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Old 05-09-2005, 03:24 AM   #1
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Time arsing Kylie retired.

Warning:

Dear Ms Minogue,

COME IN NUMBER 51 - YOUR TIME IS UP.

First off: yes, you have a very nice arse. Judging by the unavoidable recent clips of your Showgirl tour that have been scattered through the TV/papers/mags radio, I must also admit that you do put on a good live show. You are indeed, as you once said youself,a "show pony". Hurrah, well done, good for you. Next?

You were wonderful in 1987 when we were all too young to know any better. I recently had the misfortune of hearing your version of The Locomotion from 1988. You have at least learned to hold a note since then. You're not all bad.

We loved you in Neighbours, even though it was shite - Charlene was a cool character. You were one of my icons, and I remember sitting in the playground during lunch break, writing letters to you with my friends. We didn't believe you lived in Australia, and so rang up every Minogue listed in the London phone books (total of 27) to try and speak to you, much to the exasperation of our parents. Well, as I say, I was only 9, so it was allowed.

Then you became a mini-Madonna for a year while getting up to allsorts with Michael Hutchence. Fortunately for me, I missed all this nonsense as I had moved to the States in 1990. I remember the horror of seeing you on a late night entertainment show over there. When I left the UK, 9 months prior to this, you were all cute curls, with no visible bust, wearing daft hats and puffball dresses. I kept telling my mum it was you, and because you looked so different, she wouldn't believe it was you until she saw the credits roll.

Then... a brief disco period. Wasn't it 'Indie Kylie' in 1993 for a while after that? Then, oblivion. 'Arty' Kylie duetting with Nick Cave, 1996, reading the words to I Should Be So Lucky at a poetry reading in an 'ironic' gesture. Yawn. Then, guess what? Ah yes, our old pal Oblivion! After that, thankfully, you buggered off for a bit and gave our poorbleeding ears a rest. Yay! Another cutsie pie has-been bites the dust.

Until 2000ish. *Jaws music* Just when we thought it was safe to listen to the radio again: AAARGH! You're back! As a hotpants-wearing disco queen, with an incredibly plasticy complexion. After 16 years of trying, you finally manage to break the US with that ridiculous 'na na na na na ne na na' song. Now don't you try and blame Cathy Dennis just because she wrote it. You made it into an atrocity. A catchy atrocity, but nonetheless, bloody awful!

Now listen here, wombatfeatures. You look fantastic in gold lame shorts and who can deny that you have aged very well, and probably would have done so even without the (alleged) plastic surgery? That is no mean feat, considering you have the face of a horse. Still, some things are better left in 1988 where they belong. I'm afraid, my dear, that you are one of them.

Good luck headlining Glastonbury. You'll need it! It makes me glad that I left Somerset after my A-levels.

Please go away for the sake of our poor childrens ears.

Kind regards,
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Old 05-09-2005, 03:38 AM   #2
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Having said all that - if the following article is true, then the woman deserves much respect for being down to earth. Could still do without the tuneless yowling, though.


http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/entertainment/40462004.htm
Quote:
KYLIE KEEN TO 'ROUGH IT' AT GLASTONBURY

Pop star KYLIE MINOGUE has refused a helicopter ride to Britain's GLASTONBURY FESTIVAL, so she can rough it with her fans.

The Australian singer has been booked to headline the seminal summer event in June (05) and can't wait to soak up the atmosphere among the 112,000-strong crowd.
While I'm feeling generous, I grudgingly admit that I really like On A Night Like This.
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Old 05-09-2005, 03:54 AM   #3
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
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Old 05-09-2005, 04:01 AM   #4
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I have never found Kylie attractive. Her face makes me wanna chuck...so I don't even bother looking at her ass
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Old 05-09-2005, 04:04 AM   #5
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I can't believe you rang all the Minogues!!!!!! You are so cool. You've been elevated to a super status in my book, Sara!
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Old 05-09-2005, 04:06 AM   #6
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BTW, the only song of any merit she did, was Confide In Me. It even beat pussy Cave, though that song was rather passable. Kylie aside, Confide IS a great tune.

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Old 05-09-2005, 04:07 AM   #7
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Old 05-09-2005, 04:10 AM   #8
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5 stars
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Old 05-09-2005, 04:17 AM   #9
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Kylie Minogue should be on the first flight to the sun.

Absolutely cannot stand her.
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Old 05-09-2005, 04:36 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by DrTeeth
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
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Old 05-09-2005, 06:20 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by DrTeeth
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

When I saw this thread, I knew you'd be the first to reply.
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Old 05-09-2005, 06:23 AM   #12
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I'm glad I'm not the only one who disagrees
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Old 05-09-2005, 06:43 AM   #13
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"I was like, 'No', I've never been before and I'd love to experience it. I'll be nervous, but it feels like the right moment for me, I'm so chuffed they asked."

"So chuffed they asked".!!!!! I'm sorry but out of the 20+Million Aussies living in this country, not one... I repeat, not one, would say "chuffed" ("Stuffed" as in something is broken, ie "My ipod's stuffed" but not "chuffed".) And for Gawd sake girl, what is it with the accent????
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Old 05-09-2005, 07:01 AM   #14
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Hey, I like that na na na song!!! (Can't get you out of my head)

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Old 05-09-2005, 07:14 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally posted by MissVelvetDress_75
5 stars
I gave it that too....
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