, chronicling the early years in the life of Terrell Owens. We obtained an advance script:
Scene 1: Hospital Delivery Room:
Doctor: "I see the head! Here it comes! Mrs. Owens you have a beautiful baby boy!"
Baby Terrell: "Damn right I’m beautiful! Did you guys see that move? I juked and jived so bad, that birth canal had no chance to slow me down! Now watch me shake off this placenta!"
(Baby Terrell straight-arms the nurse, leaps to the floor, moonwalks across the room, and back flips into his mothers arms)
Nurse: "Did that…really…just…happen?"
Baby Terrell: "Damn right it happened! You can’t cover T.O lady! Nobody stops Baby T.O!"
Doctor: "But…I thought babies only talked in really bad John Travolta movies?"
Baby Terrell: "Ain’t never been a baby like Baby T.O! So who wants Baby T.O’s first autograph?"
Doctor: "Hey…where did you pull that sharpie out of…Oh Dear God!"
Scene 2: Kindergarten Playground
Teacher: "Timmy, why are you crying?
Timmy (sniffling): "We were playing Duck, Duck, Goose and Terrell told me he was going to make me his b***h!"
Teacher: "Terrell, you get over here! I’ve told you a thousand times, don’t trash-talk the other children!"
Young Terrell: "Hold on teach, it’s my turn. Watch this! Duck…Duck…Duck…Duck…Goose! Just try to catch me sucka! No one catches T.O! See! I win again!"
(Young Terrell proceeds to do his latest Duck Duck Goose victory celebration dance, pulling a pretend rifle from his back and shooting a pretend goose from the sky.)
Teacher: "That’s enough Terrell! No more recess for you this week!"
Young Terrell: "That’s it! I want out! I want to be transferred to a new school! And I want them to cover my milk money!"
Teacher: "Terrell, you are five years old! You aren’t going anywhere except the principal’s office…NOW!
Scene 3: Principal’s Office
Principal: "Umm…Terrell…Who is the kid sitting next to you?"
Young Terrell: "That’s Drew from Grade 3. He can write! He’s my new agent!"
Drew: "Mr. Principal, I have complied a list of demands including new crayons weekly, unlimited Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups at snack time, and exclusive access to the big slide in the playground at lunch and after school."
Principal: "GET OUT!
(Drew runs from the room, screaming something about filing a grievance)
Principal: "Look Terrell. You apologize right now. Or you are suspended."
Young Terrell (sighs): "All right."
(He pulls a crumpled paper from his pocket)
Young Terrell: "I guess T.O is kinda sorry for…"
Principal: "Are you…reading a prepared statement?!?"
Young Terrell: "Hey…I AM! I can read! Another score for T.O! He’s done it again!"
(Young Terrell jumps on the principal’s desk and does his new "I can read" celebration dance: he flips through the pages of an imaginary book, mouthing the words to an imaginary audience, then bows, spikes the pretend book to the floor, and flexes.)
The Principal puts his head on the desk and sobs. Credits roll.
Next week: Young Terrell hold his first news conference after dominating a game of Red Rover. He promises to recreate the scene in a Right Guard commercial some day.