I've come to a point, well, I've been here for a time...... but........
Essentially, I've got a firm grasp on my philosophy of life, how how I think about things, of how to keep myself feeling well, of how to get by, of how to do this or that.
And, maybe this is because I'm at such a stable period or something, but............
Honestly, I have no great aspirations. I have some possible ones, but... I have nothing that I *must* accomplish. I'd almost say that I have no real reason to keep living, as there is nothing I feel I need to strive for. But I don't think I'd want to commit suicide, that's totally not "FH's style", so like, don't worry about that.
But...... I don't know. Like........ should I spend my life for other people? I can take care of myself, I KNOW that there really isn't anything I can't deal with, you know?
Should I like volunteer more, or like, work on making something better? That's something I could do. And understanding things makes life interesting....
And then there is love - should I maybe be open to actually having a love, maintaining one, and a family, and raising kids, etc? Traditiona, but I can respect it.
The thing is, I feel like I don't need any of those things
I've lived almost all of my 18 years in an odd state of independance, and most of the time the only company has been myself. So of course, it would seem fitting that I develop a philosophy where I don't need much to be happy, and that is neither right or wrong.
So I guess, once again, I'm negating myself here.
I seem to do that a lot, and therfore, tend to make things unneccesary. One could say, heh, I live a very efficient life. I haven't done much that I didn't need to do, and that's very sincere.
But at the same time, I'm not afraid to. I'm not afraid to die, or to live, or to love. And like, I could chase love and try to see what happens - I've got more than a few options there, like everyone else does.
but it's like...... I'd only really want to do that if someone else wanted it, that sort of thing.
God knows I love women and find them to be the most beautiful things on the earth. Look at all my pictures in "hottest chick around". BUt still...... it's like......
It's easy to fall into "wanting a girl", for sex or more of a relationship, and I don't see those things as chalenges either. It would be, if I really wanted one and failed repeatedly, but......
once again.
So, while I've entered a very "ZEN" state of not wanting much, I am concerned that I will become unmotivated and..... like...... ...... completely insignificant. But at the same time, I don't want to be motivated by fear.
So, see all these contradicitons?
ANd really, they don't run through my head all day, they just come up whenever I explain something. I really don't even know what to say. Or if this should be in ZC or this thread, here, in FYM philosophy.
ANd to tell the truth, I'm not really 'dissatisfied'. There is a certain comfortable state of "being" in my life. But I'm still human, I still think that I should be doing something, and then, of course, when I am doing something I would rather I wasn't, etc etc.
So........ I just don't know.
Maybe I should look to find something that really gets my passion, or catches my interest.
I am at peace with myself, and I feel a great confidence and strength coming from my internal serenity. But when I look outward and compare myself with the rest of the world....I don't really know.
Maybe it's just time
A sign that it is time for me to move on, and interact more with other people, like when I go to college and stuff. I wonder - will I get caught up in a simple love affair? I can see that happening. Will I find some quest, scientific of theoretical? maybe. Or maybe I'll just end up working at a desk job all my life? I don't really know.
It's almost like I just want to say
"So... am I just supposed to try to find somethign that will make me feel fufilled or happy? Am I supposed to want, or need, something like that?"
ANd I repeat, I'm not depressed or feeling down.
It's just like...........
' So what do I do now? '