Aidan O'Leary
The Fly
I demand an arch-nemesis. And if it isn't a detailed ballad, I will be displeased more than ever before.
Aidan O'Leary said:I demand an arch-nemesis. And if it isn't a detailed ballad, I will be displeased more than ever before.
El_Fa
The Bea-Vah
She resigns to the circumstances and shakes her head. The Maple Leaf signal lights the sky of Interland. Minutes later, from out of the shadows comes the hero known as The El_Fa. "What is it this time, Khamisioner? Are Bitch-Titted NSW's panties all in a bunch again?"
"No, worse."
"Is that lunatic Philly Fan killing New Yorkers again? I haven't been following baseball, did the Mets beat them again, or something? THESE CRAZIES MUST BE STOPPED! I'M ON IT! Flyers are playing the Hurricanes, THAT will surely be his next scene - "
"No, no. Not the pfan. We've got the Phillies in first place. He should be quiet for now."
"Oh...AH HA! The Leg Humping Dog is making videos again! I thought he was done for sure after the last time. I'M...I don't really want to deal with him.......I'm still kinda freaked from the last time."
"No, it's not him. This is far, far worse."
"Uh...I doubt that. Those videos were ka-raaaa - "
"The Bea-Vah."
"Huh?"
"The Bea-Vah."
"No."
"Yes." I'm afraid....this came today. It's a card. A sympathy card. It's addressed to you."
The El_Fa takes the card form the Khamisioner. Slowly he opens it, a picture of Paul Maaurice falls out. The El_Fa picks it up. "So...he took Paul Maurice hostage? Am I supposed to care? Cause honestly, I'm really, really fine with that. Like, 'let's call the whole thing off' fine with it. It is, as they say, a 'Non-Issue'."
"We don't think it has anything to do with Maurice. We think it has to do with you. Turn the picture over."
El_Fa gasps as he reads in scrawled handwriting, "WUT DOEZNT KILL U, ONLEE MAKES YOU....CANADIAN!" El_Fa looks at the Khamisioner. "What the fuck does that mean?"
"We don't know. We assume 'Why so Canadian' was already used, so he had to go with a backup. To avoid redundancy."
"Genius. I need to prepare. This won't be easy."
The Khamisioner turns to shut the light. "Good luck, El_Fa, anything you need - " but as she turned back The El_Fa had already gone into the night.
She grinned and shook her head. From the east she noticed the sky brighten. As she peered she noticed the Douche Bag symbol emblazoned upon the low hanging clouds. She froze, her skin prickled. Things had gone from bad, to worse. Not just The Bea-Vah, the entire UYMFA Gang. "Godspeed, El_fa, Godspeed."
El_Fa
The Bea-Vah
She resigns to the circumstances and shakes her head. The Maple Leaf signal lights the sky of Interland. Minutes later, from out of the shadows comes the hero known as The El_Fa. "What is it this time, Khamisioner? Are Bitch-Titted NSW's panties all in a bunch again?"
"No, worse."
"Is that lunatic Philly Fan killing New Yorkers again? I haven't been following baseball, did the Mets beat them again, or something? THESE CRAZIES MUST BE STOPPED! I'M ON IT! Flyers are playing the Hurricanes, THAT will surely be his next scene - "
"No, no. Not the pfan. We've got the Phillies in first place. He should be quiet for now."
"Oh...AH HA! The Leg Humping Dog is making videos again! I thought he was done for sure after the last time. I'M...I don't really want to deal with him.......I'm still kinda freaked from the last time."
"No, it's not him. This is far, far worse."
"Uh...I doubt that. Those videos were ka-raaaa - "
"The Bea-Vah."
"Huh?"
"The Bea-Vah."
"No."
"Yes." I'm afraid....this came today. It's a card. A sympathy card. It's addressed to you."
The El_Fa takes the card form the Khamisioner. Slowly he opens it, a picture of Paul Maaurice falls out. The El_Fa picks it up. "So...he took Paul Maurice hostage? Am I supposed to care? Cause honestly, I'm really, really fine with that. Like, 'let's call the whole thing off' fine with it. It is, as they say, a 'Non-Issue'."
"We don't think it has anything to do with Maurice. We think it has to do with you. Turn the picture over."
El_Fa gasps as he reads in scrawled handwriting, "WUT DOEZNT KILL U, ONLEE MAKES YOU....CANADIAN!" El_Fa looks at the Khamisioner. "What the fuck does that mean?"
"We don't know. We assume 'Why so Canadian' was already used, so he had to go with a backup. To avoid redundancy."
"Genius. I need to prepare. This won't be easy."
The Khamisioner turns to shut the light. "Good luck, El_Fa, anything you need - " but as she turned back The El_Fa had already gone into the night.
She grinned and shook her head. From the east she noticed the sky brighten. As she peered she noticed the Douche Bag symbol emblazoned upon the low hanging clouds. She froze, her skin prickled. Things had gone from bad, to worse. Not just The Bea-Vah, the entire UYMFA Gang. "Godspeed, El_fa, Godspeed."
pfan
Bitch Tits
Just south of South Street, only meters from the old Vet, pfan giggles maniacally as he stares up to the clouds where the douche bag signal calls for his former ally.
"UYMFA UYMFA
Days gone bad
UYMFA UYFMA
Gone are the days we rocked this land.
UYMFA UYFMA
Never forget
UYMFA UYMFA
You know that I - "
"NEVER HAD!"
"Ahh...well now, if it isn't Bitch Tits. Why so - "
"Shut up, pfan. Do I think I have forgotten what the douche signal can do? Have you?"
"no no no no no no. Do you think I am some sort of knave, my friend? Do you not recall - "
"1983?"
"CURSE YOU! CURSE YOU, BITCH TITS! Or shall I call you N-"
"There is no need to utter such letters. Those days have past. A new order has arisen. This is not 1983, nor Winter 2007. Let the past be past."
"oh no no no no no noNSW. This IS 1983. The Sixers are going to sweep the lakers, and I SHALL TRIUMPH!!!! E-A-G-L-E-S! GO FLYERS GO FLYERS GO FLYERS GO!!! A HA HA HA!"
"You've gone mad, man. 25 years without a championship. Aye, a lifetime plus for you. It is sad, but you cannot take your anger out upon Interland. It is not right."
"Oooohhhhh, but it is RITE! M I RITE?"
"No, you are - "
"Have you even checked the NL East standings? WHO IS ON TOP? A HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"
"Indeed, I have. But I know this: It is only a matter of time before they choke."
"A HA HA HA HA. NO NO NO My man-breasted friend. Not this year. THIS IS OUR YEAR!!!"
"How many times do you think the Bea-Vah uttered those words as a Red Sox fan? 5-10-20?"
"DO NOT SPEAK HIS NAME!!!"
"The answer, my former apprentice, is 30."
"YOU SHALL NOT REIGN ON MY VICTORY PARADE! Take this - "
pfan calls to the god of demise and Vengence and hurls failure towards Bitch Tits. But Bitch Tits is unmoved. He catches the spell and allows to course into his body. "2008 NY Giants. 1986 Mets, 1987 Giants. 1994 Rangers. 1983 and 1984 Islanders, not counting the two previous. The Yankees...only the gods can count them since 1983, at least, liek two. Shall I continue?"
"DIE, Bitch Tits! DIEEEEE!"
"No. It will take much more than that. All your signal has done is alerted the El_Fa, and he, my little friend, has been waiting since 1967. Do you think you can usurp him?"
"IT'S NOT FAIR. We deserve victory."
"Ahhh....yes. There's the rub. You do deserve Victory....but victory as defined by your terms, pfan. Why let EL_FA and the Bea_Vah define victory. Why do not WE choose who is champion?"
"Are you proposing....an alliance?"
"Yes."
"But NY and Philly....it cannot be. The mods won't allow such an arrangement."
"Ahhh....but who are the mods? Sicy? She is in Cali, clearly these matters are not of her domain? Khamisioner Rhodes? She cares little of such arrangements. Bonochick? Please. You and I, pfan. We can take UYMFA to new heights. Heights of all manner of cups and trophies and pennants. We can do this! TOGETHER!"
"We can overcome the El_Fa and The Bea_Vah? This is your proposal?"
"Aye....and the others. Together we can rule UYMFA! Fear will hold UYMFA in line! FEAR OF OUR POSTING PROWESS!"
"Ahhh....Bitch Tits....you truly are wise. But not wise enough, my friend. You see, I lured you here. The Douche Bag symbol works many ways. It calls all Douche Bags, of which clearly you were a god amongst men."
"Indeed....I was a douche bag....but I am unable to type g-d."
"And that, my friend, is the rub. When last we met, I was but a learner. Now I am the master."
"Only the master of UYMFA, pfan."
"Exactly. Join me. We will rule UYMFA. I AM YOUR FATHER, NSW!"
"No....no your not."
"OK, I'm not. But still....we can bring UYMFA back, and then destroy it."
"An Interland in chaos? Is this what you propose?"
"YES! Free from the El_Fa and the Bea_Vah. Free from the YLB and LM. Free from the horny dog, free from the bunny from the nee redhotswami. Free, my friend, from all of them."
"This is madness.....and I am intrigued."
"I'm smart. Not like everyone says. I'm smaht."
"Indeed. So say we all."
"Yes, so say we all."
Man, I'm not sure P-Fan and I can handle this group on our own. I'm riveted, though.
Bonochick? Please.
We are the UYMFA Gang, Bitch Tits. You and me. Me and you. SEPTA. The Patrons of POWERJUICE. Who can stop us?
YLB? He's a fucking little bastard. One of us says something about his Lady Friend, and he'll be off crying to his mama. He don't know the funk. He ain't Old Gregg. Last I checked, the Funk LEFT the fucking mothership. In 1979, no less! Way before 2012 and the end of the Maya calendar.
We win.
I hope you're right. They have Maya and Dalton. So far; more could be coming.
SEPTA could play a role here.
We are the UYMFA Gang, Bitch Tits. You and me. Me and you. SEPTA. The Patrons of POWERJUICE. Who can stop us?
YLB? He's a fucking little bastard. One of us says something about his Lady Friend, and he'll be off crying to his mama. He don't know the funk. He ain't Old Gregg. Last I checked, the Funk LEFT the fucking mothership. In 1979, no less! Way before 2012 and the end of the Maya calendar.
We win.
Eat something and shut the fuck up. Whiny ass cracker... you probably have The Beetus.
This is the motherfucking Watchmen of Interference right here.
You'll be the first to die, FYI. Whatever happens after that, happens, but you go down, Orlando.
If I go down, I will go down in a blaze of glory. If not, I better get a kickass funeral.