How to handle spouse that DETESTS U2!!!

[mellow moog]

I have a huge dilemma right now.

My wife has a massive problem with the money I've spent following U2 and she just found out about the 2010 tour. I was dreading when she found out and now she has, I already feel the ice age coming on!!

I'm looking for some guidance here from anyone whose been in a similar situation. I really think this could lead to the breakup of my marriage and I'm not even kidding!!! I can easily afford what I've been spending by the way. We both work have no kids so I'm not depriving anyone of anything with what I'm doing.

Should I just give up my chance of seeing U2 next year for the sake of my marriage. Am I being selfish? What would other people do in this situation.

 

[Togna_Bologna]

If it was Nickelback, then I could understand... but U2? C'mon!

But seriously...

I'm no shrink, but I'm guessing this really isn't about her hatred of U2.

 

[Zoots]

Ask yourself what is more important. The marriage or a series of parties that come very four years or so? Seriously, if your wife is not a fan herself but is okay with tolerating your hobby to an extent, that is fine. If she really hates/despises your U2 hobby then it is a problem. How is it that you didn't talk about such things before the marriage?

 

[An Cat Gav]

My wife also really hates U2, so I know how you feel.

Can't you maybe just go to one or two shows? She can't object to that can she?

 

[domo-kun]

Hmm , sounds like a really unplesseant, maybe you should talk about the reasons , why shy doesn't want you to spend some money and have some fun. Take her with you? If she hates U2 that much , why not try talking to her that you don't. Its not forbidden for you to have some fun, and if its reall true that you don't come into any financial problems, then I don't really see whats her problem? Maybe she doesn't like to be alone when your gone? Talking is the only way I think.
I hope everything gets allright between the two of you.

 

[Togna_Bologna]

How is it that you didn't talk about such things before the marriage?

Ha ha! There's lots of things that my wife and I loved about each other before the marriage, that 9 years later drive each other up the wall!

My guess is that when you're dating somebody, it doesn't matter so much that they're a fan of a band you don't enjoy, because you're in love...
Years later, that thing that you tolerated when you were in love drives you mad. Especially when you think it's costing you time and money.

But like I said before, if this is really causing issues in your marriage, U2 isn't the real problem.

 

[An Cat Gav]

I think if you've been spending lots of money travelling around the world or the states to see U2 then I can maybe understand her view, but if your just going to a show or maybe a few, then I don't see why she would have a problem.
Maybe she thinks you prefer U2 to her, maybe she's a little jealous, or a lot jealous!!
If you cut back on the amount of shows you're going to then she'd see you've made changes for her, afterall you're marriage is more important.

 

[elevashn_hj]

I think the general question that most people would ask is are you suffering consequences due to your actions. If that is the case, then it is your problem and not hers. It sounds to me that she is upset about the money you are spending. You see it as she hates U2. I would venture a guess that she would respond the same way about any musical act or anything that caused you to spend the money that you are on U2.

My advice is that if seeing U2 is so important to you that you will cause strain to your marriage over it, then get a divorce and spend your time following U2. However, something tells me that your marriage is more important to you and you are either simply being selfish or you are a compulsive spender and that is the real problem. If that is the case, I would suggest that you get help for that. Good luck.

 

[chels82]

Have you tried taking her to a show or do you go alone? Maybe if you let her into that part of your world, she'd be a bit more apt to be okay with you going to multiple shows.

I dunno...it sounds like she might be a little jealous of the time/money you spend on following U2.

 

[mellow moog]

Hmm , sounds like a really unplesseant, maybe you should talk about the reasons , why shy doesn't want you to spend some money and have some fun. Take her with you? If she hates U2 that much , why not try talking to her that you don't. Its not forbidden for you to have some fun, and if its reall true that you don't come into any financial problems, then I don't really see whats her problem? Maybe she doesn't like to be alone when your gone? Talking is the only way I think.
I hope everything gets allright between the two of you.

I've tried talking about it believe me. She knew about my fanaticism since early on. I think the fact that day 2 of our honeymoon was spent watching U2 in San Diego 97 Popmart might have given that one away!!!
She's been to about 6 or 7 shows with me and she now has a semi-permanent thigh muscle problem from queuing/standing at Cardiff for 12 hours in 05 which hasn't exactly endeared U2 to her heart much!
She is jealous that I feel so strongly about anything. Friends and family have told me as much but I have gone to the ends of the earth to show her she is more important. The only other thing I can do is give up my love for U2 which to me is like ripping my heart out!!!!! I feel someone who loves me should respect that but I'm desperately trying to understand her standpoint.
I will be totally honest here. I have seen U2 a lot of times in the last 25 years. If I had to give up seeing them for the sake of my marriage then I have to. I hate that I am being put in this position!!!!!!!!

 

[mellow moog]

I think the general question that most people would ask is are you suffering consequences due to your actions. If that is the case, then it is your problem and not hers. It sounds to me that she is upset about the money you are spending. You see it as she hates U2. I would venture a guess that she would respond the same way about any musical act or anything that caused you to spend the money that you are on U2.

My advice is that if seeing U2 is so important to you that you will cause strain to your marriage over it, then get a divorce and spend your time following U2. However, something tells me that your marriage is more important to you and you are either simply being selfish or you are a compulsive spender and that is the real problem. If that is the case, I would suggest that you get help for that. Good luck.

Of course my marriage is the most important thing. I agree with your opinion about following any band/musician. I could be following Barry Manilow and she'd still have the same reaction!!!

 

[chels82]

She is jealous that I feel so strongly about anything.

From a female standpoint, I do understand how she feels. I had a long standing relationship with someone who was "married" to their music and therefore spent more time doing that than with me. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last because he didn't care to make an occasional sacrifice. Not saying you have to give up all U2 shows...but you don't need to go to every single one, do you?

Pick the one closest to you and go. Compromise.

 

[UberBeaver]

I could be following Barry Manilow and she'd still have the same reaction!!!

Bullshit. No one takes issue with Barry.

How much are you spending on this anyway? Is it a significant amount of money? If it's unreasonable, then yeah, she has a right to get mad. I would. If it's just a show or two, and you're not heading towards foreclosure, then I don't see an issue.

 

[thelaj]

Anybody who loves and cares about you wouldn't hate your interests to that level. If there is a financial element, that is different. If she just hates the fact you like something besides her, then how can she really understand you?

I couldn't be with someone who didn't respect my own interests, even if they didn't share them.

 

[gvox]

I think the general question that most people would ask is are you suffering consequences due to your actions. If that is the case, then it is your problem and not hers. It sounds to me that she is upset about the money you are spending. You see it as she hates U2. I would venture a guess that she would respond the same way about any musical act or anything that caused you to spend the money that you are on U2.

My advice is that if seeing U2 is so important to you that you will cause strain to your marriage over it, then get a divorce and spend your time following U2. However, something tells me that your marriage is more important to you and you are either simply being selfish or you are a compulsive spender and that is the real problem. If that is the case, I would suggest that you get help for that. Good luck.

^ I don't agree with the poster above me at all and I think they have completely misinterpreted the situation ie selfish and compulsive spending. I don't think it's fair for a spouse to put some sort of decision blockade in front of their mate. I'm not just talking off the cuff here. When people get married they do so with a vow to stay with the person and support them in their various interests. No person should feel like they are forced to choose between U2 (or any other musical act) and their spouse. It's fine if the spouse doesn't want to participate, but in reality, it's only a few shows every few years, put into perspective against the hours days weeks and months that a couple spend together otherwise.

My wife gave me a bit of grief last week, admittedly. She resented the time I spent away as I don't live very far from the venue (ie within 30 mins or so) but I wanted to be downtown in case stuff with the band was going down. I didn't argue this time around I just repeated what I said in the above paragraph. I got an apology the other day to the effect of 'I guess I shouldn't have gotten so angry about the time, I mean I don't hate U2 or anything and it's good clean fun so it's ok in moderation. I guess I would have rather been there with you like on the past two tours'. And THAT, I can totally understand.

I'd say you should say "you know what, U2 shows are important to me, and they always will be. Moreover, you are extremely important to me, but I can't see any reason why I should have to choose. If I had it my way, you'd be at my side for every show. Why don't you come along, just one show at least?" She may not like them now, but you know what? She could spend the entire show looking at you and ignoring the band, and if she's really in love with you, she'll love being there just to see the happiness on your face. If she really loves you, it won't matter how much she hates the music, trust me.


My two cents.

EDIT: just saw that she has in fact been to shows with you. Not sure what to say there then, but I'll leave my advice up for anyone who's spouse has NOT yet been to a show with them. All in all, I don't believe people should feel forced to choose between something as innocent as concert attendance and their marriage, especially when it's been part of the fabric of who you are and your marriage since the get go, it's not like you just recently became infatuated with U2 and this is broadsiding her.

 

[indra]

How many shows do you go to? Do you travel to see them? Is it really the money that's a problem or is it the time you spend away? Or is it that you should be "over all that" by now?

I think taking separate vacations (you to see U2 and her to do whatever she wants) for a week or so each year shouldn't be a problem. But if you see dozens of shows a year -- especially if you spend a day or two surrounding most of those shows travelling -- yeah, I can see where you being away for a couple of months following a band could kind of grate.

If she doesn't want you to see any U2 shows at all, that's a bigger problem. You should each be able to follow interests the other doesn't share, and if you aren't allowed to do that (provided it isn't causing undue strain on your resources -- financial, time, etc.) I think you need to ask yourself if you are willing to give up doing things you love (and can afford) for the rest of your life. I wouldn't ask someone I supposedly loved to give up things that are important to them -- I wouldn't want that person to think "you fucking bitch" every time they thought of what they could no longer do.

 

[mellow moog]

Hmm , sounds like a really unplesseant, maybe you should talk about the reasons , why shy doesn't want you to spend some money and have some fun. Take her with you? If she hates U2 that much , why not try talking to her that you don't. Its not forbidden for you to have some fun, and if its reall true that you don't come into any financial problems, then I don't really see whats her problem? Maybe she doesn't like to be alone when your gone? Talking is the only way I think.
I hope everything gets allright between the two of you.

I try when we go to Europe for the shows, to make it a nice holiday. Ireland 05 and Wales, we did the ring of Kerry, south west of Ireland and spent time with my family back in Wales and it was incredidble and I know she enjoyed it.She did get pissed that I went to both the Firday and Saturday shows though!!!She went to Saturday's. Ireland 09, we also spent 5 days in Galway and Co Clare. Places like the Cliffs of Mohr and it was an amazing time. This time she didnt go to Friday and Saturday's show. I didn't go to Mondays as travelling to Galway.

She hates the fact that we went to Ireland because of U2. In other words, she never wants both things to happen at once(holiday and U2) but then she doesn't want me to go!!!!!

 

[U2crush]

I have a huge dilemma right now.

My wife has a massive problem with the money I've spent following U2 and she just found out about the 2010 tour. I was dreading when she found out and now she has, I already feel the ice age coming on!!

I'm looking for some guidance here from anyone whose been in a similar situation. I really think this could lead to the breakup of my marriage and I'm not even kidding!!! I can easily afford what I've been spending by the way. We both work have no kids so I'm not depriving anyone of anything with what I'm doing.

Should I just give up my chance of seeing U2 next year for the sake of my marriage. Am I being selfish? What would other people do in this situation.

What? Does she have a hobby that she has?!

I work with a girl and she didn't go to boston shows because she couldn't talk her husband into going.

Isn't it ok to have fun separately sometimes???!

 

[ramblin rose]

That's a tough one. I wonder how she'll feel if you decide to give up going to U2 shows because obviously then you'll be less happy. Does she realize that?

 

[mellow moog]

How many shows do you go to? Do you travel to see them? Is it really the money that's a problem or is it the time you spend away? Or is it that you should be "over all that" by now?

I think taking separate vacations (you to see U2 and her to do whatever she wants) for a week or so each year shouldn't be a problem. But if you see dozens of shows a year -- especially if you spend a day or two surrounding most of those shows travelling -- yeah, I can see where you being away for a couple of months following a band could kind of grate.

If she doesn't want you to see any U2 shows at all, that's a bigger problem. You should each be able to follow interests the other doesn't share, and if you aren't allowed to do that (provided it isn't causing undue strain on your resources -- financial, time, etc.) I think you need to ask yourself if you are willing to give up doing things you love (and can afford) for the rest of your life. I wouldn't ask someone I supposedly loved to give up things that are important to them -- I wouldn't want that person to think "you fucking bitch" every time they thought of what they could no longer do.

This year, I went to Dublin 1 & 2 (she was in Ireland with me but didn't want to go to shows), Cardiff (on my own, met up with friends and family there), Chicago 1 & 2 (I work in Chicago) and Boston 1 & 2(went to Boston instead of home to Miami for the weekend).
So I'm not spending months away from home following them.
I do work Monday thru Thursday in Chicago now but she felt the same about this issue in 05 when I was working back in Miami.

 

[mellow moog]

That's a tough one. I wonder how she'll feel if you decide to give up going to U2 shows because obviously then you'll be less happy. Does she realize that?

My biggest issue is that my wife does not have any real interests in anything in-particular. Nothing that she feels passionate about, so she has nothing to relate it to. If she did then maybe she can relate to my interest in U2.
She said on the phone this morning she "feckin hates U2' as she thinks it's ruining our marriage! I just didn't respond and tried to change the subject but it's killing me inside.
I've tried to get to the root of why she hates U2 and the only answer I can come up with is that she feels that they are taking my attention away from her.

 

[ramblin rose]

I've tried to get to the root of why she hates U2 and the only answer I can come up with is that she feels that they are taking my attention away from her.

I think that's definitely the issue.

 

[U2crush]

My biggest issue is that my wife does not have any real interests in anything in-particular. Nothing that she feels passionate about, so she has nothing to relate it to. If she did then maybe she can relate to my interest in U2.
She said on the phone this morning she "feckin hates U2' as she thinks it's ruining our marriage! I just didn't respond and tried to change the subject but it's killing me inside.
I've tried to get to the root of why she hates U2 and the only answer I can come up with is that she feels that they are taking my attention away from her.

How can she not have any real interests?? There must be something she has passion for other than making you feel guilty.

Does it bother her that you have fun without her?

I went to 2 shows at Wembley, Chicago and Boston. I can not imagine me asking anyone if it was ok to do that!!

 

[Jeannieco]

Simple get rid of the wife and marry a Pleba girl.
JOKING!!!

Does she have any interests? Ask her how she would feel if you made her give up something that takes her away from you. The old shoe on the other foot theory.

If it is the time away from her that is bugging her, ask her to go with you.
You could spend tons of quality time together in line.
It's like us girls who are attached to guys that like golf but aren't in to it. You learn to either play golf or just give your guy the space he needs to spoil a good walk.

Good luck. You are very lucky to even have this delimma. Many of us have yet to go see this show do to lack of funds to travel. So count your blessings.

 

[gvox]

I think that's definitely the issue.

In which case, given how he frames his attendance with trips and outings that include her, it's she who has the issue that needs fixing, not him.

 

[Flaming_C]

Compromise is the key to any marriage. I would suggest that you sit down with her to see if she would be interested in attending at least one U2 show in Europe next year. If there is one, then figure out where you should be. While sitting in the stands may not be ideal, it would show that you are willing to compromise and find a solution for the two of you. So you would get to see a show and she won't have to queue for GA.

In addition, make the holiday a longer one. Five days following a U2 show isn't very long. For instance, you could suggest that you could go to the Athens show and then follow that up with 2 weeks of island hopping.

 

[indra]

This year, I went to Dublin 1 & 2 (she was in Ireland with me but didn't want to go to shows), Cardiff (on my own, met up with friends and family there), Chicago 1 & 2 (I work in Chicago) and Boston 1 & 2(went to Boston instead of home to Miami for the weekend).
So I'm not spending months away from home following them.
I do work Monday thru Thursday in Chicago now but she felt the same about this issue in 05 when I was working back in Miami.

That doesn't seem outrageous to me.

My biggest issue is that my wife does not have any real interests in anything in-particular. Nothing that she feels passionate about, so she has nothing to relate it to. If she did then maybe she can relate to my interest in U2.
She said on the phone this morning she "feckin hates U2' as she thinks it's ruining our marriage! I just didn't respond and tried to change the subject but it's killing me inside.
I've tried to get to the root of why she hates U2 and the only answer I can come up with is that she feels that they are taking my attention away from her.

This (to me anyway) is the big problem. You are her only interest. While that can be flattering, it's also mighty constricting. It also seems she expects you to have her as your only interest. Can you live with that and be happy?

 

[mellow moog]

Compromise is the key to any marriage. I would suggest that you sit down with her to see if she would be interested in attending at least one U2 show in Europe next year. If there is one, then figure out where you should be. While sitting in the stands may not be ideal, it would show that you are willing to compromise and find a solution for the two of you. So you would get to see a show and she won't have to queue for GA.

In addition, make the holiday a longer one. Five days following a U2 show isn't very long. For instance, you could suggest that you could go to the Athens show and then follow that up with 2 weeks of island hopping.

Hi Flaming_c. I already mentioned brussels jokingly on the phone as I have an Uncle that lives in Belgium now and...dead air......!!!!
We stopped in Greece on a cruise in 06 and she loved it. My dilemma as I have mentioned is that she never wants to be on a combined trip again (holiday and U2).

I really do appreciate everyone's input and I will in a week or so, try and sit down with her at the right moment.I'm dreading it as we've had similar conversations before but we have to reach some sort of compromise or our marriage is over I think. Whether the compromise is me giving up U2 for the sake of my marriage or some other outcome I guess I will find out.

 

[ramblin rose]

Do you have shows left on this leg?

Maybe a week or so is to soon to bring it up again. These upcoming shows aren't for another 10 months or so, why bring it up now when the wounds are still raw from this leg?

 

[mellow moog]

Simple get rid of the wife and marry a Pleba girl.
JOKING!!!

Does she have any interests? Ask her how she would feel if you made her give up something that takes her away from you. The old shoe on the other foot theory.

If it is the time away from her that is bugging her, ask her to go with you.
You could spend tons of quality time together in line.
It's like us girls who are attached to guys that like golf but aren't in to it. You learn to either play golf or just give your guy the space he needs to spoil a good walk.

Good luck. You are very lucky to even have this delimma. Many of us have yet to go see this show do to lack of funds to travel. So count your blessings.

Hey JeannieCo, Im so sorry you have yet to experience the 360 tour. I do feel very fortunate to be in a position to go to many shows! I've been down and out in my life after college with no money and I've lived in a homeless shelter so I've been on the other side!!!!!