age old story - modern-ish twist

[FitzChivalry]

So I'm a gay man. And my longest gay friend and I have been friends for about 11 years now. We've had a checkered history where he's hurt/betrayed me a few times, but I've always forgiven him and our friendship is really good right now and has been for a year or so.

So my friend has a life-partner. They've been together for about 6 years now. They're actually registered with the State of California as Domestic Partners.

A few years ago, the 3 of us actually used to live together (them in one room, me in my own), but it didn't work out. (Hence one of the ways my friend hurt me and we didn't tallk for about a year.) As it turns out, I now live directly next door to my friend and his life-partner. In fact, our condos actually touch and we share the same bedroom wall.

So now all the bridges are mended, time has healed wounds and the 3 of us get along great.

Fast forward to a couple days ago. Another friend of mine had sent out this silly survey on My Space asking what would you do with her if you had her all to yourself for 24 hours in her room. So I sent back a silly e-mail and then re-posted the survey to all my friends.

Yesterday, I get a message from my friend's life-partner saying that he's always thought I was attractive and that if he had me all to himself for a day in my room he'd love to do all kinds of things to me in bed, and he's always thought it would be hot to get with me. And then he said, "Shhhhhh. This will just be our well-kept secret." (I'm sanitizing the message a bit for propriety's sake.)

Now, I know my friend and his partner have played around with "thirds" before, and I know that my friend allowed his partner to sleep with one of their mutual friends because the friend had never done this one thing before, so my friend let his partner do it to their mutual friend.

But wow! I mean, I was just so shocked. I know the partner and I are friends now and on good terms, but this just came out of left-field! I know that they have a sort of "semi-open relationship", but this just seems a bit weird since the partner knows that his "husband" is one of my best friends.

Anyway, I think I'm just making more of it then there actually is because I've been single for a long time now and it's flattering to get the attention. Plus, my friend's partner is hot and I've heard he's good in bed. So it probably would be hot if we got together.

But I could never let that happen because: 1) I don't want to be that kind of guy, and 2) I don't want to do that to my friend.

Anyway . . . I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest and see what you all thought. This kind of thing has never happened to me before.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Utoo]

Phew! Sucks that that whole can of worms just got thrown into your face! What's worse is that it wasn't even a big dramatic "I've always loved you" sort of thing. Even though that would be huge and cause tons of problems....it sounds like you don't have amorous feelings for this guy, so at least might be able to get over it a bit easier. But this one---"I wouldn't mind screwing around with you"---and with you having at least a hint of curiosity about it...this'll probably be on your mind a bit longer.

I have no advice on how to not think about it or what to think about it. But it sounds from your post that you have a feeling of what the "right" thing to do is & it sounds like you'll be able to stick to it.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Well you pretty much answered your own question, right?

But I could never let that happen because: 1) I don't want to be that kind of guy, and 2) I don't want to do that to my friend.

Yes it's flattering to have that kind of interest and fun to fantasize, but when all is said and done all you are ever left with ultimately is how you feel about yourself in terms of your own moral conscience and standards. That's worth more than gold in my opinion. Nothing wrong with certain feelings and fantasies as long as they stay just that. Your friend has hurt and betrayed you a few times and you know how that felt, so you wouldn't want to do that to him. That's just the hunch I have from what you wrote. But I do think you will have to make it clear to your friend's partner that it will never happen. The secret thing makes it uncomfortable, well it would for me. You don't want to cause problems by telling your friend, but it will continue unless you clear things up with his partner.

 

[BluRmGrl]

Fitz -- TREAD WITH CAUTION!!! Your friend's partner, as Steve Irwin might have said, is "Danger, danger!".

Regardless of what people say, the whole 'menage a trois' thing is just asking for trouble. You could slam your package in a car door ten times & you still wouldn't have the headache that getting involved with this guy would give you. Especially considering there's history between you & his partner, your friend. And Mr. Flattery doesn't seem like much of a partner to me - in my mind "Life Partner" carries an exclusivtivity to it... FOR LIFE. Not just until you find somebody who makes you hornier than the one you're with.

But that's just one girl's opinion.

 

[Carek1230]

Oh man, talk about being teased! I agree with what BluRm says and as Mrs S said, you already know how best to deal with the whole thing appropriately. Don't be a 3rd wheel, and don't disrupt a good friendship or friendships. Glad you felt relieved after sharing this here with us. Good luck and be good to yourself.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Enjoy the flattery and move on. There's flattery, and then there's acting it out, which can have the horrible tendency to ruin a few lives.


...Besides, you never once implied that you fancied your mates' partner, so it sounds like you never did in the romantic or physical sense to begin with - so why start now? I'd smile politely, thank him for the flattery and not talk about it, too.

 

[BonosBaby12]

It's nice to be flattered by someone makes you feel great. But I have to agree with everyone else that getting involved with this person is a bad idea. Good luck you seem to have your head on your shoulders and know what is the right thing to do

 

[Laura M]

Plus, my friend's partner is hot and I've heard he's good in bed. So it probably would be hot if we got together.

Think of your friend, not how hot it would be if you hopped into bed with his partner. Don't risk ruining a friendship and a relationship.

 

[Night & Day]

you're gay?










seriously...dont do it, not worth the havoc and pain that may come after.

 

[FitzChivalry]

you're gay?

Yeah, well . . . . at least according to that guy I slept with a few weeks ago.

 

[FitzChivalry]

Seriously though . . . thank you all for your advice. Everyone seems to be on the same page and I tend to agree.

Plus, I was thinking about it some more and I thought . . . that was kind of shitty of him to dump a bombshell like that on me and then tell me, "Shhhhh . . . this will be our well-kept secret."

I mean, I never even had a choice in the matter to have the option of NOT KNOWING this information, crazy info that I'm now supposed to keep all to myself.

Thank God for Zoo Confessionals!!!!!

 

[Doozer61]

you're gay?

that was my reaction too!! i should have paid more attention at the party. but then again, my gaydar has never worked properly.

 

[Night & Day]

that was my reaction too!! i should have paid more attention at the party. but then again, my gaydar has never worked properly.

 

[Night & Day]

Yeah, well . . . . at least according to that guy I slept with a few weeks ago.

I should have known by the way we got along...i seem to be strangely and subconciously attracted to manginas.

Fitz


We should go shopping...?

 

[FitzChivalry]

that was my reaction too!! i should have paid more attention at the party. but then again, my gaydar has never worked properly.

I should have known by the way we got along...i seem to be strangely and subconciously attracted to manginas.

Fitz

Well, I just am who I am. I'm normally kind of quiet and shy until I get to know people better. I guess I normally come off just like an average joe. I don't try and hide it or anything. I guess I'm just sort of guy-ish. Most people when they find out are kind of shocked because most people don't normally spot me as gay from the get go.

I really don't care. It's neither here nor there.

Like I said. I just am who I am. Being gay is just one part of what makes me, me.

Actually, if you ask most of my friends and family, they'd probably tell you I'm a huge, mega U2 fan before they even thought to tell you I'm gay. hahahahahaha

 

[Doozer61]

Well, I just am who I am. I'm normally kind of quiet and shy until I get to know people better. I really don't care. It's neither here nor there.

I just am who I am. Being gay is just one part of what makes me, me.

exactly!

 

[AttnKleinkind]

that was my reaction too!! i should have paid more attention at the party. but then again, my gaydar has never worked properly.

I heard you can buy Gaydar on the internet.